Fever (14 page)
ELLA
I forgot reality as I walked home with Cole. It didn't even enter my mind until my feet hit Hyde Park. It was like we'd walked straight into Awkward-ville and our conversation puttered to a stop. Life somehow caught up with me, and I was faced with the truth. No matter how much talking we did, I wouldn't be the one to help Cole build his dreams. That task belonged to another girl
; one who wasn't me.
The idea put me in a foul mood, and I spent the rest of the day in my room studying under a rainstorm. David called
, all hyper, after the game, asking me to join him for post-match drinks, but I declined, saying I was too tired. I wasn't, but ended up going to bed stupidly early and trying to read. It didn't work, and I spent most of the night in a wallowing stupor.
David was busy studying all day Sunday
—what else was new—so I geared up for another lonely day until I noticed Morgan sitting on the couch in her pajamas.
“No Brad today?” I stopped short on my way to the shower.
“Nah.” She wouldn't look up from her book.
My eyes narrowed and I snuck around the couch and plopped down next to her.
“What's up?”
“Nothing.” She shrugged, flicking the page of her magazine and pulling it close to her face so she could study Anna Kendrick's tan-colored heels. “You know, I think they're being way harsh. She looks hot in that dress and check out those shoes.” Morgan pushed the magazine under my nose, but I kept my gaze on her.
“What's up?”
Morgan dropped the magazine with a sigh. “Brad wanted me to sleep over again, and he got all pissy when I declined.”
“Why?”
“Because I think he wants to take things up a notch?”
“Why did you decline?”
“Because I feel like we're practically living together, and that's not how I want to spend my senior year.”
My eyes narrowed as I studied her. “He's falling in love with you and you're not falling in love with him.”
Her sigh was slow and heavy. “We only ever said that this was a college thing. He's from Nebraska, and I don't want to live there. He's got his heart set on moving back home and getting a job near his amazing family, and I...I don't want that.”
“So, did you talk about it?”
“Yeah,” Morgan flicked the magazine to the floor. “He gets it, but he's annoyed and said maybe we should just break up now rather than stringing things along.”
“What do you want to do?”
“I want
to keep having fun with him. He's a great guy and he's fun to be around. I guess I don't want to hurt him, which is why I thought it was better to be upfront and honest about how I was feeling.”
Man, she was so much braver than me. I seemed to be staying silent for the exact same reasons. Which was worse?
Wanting to be supportive, I squeezed her shoulder. “You did the right thing.”
“Then why do I feel like shit?”
I stuck out my bottom lip, mimicking her pout. “We need a hit of Jo-Jo.”
Morgan grinned. “Yeah, we really do.”
Jumping from the couch, I grabbed my computer and opened the lid. A few seconds later Jody's Skype phone was ringing.
“Hello, you crazy biatch, why are you calling me this early?”
“Because we missed you.” Morgan and I squished our smiling faces up to the screen and Jody grinned.
“If I didn't love you so much, I'd hate you right now.” She groaned, sitting up and holding her phone up so we could see her clearly. She yawned loudly and then scratched her manic curls. “What are we talking about?”
“Morgan and Brad's failing relationship. Ow!” I rubbed my arm after Morgan's swift punch.
“Would you stop
? It's not failing, we just had a little visit to Honest Town last night. It causes friction.”
“Morgs, Brad is so into you and the sex is like super
-hot, right? He'll come around.”
“Yeah, I just feel bad. I don't like hurting him and I can see that I am.”
“He's a tough guy, he can take a hit. Besides, it's better that you're open and honest than stringing him along. That'd be crushing.”
I swallowed and picked at my nails as the sisters chatted.
“Maybe he's right and we should break up rather than just going along with this farce. I have no intention of marrying him. I guess it's just nice to have someone around.”
“Being single is not all bad, you know.” Jody's head tipped to the side.
“You're, like, the busiest person on the planet. You don't even have time for a guy anyway.”
“I know, but I'm just saying. You shouldn't be afraid to be alone.”
“You know I'm not, which is why I'm seriously considering what Brad said. Maybe we should end it.”
“But Brad's so nice.” I had to interject. I was such a romantic
, and breaking up always gave me the willies.
“He is
, and like Jody said, the sex is...mmmmm.” Morgan licked her upper lip and lightly bit down on her tongue.
I grimaced and slapped her arm. “Gross.”
“Oh please, like you can talk, Ella Simmons. You've totally been getting it on with David.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Last Saturday morning. A little love-fest in David's room.”
“Oooo - tell me more!” Jody leaned toward the camera.
“I don't...” I frowned, feeling my blood run cold. How the hell did Morgan know about that?
She squeezed my arm. “Why do you think Cole wanted to borrow my noise
-canceling headphones?” My mouth went dry while Morgan tittered. “He heard you guys going for it, and he said it was kind of off-putting. I didn't think David got you hot like that.”
He didn't.
I slumped back against the couch. “It wasn't him who got me hot.”
The girls both gasped in unison, making me freeze. Did I just say that out loud? Kill me now.
