Finding Cait (12 page)

Chapter 31

Matt

    
This must be it, the way her body fits mine and her heartbeat soothes my
own.  This must be the special thing that makes the men in my unit call
home.  I
breath
in the smell of her hair and wrap
her up in my arms as tight as I can.  I have no idea why she won’t love me
but tonight I will take this if that is all there will ever be.  I wish
she knew that laying here with her right now like this was ruining me for all
other women.  I will never be able to love someone else the way I love her
and I know from experience I have never wanted to hold another woman the way I
want to hold her.  This love is illogical and completely out of my
control.  Please Court, help me fix this.

Cait

    
The ache I feel in my heart for him threatens to break through my chest and I
fight every urge to turn to him and give into what my heart is asking
for.  I close my eyes and steady my breathing in an attempt to fall
asleep.  I can feel Matt moving but I keep my eyes closed as he gently
kisses my neck and lets his hand slide down my body and rest at my thigh. 
My body instantly lights up as my desire for him reaches a fever pitch. 
  “I love you,” he whispers into my neck before laying his head back down
and drifting to sleep. 

    
I love you too,
I think to myself
but dare not say it out loud.  I drift off to sleep wrapped in his warmth
and wishing that tomorrow did not have to come. 

    
The next two days are the same.   Each of us taking turns
laying
with Court and giving her morphine.  She is
still able to drink fluids and eat yogurt so we stay on top of that as well. 
We have not turned the TV on in days and the time in between feedings or
medication is filled with stories and memories from long ago.  Matt and I
sit in her room taking turns on the chair or her floor and talk to each other
as if she is always listening.  During her windows of clarity she joins in
but those are getting smaller and she quickly drifts back out while we watch
and hold our breaths. 

    
Candy stops by each day and checks on Court and will change her sheets and
bathe her when we feel she is strong enough.  Today she asked Matt and I
when we last left the house and we told her about our walk to the café for
sandwiches a few days ago.  Candy makes a sad face and tells us that we
need to get out, caregiver burn out will take over and we will get lost in the
sea of death and dying if we don’t walk among the living in between.  She
offers to sit with Court for two medication windows and tells us to run grab a
bite to eat and spend some time with people.  We reluctantly agree knowing
she will not give up until we do.

    
I throw on a sundress and some sandals and meet Matt at the door.  He
looks amazing even though I know he hasn’t slept longer than a few hours each
night.  His hair is slicked back and his jeans and shirt are fitted. 
He opens the door for me and we get in his truck to make the trip down to a
restaurant in town. 

    
“What are you thinking?” I ask him as we drive along the small road.

    
“I am thinking that I don’t feel much like eating.  What about you?”

    
“I agree.  I know Candy would have never let it rest so I agreed to go but
I don’t think I can eat with the weight of Court’s suffering on my chest. 
Let’s just go get some fresh air.”  I turn and look at him as my hair
blows in my face.  I push back what I can behind my ears as I wait to hear
his response.  He reaches over and tucks a strand that I had missed and
then nods his head yes.

    
Matt turns off on the road that leads to the beach and then looks at me to make
sure I am okay with where he is heading.  Right now the salty air and sand
beneath my feet sounds incredible so I smile at him and then look out the
window to watch the trees as we pass them by.  After parking we make the
long walk from the lot to the shore stopping only to let me take my sandals off
once we hit the wet sand.  After staring out at the water for a while Matt
sits down on a berm and I sit down next to him.

    
“I want to thank you for sharing a bed with me Cait,” he says reaching for some
sand and letting it pass through his hand.  “I don’t know what I would do
if you weren’t here.  I also don’t know what I am going to do when you’re
gone.”  He looks at me quickly then looks back to the ocean.  I take
in a deep breath of salty air and then I turn to him.

