Fat Assassins (32 page)

“Girls, say hello to Bobby ‘No Knuckles’ and Jimmy ‘Hotplate’.”

“Hello.” We said politely.

“So, is these yous problems?” Bobby asked Marcus.

“Yeah. We wuz just having a discussion about who hired them to kill me.” Bobby and Jimmy both gave us a once over and started laughing.

“It was Jesus.”

This made them both stop laughing.

“He orchestrated this whole deal. Why would he double cross you?”

“I don’t know. He can’t run the whole drug ring from Mexico. He needs an American partner.”

Bobby grabbed a sandwich from the plate. “Unless he’s found someone else who will take less of a cut? Nicolo?”

“Could be. I plan on getting rid of these two and seeing what Jesus has to say when he shows up.”

“That’s weird.”

“What?”

“I thought you wuz allergic to Basil.”

“I am.”

“Well, I ain’t no chef, but it sure tastes like this sandwich has Basil in it.” Bobby gave us a suspicious look.

Jimmy reached over and grabbed a sandwich off the plate and took a bite.

“Yeah. That’s definitely an onion and chive blend with a hint of basil.” We stared at him.

“What? I studied at Le Cordon Bleu for a year. Until a guy pissed me off and I stuck his face on a hot plate.”

“Well, it seems that I underestimated you two. You were seconds away from completing your mission.” Marcus turned back towards us with a new respect.

“You’re gonna pay for that.”

“You want us to kill ‘em, boss?” Jimmy seemed excited at the prospect.

“No. These two are mine. I’ve got a special plan for them and I need one of you two stay here and make it look like I’m in the house. I don’t want the FBI to get suspicious and come snooping around for the next couple of hours. It will take at least four hours for the girls to finish digging their grave.”

“What?!” Ulyssa protested.

“You’re gonna dig your own grave. Then I’m going to kill you.”

“But…but…” She struggled to find words.

Marcus ignored her and started giving out instructions. “Bobby, I need you to get a blowup doll out of the bedroom closet and put it in the passenger seat of the VW Bug out front. You’ll need to put on a wig - check the same closet - and drive the car away from here. I need the FBI to think that these two left on their own accord. Once you get far enough away find a way to get rid of the car and evidence.” He paused and grabbed a big bottle of water from the refrigerator.

“Jimmy, you’ll need to walk through the house occasionally turning lights on and off, so it looks like I’m spending a quiet night at home. I’ll be back before the Mexicans arrive.”

He looked at us. “They don’t look like they’re in very good shape, so if it takes a little longer stall ‘em until I get back. Keep an eye on them for a minute. I’m going to grab a couple shovels from the garage.” He stood up and left us alone with Jimmy and Bobby.

I tried to connect with them by making idle conversation. “Bobby, how did you get the name ‘no knuckles’?” He showed us the top of his hands. There were giant scars where his knuckles should have been. “I like to beat people to death with my fists. My knuckles became so shattered and scarred that people just started calling me ‘no knuckles’.”

“I wish I had a cool mafia name like that…”

“Haha. What’s yours guys names?”

“I’m Shasta and this is Ulyssa.”

“Who put the basil in the cheese?”

I pointed at Ulyssa and she gave me a shut-it look, but I felt like I was bonding with him. And maybe, just maybe he’d like us so much he wouldn’t let Marcus kill us.

“Well, she could be ‘Herbivore’ or ‘The Black Widow’.”

“Those names suck!” She protested.

“Yeah. They’re not really scary.” I added.

“I’d call you Medusa cause you got that crazy, curly hair.”

“Oh, I like that one. But it doesn’t sound good with my name. Shasta

‘Medusa’? It’s not as catchy as yours.”

“Your name won’t matter in a few hours.” Marcus walked back in the kitchen carrying his bottle of water, two shovels and a folding chair. “You girls ready to go for a walk?”

“It was very nice meeting you guys.”

We gave them a little wave as we each took a shovel from Marcus on our way out the kitchen door. We stepped onto an expansive deck that gave way to a large back yard framed by forest. We descended into the yard and waited for instructions.

“Walk straight into the woods for about a half-a-mile and then we’ll stop. That’ll be far enough into the woods that nobody will ever find your bodies.” He commanded. We used the shovels as walking sticks as we tramped through the dark forest. It didn’t take long for us to reach our destination. Marcus unfolded his chair and laid his bottle of water on the seat before walking over to a clearing and pacing off an area that was approximately 4 foot by 6 foot.

