Finding an Angel (15 page)

Lowering to the floor of the bridge, I cradle her in my hands. Tears immediately begin to fall.

“Angel? Angel, open your eyes. Open your eyes, please. Please Angel. I can’t live without you. Open your eyes. Damn you open your eyes!” I scream in panic and pain.

“Sir, I’ve got ambulance on the way. Are those your kids in the van?”

All I can do is nod my head. My heart is breaking, sliver by sliver it slips into the river below us.

“Is there someone we can call to come help?”

“Our parents or their Uncle will work. Either of our cells have the numbers in them. Both in the vehicles.” I run my hand through her blood soaked hair. “Angel, please wake up. Please,” I sob.

Just then the ambulance pulls up and they take Jessa from me and immediately start working on her. Moving her to the back of the ambulance, I force myself to get the question out.

“Is she going to be okay?”

The EMT looks at me with a grim look on his face. “I’m sorry for your loss, Sir…”

I drop to my knees and scream, “ANGEL!”

Sob after gut wrenching sob comes out and I can’t breathe. My world, my life, is being driven away from me and I’ll never hear her say she loves me again. I’ll never hear her sing to our kids. Never again will her incredible beauty take my breath away.

A man’s arm came around me and I saw my father kneeling next to me and my mom climbing into the van to get the boys.

“She’s… I’ve… We’ve… I was… Oh, God Dad,” I sob as he pulls me into his chest to offer comfort that will never come, that will never fill me.

“Come on, Son. We have to get off the bridge. They’ve arrested Lyle. I know that’s no comfort at all, but at least he’ll pay for what he’s done, what he’s taken from all of us.”

Numbly, I stand on my feet, the tears will not quit falling. Mom loads the boys’ seats in their vehicle.

“Do you want to ride with your boys?”

Shaking my head, I didn’t say any more than that. He leads me to my truck and got in the driver’s seat and me in the passenger’s seat. Resting my head against the window of the passenger door, I can’t even be around my boys… How am I going to handle being around my girls? They were so much their mother… A sob broke free again.

“I wish I had a magic wand and could make things all better for you, but you can’t let go of the only pieces you have left of her,” my father says as if reading my mind.

“But the girls look so much like her, how…”

“Let that be what helps heal you. Let it be what helps you cope. You created those beautiful babies together, don’t let them go because half of you are gone. Those are your kids too and they are going to need you now more than ever.”

“How am I supposed to go on knowing that I’m no longer going to go home to her? No longer going to be able to make love to her? No longer share a life with her? How am I supposed to open my eyes and see flowers and not break down because of her?”

“Because you have four beautiful babies that need your attention. Because you have a love for them that holds no bounds. Because no matter how long she’s gone, you’ll always see her in them. No matter how much time passes you’ll still hurt, ache for her, but it’ll get to a point that you can handle it. Don’t let Jessa down by turning your back on your kids.”

It is his last words that really hit home. I would be letting Jessa down if I stopped caring for them. So, that’s what I’ll do. All I’ll do. Provide for my babies, our babies.

Present day…

It was really hard for the longest time just to get up and out of the bed. To just continue on with life as if it was normal for us to not see Jessa first thing in the morning. To not hear her singing in the kitchen as she made breakfast for everyone. But I forced myself to do it, not just for the kids, but for Jessa too.

Not realizing it, I look around me to see the flowers where we spent so much of our time together growing up. Her space where she felt safe. Looking at the iPod dock that never really left the area because we loved dancing with each other, I look up a song and press play. The strands of
Let It Hurt
by Rascal Flatts starts playing. My chest starts heaving as tears fall faster and faster down my cheek. My whole body shuddering with the pain her absence has left behind. Dropping to my knees, I look up at the sky.

“I don’t know how I’ve managed it, but for the past four months I’ve managed to keep going. The girls still cry out for you and the boys look for you as if they remember what you’ve done for them in the first month of their life. Most nights it ends up with all of us in the bed together crying ourselves to sleep. We are so broken without you. We just don’t know where to go. You were our light. Our guiding path. And now you’re gone. I saved the videos of you in the van with the kids. We watch them a lot. But what I don’t let the kids see is the last piece of the video before you died. I watch that alone at night before I go to bed, so I can hear you say ‘I love you’ one more time.”

Taking a shuddered breath, I look down at my hands. “If I had picked up on the first call…” I shake my head. “I’ll never stop blaming myself. No matter how many times I can hear you in my head telling me that it was meant to be this way and that I did the best I could.” I laugh. “You were so certain about me, but I never held a candle to the person you were, Angel. I never will. I just hope that as you watch down over all of us, I hope you are proud of what I’ve done and who our kids become.”

The wind picks up and I can almost smell her and feel her wrapping her arms around my neck as she did every day she seen me when she let me close enough. Another sob breaks free from my lungs.

“I’ll never find another soul like you, Angel. No one will ever hold this heart again. Your mom said if you were here you’d be yelling at me for my decision, but if you were here I’d have you to love so my decision would be moot. When you left Jessa, I was so angry and sometimes I still am. If not for the kids, I’d have nothing. No purpose. No reason. No light. I’m trying my best to be the dad they need but it’s a challenge when I feel hollow inside. You’ve left this big gaping hole that can’t be filled. That darkness you said I pushed away from you, suffocates me every moment of every day since you left. I played the song
Why
by Rascal Flatts at your funeral because I was angry. If you’d just have stayed in the van… Locked the damn doors, but no you walked to him knowing…” my voice breaks off as I choke on my angry words towards hers.

