Authors: Michelle Betham
She watched as he walked over to her, taking the glass she held out for him and putting it straight back down on the counter.
‘There are reasons why I did what I did. Reasons why I pushed you away.’
‘So, tell me what those reasons are. Help me to understand just what’s going on here, Jim, because, right now, I don’t understand any of it. I don’t get it. None of it makes any sense.’
‘I can’t, Amber. I can’t explain…’ He slowly slid his hand up under the t-shirt she was wearing, causing her to gasp as his fingers touched her skin. ‘I can’t.’ He leaned forward, his lips brushing over her neck and she threw her head back. She let herself fall into him all over again until a glimmer of reality pushed its way forward and she gently pushed him away.
‘Because sex will solve everything, won’t it?’
‘It helps.’
‘I need you, Jim. Because without you I’m a wreck. I can’t think straight, I can’t function, because you not being there, it’s wrong. It’s not how it should be. But if we’re… if we’re even thinking about being together again I need you to be honest with me. For the first time in your life. I need that more than anything.’
He leaned back against the counter beside her, digging his hands back into his pockets, taking the deepest of breaths before he spoke again. ‘Before I came over to the UK, I was… I was involved with… I was involved with someone.’
Amber felt her stomach tighten as he spoke. Was he about to reveal yet another secret he’d kept from her for all these years?
‘We’d met at a party, some awards ceremony a friend of mine had gotten tickets for. She was an up-and-coming country singer, someone the music industry had tipped for the big time, even though she was so young. We both were…’
Amber watched him as he spoke, watched the way his eyes filled with those tears she very rarely saw; a look on his face that scared her, because it was so alien, to see him like this.
‘I was only twenty, she was nineteen… but we fell in love. Hard. We fell in love hard.’
Amber felt her stomach tighten even more now. To watch him talk this way about someone else hurt with a pain she couldn’t explain. And it felt strange, almost as if she was listening to someone else completely. Someone she didn’t know. As though the Jim she’d once known had left the room to be replaced with someone more vulnerable. Someone she was having trouble recognising.
‘And for almost five years we were happy. We were so happy. My soccer career was taking off, and her music was going places, we had it all. We had everything. We had a future…’
Amber took a deep breath, wanting to reach out and take his hand but not knowing if that was the right thing to do. Did he want her intruding on something that was obviously so emotional for him?
‘But somebody made sure that future was never gonna happen.’
Amber was willing him to look at her now. She wanted to see his eyes, to feel what he was feeling because she could tell it was breaking his heart. Whatever he was about to tell her, it was breaking his heart.
He turned his head, his eyes finally locking onto hers. ‘She died, Amber. She was on her way back from a gig in L.A., and there was an accident. Her van collided with a car that was speeding. It had cut the lights, swerved out of control…’
Amber reached out and took his hand, her fingers tightening around his, and he responded, clinging onto her as tears started streaming down his face.
‘I was in New York. I’d been playing in some soccer tournament and they didn’t tell me until… until it was over. For some reason. I don’t know why they left it. I just remember this numbness taking over, a pain so intense it cancelled out anything else I might be feeling. My whole world shut down that night. She was gone. She was my world, and she was gone.’
He turned away from her again, and Amber didn’t know what to do. Watching him fall apart right there in front of her was something she’d never seen before, and it scared her. Jim Allen was strong. Jim Allen was always in control. Jim Allen didn’t break down.
‘I changed that night.’ His voice was quiet, but there was a tougher edge to it now. ‘The person I’d been before, he was gone.’
‘Jim, baby, look at me. Please.’
