Fighting Fate (23 page)

“You were scared. I get that now.” She slid her arms away so she could begin cleaning the kitchen.

“Now that you understand, do you think maybe we could try to fix things?”

“Meaning?”

He stood from his chair and walked over to her. “I mean, can I take you out? On a date?”

She nodded. “I think that can be arranged.” Then with a quick glance out the window at the disaster in her yard she said, “I’m just not sure when.”

“Don’t worry about it. We’ll get everything cleaned up. In fact, now that I’m fed, we can start with the cleanup. We can move some of the smaller debris into a pile and then I’ll cut up the bigger stuff when I get a chance.” He cocked his head to the side. “I think the dryer stopped. Do you mind if I take a quick shower?”

“No. I need one too.”

“Hey maybe we could—”

“No!” she said with a laugh.

“Too soon?” he laughed back.

“Way too soon.”

“Okay. I’ll settle for a date. But I want to make something perfectly clear to you.” He closed the small space between them and pulled her against his chest. “I want you to know that I still love you. And one of these days? I hope you remember that you still love me too.”

Chapter Sixteen

The past…

“He was just…he was trying to make conversation. That’s all,” Sarah said consolingly. “He didn’t mean anything by it.”

Cole glanced at her as he tossed another rock into the pond. It didn’t skip but sank straight to the bottom. Tonight, he couldn’t even do that right. Giving up, he dropped down onto the cold ground beside her.

The small pond was on the edge of Cora’s property. Cora didn’t mind if they were there and they’d been there a lot. If for no other reason than the fact that it was private. You couldn’t get to it from the main road. Coming in from Cora’s driveway was the only way to access the trail that led to it. Cora didn’t come out here anymore because it was too far for her to walk.

Over the past half year, it had more or less turned into their place. It had been one of their favorite places to go in the summer but now it wouldn’t be long until the water iced over. Soon, when the snow fell, the path that led to it would be impassible. But for now, for a few more weeks, it was still their secret haven.

Just being there calmed Cole a bit, even if his damn rocks refused to skip because his fingers were too chilled to throw them properly.

Frank Heath had always been nice enough to him but Cole always got the impression it was to humor Sarah. He was sure that Frank thought their infatuation would end sooner rather than later. Cole had thought the same thing.

< {n=" was prispan>It hadn’t.

It had grown into something that consumed him and he wasn’t able to break free of it. Not that he particularly wanted to. It was just that lately, he was starting to realize it might be in Sarah’s best interest if he did.

Tonight was one of the nights that those feelings were pressing down on him.

Now that he was well into his senior year Frank had asked him what he planned to do after school. The answer? Nothing. He had no plans. No
real
plans anyway.

His fork had rattled against his plate as he’d tossed an answer together in his head. Now, he turned to Sarah.

“You know, I meant what I said to your dad.” He hadn’t meant it at the time. It was just a bullshit answer that he’d fabricated when he’d been put on the spot. “Maybe I can work at the lumberyard and work my way up. Maybe if I put enough time in, they’d promote me to a supervisor. I mean, not right away. But after a few years.”

The lumberyard was huge. It kept plenty busy because none of the big home improvement chain stores had come into town. Cole knew there were at least three department supervisors. So it was a possibility.

“Maybe,” Sarah carefully said. “Or maybe you could just go to college.”

Without looking at her, he grabbed another rock and tossed it into the water. His hands were numb. Though she had gloves on, he knew she must be getting cold too. He also knew she wouldn’t complain.

“College,” he scoffed.

“College,” Sarah said firmly.

“College isn’t free,” he said bitterly. “And some of us don’t have—” He cut himself off. It wasn’t like she didn’t
know
but he hated pointing out all of the things he didn’t have. He didn’t feel sorry for himself. It just pissed him off. But the thing was, he didn’t want Sarah to feel sorry for him either. No one wanted to be pitied.

“There are other ways. Your grades—”

“Are average. And barely even that.” He tossed in another rock, watching as the ripple expanded outward and then faded away.

He didn’t hate school, not the way Darren did. But he didn’t exactly like it either. Luckily, he didn’t struggle with it the way his brother always had. If he would have ever bothered to actually apply himself, maybe he would’ve been able to apply for a scholarship. Now? That wasn’t going to happen. He’d pissed away the last three and a half years and he had a low B average to show for it.

“You have time to raise your grades a little.”

He shrugged. “It wouldn’t be enough.”

“Okay,” she agreed. “Maybe you can’t raise th {’ng was, em enough to get a scholarship. But you could raise them enough to get into a school somewhere. Or to at least show schools that you have the potential and that all you needed to do was turn things around.”

She had a habit of always making everything sound so easy. Compared to the rest of it, getting in
was
the easy part. It was paying for it that was impossible. That’s what kept holding him back, making him think he shouldn’t bother. Not that he expected her to understand that.

Or maybe she did understand.

“There are other ways. What about financial aid?”

He gritted his teeth and looked away. Her world was so different from his. He felt her hand move cautiously to his arm.

Her voice was low and so cautious, he barely heard her when she started to speak. “There are programs for low-income families. You could—”

“No,” he snapped, making her jump.

“Why not?” she asked, not backing down. “I’m just trying to make you see. There are options. You’re not in a hopeless situation so stop acting like you are!”

“I’ve already talked to my mom about those applications. She won’t fill them out.” He hadn’t meant to tell her that. It seemed that every time he talked about himself or his family, he just painted them in a darker and more despicable way. He had to give her credit though. She never judged him. She might not always understand him. But she never judged him.

