Read Fifty Shades Of Sparkling Vampires With Dragon Tattoos That Play Starvation Games Online
Authors: Lacy Maran
Tags: #romance, #humor, #paranormal romance, #paranormal, #satire, #parody, #spoof
"Well, now that we've finally run out
of people trying to kill you, what do you say we gyrate some
genitals?" Hunky said to me.
But I put up a roadblock on Hunky's
hormones. "Whoa there Horny Mclustyloins. I haven't even told you
about my favorite emo ice sculptor yet. Sheesh, this shotgun
wedding isn't going to plan itself."
Same Melodrama, All New Lame
You'd think with all the unnecessary
drama I'd caused over the years that the story of my mopey life
would finally have a happy ending. But surprise, more melodrama
awaited. Before the hair pulling, hand wringing, and outright
sulking could resume though, a little smidge of happiness had the
nerve to waltz into my life.
Of course if you couldn't have fun at
your own wedding, then maybe you picked the wrong soulless
bloodsucker to spend the rest of your life with. That, or the
universe hated your guts. Still, every sourpuss was entitled to a
day that didn't suck every once in a while.
Now I had to say, in the short history
of sparkling vampires and whiny girls shacking up, we were
definitely in the Top 100. But sweet as the erotic balloon animals,
interpretive dance ice sculpture, and bad ass corn maze were at the
wedding, the honeymoon was like a trip to heaven on Icarus'
wings...no wait, that was a bad metaphor. Then again, my life story
was riddled with bad metaphors, shameless happenstance, and hollow
plotting, so what else was new?
Besides, there was some seriously hot
and heavy humping to do, and my naughty bits could not have been
more ecstatic. And, as an added benefit, it turned out having a 104
year old husband meant he'd had over a century to master the art of
getting jiggy with it. But, all good sex came to an end though.
And, shocker of shockers, sometimes boinking had some permanent
repercussions (no, not the wacky siph dog). That's right, I caught
a nasty case of baby fever.
If you could believe it, with one
completely improbable plot twist, I had a fanged bun in my oven
right there on my wanton honeymoon. It turned out vampire sperm
sure knew how to throw ovaries one hell of a party. Then it was
just like wham, bam, thank you zygote. Suddenly my life would never
be the same. Now if having an overactive fetus wasn't enough of a
sign that the honeymoon was over, morning sickness was the final
stake through my happy go lucky heart.
Just like that, the soggy Northwest was
calling our names. Although nothing could have prepared us for the
spork in the road we came to next.
"My vagina hurts," I kept saying to
myself as my pregnancy went completely off the rails. But I wasn't
the only one concerned with the turbo charged trimesters I was
"Wow, pregnancy really blows," Hunky
said, as comforting as a cactus in my crotch.
"Yeah. This must be really awful for
you not having a watermelon-sized half fanged creature growing in
your belly. Let me cry you a crocodile tear river."
"Now is not the time for sarcasm. I
know you've always wanted children, but if we don't do something,
that fanged freak might kill you."
"Oh no you don't. We can't just bail on
our unborn bundle of joy at the first sign of complicated
"Honey, you've been throwing up
confetti puke all morning and your uterus has been shopping online
for a designer casket. We seriously have to consider giving up this
"Did Second Fiddle give up wanting to
bone me even though I carved his heart out with a toothpick? No.
Have psychotic vampires given up trying to kill me even though I'm
the least special person in the history of ordinary? Hell no. And
has this fetus given up making me sicker than a dog even though I
asked it nicely to calm the hell down? Absotively not. So I ask
you, should we be the only ones to give up around here?"
"Well, so much for that online course I
took in rousing speech giving. Look, I know you're worried I might
do something melodramatic like die on you, but despite the fact
that I should have been killed about ten times right now, I'm alive
"Actually, that's your baby using your
digestive tract as a deadly playpen."
"Fine, Mr. Brooding Vondoomster. Have
it your way and be educated and smart and crap. But I'll have you
know that I have a connection to this baby. So if you want it,
you'll just have to go into my womb and get it."
Meanwhile, on the other end of the soap
opera spectrum, Second Fiddle was having a hell of a time adjusting
to life as a shirtless hunky bachelor. Yet there the luscious lunk
was, pining for the pregnant one that got away. Never mind that he
could have been swinging his dingaling into any number of women’s
orifices at that very moment. He wanted to smolder passionately
over a girl that took projectile vomiting to a whole new
But being a member of the wolf pack was
about more than just cutting firewood while topless. There were
important decisions to be made. No, not about world peace, poverty,
or global climate change. About my potentially lethal bun in the
oven (I guess it really was true. I was the center of the
But despite how pussy whipped Second
Fiddle was by me, he was only one wolf--and was vastly outnumbered.
So while the broken hearted wolf was securing his place in the
competitive moping hall of fame, his pack was pondering the
ramifications of the most famous fetus in the world. It seemed
absurd to be holding such intense meetings over something in my
belly, but yet they were.
People kept acting like the kid was
going to jump out of my womb with a bazooka and open fire on the
whole underworld. I had put my unborn child on a strict diet of
classical music though, so I was pretty sure my kid was going to be
a total genius. At least it had better be, otherwise all my stage
Mom training would be a complete waste. But before I could turn my
kids childhood into a clown show that was secretly about me making
up for my own deficiencies, I had to push the little bugger out of
One thing was clear though, when it
came to the wolves though, my diaphragm spelled the apocalypse.
