Fighting to Stay (Fighting Madly Book 2) (3 page)

“You could have told me. You know that, right?” I stare up at him, and wonder how much pain he is really hiding from me.

“I know, but you would think it was about that night she ran into your room, but it wasn’t. And you just now started to get better, and I needed to think everything out in my head before I told anyone else. I’ll be fine, though; it’s nothing that won’t take time. Now you should get some sleep. You are looking rough.”

“Geez, thanks for that.”

“There is only one bedroom, so I’ll just take the couch.” He glances down, his face lost in his thoughts.

I look to the sofa and back at him, and have to suppress my laugh. James isn’t a small guy, and that thing is certainly not made for comfort let alone any good amount of sleeping. “Don’t be silly, we can sleep in the same bed.”

James looks over at me, pinching his eyebrows together, and takes his time thinking it over. “Sure. I’m going to go shower. I’ll head to bed after that.”

Bennett slings me over his shoulder. Each step he takes causes my head to bounce and the urge to puke once again rises in my throat. But I fight it back down, Bennett will only hit me more if I get him dirty. He opens the bathroom and throws me in the tub like I’m simply a bag of garbage. The sound of water hitting the tile of the bathroom makes my brain work overtime, and I try to fight with every ounce in me but the drugs paralyze me. Bennett hovers over me, his head getting bigger, and bigger, and bigger as more of the drug works through my system. Krystal steps in my view, cheering him on, spewing each vile word to fuel Bennett to keep going. Not like he needs anymore gasoline to the fire inside him.

The water hits my nose. I lock onto Bennett’s raged-filled eyes once more, but I can’t take anymore. The fight within me has disappeared.

Bennett is going to steal every last pant, wheeze, and air from inside me. And he’s going to love doing it.

And there’s nothing I can do about it.

Not one single thing.

But I don’t die this time. Bennett’s angry scrutiny isn’t fixed on me anymore, but James’s concerned eyes remain locked on me.

“Hads, you haven’t had a nightmare in forever.” His forehead creases as he stares down at me.

I take in a couple of jagged gulps before I attempt to open my mouth to speak. Each time the air fills my lungs, the physical pain inside hurts less and less, but that’s not what gets me, not what holds me down. No, it’s the emotions these dreams spark that stab me. “For the most part I haven’t, but I’ve also been taking sleeping pills. I think it has something to do with me not taking them before I laid down, add the new environment and the mess that happened earlier. Mix all that together, recipe for terror so I should have known I was going to have one. My fault. I’m sorry, just lie down and sleep. I’m going to watch some TV in the living room and pray something’s on in English.” I turn away from him, ashamed I have to take the stupid pills to make Bennett leave my mind, and to stop the memories that are too powerful for me to block out without something to help.

I lift the blanket and swing my legs over the bed, but as my feet hit the hard ground, James’s soft touch on my lower spine freezes me from moving any farther away from the grounding he’s giving me.

“You can stay here, Hads. I wasn’t sleeping anyway, so you won’t be keeping me up.”

I spare a look over my shoulder and see the dark shadows under his eyes. I know he’s telling the truth.

James is hurting, all thoughts of my terror stuffed down. He needs a friend right now, not me to wallow in the aftershocks of something that can’t be changed. Ever.

“You thinking about Liz?”

His stare drifts down to the bed. “Not really, just a lot of things. But you need to tell me about that dream.” His harsh voice betrays him.

“It’s not that big of a deal; same dream, different night. This one ended right when I give up, so thanks for that,” I say between the invisible hold strangling my throat that continues to burn.

I almost died—almost lost my life because I didn’t trust my gut, what it warned me against. I loved Reed too much, to the point it turned painful, bled toxic through us. I hate him for that.

But I hate Reed the
most
for continuing to be the imperfect piece missing from me.

I was too busy thinking he fixed me—centered me because I thought he possessed all my happiness on his own. I never thought
once
that I could be that way without him. Because I never gave myself any chance to prove otherwise. My life almost ended because I was too
madly
, too
hopeful
, too
stupid.

I loved him like I shouldn’t.

But that’s all on me, and that’s what hurts. What I hate the
most
about me.

James slides his hand up around my neck. “Come lay back down. I’ll get you some more sleeping pills tomorrow. I’m sure one of the guys here has some around.” He brings me down with him and I lay my head right by him, staring into his dark-brown eyes. I let myself wonder…if I’d met James first, or if I could have gotten over Reed years before, or if I was a simple, normal girl, what would it feel like to share a bed with him like this?

Would I be nervous? Excited? Would it make my heart race?

But I’ll never know because I’m not normal.

One day I will be. At least well enough to get a semblance of a small beat in my heart.

This isn’t that “one day,” and those things aren’t happening now with James. Because as much as I wish my hatred for Reed could stop me from loving him, it never will. He is
my one and only
and he will have a spot in my heart forever. But no matter how much he is my soul mate, I can never escape the past we’ve both hidden from each other, never break the bond that continues to suffocate us.

