Final Score (43 page)

‘But I
do
, Ryan. And I don’t want this. This shouldn’t be happening.’

‘Nothing’s happening.’ He stopped, just a few inches away from her. ‘Nothing.’

She felt a shiver run through her that she didn’t welcome. She closed her eyes and tried to think of Jim, but all that did was make her feel guilty. And then she remembered what he’d done to Ryan and the guilt changed. She felt angry, with Jim for lying to her and for doing what he’d done. For making her run – here. Straight to Ryan. Someone she’d vowed never to run back to. Yet here she was. And she hadn’t even realised she’d been running.

‘I won’t let you do this,’ she whispered, trying to ignore those dark-blue eyes and the sexy smile and those tattoos that were just so hot. She felt as if she couldn’t breathe; it was almost claustrophobic in there now, yet the window was open and the room was full of fresh air.

‘I’m not doing anything.’ His hands were still in his pockets, but his eyes were staring into hers. ‘Unless you want me to.’

‘Please, Ryan. Just go. Please.’

He threw his head back, sighing quietly. ‘We made a baby, Amber.’

‘What’s that got to do with anything?’

He took a step closer, reaching out to touch her cheek, stroking it lightly. ‘He’s that bond that can never be broken. That one thing that will always keep us together, and I think he arrived for a reason.’

‘Stop talking, okay? Just, stop talking. I don’t love you and I don’t want this. I really don’t want this.’

‘You don’t have to love me.’

‘This is crazy…’

‘Then push me away. Go on. Push me away.’

Once again her arms felt as though they were made of lead, and she tried lifting them but they weighed a ton.

‘Push me away, Amber.’

She closed her eyes. Maybe part of her somewhere thought that if she closed her eyes, all of this would just go away. Yeah, that naïve part of her had suddenly come to the forefront.

But she kept them closed, and of course that was an invitation to him. A way of telling him it was okay, and she couldn’t see that?

She felt his fingers slide around the back of her neck, burying themselves in her hair, pulling her head back slightly as his lips touched the base of her throat so lightly that she felt another involuntary shiver run the length of her body. He was coaxing the memories she’d tried to forget out of her now, all of them rushing forward like a tidal wave of images playing out all at once inside her head – memories of him touching her, kissing her, making love to her in the most incredible way, because they’d had some great sex. Oh, Jesus, they’d had great sex!

Another shiver flooded through her as his other hand took hold of hers, lifting it up beside her head, their fingers intertwining, locking together as his eyes met hers.

‘Push me away,’ he whispered, his mouth almost touching hers now, and all Amber could hear was the sound of heart beating so loudly, she was positive he must be able to hear it too.

She couldn’t reply; she couldn’t get any words out because she was sure that if she spoke she was going to utter something that meant she was saying this was okay, and it wasn’t. It was so far from okay. It was wrong. But everything about her life right now was wrong. Would this make that much of a difference? What the hell was she doing?

‘Push me away,’ he repeated, goading her in an attempt to make her do something she really didn’t want to do. Because she didn’t want to do this – did she?

‘Ryan…’

She closed her eyes again, clinging onto his hand, her body tensing up as his mouth finally rested against hers. And she gave in, oh God, she was giving in to him! She was letting him kiss her in that wonderfully erotic way, with his mouth slightly open and his tongue touching hers. She was letting him do that, and she didn’t want him to stop. She wasn’t sure she could make him stop, even if she wanted him to. And he tasted so good; he felt warm and hard, his toned and taut body was still not quite touching hers, but almost. She could feel an overwhelming heat. And once again she felt her chest tightening; he was giving her no room to breathe.

‘No,’ she whispered, shaking her head as he took hold of the towel covering her. She looked up into his eyes, pleading with him. Where was that strength she needed right now? Where was her handsome husband?

She gave an almost resigned sigh as she pulled her hand away, allowing him to pull off the towel, throwing it aside, his eyes immediately lowering to look at her breasts. And she wished she wasn’t breathing quite as heavily, that her chest wasn’t heaving quite as hard and fast as it was because that was another sign she was giving him that this was going to happen. And it wasn’t. She was going to stop it. Now. She was going to stop it.