His eyes met hers, tears still streaming down his face and she couldn’t help but reach out and brush them away with her thumb. ‘I couldn’t fall in love again, not like that. I couldn’t do it. I wouldn’t let myself. So I changed. I threw myself into my career, made the decision to play football over in the UK. It was the only way I could deal with it all. And I… I vowed never to fall in love again, because the pain you feel when your world is suddenly ripped away from you and you know you can never get it back… nobody deserves to feel that.’ His fingers tightened around hers once more, their eyes locked together. ‘But then came you. Beautiful, sixteen-year-old Amber Sullivan. From the very first second I saw you I knew. I knew I had to have you. I had to. And maybe I should have walked away, because you were so young, too young. But there was something telling me…’ He stopped talking, turning his head away for another brief second, causing another wave of confusion to wash over Amber. ‘The reason I spent all those years acting the way I did; the reason why I kept pushing you away.’ He turned back to face her, his eyes boring deep into hers. ‘I loved you too much, Amber. It was … it was like Carrie all over again, those same, uncontrollable feelings that I knew I couldn’t ignore. They were back, and they were real, and they scared the hell out of me. I wanted to be with you so much it hurt, but I couldn’t let myself get too close because that fear of losing you was just too great. Too overwhelming. And I know I hurt you, I know that, and I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry, because we wasted so much time.’
Amber felt her own heart start to break as she watched him wipe those still-falling tears away, once more turning his head so he wasn’t looking at her.
‘I thought I’d be able to handle it better, you know? When I took the Red Star job. When I came back up here. All those years apart, but I still couldn’t get you out of my head. I couldn’t forget you. I was still so much in fucking love with you, Amber.’ He looked at her again. ‘You know I took the manager’s job at Newcastle Red Star because I needed to be near you again. You know that. And I thought I’d be able to handle it better after all that time away, I really did. I was wrong. Because I didn’t bank on Ryan Fisher. I didn’t bank on you still hurting so much because of what I’d done to you…’
‘Jim.’
He bowed his head, his hand still clinging onto hers. ‘We almost had it, Amber. You and me. We almost had that future I wanted. We were together, you were my wife…’ As his eyes met hers again she felt her heart beat so fast she almost couldn’t breathe. ‘And still I pushed you away. Because that fear of losing someone I loved so much just wouldn’t leave me. I couldn’t forget how losing Carrie almost broke me, I couldn’t let that go. So I
had
to push you away. I had to pretend I didn’t care about you when you’re the
only
thing I care about. The only thing. And I should have been man enough to face up to everything and tell you the truth.’
She reached out and cupped his cheek in her hand, her own eyes filling with tears as everything she’d ever felt for this man collided and merged into one huge, emotional mess. Who she’d thought he was, and the actual man underneath, were two completely different people.
‘Why didn’t you just talk to me, Jim?’
‘You were so young when we first met, Amber. Too young to understand all the crap going on inside my head. And back then – back then I just wanted to be this hotshot footballer who was suddenly having women falling at his feet, giving him every distraction he could possibly wish for. I didn’t want to talk about it. Not back then. And I know that wasn’t fair on you…’
She leaned forward and kissed him, the salt from his tears dampening her lips. ‘You should have talked to me. When you took the Red Star job, when you came back here… you should have talked to me.’
He tried to smile, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. ‘I know. Jesus, I know that now. I’ve been so stupid.’ He pulled her into his arms, holding her loosely around the waist. ‘I acted the way I did because I was scared, Amber. And I’m so sorry, baby. So sorry I hurt you, so sorry for everything I put you through because throughout it all… throughout it all I loved you so much it killed me. And I had to put on that front, create a mask to hide behind because if I hadn’t done that, I would’ve fallen apart. But now? Now I just wish I’d been stronger. We wasted so much time.’
‘Sshh, it’s okay. It’s okay. Let’s not think about the past any more, alright? And let’s mean it this time. None of that matters now.’
He threw his head back, releasing a long, slow sigh. ‘I don’t deserve to have you in my life, Amber. Not after everything…’
She shut him up with another kiss, letting it build, her mouth opening to accept him more, his tongue sliding inside and she pushed against him, all those confusing feelings filling her head and she just wanted to forget them. For a few, short minutes she wanted them to go away.
He turned her around, lifting her up onto the countertop, pushing her legs apart with a gentle force that signalled the beginning of something Amber needed now. She needed sex with a man she’d never really known, but he was a man she couldn’t walk away from. She’d known that before, and she knew it even more now.
Leaning back, she placed her hands palm-down behind her, wrapping her legs around him as he pushed into her once more, so hard and so quick it rocked her whole body back, causing her to cry out loud, but it was a beautiful pain, and one she welcomed. To feel him back inside her was the only thing she wanted right now.
