Fifty Shames of Earl Grey: A Parody (19 page)

“I’m not sure who that is, but speaking of being meant for each other . . .” Earl gets down on one knee and produces a jewelry box from his pocket. “Remember when I said I wasn’t the kind of guy who could see himself with a girlfriend?”

I roll my eyes.
How could I forget?

“While I stand by that statement,” he says, “I
can
see myself as the kind of guy who has a wife.”

“I think that kind of guy is called a ‛husband,’” I offer.

Earl smiles and opens the jewelry box, revealing a gold engagement ring topped with a gleaming rock. “Anna Steal . . . will you marry me?”

“Yes! Yes, yes, yes!” I say, unable to contain myself. Literally, I am unable to contain myself, as urine trickles down my leg.

I remove the ring from the box and slide it on my finger. Upon closer inspection, the stone is actually a diamond-studded twenty-sided die.
Oh my.
The ring is so heavy I can barely lift my hand. My inner guidette does a fist pump
.
I want to spend the rest of my life with this amazing, rich, attractive, rich man. “This calls for a celebration,” I say.

“I think I know what you mean,” he says, embracing me and lowering me onto the bed.

“Hold on,” I say. “Did you just hear something? In the closet . . .”

Earl marches over to the closet and throws the door open.

“Dr. Drew!” he screams.

The doctor stumbles out of the closet. “Sorry, I was just, ah . . . leaving.” Dr. Drew scampers out of the room. As he barrels down the stairs, I hear him trip and roll the rest of the way to the bottom. Dr. Drew screams for help, something about a bone showing.

“Should we go check on him?” Earl asks, peering out the door.

“No,” I say. “He’s a doctor—he can heal himself.”

Earl closes the door. “I believe we were getting ready to celebrate,” he says, removing his jacket and tossing it across the room. He loosens his tie. “Care to join me?”

Now it’s my turn to smirk. “Actually, there’s something
I
want to try, for a change,” I say, propping my head up on a teddy bear. “Leave the tie on, and take off your pants.”

“Yes, Miss Steal,” he says, grinning wickedly. He slips out of his gray dress pants and silver thong, revealing his slender, muscular legs. His manhood, jutting out from underneath his dress shirt, is primed and ready to go.

“Get your ass over here,” I order him. I kind of like being in charge.

He does as he’s told, and stops beside the bed. “What exactly did you have in mind, Miss Steal?”

“My fiancé’s name is Earl effing Grey. If you don’t teabag me right this second, I’m calling bullshit.”

He shakes his head. “It’s a shame we didn’t do this sooner. I love you, baby,” he says, straddling me on the bed.

“And I love you,” I say.

He dips his sack into my open mouth. As I taste his expensive coconut-lime body wash, any remaining uncertainty over our future together fades. I love him: the father of my child, my future husband, my lover, my partner in kink, my Maverick . . . my beloved Edward Cullen. I mean, “Earl Grey.”

Epilogue

M
ISS STEAL, you’ve been in labor for sixty-five hours now. The baby is in trouble. We have no choice but to do a C-section,” the obstetrician says.

“Then do it, goddammit,” Earl says. He has been here in the hospital, holding my hand throughout the entire ordeal. Carrying his baby to full term was painful enough, what with all its sadistic behavior in the womb, but the past sixty-five hours have been even more painful. The nurses can’t pump enough painkillers into my system to stem the pain.

I squeeze Earl’s hand. “It’s . . . going . . . to be okay,” I mutter. I am exhausted and need to rest, but I need to be strong. For our baby boy.

“Do we have your consent, Miss Steal?”

“Okay,” I hear myself say. My voice sounds like it’s coming from another dimension.

“Excellent,” the obstetrician says. “This will all be over soon.” She turns to a nurse and asks for the anesthesiologist, and then orders another nurse to wheel my bed into the operating room.

Everything happens so fast. We are whisked down a hallway, through another corridor, and into the OR. Earl, who is wearing scrubs over his suit, follows me, holding my hand every step of the way.

The next twenty minutes are a blur of doctors, nurses, and epidurals. I close my eyes, and can’t feel anything. Thank God. I turn my head to Earl, and he smiles weakly. I feel myself slipping in and out of consciousness, but perk up when the obstetrician finally says the magic words: “Here’s your son.”

Earl is holding the newborn swaddled in a blanket. The baby’s face is wrinkled, and his dark hair is matted down, but he’s alive. And cute. His eyes are closed and he looks so peaceful. Chris Grey. Our baby.

Baby Chris’s eyes open. They’re gray just like his father’s. Baby Chris smiles wickedly, and flashes his pointed vampire teeth. Wait—his what?!

I look up at Earl, who smiles and flashes his own pointed fangs. “I guess there’s something we need to talk about,” he says. The baby gazes at me, and I gaze at him, and then Earl gazes at me, and then we all take turns gazing at each other gazingly.

BOARDROOM HOTTIES

VOL. 14, ISSUE 3

“Earl Grey & Anna Steal Married in Seattle”

A
BOARDROOM HOTTIES
EXCLUSIVE BY KATHLEEN KRAVEN

Three months after the birth of their first child, the Earl Grey Corporation’s resident hottie Earl Grey and his fiancée, Amazon warehouse employee Anna Steal, have tied the knot. The couple was married in a hush-hush ceremony in Seattle’s newly renovated Space Needle this April—and
Boardroom Hotties
was there with the exclusive!