    
“You’re welcome Matt, I need you in my bed as much as you need to be
there.  It feels great to have someone next to me again.”  We sit in
silence for a few moments and watch the sun begin to set over the ocean. 
The wind has picked up a little but other than that it is a picture perfect
night at the beach and I long for a time when it was Matt, Court and I with a
few beers and a little bonfire.  The memory feels so long ago and yet so
close. 

    
When we were younger we used to sneak down to this beach during the summer
months after our parents had gone to sleep and light a small fire with the wood
left from other campers.  Before the fire burned out we would strip down
to our underwear and run into the waves, swimming until our arms felt tired
enough to rest.  We would laugh in the waves as we searched for each other
in the darkness.  It is amazing that our teenage brains never allowed us
to worry about what could be underneath us or if there was any danger waiting
for us onshore.  We were just young and free and reckless. 

Chapter 32

Cait  

    
The air is still warm as it brushes past us as we sit in silence in the
dark.  I do the math in my head and figure we are about three hours into
our time away from Court and feel at ease knowing her next dose is coming soon and
any pain she is feeling will be lessened.  I know she will be happy to see
that Matt and I have gone to take a break, her first concern being our
happiness.  I turn to Matt expecting him to be ready to leave but instead
he is grinning ear to ear and then raises his
eye brows
before standing up and taking his shirt off.  I am speechless.

    
He strips easily out of his shirt and then starts working on his jeans.  I
look around, sure that he hasn’t checked to make sure no one else could
see.  I am guessing he saw my panic scope of the beach because he laughs
and says, “I’ve been watching and the last beach goer left ten minutes
ago.  Come on Cait, for old times sake.”  He pauses, the button
undone on his jeans and the zipper down, his eyes begging I join him. 

    
“What the hell,” I say jumping to my feet pulling my sundress off over my head
and throwing it down as I begin running towards the water. 

    
“There’s the girl I remember,” I can hear him say as he struggles to release
his legs from his jeans.

    
I don’t know how to describe the way it felt to be in my underwear running down
to the crashing waves.  Any weight that had held my chest down is lifted
and I can fill my lungs fully with air for the first time since arriving
here.  I find myself giggling as I allow myself to be mindful of the wet
sand squishing beneath my feet when I hit the water’s edge.  I never stop,
running as fast as I can into the ocean, fighting the waves in their attempt to
push me back to shore.  Finally I am no match for it’s force on my feet and
I dive into the salty water just as a wave crashes over.  If ever you
wanted to feel small and meaningless in this world, the ocean at night is the
place to do it. 

    
When I can hold my breath no longer I lunge to the surface, gasping for air and
searching my surroundings.  I cannot see Matt on the beach or in the water
and a more sane me would have panicked.  Having played this game for so
long now, I know as I float here wit the assistance of the salt that he is
lurking beneath the surface, his lung capacity far out reaching mine.  I
can hear the surface break from his force and then his breathing starts to echo
through the night. 

    
When we were younger I would try to remain so still, floating on the surface
calming my breath so that he could not find me.  It was a game to us,
Court and I would try to remain still and he would search and find us.  I
take a large breath and lay on my back, staring up at the sky full of stars,
imagining that my brain must be lit
up
as I am hyper
aware of all of my senses.  Floating on my back with my ears beneath the
surface I can only hear the hum of the ocean and the pounding of my blood
through my body.

    
For the first time since my marriage I am at peace with the world.  The
stars reach as far as I can see and the ocean has taken over holding me up so
the heavy weight that I have been carrying has been lifted.  I close my
eyes and imagine Court floating by me, each of us aware of the other but
waiting to be discovered by Matt.  I let go of Court in my head and
imagine her weight in the water next to me instead of where it had been
residing, heavy on my heart.  It is here that I let her go, at peace with
what is inevitable.  I cry, but not because it hurts, because it feels so
much better.

    
I can hear him calling me muted as my ears are still under the water and then I
lift my head hearing the panic in his voice.  “Cait, are you okay, what’s
the matter.”  He is treading water by me and must have heard me crying.

    
“I’m good Matt, sorry if I scared you.  I was just thinking about Court.”