I hear the beat of James’s heart. I feel every small movement he makes in this bed and this closeness to another person I haven’t had since my last night Reed held me. It all plays tricks on my fragile being. I can’t do it—it’s not remotely right for James or me. I’m cheating on both of us.

On all three of us.

But James, he deserves someone to love him, and not use him to make old loves disappear. I will never take someone into my heart without being ready again. And I’ll never use another person—or substance—to fill a void within me, either.

That I’ve learned.

I turn my head away from him, and let the thoughts roll off. It’s too close for us to be. Too close for my heart—my mind—to take or process. James lays a hand gently on my stomach, rubbing little circles on it, but I just shove him away, roll over in the corner of the bed to the farthest spot I can to escape him without leaving the room. I need to deal with my problems on my own.

I want to run, hide in a corner far away, and not be strong, but I swallow that thought deep down. That’s not why I left in the first place—in fact, it is the complete opposite.

I wanted to find myself, and if that meant putting on a brave face when I feel I can’t go on anymore, I will. I’ll do it all if it means to one day look back at this and know I learned and experienced more than only agony.

If that means fighting through every single memory, I will, because no one else deserves to write the end to my story.

Except me.

This second chance I was given isn’t about James. It isn’t about Reed, either. Nor Bennett or Krystal. It’s not about anything but having a life. A real, fulfilled life. It’s about living with the one you have. My mother once told me to listen to my heart not my head to be able to live, however, this time it’s my brain I will listen to, to get the ball rolling.

My legs ache from my run so I lean against a tree for support, inhaling the fresh, crisp air and watching the trees move with each gust of wind that comes. The sun shines over the hill, giving me a taste of colors I never knew outside of a crayon box. Last night’s rain is still fresh on the ground, and it reminds me that each day is a brand new start.

It’s peaceful, open, and clear.

If I knew how to paint this view, I would in a heartbeat. A picture captured from my phone will never do it justice. So I always just stare, mentally reminding myself of each speck of color, each sound the leaves make, each feeling it gives me.

I must remember.

I need no music out here, only the beat of my heart to keep me going further, and the three weeks we have been on the hillside, it has given me a new love for mornings I never had. It’s the place where I can pretend that guards aren’t walking around protecting the former president. But they are always there, always looking around, giving me the security I need to feel safe in a place so foreign.

I stand on my tiptoes, pick a mango from the tree, and sit in the shadows the tree provides. I take one bite, and the stillness of the morning is interrupted as James sits down next to me, so close our knees touch.

“This is where you have been going before I wake up?”

“Sure is. Did his infection look better this morning?” I question.

“It did. I never saw that one coming, but I guess that’s what happens when you have a stubborn patient and he refuses to take antibiotics.”

We should have been home a week ago, but the damn guy has too much pride to listen to anyone telling him what to do. “When do you think we will be leaving?” I take another bite before handing it over to James.

“Not for a while. Gus wants us here for a couple more weeks to make sure no more complications happen. Roberto’s flying in to deal with his clients in the city, so there’s no rush. Why, Hadley, do you want to leave this place soon?” he asks, taking a huge bite of the mango, nearly finishing it off.

“No, I like it here. Like
love
it here. It’s just what I need, I was scared it was going to seem like we were hostages with the amount of security but that’s not the way it is. And they don’t look at me like I have three heads when I administer the drugs.”

“That
may
have something to do with me. The background checks came back a little late and I swore if you touched anything for yourself, it would be on my name.”

“Thanks, James. But you didn’t have to do that. I’m not going to let you down. Or myself down. Promise.” I don’t want to. The high they give is not worth it.

“I know, Hadley. Now what were you saying about this place?”

All conversation of my past drug use, James always veers the topic to another thing, like the mere mention of it will cause me to go search for the nearest high. “The city is great, but don’t get me wrong. Here is one of a kind. This is what I thought it would be like when you said Columbia—I mean minus not having the cocaine plants, which seems disappointing,” I giggle out. “Even with him being shot, I’m glad we got to come. Unanswered prayer thing. Plus, I don’t have to think too much here, not about anybody.”

James reaches for my hand and wraps his fingers around it, but I pull it from his grasp. “You can think about it. Reed and Bennett both were big parts of your life,” he says, picking the grass around him and throwing it in the wind. I know somehow deep down he’s not just talking about me.

“I don’t want to, that’s what’s good about this. Reed is so far away, I don’t feel like checking my email, no phone calls—nothing. Why don’t we just move here?” I lay my head down on his shoulder, pretending moving here could be a true possibility, and forget about the phone hidden away in the city, which probably has zero charge left on it, that isn’t waiting for me.

“I don’t think your family would like that much. Matt called me this morning having a coronary. He was worried you were kidnapped, since you haven’t answered any of his calls the last couple of days.”

“I’ll call him when I return to the house, but for now, can we just pretend no one else exists but us and just enjoy this spectacular view? Because this is some mental picture I don’t ever want to forget.” And for the first time, I don’t flinch when he leans down and kisses the top of my head before placing his head on top of mine.

For so long, I wanted to drift back to the part when my life—when love—was easy and a question mark for what my future holds wasn’t the only thing I saw. But now I’m good with the questions, good with the maybes and even better not having any of the answers because through my wandering and floating around the world, I’m discovering the things I want out of my life.

