Fearless (17 page)

“Reins, Jordan. Even them out,” Wayward told me. And then I realized I was pulling too tight on the inside rein, and that was making me steer him in a weird direction.

Of course I was going to have another disastrous lesson today! It had to be today! After we'd had about ten or fifteen minutes of warm-up, Molly was ready to go.

“Good luck!” I yelled to her as she trotted away. Should I have told her to break a leg like they do when you're about to go onstage? But would that be bad luck?

It didn't matter what I said to her. Molly took off at a trot across the ring, headed straight for the crossrail.

“She's a little off center,” Amber noticed.

“Yeah, she is,” I said.

We could see Molly pulling gently on the reins so that Merlin would be more centered. It did help some, but as they made the approach, they were still a little off.

As Merlin leaped over the crossrail, his inside hind leg just grazed one of the poles, but it didn't knock it down. They landed smoothly, and Molly stayed in
two-point a few strides before sitting down in the saddle. She held the reins in one hand so she could
pump her fist in the air.

I sighed with relief. “She did it. Good job.”

We could see Wayward talking to her, and Molly kept nodding her head. Then she did the jump two more times. Both times she was centered perfectly, and Merlin cleared the crossrail easily.

When Molly trotted back over to where Amber and I had been watching, she was the happiest I'd ever seen her. “That was awesome! It's so much fun! I hope I can do it again after you've had your turns!”

“You looked great out there,” I told her.

“Thanks. Now it's your turn. It's really easy. Don't be scared.”

“Okay,” I said, taking a deep breath, but adrenaline was pumping through my body, making me feel like I'd just been plugged into an electric outlet.

“Let's just get this over with,” I whispered to Odie as we began trotting. We started the approach to the crossrail, but I immediately realized we were too far to the right of the jump, which put us way off center. If we kept going like this, Odie wouldn't be jumping anywhere near the lowest point where the two poles crossed each other.

I tightened my inside rein to try to correct that, but now we were too far to the left. For an instant I thought
we should just go ahead, make the jump.

But then I changed my mind. I tightened the inside rein to turn Odie away from the jump completely.

I could feel everyone's eyes on me. “It's okay,” I called. “Let me try it again.”

I wasn't even sure if anyone could hear me. This was so embarrassing! Was my bright red face going to show up on the video?

I swung Odie around in a wide circle, and we trotted back toward the jump for my second attempt. But now Odie was too slow. “Trot,” I told him, but he was barely above a walk. We were heading straight for the crossrail, but we weren't going fast enough. We'd never get over it! What was he doing?

“Trot, Odie,” I said again, squeezing his sides with my legs. He sped up a little, but then he turned to the inside and went right past the crossrail.

Wayward was standing just beyond the jump, and we trotted over to her. “I didn't do it this time!” I wailed at her. “The first time we weren't centered, but this time he ran out of the jump!” Tears welled up in my eyes, and I hated the way my own voice sounded.

“I know. I saw it.” She patted Odie's neck. “He's being a little obnoxious today. He can tell how nervous you are. I think now he's afraid to trust you.”

I wanted to tell Wayward that I couldn't help being nervous, but I knew I wouldn't even be able to get the words out. I could feel my throat tightening up, and I kept my head down so Wayward couldn't see my eyes.

“Whatever you feel like doing, Jordan. You want to try the jump after Amber has a turn? Or we can always do it later. Tomorrow. Or Friday.”

All my friends were watching. Maddy was thinking,
I knew she'd never do it
. Molly was probably feeling so sad for me. And Eda had gotten all of it on video. Me barely able to control my horse. My two failed attempts. And now me with my head down, shoulders slumped. The picture of a failure.

In one quick movement, I swung my leg over Odie's back and slid out of the saddle. I tossed the reins over his head. Hopefully Wayward grabbed them, but I didn't stop to see.

“Jordan, hang on a second,” Wayward called to me, but I was already walking away, walking across the ring, glad that at least my riding helmet shielded my face a little, staring straight at the ground, avoiding the dried clumps of manure, walking, walking, walking. Away.

I heard footsteps running up to me, but I didn't lift my head. “Hey, Jordie. It's okay. Don't worry about it.” Maddy's voice. An arm reaching out for me, but I pulled
away. “Come on, Jordie. Don't get upset.”

I felt like a dam about to burst. I clenched my neck muscles to hold the sobs inside me.
Eda, are you getting all this? The worst moment of my life.

I was at the fence, and I ducked down to squeeze between the rails, and now at least I was out of the ring. Walking, walking, walking. Past the oak tree, turning the corner at the stables, and then on the dirt road back into camp.

As soon as I made it to the road, I started running. And I didn't stop.

I was in the one place I was sure I could be alone: the shower. I'd locked the stall door and had the water on full blast. I cried and cried and cried, so glad that the sound of the water splattering against the cement floor helped to drown out my sobs.

I stood there in the stall with the water pouring over me and had a complete and total meltdown. It was just like the summer when I was ten, when I hadn't wanted to go to camp in the first place. I thought I'd outgrown breakdowns like this, but I guess not.

I turned my face up to the showerhead and let the hot water wash over me. I felt like the water pouring all around me and forming puddles at my feet was made up of all the tears that I'd cried.

