Finding My Thunder (8 page)

He
looked at me. “Maybe I shouldn’t talk about Sukey?”

“I
want to hear,” I said. I took my hand away from him and rolled onto my side and
he took my other hand and pulled it onto his chest.

“He
had two sons…one too different…one who was just like him…a screw up. I knew
what he wanted and I knew it wasn’t going to be Sukey. So I became his son. It
was easy for me. All of it. I’d say…I’ll go this far…I’ll do this…and I did it.
I was good at it. All of it. And he backed off of Mom…and Sukey…and me. If he
got out of line…I was stronger than him. I just got bigger. I dated the girl he
wanted…I was lined up for the job he wanted…I even had a scholarship if I
wanted it…or a place in the reserves if I didn’t. I saw how it goes. And then I
wadded it up and threw it in his face. And he’s ready to bust a vein…or maybe
have a heart attack…I can hope.”

More
quiet, and I switched hands again, weaving my fingers with his as I rolled on
to my back. I pictured him walking a tightrope over the crowd. They were
looking up, waiting for him to slip.

“Were
you happy? Working so hard to keep them all…pleased?”

He
laughed. “I told you…there was nothing hard about it. Nothing particularly
challenging. I’m just dark enough to make them feel like they’re not prejudiced
if they accept me, but I’m just white enough to make me somewhat acceptable. I’m
the token black guy who’s kind of white. And being good at stuff helped a lot.”
He grinned.

“You
wouldn’t believe the moms who have come on to me. Teachers. It’s pretty sick.”

He
pulled his hand from mine and dug around in his pocket. I heard him strike a
match. He passed me a lit cigarette and I took a puff but it heightened the
nausea I already felt from the whisky.

“Because
you’re dark, or because you’re such a stud, or what? Why would these adults
come on to you?” It made me so mad.

“Because
I’m still the plantation buck, you know?”

“You
really think that’s it?”

“When
the same thing keeps happening…you figure it.”

“So…did
you take them up on….”

“No.
I’ve never done it.”

“You’re…a
virgin?”

He
laughed. “Don’t look so surprised.”

“I
just thought….”

“Thought
I was some whore,” he laughed.

“Well
you and Tahlila….”

“Go
on,” he grinned.

I
didn’t have a right to feel so happy. But he’d just made a shitty day better.

“…I
just thought…you gave her a promise ring.”

“Yeah.
It was that pushing thing…doing the next thing…I kept letting things
happen…letting myself go deeper.”

“Didn’t
you…love her?”

“Whoa,”
he laughed. “Let’s just get personal, Grunier.”

I
put my hand over my mouth.

“You’re
turning red…so red,” he laughed. He took a last drag of the cigarette then
pitched it away and turned to me. “Come ‘ere,” he said, and he pulled me
against him.

I
was wrapped in his arms. My arms were crossed over my chest. My head rested on
his bicep.

“I
don’t even like her,” he whispered against my ear. Then he laughed some more
and I had to laugh with him.

“That’s
kind of terrible,” I said, not able to believe he had been with such perfection
as Tahlila and not loved every minute of it.

“It’s
not her fault. I kept trying to be a good boyfriend. I mean I said…how would
Rickey Nelson handle this?”

We
laughed some more.

When
we got quiet again he said, “You’ve never had a boyfriend…right?”

“Um…no.”

“Too
stuck up,” he said smiling, moving my hair behind my ear. “Ever kissed
anybody?”

“Naomi,”
I whispered and he laughed some, but not enough to break this intense eye
contact we had going on.

He
moved closer and I lifted my lips and he pressed his lips against mine. It only
lasted for a few seconds, but when he pulled back he smiled at me. “I want to
keep going,” he said.

I
grabbed onto him and pulled him forward and rolled onto my back. I was looking
at him and him at me and we weren’t laughing at all now, just breathing.

“You
know I’m leaving,” he said.

“You
run away from me. You always have.”

He
shook his head and his hands gripped my shoulders hard. “You’re my only reason
to stay.”

“Then
stay.”

He
was shaking his head. “I only took this job to keep the peace at home for Mom. Sukey
is coming back out in January. He’ll watch over things…if he doesn’t fuck up
too much and land in jail. They’ll call me up before then probably.”

“You
can’t be so passive about this!” I said hysterical. “You can’t do that! You
could die over there! You can’t throw yourself away!”

“
Shh
,
shh
,” he said smoothing over
my hair.

“We
could go to Canada,” I said, unable to stop the words.

