Fighting to Stay (Fighting Madly Book 2) (15 page)

I didn’t think the urge to get fucked up again would call me back…but it did. I wanted to drink myself into a state of numbness, to snort that white powder, get in that state of high bliss and forget. I wanted to fly above everything I’d discovered. But for the first time, the voice in my head,
the good voice
, outweighed the bad, urging me not to use. I couldn’t ignore it. Or maybe I didn’t want to ignore it. I’ve given Bennett and Krystal too much time, too many tears, too much power to give them that. That’s why they did it, that’s why they dug up the truth about who I am. They wanted to have one more chance to play with me, to enjoy this sick game over me.

I couldn’t let that happen.

I was better than them.

They didn’t know how far I’d come.

I slip the key in the lock. It has been on my ring unused until now. I’m at the one, solitary place I know that can take the suffocating aggression out of me without snorting powder up my nose.

My hopes of Reed being here float away with each step I take farther inside. It’s too dark, and the gym smells too stale, too muggy. But why would he be here after I turned away from him yesterday?

He left when I said I didn’t need him anymore. I don’t blame him. He said it felt like goodbye and it did. Goodbyes between us are always slow, piercing and extreme. I should have said something more, should have said so many more things to him, explained to him that I’m a complicated mess of emotion.

All the time.

That when I think about the man I am going to spend my life with, it’s him I see growing old with—and that time, is what I need now, time and space by myself until I can be the person I was always meant to be—the Hadley I am proud of.

After the revelations of today, a tiny part of me wants to say fuck it now, screw getting better on my own, because the crutch he gives me is the quick fix. An easy fix. What I wouldn’t do for Reed to wrap his tattooed arms around me, cocoon me from everything else, and make me feel secure, tell me it’s okay, that I’m wanted. Help me forget my life. But life isn’t about forgetting, it’s about living, even through the bad.

I can’t help but become unglued. All my work was for nothing, because if I’m better, why do I feel so damn lost?

I sit on a bench in front of the cage and hit replay in my head. Every memory, every single hurtful word Mark told me since I was young, the disgusted looks he gave me when I did something he didn’t approve of, him being so standoffish every time he was around me. He wouldn’t even let me hold…oh, God, Jadon is my brother.
Fuck
.

I can’t breathe.

I can’t get air in my lungs.

This isn’t what should be happening when I find out who my father really is.

I hop up and jet to Reed’s locker, and after a couple of failed attempts on the lock, I put in my birthday 0522 and it unlocks. I strip out of my dress and put on his old, dirty clothes, yet as smelly and as sweaty as they are, it gives me some of the comfort I need. I steal his red wraps and start hitting the bag, pounding into it the way Reed showed me ages ago. With each punch of the bag, I feel better, but the second I stop to catch my breath, the doubts, the truths, crawl back in, so I hit—I fight.

The more I think, the more I process it all, the faster my arms swing.

All sense of time fades away, every inch of my body covered in sweat. My muscles burn but I push more, escaping for just slightly longer. I never wanted to train with Reed. I didn’t see the appeal after the first couple of times I came here. But I get why he does it now. The silence it gives my brain is the only peace it’s gotten in years.

“What did that bag do to you?”

I drop my arms at the sound of his voice. My shoulders move in sync with the sound of his footsteps closing in on me. I turn and stare at Reed and shock rings through me. He is here. He was gone, and I
let
him leave. I walked away when he told me the truth, because my fragile strength wasn’t there.

But
he
is here, standing in front of me.

Only for me.

Like he has been every day since I came back.

Because he loves me.

I’m locked on every move Reed makes as he saunters over to me, never looking at my face. He grips my arms and frees my wrists from the wraps. Reed’s giving me the small space I need, exactly what I would have asked him to do if I’d spoken.

Because he knows me.

He laces his fingers with mine, pulls me down on the bench, and kneels, never dropping the hold on my hand that I want.

Because he understands me.

“Mark is my father,” I fume. Saying the words out loud for the first time doesn’t make it better, doesn’t make me accept it.

“I know, I was there. Babe, fuck, what can I do?” He’s matter-of-fact with me.

“I wanted to get high.”

He draws my head closer and glares in my eyes, his face stone cold as he checks for signs on me.

“I didn’t, though. And I wanted you. I thought you would be gone, and when you weren’t here, I did the thing that helps you calm down.”

“Did it work?”

“A little.”

“Good. You want to go to Gus’s? Just warning, your dad is there.”

“Which dad? Because I have two now. I mean, I guess I always did, but now I know who they both are.”

He tilts his head. “Babe. Gus’s?”

“No, I don’t want to go anywhere they are at. I don’t want to see them or hear what they want to tell me. Can I stay at your place tonight?” I thought handing myself over to Reed again would break me, but it doesn’t. It’s my life, the things I did, that make me not right, the things hidden deep in the walls of my brain, and secrets from all the people I love. That’s my final seam to rip me apart.