I just couldn't do it. I couldn't do it. Everybody else could do it, but I couldn't. I choked.

My whole body was shaking, and my sobs were so loud, I worried that someone walking by outside the showers might hear me. But I couldn't stop myself.

Everyone was right about me. Mama doubting me from the moment I first said I wanted to try jumping this summer. Madison giving me that look in the car.
I don't know, Jordan.
Molly predicting that I'd back out of the audition—she'd at least believed that I would go through with the jump today.

I leaned against the wall and cried even louder. My hair was hanging down in my eyes in wet strands, and I couldn't stop shaking. The water was starting to get cooler. Pretty soon I'd be all out of hot water.

I was never going to be daring, or confident, or adventurous. It just wasn't me. I was always going to wimp out. I could never be fearless. I just couldn't do it.

Now my cries had turned into little whimpers, and I was thinking all kinds of crazy thoughts. Like I wanted to stay in here until Saturday when camp ended. Or maybe I'd get dressed and walk down the road past the stables and just keep walking out of camp. I could walk as far away as my legs could take me.

I didn't want to see anyone. I didn't want to talk to
anyone. I just wanted to be by myself, far away from everyone.

Or maybe I should go to the camp office right now and call Eric's cell phone. I could ask him to come and get me. Just come pick me up and take me away from here. He wouldn't ask me a lot of questions and fuss over me like Mama would.

If only I could be home right now. In my own room, with the door closed.

But if I came home early, Mama would be on the phone to Daddy, telling him about how I didn't even make it through the whole camp session this year. This summer, I hadn't even managed to survive. Thinking about that just made me cry even harder.

I'm such a failure. I'm such a failure.

“I'm sick,” I said. My voice sounded all scratchy. Probably from crying so hard.

“I'm sorry to hear that. What's the problem?”

I was sitting in the wooden chair in the nurse's office. I was hoping this was one place I could go where everyone would leave me alone.

“Well, I've been throwing up,” I lied. “Twice. And I just feel terrible.”

Nurse Linda stood with her arms crossed, looking at me very closely. “Your eyes look a little bloodshot. Have you maybe been crying?” she asked gently.

I nodded, feeling like I could start up again at any second. I focused on the doctor's scales next to me so I wouldn't have to look at her. I pretended to be really
interested in the weights that slid back and forth across the bar on the top.

She paused for a long time, waiting for me to say something else. Maybe tell her why I'd been crying. But I didn't feel like giving Nurse Linda my life story at the moment.

“Well, let's take your temperature.”

She took a thermometer out of a drawer and put a cover on it, then stuck it under my tongue. We both waited for the beep.

“You don't have a fever,” she said in an
I knew you were faking it
kind of voice.

Look, lady, I can't raise my temperature at will, but if you want to see some regurgitation, I'm the girl to
do it.

“My stomach feels really weird. I might need to throw up again.”

She turned around and opened a cabinet. Then she pulled out a little pink plastic basin and handed it to me.

“Thanks,” I said in a really weak voice. “I feel like I want to lie down.”

“Okay. Why don't you come and rest in the infirmary?” she suggested, so she took me through the door of her office into another room with several cots in it.

I was surprised to see Nicole Grimsley inside, lying in one of the beds with a bunch of magazines spread out in front of her.

“You're going to have company,” Nurse Linda told Nicole, but she led me to the cot at the opposite end of the room from her. Maybe in case we were both contagious. I pulled the clean sheets back and laid down, still holding the little basin in one hand.

She looked at both of us. “Let me know if you need me for anything.”

Once she'd left us alone, Nicole sat straight up in bed. “Hey, Jordan. Are you really sick?”

I lay back in bed and stared up at the ceiling. “Yeah. Aren't you?”

Nicole laughed a little. “I guess not. She's kicking me out soon. You can stay one night, but if you don't have a fever, she'll make you leave. Want a magazine?”

“No thanks.” I'd really hoped to be alone in here. I didn't want to have to carry on a conversation with Nicole, so I rolled over on my side and faced the wall. And surprisingly, in a few minutes I'd fallen asleep. All that crying must have exhausted me.

I was really relieved when Nicole packed up and left late in the afternoon. I hoped no other sick people would come in here and bother me. Could I stay here
till Friday? It was only two more days. And then Saturday, we'd be going home.

Sometime before dinner, the nurse came in with Madison behind her. “Feel like having a little company?” she asked me.

What could I say? No. Go away. I don't feel like talking to anyone.

“I guess so.” I should've known Madison would track me down in here. She was the last person I wanted to see right now. I did not want a lecture about how I just needed to do the jump without thinking about it.

The nurse left us alone, and I waited for Madison to accuse me of faking it and hiding out in the infirmary so I wouldn't have to face my horrible life, but she kept quiet.

Finally I said, “What's wrong? You look so sad.”

“I am sad. It was so hard for me to watch you this morning, knowing how much pressure you were under.” She sat on the edge of the bed and patted my legs, which were buried under the sheets.

“You've worked so hard all summer at riding. And I know you felt like it was the end of the world when you didn't make the jump today. But you know what? It doesn't matter.”