Final Score (27 page)

‘All I could think about was coming home. I’d been in London since I was fourteen years old, Amber, but all of a sudden I felt like a stranger. Newcastle seemed like a safe place to run to, back to my northern roots. Back to where I belonged.’

‘I still don’t understand why you couldn’t just tell the truth.’

‘Because it wasn’t that simple. There was all the other shit going down with my addiction, the depression, the drinking… I couldn’t handle it all, I couldn’t handle any of it, if truth be told, and even though it was wrong, I know that now, I just wanted it all to go away. I wanted to get out of London and come back home and forget that any of it had happened. But I couldn’t leave it alone, could I? And the only way I seemed able to forget was to immerse myself in the crap that had caused all my problems in the first place. And the rest, as you know, is history. But now…’ He looked down at Rico again. ‘Now I know I should have just faced up to everything. I should have dealt with it all and not let it follow me to Newcastle. I was weak and I ignored everything Max and you and Gary… I ignored it all. But if I’d listened…’

‘Hey, come on. Look, it’s pointless going over old ground now, it’s happened.’

‘I wanted the fame and the women and this ridiculous life of excess that just isn’t fucking real, Amber. It’s all a smokescreen for people who can’t face up to the things they really need to deal with, but it isn’t real.’ He bent his head to kiss Rico again, stroking his tiny cheek with his finger. ‘This little guy –
he’s
real. You…’ his eyes were back on Amber’s, and there wasn’t a thing Amber could do to break that stare, even if she’d wanted to. ‘What I felt for you – what I still feel for you,
that’s
real. That is so fucking real.’

‘Ryan…’

‘I love you, Amber, and I don’t care that you don’t want to hear that, I don’t fucking care because
I
need to say it. I need to say it and know that you heard me, okay? I need that, right now, more than at any other time.’

Amber shook her head, but still her eyes wouldn’t leave his.

‘I’m scared,’ he whispered, and Amber felt a little piece of her heart break for this man in front of her. Because he really was so different to the person she’d first encountered just a couple of years ago. ‘Football is my life. It’s all I’ve ever known, and if that’s taken away from me I don’t know what the hell I’m gonna do. I don’t know who I’ll be any more.’

‘It won’t come to that, Ryan.’ She reached across the table, taking his hand, her fingers curling tightly around his. ‘Max won’t let it, I know he won’t. He loves you like a son; you know that. He’ll have the best people working on this, and it won’t come to that. You aren’t going to lose anything.’

‘I lost you.’

She slowly let go of his hand, her eyes back down on her wedding ring. ‘I’d better get back. I don’t want to be late.’

‘Amber…’

‘Rico needs to go back to the crèche.’

Ryan stood up, his baby son still asleep in his arms. ‘I can take him, can’t I? Amber, please, hang on…’

‘I need to get back, Ryan.’ She slipped on her jacket, walking over to him, leaning in to kiss her little boy. ‘And so does he. Make sure you get him back to the crèche soon. They’ll be expecting him.’

‘Amber…’ He reached out and gently grabbed her hand, stopping her from walking away. ‘Everything I said, I mean it.’

‘Yeah.’ She looked into his eyes once more. And then wished she hadn’t. ‘I know.’

Chapter Eighteen

‘Is he going to be down here long?’ Jim asked, leaning back against the nursery doorpost as he watched Amber settle Rico down in his cot.

‘I don’t know. They’ve suspended him indefinitely so it’s not like he’s got anything to stay up north for at the minute. And, like he said, while he’s got the time he might as well spend some of it with Rico.’ She walked over to Jim, flicking off the light switch so the room was bathed with the soft glow of Rico’s night light. ‘And that
will
actually take a bit of weight off our shoulders, for a little while, won’t it?’

‘He’s taking him every day?’

‘Most days, yes. Have you got a problem with that?’ She pushed past him and made her way downstairs.

‘Of course I haven’t got a problem with that… Amber.’ He followed her into the living room. ‘Is everything okay? You’ve been a bit on edge ever since you got home.’

‘It’s been a busy day, Jim, that’s all,’ Amber sighed, pouring herself a small measure of whiskey. ‘And I’m tired.’

He walked over to her, taking the glass out of her hand and pulling her into his arms. ‘Do you want an early night?’