“That should be big enough for both of you. Now get to digging!” He walked over and sat back down on the chair, watching us work. The good news is the dirt was soft from recent rains, so it wasn’t too hard to shovel. The bad news is that it was easy to shovel.

Nothing in life can prepare you for a situation like this.

I was standing back to back with my best friend digging our grave.

We were digging really slow, but Marcus seemed to know what we were up to and kept hurling threats at us to speed it along. After two hours we’d dug a sizable hole. It was large enough that when we were standing upright it reached our chests. We must have been getting close to Marcus’s meeting time because he was getting increasingly antsy.

“Are you done?” Marcus said looming over the hole.

“My hands are killing me!” I complained showing him my bleeding palms.

“I don’t have time for this. The Mexicans will be here in a few hours and I need you two outta the way.” He demanded. “Keep digging!”

“I need some water!” Ulyssa stalled. “I’m dehydrated.”

“You’re gonna be dead in a few hours. Who gives a shit about dehydration?”

“Some cultures believe that your spirit in the afterlife is a replica of your earthly body during the last days. I don’t want to spend eternity dehydrated.” He rolled his eyes and threw his half empty water bottle into the hole.

“Ewwww. I don’t want to drink after you. Yuck.”

I was glad the grave was too shallow or I think he would have shot us right then and there.

He ignored her complaint and went back over to his folding chair.

We picked up the shovels and started digging deeper into the moist dirt. I felt my shovel clang against something metal. I kept digging around it and pulled it loose from the ground. It was shaped like a NERF football with a tail. Looks like it might have been part of a fancy lawn darts game or something. I tossed it over my shoulder towards Marcus, hoping it might knock him out. No such luck. It landed on it’s side a few feet from him. He was busy speaking Spanish on his phone and didn’t notice my weak attempt to bludgeon him from a distance using the equivalent of a five pound dumbbell. I started shoveling dirt again.

“I’m sorry I got you into this.”

“It’s not your fault.” I answered. “We just got mixed up with some bad men. In a twisted way, we’ve lived more in the past two weeks than we ever have.”

“That’s because we’ve almost gotten ourselves killed so many times.” We started laughing at our ridiculous situation.

“Hey! Less laughing and more digging!” Marcus yelled from his perch.

“You’re a great friend!” Ulyssa said.

“You too!”

We hugged each other.

“What the hell is wrong with you two? This ain’t a damn slumber party. DIG!”

We turned back to our shovels and he returned to his cell phone. This time it sounded like he was yelling at someone in Italian.

Clang. Clang. Ulyssa dug out another metal NERF object. “What is this?”

“I think it’s some rich person’s yard game or something. I just threw mine over there.” I pointed towards the chair and Ulyssa lobbed it over next to mine.

A few minutes later I unearthed another one, threw it over my shoulder and went back to digging. A booming shockwave knocked us onto our stomach and started raining dirt into the grave.

Ulyssa started screaming “We need more time! We’re big girls! The hole’s not big enough!”

We lay there shaking and waiting for the final shots to finish us off, but the bullets never came.

“I don’t want to move, just in case he thinks he already killed us.” She whispered. “If we pretend to be dead, maybe just he’ll go away.”

“Not likely.” I pointed to giant pile of dirt waiting to cover the hole. “He’ll bury us alive.”

We remained motionless for a few more seconds.

“Something’s wrong.” I edged over to the dirt wall and slowly raised my head like a meercat to look over at the chair. “What the ….”

“What?” My fellow meercat popped her head over the dirt. “JMJ! What happened?”

Marcus and the foldout chair had been replaced by a giant hole.

“Do you think he was hit my a meteor?”

“All I know is that our guardian angels are working overtime to keep us alive.”

“Let’s get outta here!” I started clawing my way out of the hole, but kept sliding back down. “This isn’t going to work.”

“Get on your knees. I’ll step on your back. Once I’m out, I’ll help pull you out.”

I dropped down to my knees and braced. She put one foot on my upper back and the second on my lower back. With a little bounce, she jumped high enough to lock her arms against the ground and pulled her lower body out of the hole.