Earl, 28, and Anna, 22, began dating nearly a year ago and caused an uproar when they “came out” in public at Earl’s drunk diving charity ball. It also caused a stir around the
Boardroom Hotties
office, mainly because we had all assumed the mysterious Earl Grey batted for the other team. Not so!

Longtime
Boardroom Hotties
readers may remember Earl and Anna’s close call last year, when their helicopter crashed into the Space Needle. Thankfully, Earl escaped without a scratch on his gorgeous face. Anna’s injuries were more severe, but she recovered quickly thanks to celebrity doctor Drew Pinsky. Thirty-two tourists lost their lives in the accident, which totaled the historic landmark. Earl financed reconstruction of the towering structure, and the Space Needle now stands over 1,800 feet tall—nearly three times its previous height. Word on the street is that its new distinctive pinkish hue and “veiny” appearance are modeled after Earl’s own “space needle.” This reporter was unable to confirm the likeness, unfortunately.

The wedding ceremony was attended by close friends and family only. The groom’s side of the aisle was packed with local celebrities, including Earl’s adoptive father (and 1986
Boardroom Hottie
of the Month) Bill Gates. The bride’s nudist mother and stepfather made for some interesting family portraits!

The bride wore a tasteful white Louis Vuitton for Target bridal gown designed specifically for the occasion; the groom wore Tom Ford (literally—he draped the designer over his shoulders). Standing up for the couple were this reporter (as the maid of honor, celebrating eleven months of sobriety) and best man Tom Cruise. The ceremony was officiated by the Reverend Brent Spiner.

The happy newlyweds will be honeymooning with their infant son at Triassic Safari, Earl’s private dinosaur park in Hawaii that he totally thought of way before Michael Crichton wrote
Jurassic Park
.

Earl Grey’s Fifty Shames

The Complete, Unexpurgated List

1. Shopping at Walmart on Saturdays

2. Bondage with handcuffs

3. Plays BDSM (Bards, Dragons, Sorcery, and Magick)

4. Mancrush on Tom Cruise, even after all the Scientology/ Katie Holmes BS

5. Spanking

6. Actually likes the taste of Bud Light

7. Whipping

8. Flogging

9. Cried when Oprah went off the air, but never found the time to watch her cable channel

10. Caning

11. Backdoor sex

12. Prefers Jay Leno over David Letterman

13. Teabagging

14. Nipple clamps

15. Doesn’t understand why everyone hated the
Star Wars
prequels so much

16. Thought Jerry Seinfeld was the funniest part of
Seinfeld

17. Bath & Body Works Signature Collection Coconut Lime Breeze body wash

18. Cock rings

19. Doesn’t get
Mad Men
—like, at all

20. Uses a PC laptop with an Apple sticker covering the Dell logo

21. Steals Wi-Fi from neighbors

22. Finds it incredibly erotic when women pick their noses

23. Nickelback

24. Only flosses teeth the week before a scheduled dentist appointment

25. Watches
Titanic
at least once a year, and laughs every time when that guy hits the propeller

26. Team Jacob

27. Trolls Craigslist for dates

28. Wishes Katy Perry and Russell Brand would reunite, because they were so good together

29. Thought Heath Ledger was “just okay” as the Joker

30. Olive Garden is his favorite Italian restaurant

31. Bondage with rope

32. Pays women to live-action role play (LARP)

33. Never finished reading Ayn Rand’s
Atlas Shrugged

34. Watches professional wrestling religiously even though he knows it’s not “real”

35.
Gossip Girl

36. Can’t remember the last time he trimmed his toenails

37. Makes frequent references to
Snakes on a Plane,
even though it wasn’t even funny to do so when the movie was in theaters

38. Vibrators

39. Thinks Tim Burton is kind of overrated

40. Wishes everyone would just leave Kristen Stewart alone

41. Lesbian porn doesn’t really do it for him

42. Can eat a pint of Ben & Jerry’s in under half a minute

43. Thinks Jeff Foxworthy is hilarious

44. Snowballing

45. Thinks you just can’t beat a good floral-print Hawaiian shirt

46. Kind of thought George W. Bush was decent as commander in chief

47. Butt plugs

48.
16 and Pregnant

49. Pegging

50. Reads erotic romance novels

AN EXCERPT FROM
Fifty Shames in Space

Earl Grey bends me over the railing overlooking the vast, alien jungle and takes me from behind. In our rush to get busy, we have stripped off only the minimal amount of clothing necessary, and are making love with our pants around our ankles and the rest of our space clothing untouched. The twenty-pound jetpack is still strapped to my back; it takes an eternity to get completely out of our space battle gear, and neither of us can wait another ten minutes to get hot and heavy.

As we bone under Xenux’s twin moons, I think about all that’s happened since the birth of our son: the human-vampire war, the invading alien forces that exploded the sun, the fact that Jin and Kathleen finally found true love (with each other), and then, six months later, their breakup after Jin caught her making sandwiches with the Winklevoss twins.

The closer I get to climaxing, the more my nipples ache to be touched. Finally, it is too much to bear. I fumble with my top, in a desperate attempt to free my breasts as I ride Earl to my pleasurable destination. One touch is all it will take to send me over the edge. Earl, sensing what I’m trying to do, wraps an arm around me to cup my left breast—but his long fingers find the jetpack’s emergency booster switch instead.

I am shot three hundred yards across the jungle, where I crash-land into a tree.

It is the best orgasm of my life.

When I trek back through the jungle and find Earl, there’s not much left of him. The direct blast from my jetpack’s single thruster cut him in half at the waist. My poor Earl Grey is now fifty shades of messed up . . .