‘Ryan…’ she gasped, taking a sharp intake of breath as his hand cupped her breast, his thumb flicking over her nipple, which was already hard. He didn’t need to do any extra work in that department.

‘Do you know how many hours I’ve spent lately looking at those photos you did? Those naked-yet-showing-nothing pictures can give me a hard-on just thinking about them. Because I know what you’re hiding. I take those pictures out and I look at them and I remember how fucking hot you really are, and I can come a dozen times from just doing that, Amber. Looking at those pictures, imagining you with those incredible legs wide open; I can come a dozen fucking times.’

Her breathing was becoming more laboured now, listening to him talk, feeling him so close to her. She hadn’t let him stand this close since before Rico had been born, but she could still remember it. That night. She’d been almost nine months pregnant but, for some reason, when he’d initiated sex she hadn’t pushed him away. She’d let him hold her, his hand on her bump as he’d made love to her, pushing into her from behind with a force so gentle it had almost made her cry. And despite the fact she’d felt big and tired and not in the least bit sexy, he’d made her feel like the most beautiful woman in the world that night. And that was the last time she’d let him get so close because that was the last time she hadn’t thought of Jim. Was she thinking of Jim now? As Ryan’s fingers continued to stroke her breasts, his mouth on hers, he kissed her so deeply it felt as though she were drowning. Was she thinking of Jim as Ryan’s hand dropped lower, skimming over her hip, sliding down her thigh? Was she thinking of Jim now?

He pulled at her knickers, nudging them down just a tiny touch, leaving his thumb hooked into the side as he continued to kiss her. And the fact he was leaving them right where they were was probably the most erotic thing about this whole, wrong scenario. But it was exciting Amber way more than she wanted it to. She wanted it to stop, for him to leave her alone and walk away, yet there was another part of her that wanted him to slide his fingers so deep inside her – an ache he’d caused and one she couldn’t control.

Running a hand up over his taut, tattooed arm, she was aware that he was nudging her knickers down a little bit further now, both of his hands concentrating on that task. And that’s when it hit her. A cold reality. The realisation that this was wrong. That the only man she wanted to touch her like this was her husband. She wanted to feel
his
hands
on her skin,
his
mouth kissing her, it was
his
body she wanted to feel inside her, not Ryan’s. Coming here had been a mistake. Letting him into this house had been a mistake. He might be Rico’s daddy but he was using that to do this to her, and she was letting him.

‘No, Ryan.’ She pulled his hands from her hips, pushing him gently away. Yes, he was hot. He was so fucking hot, and yes, he’d pushed her to the point where she’d almost given in to him, and she couldn’t deny she was turned on. She could feel that ache between her legs but it wasn’t for him, not really. Maybe it had started out that way, with his warm kisses and words that had caused her stomach to flip and her brain to become just a touch confused. But now she only wanted Jim. She wanted her beautiful American man, with all his flaws and faults; she could forgive them all. She
would
forgive them all. She just wanted him here. She wanted to put all of this crap behind her now and just be his wife. Wasn’t that what she’d always dreamed of? Spending her life as Jim Allen’s wife?

‘Amber, babe, come on!’ Ryan groaned, taking a step back, watching as she pulled her knickers back up. ‘I’ve got a hard-on from hell here.’

‘You’ll have to sort that out yourself. I’m sorry.’

‘You’re
sorry
? Are you kidding me? You’re standing there, practically naked, looking red-fucking-hot with those amazing frigging tits of yours. Since you had Rico, Amber, baby, those tits, they just got sexier, and they were fucking incredible before.’

She looked at him, cocking her head slightly but making no attempt to cover herself up. Was that fair? She didn’t really care any more. ‘Feel free to do whatever it is you need to do to ease any of that tension, Ryan.’ No. She wasn’t really playing fair. But since when had life been fair? ‘You’re just not getting inside me.’

‘Jesus Christ, you can’t stand there and talk like that, Amber. You can’t behave like you just did, sweetheart, and expect me to deal with it… for fuck’s sake!’ He threw his head back. ‘We were almost fucking there!’

‘Almost,’ she whispered.

He looked at her, those dark-blue eyes of his verging upon sad, something Amber didn’t want him to be. He deserved to be happy. ‘I love you, Amber.’