“I’m
not the type to run, Hilly, even if you say I am. This is my country. It’s
where I want to live.”

“Register
for school. It’s all you have to do. Get into school.”

“Hilly…no.
I’m done with school. I don’t want school. I turned down a scholarship. I’m
done.”

“It
won’t be like you think over there. Listen to the guys coming back. It’s a
hopeless war. That’s what they’re saying. They’re saying we don’t belong there.
We’re not heroes there. They are saying not to go.”

“And
there’s plenty of guys who are coming back proud they did their duty.”

“That’s
part of their bullshit. It’s propaganda. You can’t go. You can’t…die. You can’t
die. I won’t be able to bear it…all those miles between us. You can’t….” I was
crying now. Really crying about everything. I turned away from him, flung
myself away. I was sobbing into the ground, wishing I could die and dissolve
into the turf.

He
was trying to console me, pulling on me, lifting me. He was carrying me. All
the while I was limp, crying against him.

Somehow
we were in his car. He held me like the baby I was. When I was cried out, he
rubbed my arm and spoke softly to me. “Hilly…I can’t stay here and work for
some asshole like Lonnie. I’ve got reasons.”

I
kept my face buried in my hair.

“I
wasn’t ignoring you all those years just to be an asshole. I decided it was
better. Hilly…is Naomi…is she just…who is she to you?”

I
lifted my head and looked at him. “Why?”

“I
just…I’ve never understood how your family sets up.”

I
pushed my hair off my face. “Why does it matter?”

He
taps on the steering wheel. “I’m trying to figure it out.”

“I
know what goes around about me, Danny.”

“And
you know that’s not me. I’m asking. Me.”

I
take a deep breath. It’s just…I’m touchy on it. “Years back Granma let Naomi
work for days-pay. And they got close and she moved in back. She had a husband
and a son but they died.”

He
nodded. “Well…I don’t know if you ever heard it…but Sukey…it bothered him that
I had a different dad. He wanted us to be blood and if anyone said anything
about my skin he’d nearly kill ‘
em
. That’s what he
got sent up for…fighting.”

“I
know he hates me.”

“Because
of the rumors,” he said. “About Naomi being part of your family.”

“I
know the rumors, Danny. And I don’t give a shit about it. And if you do….”

“No.”

“If
you do then forget it. I mean it. Take me home and don’t ever….”

“Sukey,”
he says loudly over me, “he knew back then…me and you. He was jealous. He…sees
me as his.”

“You’re
not going to defend him, I hope.”

“I’m
not. I’m not defending him. I’m just telling you.”

“So
Tahlila being a blond must have been a great relief for him.”

Danny
didn’t argue that.

“He
insisted I was Italian and not African. It’s been his mission to defend me from
the color of my skin.”

“That’s
pretty sick. How could you be in that world…with all of them….”

“It’s
not like that. No one gives me shit.”

“But
they think it and they hurt people….”

“Not
me.”

“What…did
he worry I was black and I made you what…more black?”

“My
family’s been so fucked up. That day when we were kids and I walked in there and
he had you…I’m all he’s got and he’s got a twist. I know that. But he’s my
family. So I made it my goal to not see you…not look at you…not talk to
you…until it was habit. Once I forgot about you…he did. I…was protecting you.”

“Please.”

“But…I
never forgot you. I saw you around,” he says more loudly. “I knew…when you were
around. I just knew.”

“But
you weren’t looking,” I said. “You were protecting Sukey.”

He
lets out a big sigh and hits the steering wheel.

My
head is spinning. My mouth tastes sour.

“When
Paul said he’d talked to Lonnie…that was to punish me for breaking
with…everything. Everyone knows Lonnie is an asshole. But I was curious…after
all this time. I didn’t know if you’d be around. But that first day you were
there. And I don’t know…I just saw you.”

“What
does that mean?”

“I
don’t know. What I said. It means just what I said.”

“Danny…are
you going to Vietnam to get away from Sukey?”

He
looked away from me then. “I’m going because I have a low number.”

“You’re
going somewhere he can’t follow.”

“He
needs to learn to live without me. I can’t keep….”

I
nodded. “And what about…what are we? I mean…are you trying to make it right before
you go? Like a clear conscience move for the poor little darkie because I
didn’t appease them like you did? Because I wouldn’t answer their questions or
their attacks on my grandmother? Cause I could have. I could have appeased
them. I mean I don’t have a shit’s worth of athletic ability and I can’t tap
dance, but maybe if I got a test of some kind to see if there’s any African
lurking….”