‘Early? It’s half past ten.’ She pulled free of him, sitting down on the couch and switching on the TV. ‘I just need to chill out for a bit.’

Jim looked at her. Something was wrong, and it didn’t take a genius to work out what. ‘He’s not our problem, Amber.’

‘Yeah, you see, you keep saying that, Jim, but, to be honest, he still
is
our problem.’ Jim sat down beside her, and she turned her head to look at him. ‘Because he’s been down here for all of half a day, and look at me. I want it to be just you and me and Rico, but it’s never really going to be like that, is it?’

He reached out to touch her face, gently cupping her cheek in his hand, his mouth brushing lightly over hers. ‘It’s like that now,’ he whispered, his hand moving lower, sliding inside her shirt and cupping her breast, his thumb flicking over her nipple. ‘It’s like that right now.’

‘I hate it when you do this,’ she groaned, but she was already slipping out of the denim shorts she was wearing, lying back against the cushions as he unfastened her shirt before undoing his own, pulling it off and throwing it down on the floor. ‘I really, really hate it.’

He smiled, and she felt the past few hours just wash away, pushed aside as he took over everything. Her strong and beautiful American man. Ryan Fisher could try, and she’d never be able to stop him from trying, but he would never, ever come between her and Jim again. She wouldn’t let him, because she loved this man too much. She ached for him, constantly, with a need bordering on obsession. And all it had taken here was the touch of his hand against her skin and she was lost in him. And lost was exactly where she needed to be.

‘Close your eyes,’ Jim said quietly.

She did as she was told, a tiny groan escaping as he slowly pulled her knickers down, sliding them off. ‘I really, really hate it when you do this.’

‘But you love it, when I do
this
.’ He pressed his hand between her legs, leaning over to run his tongue lightly up and over her neck.

Amber groaned again, louder this time, arching her back as his hand pressed harder against her, his thumb touching her right where she needed to be touched, sending a beautiful shockwave coursing right through her. ‘Oh, baby,’ she laughed, squirming underneath him, her fingers buried in his hair as his tongue reached her ear, tickling her slightly, her stomach contracting in the most incredible way as he laughed his low-down-dirty laugh that got her every time.

‘You still tired?’ He smiled, running a hand over her leg as she pulled it up around him.

‘Hazard a guess, handsome. But let’s try and keep the noise down, okay? I’d like that little man up there to stay asleep.’

‘I can do quiet,’ he whispered, gently pushing her legs further apart.

‘You can do quiet?’

‘Oh, I can do quiet, baby. Because my mouth will be otherwise occupied.’

‘I knew I loved you for a reason,’ she moaned, arching her back again as his hand stroked her slowly, his thumb pressing gently, circling that part of her that sent those tingles coursing through her body once more with a speed that took her breath away. He pressed harder, responding to her moans, her tiny sighs turning him on so much he almost pulled his hand away so he could dive into her properly, but he wanted to do things this way first. He wanted to touch her and watch her as he did that; he wanted to watch as he brought her to a climax that would send him over the edge, but he didn’t care. Because he’d do it again, he’d come inside her and he’d do it all over again, and he had to close his eyes briefly to gain some kind of control, his erection now verging on the painful.

She opened her legs wider, pulling her knees back slightly as she felt that pressure start to build, her whole body beginning to burn up with the anticipation and she gasped quietly as he carefully slipped his fingers inside her, his thumb still rotating slowly, pushing and pressing until it all came crashing over her like the most beautiful tidal wave, washing over every inch of her as her body bucked underneath him, his fingers still inside her, and she could feel him touching her deep inside. It was the most incredible feeling.

He watched as she closed her eyes, a slight smile on her beautiful face, her hands clasped together above her head, accentuating those breasts of hers that he could look at all day, and he knew he couldn’t wait any longer. The pain was physical now, the ache too much to bear.

He kept his eyes on her face as he slowly pulled his fingers out of her, watching as she bit down on her lip, her back arching even further. ‘Baby, open your eyes.’

They flickered open, fixing on his and staying there as his hand held hers; as he pushed into her gently, her legs wrapping around him as he fell deeper.

‘Don’t close them’ he whispered, noticing her eyes begin to shut. ‘Please. I want to look at you.’

