Fatty Patty (A James Bay Novel) (28 page)

He shrugs. “Maybe he lied on his résumé. I wouldn’t put it past the guy.”

Suddenly the room feels hot. When did the bowling alley get so noisy? Kids shriek, people laugh, bowling pins crash to the floor. My head pounds and the vein above my right eye throbs. I grind it hard with the heel of my hand.

“Patty? Are you okay?” Sam’s words sound far away.

I sink into a chair, gulp deep breaths, fight the urge to vomit. Am I okay? Things will never be okay again. What if everything Sam said is true? What if Nick really did teach in Arizona? What if he was fired? What if he lied on his résumé?

How would I know?

But it can’t be true. It simply can’t be. Nick is good with the kids. He’s good with me. He’s been nominated for First-Year Teacher of the Year Award. Someone would have checked his credentials. They have rules about these sorts of things. Besides, how would Sam know? He’s an accountant, he’s not in education.

And he doesn’t like Nick. I’ve known that from the start.

Lies, all lies. Sam fed himself pizza and he fed me lies.

“Look, Patty, I know it’s rough, hearing it like this. I know how you feel about the guy. You’ve made it pretty clear. I know—”

“You don’t know anything, Sam Curtis. And you certainly don’t know how I feel about Nick.” I fumble to untie the ugly bowling shoes, yank them off my feet, grab my boots. “I want to go home.”

“Come on, Patty, please don’t be like this. I know you’re upset.” He eyes me uncertainly. “It’s New Year’s Eve. It’s not even midnight.”

“I don’t care what time it is.” I jam my feet in my boots, grab my coat and purse. “I’m going home. Will you take me, or do I call a cab?”

He blows out a long sigh, shakes his head. “I’ll drive you.” He sinks into his chair and slowly begins unlacing his shoes.

“I’ll be outside.” I whirl and leave him sitting alone.

# # #

We make the drive home in silence, me huddled against the passenger door. The car heater works fine, but the chill that’s settled in my heart feels colder than the three-foot snow banks piled along the side streets. No matter what he says, no matter how hard Sam tries, things will never be the same between us again.

We pull into the empty driveway. “Can’t we talk about this?” he asks as I fumble with my seatbelt.

“You’ve done enough talking for one night.” I hate the way my voice sounds, icy like the sidewalk glistening under the street light, but I’m helpless to stop myself. What Sam said about Nick was hurtful, and cruel, and I want to hurt him back. I hate him. I’ve never hated anyone so much in my life.

Sam catches my arm as I reach for the door. “You’re overreacting—”

I glare at him. “Take your hands off me.”

“Please, Patty, just listen to me,” he pleads.

My chin tilts higher. “I’m done listening.”

“This changed things, didn’t it?” His breath hangs in the frosty air between us. “What I said about him tonight.”

“Of course it changed things. It changed everything. Did you think it wouldn’t?”

“Then I’m sorry I told you. I should have kept my mouth shut.”

“It’s a little late for that,” I spit back. “What kind of man are you, anyway? What kind of a man accuses someone of something like you did tonight? You said some terrible things about Nick… and he wasn’t even there to defend himself.”

“Sounds like you’re doing a pretty good job.” His eyes never leave me.

“Someone has to,” I shoot back. “The things you said could destroy Nick’s reputation. Is that what you want? Is that what you’ve been doing? Biding your time, waiting for the perfect opportunity?”

“Why would I do that?” His brow wrinkles in the green glow from the dashboard.

“Because you’re jealous,” I spit back. “You’re jealous of Nick and you always have been.”

The rattle from the fan’s heater is the only sound between us, but the blast of hot air does nothing to ease the chill gathering in my heart. I refuse to back down. Let Sam deal with the pain. Let him see how it feels. Let him hurt, just like I hurt.

“You want the truth? Fine… here’s the truth. I
am
jealous.” His voice ices over with a hard edge. “I’m jealous of whatever kind of hold that guy has on you. I hate seeing how you light up when he’s around. I want you to see him for the man he is. He’s a liar, Patty. A liar. A cheat. A coward. That’s the kind of man you’ve been dealing with all year. God knows I wish I’d made those things up. At least then, I could take them back. I would if I could. Because I never meant to hurt you. Not intentionally.”

