Authors: P. J. Belden
Fighting To Stay (17 page)
Standing here, looking down at my beautiful wife, I hold a crying Miracle in my arms. Donna had arranged for her funeral ahead of time. All I needed to do was show up as she had said.
Music starts to fill the quiet church and a song starts to play. My tears flow when I realize it’s the song I sang to her two weeks before she passed away. Sam Smith’s soulful voice sings my feelings exactly with his song
Lay Me Down.
Miracle starts to sing along and before I realize it, I’m singing with her. Both of us clinging to each other for support, my heart breaking all over again.
Miracle leans over when the song is done and kisses Donna on the cheek, whispering painfully, “I love you Mommy. I’ll take care of Daddy, I promise.”
My tears flow harder as I hug her tightly to me. Leaning down, I kiss her cheek as well.
“More than the sun warms the earth and the moon lights the night, I’ll love you forever.”
Sitting down in the chair in front of her casket, Miracle continues to call out for her mommy.
I can’t do this, Donna. I can’t do this without you. Why did you have to leave me?
There was a stretch of time that I was angry with her. But in the end, it was my broken heart trying to release some of the pain.
“Daddy,” Miracle’s voice breaks into my thoughts.
“Yes, baby girl,” I answer as I wipe her never-ending tears from her eyes.
“Can Mommy hear me?”
“Of course she can. You can talk to her and tell her everything. She’ll hear you,” I say as my voice cracks.
Climbing from my lap, she walks back up to the casket. Stunned, I can’t move.
“Mommy? Daddy says you can hear me when I talk to you. You asked me a question a little while ago. I know my answer. No. Did you hear me Mommy? I said my answer was no. So, you can come back now. Please. My answer is no Mommy. Please come back.”
Walking up there, I gather her in my arms, but she starts thrashing about screaming.
“Mommy, I said no. Please come back to us. Please. I said no. I said no. Please Mommy, I’m sorry I didn’t answer, but I did now. Please…” She breaks off bawling as she curls into my chest.
Looking up at the ceiling of the church, I close my eyes and pray.
Please help me get us both through this pain and loss. Help me find the strength to raise her the way my wife would have. Give me strength to hide the pain from her. Please help me, help us.
Looking around at everyone dancing and laughing about, my heart hangs empty. The only woman that I will ever love is the only thing I can see during times like this.
When we got home after the funeral, I was tucking my daughter into bed. She was still mumbling about her answering being no. Not knowing the question left me at a disadvantage so I asked her what it was.
“Princess? What was the question that Mommy asked you?”
Sniffling, she pulls away from me and looks up at me. Her eyes were already swollen and bloodshot from all the crying we’ve been doing since her loss.
“She was laying in the hospital and she asked me to get on the bed. So, I climbed up there. After kissing my head, she asked me if I could take care of you since she no longer could and if we would be okay when she went to see God. So that’s why I told her no because she’d never want us to be sad. But she didn’t come back, Daddy,” her tears start anew.
“Baby,” I sit on the bed and pull her into my arms. “She can’t come back. Mommy wanted to be here, but she has important business to handle now.”
“What is more important than us? She said we were her world.”
My heart breaks even more. “She’s a Guardian Angel now. She’s protecting us now.”
“But I want her here,” she wails curling into my chest.
There was nothing I could do to mend our hearts. God decides when and who he takes. Even though our hearts ache now, I’ll be with her again and once again I’ll be able to show her my love again.
Shaking my head, I push those thoughts away for a moment. Laughing as my daughter chases after her cousin, Jeffery. Jeff is two years old now. My wife would love him. He’s just like her brother in so many ways, but just as much like his mom, Pollyanna.
Often times, I find myself wondering if Donna would be happy with the way Mira is turning out. She’s almost seven now and my God if she doesn’t look like her mama. I’m afraid for when she gets to dating age… Shaking my head, no, she’s not dating… ever.
“Hey brother. What are you thinking about over here by yourself with a smile on your face?” Hailey asks sitting down next to me.
“About my wife and about the future with Mira,” I answer never taking my eyes off my daughter.
“My sister would be so proud of how she’s turned out. You know that right?”
“I hope so,” I say softly.
“She would be,” she says placing her hand on my arm.
“How’s it feel to be Mrs. Robert Crosley,” I ask to change the subject.
“I can’t believe it’s happened, honestly. Look at him with my daughter. He’s always treated her like his own.”
“He’s a great guy and your kids will be very happy and loved.”
“I love you, Gare. You need to find happiness again, too. Donna would want you to have that. She’d want that for Mira too.”
Shaking my head sadly, we’ve been on this topic over the past two years since Donna passed away.
“Donna was it for me. I’m happy enough with just me and Mira. She doesn’t lack either. But thanks for thinking of me.”
She sighs. “Okay. I love you and just want to see you happy.”
“I’ve got Mira and the memories of my wife. We will be just fine.”
She pats my hand and walks off to join her husband in playing with the kids. Looking up at the sky, I smile as a tear slips down my cheek.
“More than the sun warms the earth, more than the moon lights the night, I’ll love you forever,” I whisper as a breeze wraps around me and I just know it’s her.
There will never be a day that I don’t think about her, remember her, love her, but the pain is easier to handle. One day, I’ll rejoin her, but for now Miracle and I participate in raising money for
Susan G. Komen Foundation
and have even started one of our own in honor of my wife.
Miracle and I talk about her and look over her pictures. I’m determined for her not to ever forget her or what she looked like.
Donna was the one woman that changed my life forever. She’s my world and will be forever. Just because she’s gone doesn’t mean my love for her has died. When she passed away, she took my soul with her.
We’ll meet again and I’ll never feel this emptiness again. For now, I’ll make sure that our daughter is loved and raised as Donna would have raised her. And we will continue to help those that fight cancer every day.
Thank you so much for reading. This book is dedicated to all those struggling (both directly and indirectly) and survivors of this merciless disease.
To help support further, you can make a donation here to help find a cure:
http://ww5.komen.org/GetInvolved/GetInvolved.html
If you enjoyed reading Fighting To Stay, you might enjoy some other titles by this author…
Hidden Secrets series
(Each book can be read as stand alones, but because the series follows a ‘family’ it’s best to read in order to have the full understanding of each character)
Forbidden series
(Each book can be read as a stand alone but will overlap the previous stories.)
Stranded series
Lost Trilogy
(Must be read in order)
Stand Alone
Writing has always been an outlet for me. Growing up, I’d write poems based on my moods or events happening around me. Eventually they grew from there. It was a great way for me to clear my head at night. A way to kind of shut down the day, so to speak. Now here I am so many years later, finally taking the leap into the author world.
My husband has been my rock this whole journey. We’ve been married for eleven years and have three amazingly beautiful children (11, 9, 6). They are the reason I push myself as hard as I do. They are my reason to strive each day to be better, to give them better. We are currently living in a small town in Indiana, but we have lived in Alaska, Illinois, Georgia and Tennessee. Out of all the places we’ve lived, Alaska has been my favorite and most inspirational too.
When I’m not writing, I’m chasing my three kids, a four year old Siberian Husky, or even sometimes my husband *winks*. We love having family craft day. If it is a down day, you can find me curled up with a good book or occasionally watching some television.
Our lives are like books. We’ve just got to write the story. So let’s write the best one to hit the pages.
For information about P.J. Belden, visit:
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https://www.facebook.com/PJBelden
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