She stared up at him, her fingers tightening around his as their hips moved together in that same sensual rhythm, gradually picking up pace, becoming faster, his thrusts becoming harder and more frequent as that pressure built again, hitting them both within seconds of each other. And as Amber stared deep into his eyes she felt a pain so intense, so raw and so real she couldn’t stop the tears from streaming down her face. It was almost as if panic had risen out of nowhere, hitting her head-on, and even though he was there, he was with her, Jesus, he was
inside
her; she knew she couldn’t lose him again. She couldn’t. No matter what Ryan tried to do or say she couldn’t lose this man, because this time she’d fall apart and she’d never be able to keep it together, or carry on, not this time. She wouldn’t be able to do that.

‘I’m okay,’ she whispered as he looked at her, his expression one of concern, his fingers gently wiping away her tears.

‘Am I always gonna make you cry?’ He’d said that with a smile, and she couldn’t help but smile back.

‘I really need those promises from you now, Jim. And I need them because things have changed and I need to know that we’re really okay now, that we’re really here and we’re doing this and… and I just need those promises now. I need you to promise me you will never, ever leave me, do you understand? I need to hear you say that because I can’t lose you again, I can’t do that. So I need those promises now.’

His eyes bored into hers, their fingers still entwined, her breathing heavy and fast as she stared up at him.

‘I need those promises, Jim.’

His mouth lowered down onto hers, resting lightly against it as he spoke. ‘I promise you, baby, I am going nowhere. I
promise
you.’

She could finally close her eyes now, her breathing slowing down as he kissed her, pulling her deeper and deeper into his world but she didn’t care any more. She was giving in, waving that white flag and letting Jim Allen take her, completely, totally. Everything she had was his, he could have it all – her heart, her soul; she was tired of fighting it.

‘We’re gonna be so good together, Amber, you and me. Finally. We’re gonna be so good together.’

‘I know,’ she whispered, reaching up to run her fingers lightly over his rough chin, resting them on his slightly open mouth. ‘I know… oh, hang on. Listen, he’s awake.’ She couldn’t help laughing. At least the little guy’s timing was good.

Jim sat up, pushing a hand through his hair, watching as she pulled on her knickers and grabbed his shirt. ‘Do you want me to see to him?’

She leaned over to kiss him, lingering for just a few seconds, enjoying the feel of his mouth against hers, his hand resting on her hip. ‘No. I’ll get him. You go fix us some drinks.’

‘Okay… Amber?’

She turned to look at him, leaning against the doorpost, and he felt his heart shudder in his chest, she looked beautiful. So, so beautiful. ‘It really is gonna be alright this time. I’ll make sure of that.’

She smiled, before running upstairs. It really was going to be alright. It was. There was no other option.

*

‘Are you trying to avoid me?’

‘No, Ellen, I am
not
trying to avoid you,’ Ryan sighed, tucking the phone between his chin and shoulder as he sat down at the dining table in the kitchen of his rented home. If he was in London indefinitely, he wanted somewhere he could bring Rico back to. A hotel room just wasn’t going to cut it.

‘Really? Because it feels as though you are.’

Ryan ran a hand over the back of his neck, closing his eyes briefly as he tried to work out when this relationship between himself and Ellen had actually begun. Again. Because, for the life of him, he really couldn’t remember.

‘I’m down here seeing my son, Ellen, okay? I’m spending some time with my baby son. I wasn’t aware I needed to ask your permission first before doing that.’

‘Don’t get smart, Ryan. Of course you don’t have to ask my permission, that’s not what I meant. I just wish you’d told me before you left, that’s all. I was hoping… I was hoping
we
might be able to spend some time together too, seeing as you…’ She stopped mid-sentence, and Ryan sat back in his chair, exhaling deeply.

‘Seeing as I’m suspended?’

Ellen said nothing for a beat or two, obviously trying to gauge his mood. ‘Are you okay?’

He leaned forward, resting his forehead in his hand, staring down at the table. ‘I’m fine.’

‘Do you want some company?’ She really needed to see him. There were so many reasons that she needed to see him.

‘I’ve got all the company…’ He closed his eyes again, taking a deep breath, holding the phone away from his ear for a second or two. What the hell? It wasn’t like Amber was going to come running any time soon. ‘If you want to come down here, Ellen…’