“I don’t believe you.” I bite out the words, raging against every instinct screaming at me to believe what he’s saying. Sam is someone I’ve come to know and trust. A man who’s kept me laughing during our Friday night dinners. A man who’s steered me on a steady course through my financial mess. A man who made me melt with desire earlier tonight when we kissed.

A man who accused me of being stupid… of letting myself be sweet-talked and duped by a used-car salesman.

“I didn’t say those things to hurt you,” he quietly insists.

“Then why did you say them?”

“Why?” His voice twists in bewilderment. “Because I’m in love with you, that’s why. Haven’t you figured that out by now?”

Suddenly the car is too close, too hot. So hot I can’t breathe. I have to get out now before everything explodes inside my head and my heart. I grab the door handle and push.

“Patty, wait!” He grabs my coat sleeve. “You had to know how I feel about you…”

Damn him! I swallow hard, blink back the hot tears. Damn him for making this so hard. If Sam thinks I’ll give him the satisfaction of seeing me cry, then he’s got another think coming. I refuse to cry in front of him. I will not cry. I won’t.

“I’ve been in love with you since the day we met. Remember? You wore that pink bathing suit and were hanging on for dear life to the edge of the pool.”

I fight against the memory of that afternoon I started swimming laps. Priscilla had been there, cheering me on from the sidelines. And Sam was in the next lane, a willing champion from day one.

What’s happening to me? Am I losing them both?

His hand tightens on my coat. “I won’t kid you, Patty. I’m the type of guy who’s content to go with the flow and to let things be. Maybe that’s how I ended up nearly forty years old with no wife, no kids. But being away from you at Christmas gave me time to think. Nothing seemed right when I was out in Arizona. Maybe it was being with Eileen, seeing how happy she is with John and the kids. It got me thinking about what’s been missing in my life. And that something is you.”

I shiver despite the warmth circulating in the Jeep. The heater is finally working great and Sam is generating heat himself. He reaches out, lightly touches my cheek. A shudder of sudden desire courses through my body.

“I want what Eileen’s got,” he says softly. “I want someone to share things with at the end of the day. Someone who cares about me. Isn’t that what all of us are searching for in some way? Someone who loves us and someone we can love? That’s what I want, Patty. And I want it with you.”

How can he do it? Speak so eloquently to my heart’s desire, yet crush my hopes in a single breath? I shiver as his finger slowly trails the curve of my cheek, ending under my chin. He tilts my head to meet his gaze.

“What makes you so sure that’s what I want?” I whisper.

“I don’t know.” His voice lingers in the hush of the car’s dark interior. “But I hope you do. You’re all I want, Patty. The entire package. I love you.”

“It can’t work. It won’t work. Don’t you understand?” My words come out in little burst, hanging like frosty mist between us. “It’s not right.

“Why not?” he presses.

“Because… because it can’t. It just won’t.” I feel torn, confused. How can I give voice to something I myself barely understand?

“It’s Nick, isn’t it? The bitterness in his voice slices through the darkness. “Are you in love with him?”

“I don’t know.” And as I hear the words tumble out of my mouth, I realize it’s the truth. I’m still furious with Sam about the accusations he’s made against Nick, but I don’t know how I feel about Nick… or Sam, either, for that matter. Other women make it look so easy, but what do I know about love? Is this the way love is supposed to feel? Breathless, aching with a want I can’t name? My head feels like it might explode and I’m afraid it will take my heart along with it. Being with Sam is as easy as donning a pair of comfortable jeans with elastic around the waist. There’s never any worry that things won’t fit. It works between us. It’s worked from the start.

Sam and I fit. We’ve always fit.

But what about clinging pants and tops that don’t allow for an extra inch? Some women dress like that every day, deliberately putting their bodies on view. They count calories and work out at the gym, ruthless and relentless in their determination to be the best and have the best. In life, and in men.

Women like Amy.

Men like Nick.

My heart yearns to see beyond the excess pounds, but my eyes won’t let me.

Bad enough I look the way I do.

“You’re a fine one to talk, Sam Curtis.” The words are out of my mouth before I can stop them. “When was the last time you took a good look in the mirror? Everything you do revolves around food. You should have seen yourself an hour ago, shoveling in that pizza. Do you realize I only had one piece? You might as well have eaten the whole thing yourself.”