    
“Me too.  Being out here in the ocean reminds me of better times and I had
to stop myself from searching for her here.” 

    
“I imagined her floating next to me like she used to.  I think I’m ready
Matt, I think I can let her go.”  I can feel the warmth from my tears as
the flow down my cool face.  He nods empathetically.

    
I am a little out of breath as I tread water next to him but can’t help myself
and I ask him a question I have wondered for a while, “How do you survive over
there, so far from home with the threat of death so close?”

    
He spits out some water that he had taken into his mouth and then answers, “I
am not afraid of dying I guess,” and he pauses for a minute and I imagine he is
weighing the decision to share more with me, “I welcome it at times
really.  The only thing that made me feel I needed to be here is Court,
when she dies it won’t matter.  I used to think I wanted marriage, kids,
the house, you know the things we are told make our lives worth living. 
Being over there has made me realize that not everyone gets those things and
even those lucky few are not promised the tomorrows needed to enjoy
them.”  I can feel the pain in his words and I draw in some water and spit
it out, not knowing what I should say or if saying anything would help.

    
After a minute he continues, “I do what I do so that the lucky few can live
their happy lives and the men and women that fight with me can come home
too.  Thinking about what I love here made it easier, the beach,
Court...you.” He stares at me directly in my eyes and waits for my
reaction. 

    
“Come on Matt, I have been married for almost ten years.  I have seen the
trail of broken girls you have left along the way.  You know nothing about
who I am now, only the carefree teenager you left when you joined the Marines.”

    
“That’s not true,” he says smiling now, “I talked to my sister every chance I
got and it didn’t take her long to realize that while I loved hearing about
her, our little updates about each other had better include how you were doing
and what you had been up to.”

    
I think about this for a second and then as much as I want to believe it I
remember he can be quite the charmer and I am sure that Court would have told
me if she was keeping him updated on my life.  “Shut up.” I say as I
splash him in the face with the water in between us.

    
“You got married June 1st, graduated from undergrad the following year. 
You were one of the ten percent that got accepted into your graduate program which
was a good thing since it was the only school you applied to being that your
heart was set on it.” I could not believe what I was hearing so I remained
speechless, treading water as he recapped the important milestones in my life.

    
“I knew about the fertility and the pregnancy, but I did not hear about your
loss and the divorce until she called to tell me it was time to come
home.  She told me she needed me and that this was my last chance to tell
you how I have felt about you since the day we moved in.  I guess she
thought that once she passed we would lose any reason to stay in contact, and I
would have no way to hear about how you were doing.”

    
I don’t know how to feel. I feel blindsided.  I am mad that Court never
told me about Matt in all the intimate conversations we had over the years but
at the same time I understand that she didn’t tell me because I would have
never been ready to hear it.  I was with Elliot and not available to
anyone else, even her brother.  My heart started aching again thinking of
what it must have been like for her to share in my every happy moment while
holding the knowledge that most of my life choices must have hurt her
brother. 

    
Dropping my head below the water, I surface again, hoping it would help to
clear my mind.  It suddenly dawns on me
what
her
intention had been the whole time.  I remember how she told me that Matt
being here was going to be so hard on him, that she hated to ask him to watch
her die.  She had cried to me a few days ago, telling me she was selfish
to have me come but the truth had been that she used her last days of clarity
to put together what she couldn’t while she was well. While she had wanted us
both to be here, she really wanted us to both be here together.  I should
have known better than to think for a second she could have made a choice out
of selfishness.  She just loved us both and wanted us to be happy. 

    
“You don’t have to say anything Cait. I just need to tell you before I leave
again. 
If you don’t love me that’s fine.
I am
used to the way that life has worked out for me. Like I said I know that only
the lucky few get to have the dream.  I just need you to know that you are
lovable even if Elliot is too big of an asshole to see it.  Someone else
will love you too.”