“Is that really what you want?”

“Yes.” Because it is. One night without everyone but Reed, one night before I handle things.

“Okay. Let’s lock up and head out now. I’ll get you cleaned up and we can order some food.”

Reed walks me up the stairs. I don’t speak, not one peep to him, my mouth not opening one inch. I can’t. After the adrenaline from the workout wore off, it left me spent. Each minute I hold my eyes open, the energy to have a conversation wanes.

He leads me up his stairs to his room, his arms the only reason I got this far. “Stay here, let me get you a few things, then we’ll get you clean. I think you left some clothes in the closet.” His face is too soft, his voice too high. He’s worried now.

I still don’t say anything to him, only let a small whimper out, acknowledging him before I fall back and land on the bed we once shared. No matter how tired I am, my body fights the sleep.

“Hads, let’s get you in here.” Reed’s raised voice echoes from the bathroom.

I slowly get to my feet and walk toward him. I cross through the door. A slight shiver prompts me to wrap my arms around my waist, but I freeze in mid-step. I flash to the tub, the tub filled to the top with water, and Reed standing beside it with a small smile on his face. But my focus isn’t on him, not on anything but the water. And Reed’s grin fades and time swirls around and I’m transported back in time to the tub in the hotel room.

“No, no, no, I can’t. Please, no, I can’t. Not the tub, can’t, no, no, not the water!” I wheeze out. My vision blurs around me. Reed’s face is no longer in front of me. He’s just one big, fuzzy blob. My heart races on its own, my legs can’t hold me up anymore, and I buckle, but somehow, I don’t hit the floor.

Sounds—voices enter my head…the ones I know aren’t really here. Images of two people I despise are here, but they can’t be here, because Bennett and Krystal are locked away with bars surrounding them…yet here they stand.

Right next to my Reed, my safe haven.

They ruined this moment, too.

I
hear
, I
see
, I
feel
them burst in my mind. Both peer down at me. Laughter rings through my head, splashing—and I struggle to gasp for even the smallest amount of oxygen. The drugs never let the screams leave my lips, the screams for Reed to break through the door to save me. The water gurgles through my nose and scourges my lungs. They step farther and farther away from me. Yells from each one linger in the room before they leave, slamming the door shut without one glance at me dying. I tightly close my eyes, accepting all things and let my last thoughts of death take over.

The water no longer surrounds me, but there is a firm thumping on my chest. A mouth latches onto mine, a gentle hand tugs on mine, but I don’t move a muscle. I can’t respond. I freeze from the tips of my fingers to the bottom of my toes. My whole body shakes from the inside out, but it’s not helping me to wake. Because I want to stay in my head for just a tiny bit longer before I see my maker, before everything ends for me.

Reed’s voice floats back to my ears, yet too far away for me to grasp onto, though enough to chase away Bennett and Krystal’s ghosts. My clothes are peeled off, fingers comb through the knots in my hair, but I can’t hold on any longer. I detach again.

I’m not here. My reality isn’t real. It’s mental.

Everything about this is mental.

A soft kiss on my forehead causes me to blink and those hazel eyes that give me security are a welcome sight. But it’s fate’s way of laughing at me. I left him with unasked questions. No more turning back even in my sleep, because this nightmare is true and genuine.

Fingers graze my skin, a shirt being pulled over me, a soft thick voice is the last thing I register before I just go to sleep—let the unfathomable thoughts race in my head. It’s too fast for me to make sense of anything else before the darkness once again takes over and I close my eyes, tuning everything else out.

My arms are wrapped tight as fuck around Hads, and I speak over and over in her ear that I’m here. Hours seem to pass before her body stops quivering against mine, and the fight she’s holding onto loosens enough for sleep to come. I gently pry myself away. I stare down at my Hadley’s body curled tightly into a ball on my bed. Her face is still tense—she has hard lines everywhere and I know she didn’t lie to me yesterday. Shit isn’t right in her head.

I leave the door propped open before I go downstairs. I don’t know who to call or what to do. But after that breakdown, I know her dad isn’t the one to call, and Courtney and James are fucking states away.
Fuck.

A loud knock on the front door pauses my worrying. I peer through the peephole and my head clunks against the door. He would come here after what she just found out. He loves her in his own way. Some bond shit. It’s fucking childish, but I don’t like it. However, tonight, maybe that bond could give her something I can’t.

“Hey, Gus. If you’re looking for Hads, she’s upstairs asleep.” I leave the door open for him to come in.

“I figured, but I wanted to tell her something.”

“Go on, I’ll relay the message.”

“The fuckers took a plea, pretty damn good one if I say so myself.” He holds his head high with a bitter smile.

“What? They would never.” They wouldn’t after what they put her through today.

“Easy. They would if they wanted to live.” He pops his knuckles and even those fuckers look brutal.