And, since the wafer thin plot hinged on me defiantly defending my
unwanted pregnancy, I flipped the apocalypse the bird. Second
Fiddle meanwhile wasn't about to let me bite the bullet so quickly
though, so he splintered off and formed his own renegade pack based
on defending my honor again (wow, maybe I really was a home
My womb had other ideas. Go figure, but
pregnancy totally blew. As bad as the morning sickness and the
migraines were though, it was labor that tried to kill me. So when
my water broke, my bones and spine followed suit. The scene turned
into a horror movie, with blood splattered everywhere. Then
suddenly at the least opportune time, my brain went and had a
thought (maybe giving up the baby wasn't such a bad idea after
Surprise surprise though. I managed to
not die yet again (ha ha, take that Grimm Reaper). It turned out
Hunky swooped in at the last minute and injected his swoon worthy
vampire serum into my heart, thus saving my life. See kids, being
stabbed in the heart really was romantic (please don't try that at
If the most dramatic labor in the
history of childbirth wasn't enough, Second Fiddle knew how to add
that extra layer of insanity. In an epic miscommunication (there
seemed to be a lot of those in my life), the shirtless Wolf thought
I'd died mid labor. And, blaming my kiddo, ol' Fiddle decided the
best course of action was to murder my child...wait,
Let me get that lunkhead logic
straight. He thought I was dead, never to come back again. So
naturally the way to make the situation better was to kill another
person too. Hmm, I think I made the right decision picking the
hunky vampire instead of a hot yet unspeakably dumb
In the end though, logic mattered
little in my world. But with another ridonkulous twist, Second
Fiddle didn't actually end up killing my kid, but rather imprinting
on her by mistake, thus making my child and the wolf soul mates for
life. Clean up in aisle five, I think my brain just
I meanwhile woke up with a new sense of
immortality. For once in my life, I wasn't just a damsel in
distress anymore. Instead I was a blood thirsty damsel with a kid
in tow that I was ill equipped to raise (thank God I had eternity
Even after all that melodrama, I still
couldn't live whiny ever after in peace. An annoying little twit of
a vampire, who just happened to be moseying through my plot, went
and misidentified my kid as a threat to existence (did the poorly
executed missed communications never end?). And, instead of just
clearing things up with me and my Hunky hubby, she went and tattled
all the way to Italy.
Naturally the Vultures went and
overreacted like the little bitches they were, leading to the most
epic of all unnecessary fang off's on the horizon.
That revelation did not lead to the
bedroom banter I was expected.
"Hey, so thanks to you, my whole family
is going to be exterminated by super powered vampires. But at least
I got to change a few years worth of diapers before kicking the
bucket," Hunky said.
"Hey, it's not my fault another easily
avoidable misunderstanding has led to an all out war. Besides,
don't forget the years of sleepless night our daughter has given us
too. Ah, precious insomnia," I replied.
"You know, it's almost like we've
stumbled into a completely unnecessary chapter in our lives. Hell,
make that an entire book that seems to exist only to cause more
"Hey, why don't we just video chat with
the Vultures and show them our daughter isn't some hell spawn bent
on world destruction?"
"Nella, now is not the time for
rational thought. We must instead unite totally random vampire
clans to fend off the royally pissed off Italians."
"But doesn't that seem like we're just
wasting time before we inevitably walk into the sunset together
"Honey, you forget we have to introduce
a whole slew of new characters and form the biggest hack sack
circle in the universe."
"You're right. Because when you're
immortal, there's nothing better than a nice game of hacky sack.
This is going to be so much fun."
While the Vultures prepared to kill
every vampire in their way, the fang convention was in full swing
in Sporks. T-shirts were printed, bands played, and designer blood
was chugged. It was the most fun you could have before an impending
slaughter. Eventually the full fanged rager had to come to an end
though with the final showdown at hand.
"Damn, we are so going to kill you,"
the Vulture leader said.
"Is it too late to say this is all one
big misunderstanding?" Hunky asked.
"Nice try, douche magoosh. This
kill-a-thon is going to happen, and there's nothing you can do to
"Wow. That sounds kind of
anti-climactic. You do realize how many times I've cheated death so
far, right?" I asked.
"Just hand over the kid already. We
have a lot of murdering to do today and not a whole lot of time to
enjoy it," the Vulture leader insisted.
"Whoa whoa whoa. Not so quick with the
death and dismemberment," a member of the O'Buzzkill clan said,
with a surprise visitor. "I have just the intellectual proof we
need to end this war non violently."
The Vulture Leader stomped his foot in
a hissy fit. "Damn it, why do I get the feeling I'm not going to
get to brutally kill someone today?"
"Meet Fang McSavesourasses from the
neighboring town of Convenient Plot Point, Washington. He is half
human, half vampire, and has zero ambition to enslave the world.
Hell, the guy barely has any ambition at all. He just tokes up and
runs an alpaca farm."
"I can't believe it. I just flew seven
thousand miles in coach next to a manboobed tourist with epic body
odor. Someone is so getting executed," the Vulture Leader
"How about the vampire responsible for
this big time mix up?" I suggested.
"Ah, why not?" the Vulture Leader
replied. "But before I get to the main course, I just have to ask,
do you have any pigs in blankets? The food on the plane
"Well, we managed to talk our way out
of certain death," I said, walking into the sunset with
"I know, right? That was pretty boring
of an ending," Hunky remarked.
"Maybe I should shamelessly put my life
on the line so we can have another unnecessary adventure," I
"Nah. I think that was unnecessary
enough as it is. Besides, people can put up with only so much
"Not when there's hunky vampires
"Oh, right. In that case, what
ridiculous shenanigans should we get ourselves into next?" Hunky
"I'm sure we'll think of come up with
something overwrought," I replied. "But in the meantime, let's