He
grabs onto me and crushes me against him. “Stop it. Hilly, stop it. You hear
me? No more.”

He’s
rocking us back and forth, and it’s not comfortable. It hurts. And my head from
Lonnie’s booze. I have to keep my eyes closed. But that doesn’t mean I can’t
feel him holding it in, holding all of it in. So when it starts to leak out,
and I know he’s trying so hard to keep it where he’s always kept it, I don’t do
anything at all but let him cling to me.

It
takes a long, long time. He holds me that long and he cries and gasps. And I
don’t do a thing but allow it, just like he did for me.

But
I have never been confused about him.

“I
just…I don’t know where I’ll end up. I’m going away. And I’m already hurting
you.” He says this. His nose is clogged and he’s sniffing, but still I don’t
look.

“I’d
have to ask you to wait. That’s not fair. You don’t even agree with what I’m
going to do. I’m afraid you’ve already waited for me. I…I don’t want to know. Don’t
tell me.”

“It’s
always been you. Always,” I say, my eyes still closed.

His
head presses against mine. His arms haven’t eased up. He’s smothering me. “Hilly….”

“Seeing
you…everyday seeing you. You were with her and I knew…I always knew…and you
wouldn’t even look at me…and I knew…I loved you. I love you now. I will always
love you.”

Finding My Thunder 12

Lonnie
had not come home at all on Thursday night. I had barely made it home myself
before the sun came up. I had sat with Danny in the purple car, wrapped in
ourselves in this painful aftermath that somehow, in all of its messed up
truths and messed up lies felt comforting. I felt sorrow for how we had been. I
felt joy to finally say the words I thought I would take to my grave. I’d told
Danny I loved him.

And
it was like Naomi said to me so many times, there could be joy and sadness
together. One did not obliterate the other. Well she was right. I knew that
now. I felt them both.

Friday
morning Danny had wanted to pick me up for work but I said no. I wanted to
walk, to try and slip in the shop after they were busy. I did not know how it
would be with Lonnie but I was determined to pick up where I’d left off.

I
fed Sooner and started to walk, tried to get used to not having the pull I
always felt, the tether to Mama and my responsibility for her. To think she did
not exist, that I did not have to hurry, that no one waited, that no one
breathed in that house, it was such a foreign notion.

I
nearly walked into the street without looking I was so deep in thought. A car
slammed on its brakes right in front of me. Before that could settle there was
the screaming voice and the driver out of her car. The passenger, Lauren,
glared at me through the window.

Tahlila
crossed the front of her blue Mustang and charged up to me.

I
heard Danny’s name but I couldn’t understand the words. Then she spit in my
face and I hated spit more than anything. I wiped at it with my hand and felt
the wet and pulled the bandana off my hair and wiped my face and hand. She was
still yelling, her teeth so straight and white, her eyes filled with contempt. She
slapped me and then she hit me and more words. I backed away.

Lauren
was out of the car holding Tahlila and trying to calm her down. Pain was making
its way through and my cheek stung and my arm ached. I started to hear then,
hear words and I realized she was accusing me of taking Danny.

Lauren
comforted Tahlila, who was now sobbing and collapsing. Lauren was cursing me
too in-between. Another car pulled behind
Tahlila’s
then sped around them and laid on the horn. A woman came out on her porch and
told us to stop fighting and get in that car and go or she was calling the
police.

Tahlila
was pretty much slumped in the gutter with Lauren trying to get her up. They
wore their matching summer cheerleading suits. I just stood there trying to
take a breath and believe it was happening.
  

Finally
Lauren got Tahlila onto her feet and put her in the passenger’s seat. She
walked to the other side and before she got in the car she said, “You’re gonna
pay for this, bitch.”

They
pulled off, Tahlila bent over, all that blond hair pressed against the window. I
looked after them, glaring tail lights speeding away.

Then
I remembered to cross the street. I stumbled along and slowly came back to
myself as I got closer to the shop. I threw my bandana away. I didn’t want it
now. I smoothed over my braided hair and took a breath finally, before I went
in the shop door.

They
were all working. Lonnie was explaining something to Robert. He looked at me
then back to what he was doing.

Danny
hadn’t noticed yet, his back was to me. I went to the desk and sat down.
 
My legs felt weak. I was so tired all of a
sudden, I didn’t know if I could think. The careful piles I’d left were
rummaged through and it looked like a big paper bird had been murdered and
plucked on this desk.