The sudden stricken look on his face sickens me. I put it there. How can I be so cruel? Sam would never say these things to me. How did I end up so shallow and heartless? How low can I sink?

“So, the truth emerges.” His voice is low and guarded. “This isn’t about Nick at all. It’s about me and you. It’s always been about me and you. You don’t want to be with someone who’s fat. You don’t want to be with someone who looks like I do. You’re embarrassed about the way I look.”

“I didn’t say that,” I shoot back.

“You didn’t have to,” he says quietly. “Well, I’ve got news for you, Patty. If you think I’m going to apologize, you’re wrong. I’m happy with the way I am. If you ask me, I think you’re the one who’s got some issues. So instead of pointing a finger at me, maybe you should take a good look at yourself.”

“I know how I look… and I hate it.” I blink hard, trying to stop my tears. “All these awful freckles and this stupid frizzy hair. Don’t you dare get me started about being overweight. For months I’ve denied myself, watching people eat exactly what they want, indulging themselves in all the things I want and can’t have. I’ve tried so hard, and what has it got me? Nothing, I guess. Thanks a lot, Sam. Thanks for reminding me I’ll always be a lost cause. Thanks for reminding me how ugly I am.”

I swipe away the hot tears streaming down my cheeks, smearing my makeup. What a hell of a way to end the old year and ring in the new.

“I never said you were ugly.” His voice fills the darkness. “I think you’re beautiful. You’ll always be beautiful to me.”

He lays one hand on my shoulder but I pull away. “No more lies.”

“What makes you think I’m lying?”

“You’ve been doing it all night. Telling me I’m beautiful when we both know I’m not. And those things you said about Nick…” The icy rage filling me inside scares me in a way I’ve never felt before. My heart feels like it will never unthaw. “I’ll never forgive you for those things you said about him, Sam. Never.”

I yank off my gloves and fumble with the chain around my neck. Somehow I manage to undo the clasp. I shove the diamond pendant into his hand. “I don’t want this. Take it back.”

“Patty, please don’t. You’ve got this all turned around…”

Sam’s wrong. And no matter what he says, it won’t make things better. It will never be better. He’s not interested in changing. He’ll always be the same old Sam… the same guy with the big stomach I met at the pool. The last thing I want is to live my life smothered in a thick overcoat of love and resentment weighing seventy pounds.

“You say you care about me? How can that be true when it’s obvious you don’t even care about yourself? You don’t care what people think. You don’t care that you’re f—”

The F-word burns on my tongue and I catch myself in time, but the damage is done. It’s the worst possible insult, the one that hurts the most. I’ve heard it all my life and I almost hurled it at Sam.

I turn away and stare through the frost-speckled window at our house’s side yard. Everything seems tilted and crazy in a sickening, off-kilter sort of way. The snow-covered shrubbery looks like an alien moonscape rather than the hedges we prune every spring. I press my head against the window, relish the cold biting my forehead. I deserve it, every bit of it. I am cold and heartless. A bitch. An ice queen. I’ve done Sam a terrible wrong. “It’s better we don’t see each other any more.”

He blows out a hard breath. “If that’s what you want.”

Is that what I want?

Tell him you’re sorry. Say it now, quick, before it’s too late.

“Tax season starts soon,” he adds. “I’ll be busy, anyway. I won’t have time for you.”

But that’s not true. Sam isn’t like that. No matter how busy he is, he’d make time for me. I know that in my gut, with every part of my being. Sam would do anything for me.

Correction. Sam
would
have done anything for me. That’s all finished now.

“I think it’s better if one of my associates handles your account.” His voice fills the frigid vacuum between us. “Unless you’d prefer to hire another firm.”

“You already have my paperwork.” What does it matter who does our taxes? A cold bitter ache throbs inside me, like icicles curling themselves around my heart. I’ve ruined everything. Sam’s saying good-bye, letting me go. And I can’t say I blame him.

Right now, I hate me more than Sam ever could.

He reaches across me, opens the passenger door. “If you ever come to your senses about that guy, give me a call. You know where to find me.”

I slip from my seat into the frosty night air, stumble up the porch steps, fumble with my house keys. Church bells chime in the distance as his car pulls away, ringing in the New Year, mocking any hopes I had for a year filled with blessings or love.