“I loved you so much, but in the end I couldn’t save you. I couldn’t save you Jessa and because of me, our kids are without a mother, and I’m without a heart. I’d wished so many times that I could take your place… I love you. Nothing will change that not even death. We’ll see each other soon, my Angel. When we do, I’ll finally be whole again. Until then, I can only be half of the person you fell in love with and that half is only here because of our kids. Goodbye, my love.”

We found out after the trial that Lyle suffered from Schizophrenia and because his mother believed that it was just my Jessa rubbing off on him, she never sought help for him. He took a daughter, a wife, a mother from a family because she didn’t want to admit that there really is no ‘normal’ in life. We’re all a variety pack. And variety is the spice of life.

Pushing myself to stand, I reach up and try to wipe away the never ending supply of tears I have when it comes to thinking of my Angel. She truly is now… my Angel.

If you take away anything from life, it should be this…

Never look at a person and assume you know them. Never see a person at their worst and assume that that’s their best. But more importantly, never judge another for the things they can’t control.

Everyday there are people out there that fight invisible battles daily and are bullied because of it – no matter their age. When I was seven, I never saw a disease, a diagnosis or any of that. I saw a friend. I later saw the love of my life. If I could trade places with her, I would because this world is a far less brighter place since her beauty, intelligence and heart of gold have left it.

So think before you speak.

Speak only when you have something encouraging to say to another.

Stop ripping each other apart.

And most of all, love like tomorrow won’t be there. If there is one sure thing in life it’s that. Tomorrow is not promised to a single one of us. So stop taking life for granted and live it as full and freely as my Jessa learned to live.

Dearest Readers
,

Thank you so much for your time in reading
Finding An Angel.
This story is so close to my heart that I cried a lot writing it. My son suffers from these ailments and far too many judge him by his worst moments and never take the time to see what an incredible, inspirational, loving little man he is. Though he’s timid of new people, if you can make it past his walls, this boy will do whatever he can to make you smile and feel loved.

No one has the right to hurt or condemn other based on their
opinions
. If you can’t handle it, that’s fine, but don’t lash out at him because he can’t help being who he was born to be. My son has had his life threatened because people view him as the devil. He’s far from that and in his words “God is who has got me this far.” And he’s right. It’s very hard as a parent to fight a battle that I can’t see nor do I understand fully. But never has a day gone by that he doesn’t know how much I love him for who he is and that I don’t want him to change, but would like for him to get to a point that he sees life with less darkness surrounding him. (He’s a mommy’s boy for sure LOL)

But my son is not the only one that has to suffer this way. There are so many others out there. It doesn’t make them less human, less loveable, less deserving. It only makes them imperfectly perfect. The way God intends for them to be. There’s big plans in store. I know with my son, he’s shown me the world through different eyes and many things that you see and just walk on past is something that my son does not take for granted.

I’m hoping that with this book so many others will open their eyes and understand that words hurt just as much as a physical blow would. It’s as I had Jessa put in one of the paintings, and I tell this to my kids every day, “A person will hold many forms of guns in their lives, but the most lethal is the one we have on our faces.” So much can happen with words, so much can be taken or given. Please choose your words wisely the next time you see someone how is ‘different’ than the way you’d perceive as ‘normal’ because in my eyes… Normal is just a myth set forth by society to give them a reason to label the things they don’t understand. Just because you don’t understand doesn’t make it bad or wrong. Just because you don’t suffer from it doesn’t mean it isn’t hard or painful for those that do.

Be kind. Think before you speak. And remember you are leaving an imprint of who label the things they don’t understand. Just because you don’t understand doesn’t make it bad or wrong. Just because you don’t suffer from it doesn’t mean it isn’t hard or painful for those that do.

Be kind. Think before you speak. And remember you are leaving an imprint of who YOU are behind. Make it a great imprint that others can look up to and be inspired to be like.

Hugs to all!

PJ

There’s
so much I have to be thankful for these days, but listing those all on here is not an option. This journey as an author is not for the faint of heart, but really nothing is. I’ve come across some incredible people along the way though. Many of them have helped me along, talked me down, and gave me pointers throughout the process of this book.

Mechelle, your help through this process has been invaluable. I can’t put into words how grateful I am to have crossed paths with you on my journey. You’re truly one of the most humble, honest, beautiful souls I’ve met in a very long time. I love you girl, words can never express how much your friendship/sistership means to me. Though, I think I have a feeling you know. Hugs!

To my look-a-like (well apparently), woman I don’t even have words to tell you how much you’ve impacted my life. Every single day, every phone call, every chat sitting out on one of our porches… I love you girl. Hugs!

To my support system when I’ve been cracking over the past few months, Kylie Price, Amy Rogers, Kim Brown, Dawn Sullivan, Michelle Abbott, Allison Essin, Shawna Banker, Erica Perez, Tabatha Washington… Man I could continue on… You ladies gave me strength when I thought I was too weak to stand, pushed me forward when all I could do was stumble back, gave me faith when I lost hope, and more importantly were there when I felt so damn alone. The love you’ve shown me over the years has been welcomed and has not gone without appreciation or given back to you tenfold. You woman amaze me every single day and I pray that my daughter grows up as strong willed as each of you are. You are all a true inspiration and have inspired me daily. Thank you is not a big enough word for you all, but until there is Thank you and I love each of you wholeheartedly. Hugs!

And I want to extend another thank you to my readers. You are all incredible in your own way and because of that you make the world a better place. Hugs to you all!

Have a GREAT day y’all!

PJ