I
felt through all the mess and found the ledger sheets I’d tallied the accounts
on. I set these aside then started to re-segregate the piles.

Before
long I felt a tug on my braid. It was Robert. “Hey Miss Hilly…how you
doin
’ this
mornin
’
darlin
’?”

I
didn’t know. I saw his eyes go to my cheek.

“I…I
need my time card,” he said.

I
took care of that. He put the time he’d got there and handed it back to me. “Smile
pretty girl,” he whispered and he went back to work.

Danny
was looking at me now. He waved and smiled.

I
noticed Lonnie busy in the back so I waved. But Danny straightened from what he
was doing and raised his open hand as if asking me what was wrong.

When
I turned away I could hardly concentrate. I sat there holding the next piece of
paper for I don’t know how long before I caught myself doing it—seeing her face
up close to me, her gnarled beauty and the hate spewing from her pink mouth. Black
bitch whore, she’d called me. It’s like I heard it now, first time, on a tape
in my head.

Such
rage. Shiny and broken-hearted. I didn’t know if things had ever gone so wrong
in her world before. She wasn’t having it. And not from me, insult to injury.

She
had looked me up and down, shocked I was this, skinny and dark and dumb in her
eyes. To have to face me, on her way to cheerleading practice…and I had nothing
to do with what had happened between her and Danny. But now she had
something…someone to blame.

They
were the oppressors Naomi would tell me I had to care about. The ones whose
immoral treatment I must not receive…must not reflect…lest I lower the bar for
all humankind. What a burden to bear.

I
turned a bit and looked at Danny grinding away on a piece of metal, sparks
shooting toward the ceiling like fireworks. He was Danny Boyd. Danny
Italiano
. The tree in the garden I must not touch. Or else.

Sukey
wasn’t the only one who thought he owned Danny. In her mind…she owned him, too.

They
were a year ahead of me at school, a year behind Danny. I’d be on my own with
them come fall. And Sukey. He’d be home in January. He’d finish the second half
of his senior year.

And
I’d crossed the line. Danny and I had been seen.

Now
I was meeting the gatekeepers. They were all around me, pointing out the
boundaries I’d ignored.

They
were walking those lines and telling me to get back. And I would have to decide
right here, right now, who I was going to be, how I was going to live. There
would be a price for whatever road I took. Didn’t I know?

It
was slow going at that desk. I didn’t make much progress. I couldn’t seem to
keep my mind nailed to the task. I was drifting in my thoughts…so many things
pulling.

It
was lunch time and Lonnie left without speaking to me. Maybe he was still mad
about his whiskey. Or me not telling him I’d be acting white from here on.

Soon
as he was gone, Danny was there pulling up a chair as close as he could. “How
you
doin
’?”

Robert
asked if we wanted to come to Mac’s and Danny said, “No,” really quick over his
shoulder, like dismissing Robert.

Robert
wasn’t having it and he threw a
workglove
at Danny
and Danny turned around and said, “We ain’t
comin
’,
man.”

“Can’t
she speak for herself?” Robert said pointing at me.

“I’m…not
coming. But thank you,” I said.

He
nodded then. “Want me to bring you something? You look like you could use
something.”

“She’s
fine,” Danny said. “I can get it.”

I
looked at Danny but he paid me no mind he was in this stare-match with Robert.

I
said to Robert. “I’m fine, thank you. Well, maybe a Coke.”

I
stood up and dug in my pocket, but Danny stood and dug in his and tried to hand
Robert fifty cents before I could get my money out. Robert looked at him and
ignored his money and said, “I’ve got it,” and he left.

“Damn
hippie,” Danny said. Then he sat again and pulled my chair against his open
knees. “What’s wrong with your face? It looks swollen.” He turned me a little
like he was seeking more light.

I
put my hand there and it was tender. “I…don’t get upset.”

“About
your mom?” He whispered.

I
shook my head.

“Did
Danny hit you?” he looked upset.

“No.
Tahlila.”

“What?”

I
told him how I remembered it. I told him she spit in my face.

It’s
like I punched him. He called her a bitch and kept apologizing. He had tears in
his eyes from anger. He looked at my arm right away but the red was gone.

“That’s
assault,” he said. “I can’t believe she did that. Don’t worry…I’m
goin
’ over there as soon as I’m off here. Don’t you worry. It
won’t happen again. And she has to know about your mom. I can’t believe she
would do this. How did she…we ain’t even had a date yet and you’re getting…!” He
sprang onto his feet and started to pace.