I looked at their goldfish expressions and covered my face with my hands.
“Was it Cole?” Morgan asked.
“No!” My head shot up. I glared at Morgan.
“What?”
“We're just friends.” My heart was slamming so hard into my chest, I thought it might bounce onto the coffee table.
“Okay.” Morgan didn't believe me.
“I—”
“So, who's getting you all steamed up then?” I looked to Jody. Her eyebrow was quirked high, ready for the gossip and I knew I had to spill. With a soft groan, I ran two hands through my hair. “A guy in the shower.”
“What?” They both practically screeched the word, and I had to raise my hands just to get them to shut up.
“It's not like that. My first day here, I went and had a shower and started singing, and he joined in from the other side of the wall.”
“What were you singing?” Jody's eyes were bright fairy lights.
“A little Ella Fitz and some Louis Armstrong.”
“Oh my gosh, and he knew it!”
“Yeah, like perfectly. We sung ‘Cheek to Cheek’ and then went straight into ‘Can't Take That Away From Me.’”
“No way, he's like your destiny.”
“He's not my destiny, Jody. He's just some guy with a really...sexy voice that... that...”
“Gives you fever,” Jody sang for me.
I looked at her, my forehead wrinkling. “Yeah.”
Morgan's smile was on full beam as she wrapped her arm around my shoulders. “Ella Bella likes a new fella.” She giggled. “You have to find him.”
“I can't! Come on, you guys, I'm with David! I already feel guilty enough that I was fantasizing about the mystery man while I was having sex with my boyfriend. This is bad! I have to get him out of my head!”
The girls' silence was unnerving. I looked between them.
“I do. I can't pursue this. David is... David's a good guy.”
“Yes, he is.” Jody nodded.
“But he isn't the only man you ever have to be in love with,” Morgan spoke softly.
I clenched my teeth and breathed in through my nose. “He's my boyfriend, Morgan. He's got plans. He wants to get married. It's all mapped out.”
“
He's
got plans.
He
wants to get married. Shouldn't you be saying
we
in those sentences?”
I hated Morgan for challenging me on this, but I couldn't look away from her tender expression.
“He's been good to me. He says he'll be lost without me. I make him happy and he deserves my loyalty,” I whispered. “I might never find shower guy. Or he might be a horrible person who just happens to have a great singing voice.”
“Or he might be the perfect match for you.” Jody's eyes were still dancing, her hope making me want to believe her.
“That's not the point, Jody. I might never find him. This campus is huge; there are thousands of people here. I'm not about to start searching for something that is just this implausible, romantic dream.”
“But you love romance.”
“I am practical enough to know it only exists in movies.”
“No you're not. You want it. You've just been settling.”
“David is not settling.” I pointed at the screen. “He’s a good catch.”
“We're not denying that, Ella.” Morgan rubbed my shoulder. “But is he the best catch for you? That's all we're saying.”
I pulled away from her.
“You have to admit that it's kind of creepy to be dreaming about another guy when you're with David,” Jody said.
I threw my hands in the air with a huff. “What, so I just break up with him on the off-chance I might meet shower guy?”
“No, you break up with him because he's not right for you anymore.”
“He's fine for me. I mean, sure, he doesn't physically affect me like shower guy, but a good relationship should not be based on sex.”
“True.” Morgan nodded. “It should be based on two people who love each other and want the same things out of life.” Her smile faltered. “Which is why I should probably be breaking up with Brad.”
My face bunched with sympathy. I squeezed Morgan's shoulder. “You don't have to do that. You love him.”
“I do. I really care about him, but we're not heading in the same direction.” She shrugged and then looked me square in the face. “Just like you and David.”
My eyes filled with tears. I slashed them away as they fell, my voice wobbling. “Morgan, you do what feels right for you, and I'll do what's right for me.” I sniffed. “David's a good guy.”
“You said that,” Jody mumbled.
“His direction is my direction. He can make me...he's a good person.” I pointed between them, hating their sad smiles.
“It's okay to be on your own, Ella.” Morgan captured my hand in hers.
“It's not...That's not what...”
“Sweetie, you need to stop being so afraid of your own company. Being alone will not kill you.”
I licked a tear running past my mouth. “It nearly did, Morgan. I don't ever want to be that fifteen-year-old kid again. You have no idea how terrified I was. You and Jody...and
David
kept me sane. I can't just walk away from that.”
“You're a different person now.” She squeezed my hands. “You've grown up. You've changed.”
“Ella.” Jody captured my attention, forcing me to look at the screen. “You don't owe any of us anything, but you do owe it to yourself to figure out what you want and then go after that thing.”
I nodded with a weak smile, appreciating her words, but she still didn't get it. She was motivated, driven by the bright lights of Broadway. She'd make it one day too
; I could already see her billboard at Times Square. But I wasn't like that. I didn't have the drive and determination of these two women. All I wanted was to never feel as vulnerable as I did waiting in that police station for a social worker to come and collect me.
I wanted safety and David gave me that.
An image of Cole flashed through my mind, and I squeezed my eyes shut.
That could never be an option.