I jumped up. “How are we going to do this?”

“Give me your hands.”

I pressed my chest into the dirt wall and extended my hands to her. She grasped my wrists and leaned back. I felt my chest dragging along the rough dirt as my feet left the ground. Bobbing flashlights moving at the edge of the woods caught her eyes. “Uh-oh! We need to hurry.”

I hung suspended while she shuffled her feet backwards for better leverage.

“Uuggghhhh.” She gave a final tug and fell backwards, pulling me further out of the hole. I swung my legs over the edge and staggered to my feet. We could hear distant voices closing in.

“We need to move.” She started moving away from the voices.

We stumbled through the woods for what seemed like an eternity before we reached the highway leading back to Nitro. We walked along the tree line so we could hightail it if one of Marcus’s men or the FBI showed up.

“Do you think we killed him?” I asked.

“If he was within three feet of that chair…he’s dead.”

“Do you feel guilty?”

“Nope. You?”

“No. I feel relieved to still be alive.”

“Me too.”

“Does that make us bad people?”

“I don’t think so. It was self-defense.” She was so logical. “But I don’t want to make a career of it, if that’s what you’re asking…..” She stopped walking.

Tall lights and the tinny sounds of Whitesnake reverberated down the road.

“Should we chance it?” I asked.

“The mobsters didn’t strike me as hair band kinda guys, so I think we should chance it.” We stepped away from the woods and edged closer to the road getting ready to to flag down the vehicle. As the lights and music got closer, Ulyssa tried to step back towards the woods. “Aw, hell no!”

“What? Where are you going?”

A Toyota with giant mud tires rolled to a stop and I suddenly understood Ulyssa’s anxiety. The Whitesnake music faded away and Johnny rolled down the passenger window.

“Well, well. Hello ladies! You need a ride?”

“Yes!”

“No! We’re fine!”

I stomped over to her and whispered. “Ulyssa I’m exhausted and there’s no telling how close the mobsters are. Now get in the damn truck!” 

She wasn’t used to me being bossy and puffed up. “No! I’m not riding with him. He’s going to think it’s a date and I’m never gonna get rid of him.” 

I looked up at a grinning Johnny and conceded that she was probably right, but right now we need a ride. “Deal with it.”

“We can wait, someone else will be along shortly.”

“I’m getting in that truck. You can wait if you want too.” I reached up and opened the door.

“Okay. Fine.”

“Great. You ride in the middle.”

“You’re such a beotch!” She growled at me.

“I consider this payback for making me date Jake. Now we’re even.” 

We climbed inside the truck. The cab was so small, she was forced to straddle the gear shift. It didn’t help that I was insisting she scoot over some because I couldn’t shut the door. I was rewarded with an elbow in the ribcage. Johnny was grinning from ear to ear at his good fortune. “What are y’all doing all the way out here walking around at night?”

“None of your business!” Ulyssa snapped.

“Okay, okay. Fair enough. Where ya heading?”

“Home.”

“Home it is.” He put the truck in gear and left his right hand on the gearshift.

I stared at a dreamcatcher suspended from his rear view mirror. It looks vaguely familiar.

Ulyssa’s hairclip!

Ulyssa noticed it too. “Where did you get that dreamcatcher?”

“I made it.” He replied.

“Where did you get those very unique feathers?”

“I think you know.”

“You jumped me in the haunted house!”

“I didn’t attack you. I was trying to be romantic. You attacked me and about broke my arm.” She started attacking him sideways, making the truck swerve all over the road.

“Stop it!” I screamed. “Stop it before you kill us all!” 

Ulyssa punched him in the ribcage, knocking the breath out of him.

“Can’t you see how much I care about you? You wrecked my truck and bout broke my arm, but I still want to be with you!”

She shook her head and stared forward. He mistook her cold demeanor for affection and would drop his hand onto her knee each time he shifted gears. She would grab his hand and sling it to the side. After he’d shifted truck into fifth gear and we’d reached sixty MPH, he let his hand rest on the gearshift with his arm pressed against her thigh. She endured this contact until we pulled up to a red light on the way into Nitro when he downshifted, using the opportunity to rub her leg. She tried to twist her body to punch him and when that didn’t work she tried to give him a sideways head-butt. All she managed to do was smack him in the face with her hair.