I
stood up too. “Someone saw us. Your car…well Sukey’s car…they know it.”

He
kept looking at me and shaking his head. “Shit,” he whispered. “I…fuck.” He
took steps away rubbing the back of his neck. He turned back to me quick. “This
is my fault. You got to go to school with them. And Sukey…I won’t be here to
help you. This is all my fault. I knew it. I always knew it.”

“Don’t.
Don’t blame yourself.”

“It’s
my fault. It’s completely my fault. You think I didn’t know this might happen? I
put you in this.”

“Don’t,”
I said. I didn’t like what he was saying, how it made me fill with dread. But
he wouldn’t look at me so I fell into the chair.

He
hurried to me and had his hands on the arms of my chair but he couldn’t hold my
gaze. He tucked his chin into his shoulder and closed his eyes.

“Danny,”
I said, but he wouldn’t look at me.

Finally
he did. “I’m so sorry, Hilly.” His dark eyes were breaking me.

He
touched my swollen cheek. “I never wanted to bring you trouble. I’ve been so
careful not to. I thought….” He shook his head and pushed off and stood. He
turned and went to the back of the shop and out the door.

I
heard Sukey’s car start up and I ran out onto the sidewalk. He pulled out of
the alley into the street and passed where I stood. He didn’t look at me.

“Hilly?”
It was Lonnie walking back with a six-pack in brown paper under his arm. “Where’s
he taking off for?”

I
didn’t answer.

“Why
you looking after him like that? What’s going on with you?”

He
had never asked me that. Never once had he wondered what went on in my life. I
didn’t answer him but went back in the shop and he followed me in there.

“You
know anything about my beer money missing?”

He
meant the cup on top of the refrigerator. I dug in my pocket for two of the
dollars Naomi’s flock had given me at Mama’s burial. I reached behind and held
them toward him until he grabbed them from my hand.

“Don’t
you ever touch that money. That’s where me and the boys put our beer money.” Well
he went on and on and I sat hard in the chair and moved it side to side and I
stared at the papers.

“Lonnie,”
I said finally because he was still ranting about me and that money.

“What?”
he snapped.

“They
are going to shut off the electric at home. You got forty dollars in your
checking here and I know this is payday. You think you could go talk to the
match company for the money they owe? Even old Mac still owes for the sink you
fixed. You think you could go ask about them paying on their bills?”

“What
you
doin
’
lookin
’ into my
money?”

I
shook my head.

He
kept studying me, chewing the inside of his cheek. “Don’t you think you’re ever
gonna tell me what to do,” he said.

“No
sir,” I said, cause it didn’t matter, we just needed the money. I kept telling
myself to stay calm.

Lonnie
didn’t know what to do with my politeness so he took his beer to the back to
put it in the box. Then he came walking forward. “I’m gonna tell you
somethin
’ and I don’t want to hear a word about it. But…I
know a woman who can help me…she’s a good woman. Now…it ain’t up to you…and I
don’t want to hear a word…cause I did right by
Renata
…I
waited and lived a long time with her
walkin
’ around
like a ghost….”

I
just kept staring at him.

“There
is someone who can help. I ain’t
payin
’ to run some
big empty house. I have had this on me ever since I come out of the war…no one
to help me…carrying everything. Things are gonna change now and you ain’t gonna
give me trouble. That old lady had that house tied up so tight I couldn’t get
anything out of it. But that’s gonna change with her gone. It’s all gonna get
opened up now.”

I
kept staring.

“You
are nearly grown…and you was more hers anyway. Didn’t it seem so?”

I
stared.

“If
you wanted to go on and move back with that one…well I wouldn’t stop you. I
know I said some things yesterday in the truck I might of shouldn’t said. But
you don’t know what it’s been like for me. So…you go on and move back with that
one and I’ll leave you-ins alone. And you…should do likewise. And you don’t
have to come in here at all. You just…go on and be with her. You can finish up
today…them piles you like to mess with…then you can go on home and get your
things and…like I said.”

He
went back to work then and I was sitting there moving side to side in the
chair.

Robert
brought me my Coke and smiled at me and he said, “You okay?”

And
I smiled back. “Sure,” I said. “Thank you.”

I
held the cold bottle to my cheek. It felt nice. But it felt even nicer when I
threw that bottle through Lonnie’s big plate glass window and glass fell to the
sidewalk like brimstone might. If God cared.