He slid the t-shirt she was still wearing up over her breasts, his mouth covering them in tiny, almost feather-light kisses, sending her beyond crazy as the rhythm suddenly changed, and everything slowed down. Everything became calmer. He was kissing her so softly it was making her cry all over again, his arms holding her so tightly, as though she’d break if he let her go. And she just wanted to stay there, in his arms, feeling him move inside her as he kissed her. She wanted to feel that, forever.
So when they both finally came, in a climax that was so beautiful yet understated in its intensity, once again she didn’t want to open her eyes. She didn’t want to step back into reality.
‘The next time, I want you to look at me when you come,’ he whispered, gently stroking her cheek with his thumb. ‘I want you to look at me.’
She stared into those green eyes of his; eyes that she’d never really been sure of. Eyes that had never really told her the truth, until now. Now she could see something in them she’d never seen before. Honesty. A whole new start. A different man.
‘I love you so much, Jim. But I never really knew you, did I?’
He rested his forehead against hers, his fingers now lightly stroking the back of her neck. ‘You know me now.’
She smiled. ‘I’m beginning to.’
He kissed her again, his lips soft and damp against hers as those tears still fell from his eyes, more slowly now. ‘Stay with me tonight, Amber. Please. Stay with me.’
And if there was one thing Amber knew for certain now, it was that she wasn’t going anywhere.
‘You look happy.’ Freddie smiled as he handed Amber her son, clean and freshly changed.
Amber breathed in Rico’s beautiful baby smell, kissing him gently. ‘That’s because I am.’
‘So, what’s changed since yesterday? Because when
I
saw you last you looked like you had the weight of the world on your shoulders.’
‘Jim and I, we’re back together.’ It was probably best to just come out with it. There was no sugar-coating the situation or waiting for a right moment that may never come. She was in love with Jim and he was in love with her. End of story.
Freddie just looked at his daughter, an expression of not-altogether-unexpected surprise covering his face. ‘I… Amber, I… When did
this
happen?’
‘Last night.’
‘I thought you were with Ronnie last night?’
‘It’s complicated, Dad.’
‘It always is, kiddo. And I have to admit, this isn’t something I was ever expecting to hear. I’d thought you and him were finally over.’
‘We’ve never been over, Dad. I don’t think we ever
will
be over.’
Freddie sat down on the arm of the couch, clasping his hands between his knees. ‘Well, I just hope you know what you’re doing, Amber. Because it isn’t just you and him any more. You’ve got that baby to think about now. And speaking of which, does Ryan know about you and Jim?’
Amber shook her head, cradling Rico in the crook of her left arm as she gathered all of his things together. ‘Not yet, no. I’m going to see him this afternoon. I suppose we do, kind of, need to talk.’
‘And how do you think he’s going to take it?’
She threw her father a look. ‘How do you
think
he’ll take it, Dad?’
Freddie sighed. ‘Amber, sweetheart, I have no idea how you make your life such hard work.’
‘I love him, Dad.’
Freddie looked at her, his expression softening slightly. ‘I should have seen what was happening all those years ago. I should have stopped it. You were so young. And I should have stopped it.’
‘How could you? You didn’t know any of it was going on, so how could you have stopped it? I fell, Dad. I fell so hard and so deep and it’s impossible to let go or walk away now, but… believe me, there are things about Jim Allen… there are things you know nothing about. He’s not the man I thought he was. He’s different. It won’t be like every other last time. It won’t be like that any more.’
Freddie’s head shot up, a fleeting expression of something verging on suspicion sweeping over his face.
‘He told me things last night that explained everything – why he acted the way he did all those years ago, why he did what he did…’
‘And you believe him?’
She stared at her father, cuddling her baby boy closer to her. ‘I do now.’
*
Jim sat back in his chair, staring up at the ceiling for a few seconds before sitting up, re-reading the email that had just arrived in his inbox. Things were changing so quickly it was difficult to take it all in, but maybe this was a sign – a sign that things were
meant
to change and that his life was meant to go in this direction. And it was what he wanted, after all; Amber back in his life, back in his bed – that was all he’d ever wanted.