She shook her head, her eyes locked on his. ‘No, Ryan. You
think
you love me, but you don’t. I’m just an infatuation, the older woman who just happened to tick all of your fantasy boxes.’

‘We made a baby together, Amber.’

‘You keep bringing that up as though it’s going to make some kind of difference. It isn’t. And as much as I would never, ever change the fact that Rico is here, he wasn’t exactly planned, was he?’

‘You wanted a baby.’

‘I wanted
Jim’s
baby.’

Ryan hung his head and pushed his hands back down into his pockets.

‘Ryan, I’m sorry. I’m sorry, that was… that was uncalled for. And it wasn’t fair, I know that, but…’

He looked back up at her, and once more she felt a pull on her heart she didn’t want to feel. ‘But it’s the truth.’

She shook her head. ‘I don’t know what the truth is any more, Ryan. But… me and you, we didn’t set out to start a family. Rico wasn’t a mistake, I could
never
call him that because he is the most incredible thing to have ever happened to me. But me and you…’

He moved a couple of steps closer, reaching out to touch her cheek, but she turned her head slightly, causing him to drop his hand.

‘Out of that mixed-up, crazy night came our little boy, Amber. All that pain, all those tears… I held you, because you were almost broken, baby. You were falling apart and I held you, and, yeah, maybe it shouldn’t have happened the way it did, but we made him that night. We made our baby. And he is that link forever now. One that can never be broken. He’s that link that means we will always be in each other’s lives, and we just have to get used to that.’

‘This isn’t the way to deal with it, Ryan.’

‘Maybe there are reasons why it’s happening, Amber.’

‘I love my husband. Are you listening to what I’m telling you? I love Jim, so, this isn’t happening, and I… I don’t even know why I’m here any more because every minute without him hurts. And it isn’t even a pain I have to endure. I can have him. He’s mine. And I don’t know why I’m not with him.’

‘Even after everything he’s done?’ Ryan said, making no attempt to move away.

‘Even after everything he’s done,’ Amber whispered. ‘I love him
that
much. I know he hurt you, and I’m sorry he did that because, for a while, it got in the way. But I can’t do it. I can’t walk away from him. I’ve tried and it just doesn’t work. He’s walked away from me, and it just doesn’t work. Because he’s all I can think about.’

‘You thought about leaving him?’

She finally pulled on a t-shirt, a sign that this really was over now. ‘I thought about it. Because I’m not sure he can stop himself from doing all the crappy things he does. But I’m willing to try hard to learn to trust him. I’m willing to try, because I love him that much.’

Ryan’s eyes stared deep into hers. ‘I could never really compete with that, could I?’

She said nothing for a second or two, trying to let her own words sink in. Because she’d been talking to herself more than anyone just then. Telling herself what it was she was really feeling. Telling herself what it was she felt she should do. ‘Maybe it isn’t the best thing for me – maybe
he
isn’t the best thing for me, but I can’t walk away. If he’s out of my life I… I need him, Ryan.’

‘You never used to be so weak, Amber.’

She looked down, because looking into his eyes only hurt now. ‘I’ve always been this weak, Ryan. He just wasn’t around for a long time so I hid it. I tried to pretend I was a strong, independent woman…’

‘That’s
exactly
what you are, Amber.’

‘No.’ She shook her head, blinking back the tears that had started to well up behind her eyes. ‘It isn’t, Ryan.
This
is the real me – someone who can’t function without him. I can’t think straight or focus or…’

‘I can’t do this any more,’ Ryan said, grabbing his shirt from the bed before turning to face her. ‘You want to throw your life away on him, Amber, then you do that. You do whatever the hell you feel you have to do because I will
never
understand why you feel the need…’ He looked down, pushing a hand through his hair, sighing quietly before his eyes met hers one more time. ‘I love you. You remember that, okay? I love you.’

She watched as he left the room, closing her eyes and leaning back against the wall, waiting until she heard the sound of the front door slamming shut before she let the tears fall.

Sinking to the floor she hugged her knees to her chest, letting everything flood out of her; the confusion, the anger, the hurt. It all came tumbling out in a mess that she just couldn’t get a handle on, and she didn’t know how long she’d been sitting there, crying, but it was a knock at the door that roused her out of the well of self-pity she’d seemed to have sunk into.