    
“It’s more complicated then that Matt,” I say as I wipe the tears from my
cheeks and then continue treading water feeling like it is quickly becoming a
metaphor for how my life has been these last few days.  I grow more and
more tired, alone in a large sea full of life but all of it hidden from me.

    
“It doesn’t have to be Cait.” With that he turns towards the shore and starts
swimming in, leaving me alone with my thoughts in the swells.

    
Unbelievable.  My loose ends I had tried so hard to tie up were beginning
to unravel and for a second I allowed myself to imagine telling him the truth,
that I loved him.  Somewhere down deep I always had.  I need to push
the thought of a life with him out of my head because allowing it in would make
it impossible to remain determined to end my life.  I know the resolve it
takes to kill
yourself
and the more time I spend with
Matt, the less resolve I feel I have.  I can’t stay here when she leaves
this
place
..can
I?

   I
shake my head hoping to disorganize the thoughts and push the hope out leaving
the resolve behind.  I begin my swim into shore, allowing myself to move
with the current in the ocean, alone in the darkness.  I start thinking
about how I am going to end my life.  The ocean is an option, knowing I
would be in here with my memories of her.  Perhaps I can swim out to sea
until I am just too tired to go on and allow the water to fill my lungs and
push out the sad life that is left behind.  My only fear is that his
memories live here too. In those final moments when my body is shutting down, I
wonder if I would look for him as if it was our game, waiting for him to find
me again. 

   
When I get to the shore he
is dressed already, waiting with my sundress and sandals.  I squeeze
whatever water I can out of my hair and throw my dress on over my head. 
He is watching me as I dress and I allow the attention to warm me instead of
forcing me to dress faster.  I grab my sandals, hooking them with my
finger as we begin our walk to the truck.  It is silent as we walk in the
sand and for the first time I feel a chill as the wind cools the water on my
skin.  Matt puts his arm around me to help keep me warm as we reach the
parking lot where the truck is parked. 

    
Walking with me to my side Matt reaches for his keys to unlock the door. 
I know we have been in the ocean for hours now and soon Candy will be giving
Court the last dose of morphine she had promised us and tucking her in for the
night.  I lean against the truck and look at the stars while Matt unlocks
the door and glances up to see what I am looking at.  He opens the door
and then leans his back against the truck next to me and we stare into the sky
surrounded by total darkness.  He reaches down an holds my hand and I
don’t know if it is that I am too tired to fight it or if my heart has won but
I lace my fingers with his and rest my head on his shoulder. 

    
“Thank you for tonight,” Matt says finally breaking the silence.  I rest
my head on his shoulder and close my eyes for a minute to try to capture what
it feels like at this very moment forever.  I am happy, not jump up and
down happy, but happy.  I know I am going home to tell my best friend that
she can go; I no longer carry the selfish need to have her here with me. 
I can feel Matt’s hand under my chin and he pulls it up so that we are eye to
eye.  He places his nose next to mine and this time I press my lips to his
before he has the chance to pause for permission.  My life has been
flipped upside down tonight and I decide that just for tonight I am going to
shut off the critic in my head, the one that tells me that spending the night
with him would ruin everything.  After all, if I am going to end my life I
am not going to allow Elliot the honor of being the last person to have me.

    
Our lips are now locked together with our tongues gently meeting in the space
between.  My body is on fire against his and he has positioned himself in
front of me, pressing me up against the side of his truck.  Our hands
explore each other and he reaches behind my head and pulls me closer to him,
increasing the intensity of our kiss.  His hands travel down to my hips
and he pulls me against him.  Tonight I am the girl outside the garage,
being pulled to him, sandals still dangling from my finger.  “Finally,” I
whisper into his mouth, “Finally,” he whispers back. 

    
We can hear a car approaching in the distance and Matt whispers, “Damn it,”
before separating himself from me.  He kisses my forehead and then my lips
once more and helps me into the truck.  I watch him as he walks to his
side of the car and while I steady my breathing I realize there is no longer
any doubt: I love him and it is going to change everything, but tonight I don’t
care.