He didn’t look at her but he didn’t need to. He could feel her gaze searing into him. She was waiting for an explanation. He didn’t want to give one to her. He was sick of always delving into his messed up family life. He was sick of talking about it. She had to be sick of hearing about it.

“It’s getting cold. You have to be freezing. Let’s get out of here,” he said.

She put a hand on his knee to keep him in place. “Let’s not. Why won’t Karen fill out those forms?”

Why had he even brought it up? He knew her well enough to know that now she wouldn’t let it drop. He could either deal with her insistence or he could just cave. He realized he might as well save himself some time and frustration because he was likely to cave eventually. Might as well do it now.

“She doesn’t want people looking into her finances.” Sarah frowned and he went on. “I don’t think she or dad have filed income taxes for years. They kinda just pretend that law doesn’t exist. There’s no way she’ll draw attention to that.” Though his parents hadn’t been together for years, they’d never bothered with the formality or expense of a divorce. Cole was sure that was mostly his dad’s doing. Since they were technically married, he felt it gave him the right to slam into their lives whenever he wanted.

“Look,” he said sharply, “I don’t expect you to get {ct nt> it.”

She held up her hands, as if in surrender. “I get that you don’t want to talk about it. So. Okay. Moving on. What about a loan?”

He sliced a look at her. Did she have any concept of how much money that was?

“What if I don’t cut it?” he asked, voicing his biggest fear. “What if I can’t make it, I fail out and I still have to pay it back? Then I’m worse off than I am now.”

She stared at him for a moment, as if waiting for him to take it back. She finally shook her head. “You cannot be serious. You would never fail. You just wouldn’t.” When he didn’t respond her voice was firm when she continued. “It’s only hopeless if you believe it’s hopeless.”

“Did you read that on a poster somewhere?” he grumped.

She didn’t crack a smile.

“You just don’t get it. You’ve had everything handed to you. You don’t know what it’s like to want something that is completely out of your reach.”

She folded her arms across her chest. “Of course I do.”

“What?”

“I wanted
you
. And I went way out of my comfort zone to make it happen.”

He couldn’t help it. He laughed at her because the two were nowhere near the same thing. She didn’t seem to think it was so funny but he really didn’t care. He’d gotten tired of the serious topic and he was glad to see it end.

“I wish you could see yourself the way that I see you,” she said quietly.

He let out a self-deprecating laugh. “How do you see me?”

“I think you’re perfect.”

He opened his mouth, clearly in protest but she stopped him. “You are. You’re perfect in all the ways that really matter.”

Her words stopped any more laughter from crossing his lips.

“You have a good heart. I know you want to make a better life for yourself. You’re smart even if you don’t think you are. You always make me feel like I’m the most important person in the world.”

“To me, you are,” he said. “You mean everything to me. I’m just afraid that someday you’re going to figure out that you want more than I can give you.” The thought had been troubling him for a while. Thinking it and actually saying it were two very different things. It wasn’t like he didn’t think she would eventually come to this conclusion on her own. It was just that he didn’t want to hurry her along.

“If you want to work at the lumberyard, then work at the lumberyard,” she said. “But only if it’s what you want.” 

“And what about you?”

“W {izer words hat about me?” she wondered.

“Will that be good enough for you? If that’s all I do?”

She shook her head and grabbed the collar of his jacket in her fists so that he would have to look her in the eye. “Cole, I have been trying to get through to you for months. I want to be with you. But I want you to be happy too. You don’t have to change for me. But I want you to think long and hard about what you want to do for yourself.”

His head was all tangled up in what she said. With just a look or a certain tone, she had the ability to twist his thoughts around, until he
almost
agreed with her.

“You know what?” His tone was teasing because he just couldn’t take any more of the serious talk. “I think you like me. I think you might like me a lot.”

She laughed as she gave him a shove. The momentum was enough to push him backwards. He grabbed a hold of her as he toppled, pulling her along with him.

This was what Cole did. He’d never said those three, all-important words but he hinted at them.
I like you. I like you a whole lot,
he would say with a mischievous grin.
I think you like me a whole lot too. But not as much as I like you.

She was still smiling when she looked down at him. “Oh, I definitely do,” she said. “I like you.”

“You do?”

“Uh-huh.” She leaned down until their lips were touching. She dotted several light, teasing kisses on his lips and down his neck.

He didn’t have the patience for that. He gently knotted his fist in her hair, bringing her mouth back to his. His free hand slid down her back and he used it to press her body into his. Then she took over the motion on her own, rocking subtly against him. After a few minutes, he realized he might be in trouble.

“Can we go back to your house,” she mumbled.

She’d been there a few times before. She’d never turned up her nose or made disgusted faces like he’d been worried that she would. However, right then,
that
had nothing to do with why he knew he shouldn’t bring her there.

She was propped up, hovering over him. Her messed up hair hung around her face. Her cheeks were flushed. Her eyes had a determined look in them. She was so damn beautiful, sometimes he couldn’t stop looking at her. She shifted her weight around as she bit her lip. The sensations she caused were enough to cloud his judgment.

The ground beneath him was rock hard due to being half-frozen. If it hadn’t been, he’d have been more likely to say they could stay right where they were. It would be the smart thing to do {t tes, h because while at the pond, out in the open, they were less likely to get carried away.

“I don’t think anyone is home tonight,” he finally warned.