Fierce Pajamas: An Anthology of Humor Writing from The New Yorker

FIERCE
PAJAMAS

AN ANTHOLOGY OF HUMOR WRITING
FROM
THE NEW YORKER

EDITED BY DAVID REMNICK
AND HENRY FINDER

RANDOM HOUSE | NEW YORK

CONTENTS

Title Page

Dedication

Introduction

SPOOFS

Death in the Rumble Seat /
Wolcott Gibbs

Dusk in Fierce Pajamas /
E. B. White

Across the Street and into the Grill /
E. B. White

On the Sidewalk /
John Updike

Save My Seat /
Mike Nichols

Hassidic Tales, With a Guide to Their Interpretation by the Noted Scholar /
Woody Allen

The Ultimate Diary /
Howard Moss

The Analytic Napkin /
Marshall Brickman

Who’s Who in the Cast /
Marshall Brickman

Health Department Lists Restaurant Violations /
Daniel Menaker

The Delts of Venus /
Charles McGrath

Notes from the Edge Conference /
Roy Blount, Jr.

LGA-ORD /
Ian Frazier

Love Trouble Is My Business /
Veronica Geng

In the New Canada, Living Is a Way of Life /
Bruce McCall

Corrections /
Calvin Trillin

Stardate 12:00 12:00 12:00 /
Christopher Buckley

Glengarry Glen Plaid /
Frank Cammuso and Hart Seely

Gum /
Scott Gutterman

What We Talk About When We Talk About Doughnuts /
Michael Gerber and Jonathan Schwarz

Teen Times /
Paul Rudnick

THE FRENZY OF RENOWN

Press Agents I Have Known /
Groucho Marx

The Greatest Man in the World /
James Thurber

The Interview /
James Thurber

Let’s Hear It for a Beautiful Guy /
Bruce Jay Friedman

The King of Jazz /
Donald Barthelme

My Mao /
Veronica Geng

Our Side of the Story /
Veronica Geng

Do You Know Me? /
George W. S. Trow

Gandhi at the Bat /
Chet Williamson

Igor Stravinsky: The Selected Phone Calls /
Ian Frazier

We Are Still Married /
Garrison Keillor

Meeting Famous People /
Garrison Keillor

Yo, Poe /
Frank Gannon

My Life: A Series of Privately Funded Performance-Art Pieces /
Susan Orlean

The A-List E-List /
David Brooks

THE WAR BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN

Mr. Preble Gets Rid of His Wife /
James Thurber

A Couple of Hamburgers /
James Thurber

Forever Panting /
Peter De Vries

The Kugelmass Episode /
Woody Allen

Partners /
Veronica Geng

My Married Life: The Whole Truth Thus Far /
Mark Singer

Life Without Leann /
Larry Doyle

Zeus the Lutheran /
Garrison Keillor

The Very Comical Lament of Pyramus and Thisbe /
Susan Sontag

Off-Ramp /
Polly Frost

Blown Away /
Lisa Walker

Here’s a Really Great Idea /
David Owen

THE WRITING LIFE

A Short Autobiography /
F. Scott Fitzgerald

The Cliché Expert Takes the Stand /
Frank Sullivan

The Cliché Expert Tells All /
Frank Sullivan

How to Achieve Success as a Writer /
Ruth Suckow

The Rather Difficult Case of Mr. K
A
P
L
A
N /
Leonard Q. Ross

The Notebooks of James Thurber /
James Thurber

Are We Losing the Novel Race? /
Michael J. Arlen

Roland Magruder, Freelance Writer /
Calvin Trillin

Contemporary Writers VI: An Interview with Grip Sands /
Philip Hamburger

In the Dough /
Roger Angell

Selections from the Allen Notebooks /
Woody Allen

I Cover Carter /
George W. S. Trow

Notes on My Conversations /
Polly Frost

Writing Is Easy! /
Steve Martin

Drivel /
Steve Martin

Emily Dickinson, Jerk of Amherst /
Andy Borowitz

A FUNNY THING HAPPENED

The People Who Had the House Before /
Robert Benchley

The Catastrophe /
William Shawn

The Secret Life of Walter Mitty /
James Thurber

I Am Not Now, Nor Have I Ever Been, a Matrix of Lean Meat /
S. J. Perelman

Eine Kleine Mothmusik /
S. J. Perelman

Monomania, You and Me Is Quits /
S. J. Perelman

Pnin /
Vladimir Nabokov

Annoy Kaufman, Inc. /
George S. Kaufman

The Last Repository /
H. F. Ellis

YMA Dream /
Thomas Meehan

Ainmosni /
Roger Angell

The High Ground, or Look, Ma, I’m Explicating /
Peter De Vries

Apartment 6-A: After the Fall /
Ian Frazier

Spill /
George W. S. Trow

Hearing from Wayne /
Bill Franzen

Stunned /
Jack Handey

He Didn’t Go to Canada /
Garrison Keillor

Post-Euphoria /
Veronica Geng

Keith Richards’ Desert-Island Disks /
Noah Baumbach

WORDS OF ADVICE

How to Be Obscene /
Upton Sinclair

Filling That Hiatus /
Robert Benchley

It’s Fun to Be Fooled . . . It’s More Fun to Know /
Robert Benchley

Why We Laugh—or Do We? /
Robert Benchley

Insert Flap “A” and Throw Away /
S. J. Perelman

How to Eat an Ice-Cream Cone /
L. Rust Hills

Teaching Poetry Writing to Singles /
Veronica Geng

Dating Your Mom /
Ian Frazier

A Reading List for Young Writers /
Ian Frazier

How I Write My Songs /
Donald Barthelme

Save Our Bus Herds! /
Cathleen Schine

Three Great Meals /
William White

Read This First /
Bruce McCall

Take It from Me /
Nancy Franklin

Changes in the Memory After Fifty /
Steve Martin

The Hundred Greatest Books That I’ve Read /
Steve Martin

Reintroducing Me to My Habitat /
Jack Handey

Thank You for Stopping /
Jack Handey

Homework: A Parent’s Guide /
Christopher Buckley

What Happened to My Money? /
David Owen

RECOLLECTIONS
AND REFLECTIONS

On Taxi Drivers /
Alexander Woollcott

Father Isn’t Much Help /
Clarence Day

The Night the Ghost Got In /
James Thurber

Ring Out, Wild Bells /
Wolcott Gibbs

The Ballet Visits the Splendide’s Magician /
Ludwig Bemelmans

Cloudland Revisited: Why, Doctor, What Big Green Eyes You Have! /
S. J. Perelman

Thoughts on Radio-Televese /
John Lardner

The Musical Husbands /
Adam Gopnik

Listening to Bourbon /
Louis Menand

Look Back in Hunger /
Anthony Lane

Tennis Personalities /
Martin Amis

Car Talk /
John Updike

VERSE

Critic /
E. B. White

Song to Be Disregarded /
E. B. White

To a Perfumed Lady at the Concert /
E. B. White

Song of the Queen Bee /
E. B. White

Rhyme of an Involuntary Violet /
Dorothy Parker

Fulfilment /
Dorothy Parker

Bohemia /
Dorothy Parker

Mother’s Home Again! /
Don Marquis

Melancholy Reflections After a Lost Argument /
Phyllis McGinley

The Seven Ages of a Newspaper Subscriber /
Phyllis McGinley

Incident in the Afternoon /
Phyllis McGinley

Procrastination Is All of the Time /
Ogden Nash