It’s time to forge on, to move to bigger things, to take a giant leap to what’s on the other side–waiting for me to conquer.

Because I will conquer.

“Hadley, sweet child, I have your dinner for you. I cooked you some hotdogs with some homemade ketchup and of course some of the soup I wanted you to try,” Martha, the head housemaid, says as she lays my plate for dinner in front of me. She’s the only house member I can actually hold a longer conversation with because her English is almost perfect.

“Thanks, it looks really good. Should I wait for James?”

She throws her towel over her shoulder, before going to stir some of the soup. “He went to go check on Senior Pelaz. I will make his food when he gets back. Now try the hot dog. I had the butcher make it just this morning for you.”

I take a big bite and moan. Martha makes the best food I have ever eaten and this dog is the best ever, puts New York to shame. “Oh, Martha, can you come back with us and be my cook?”

“Oh, no, Hadley, I’ve been working for the Pelaz family for too long to leave. Did you like my juice I set out for you this morning?” Her eyes shine with love, talking about her boss.

“I certainly did. It was the best one yet, but you should at least consider visiting me when we get back to the city. It would save me a bundle on the vendors,” I joke. I know she would never leave here. She thinks of him as a son, and she’s loyal to a fault.

“Do you know the story about the trees in the city?”

“No, I found it odd in a city that big, there were so many, but I didn’t give it much thought.”

“When my children were little, we lived not too far away from here and the cartel pushed us out toward the city. It caused a lot of us to leave with nothing but the clothes on our backs and he”—she points in the big house—“felt for us. People were starving all over so he planted the trees. The people could always eat, have something to sell to those above us. He changed many people’s lives doing that.”

Lost in her story, my phone rings a few times, interrupting her. Courtney’s name and picture flash across the screen. I’ve been an awful friend to her since we came to the hillside. My conversations with her are few and far between because she always brings up things I don’t want to talk about.

“Hadley, you can’t—how do you say…oh,
si
, avoid her forever. She only worry more for you.” Martha places her small hand on my shoulder and her face wrinkles up, showing her true age, a trophy for her life lessons she’s lived through.

“I’m not avoiding her at all. You guys don’t get good cell service around here,” I say, defending myself.

Her mouth curves in a small grin. “No, dear, we do,” Martha says sternly, eyeing my phone, prompting me to answer it.

She wins. I swipe the green button. “Hey, girl.”

“Oh, dear lord, you answered. I thought I needed to send out a search party for you. Only I didn’t have a clue where
there
actually is, so I didn’t know
where
to actually send them. You don’t call, you don’t write, you don’t answer.” She screams in my ear. No one knows where I’m at except Matt. It’s not that I don’t trust Courtney. I do with my life, but I like the idea of not being able to be found. Not to mention she’s got a big mouth and might slip up if Lance questions her. I’m good here without wondering, or having to worry, who will come show their face.

“Sorry, we just got to some place new. Cell reception has been choppy. What’s up with you and the baby?” If I mention her baby I know all other thoughts of ripping into me will be forgotten.

“Oh, Hads! We had our gender-reveal party last night. Wish you were here for that. It was so much fun even with me not drinking, but you weren’t there, so we move on. It’s a girl!” I hold the phone away from my ear as she shouts it. I can see it play out in front of me, her dancing and jumping around when she found out. I smile at the thought.

“Aw, Court, that’s great. Do you have a name yet?”

“Duh, it’s Gracie Lee. And I want to ask you something.” Of course she had a name picked out. Probably did the day after she found out she was pregnant, and she held out telling anyone until she found out for sure.

“I love it. And ask away.” I hold my breath because if she asks me to come back, I’m faking a bad connection and hanging up without a second thought.

“Will you be her godmother, pretty please?”

Not even hesitating, I say, “I would be honored.”

She gets quiet on the other line. “Great, now for the part I’m sure you will hate. Reed is the godfather.” She whispers out the last four words, but no use, I heard her words loud and clear.

“Okay.” I’ll have to see him eventually. It’s going to happen, but thank God not any time soon. Yet even knowing I’ll have to face him, have to be around him from time to time, even before I might be truly ready for it, it still wouldn’t stop me from taking on such a precious title.

“You aren’t going to fight me about it?” she questions.

“It’s yours and Lance’s baby, Court. This decision is yours and yours alone. I won’t say no to being a part of Gracie’s life simply because Reed will also be a part of it. That’s silly.”

“But that means you will have to see him—you know, have to speak to him and not yell. My baby doesn’t need that around her sweet ears.”

“I am aware of that one, Courtney. You’re my best friend and he’s Lance’s. When I left, I wasn’t delusional that I wasn’t ever going to see him again. I just don’t want to do that right this instant.”
Or anytime soon
.

“But if that’s the case, just come home and I’ll hide you from him.”

I wish I could say my newfound courage was ready to face him, but it’s not. And acknowledging it is a huge step. Last month I would have lied to everyone—even lied to myself—but I’m far away from being ready to face him.