Fat Assassins (19 page)

“Maybe he’s metro.” Ulyssa said.

“They seem really into each other.” I added as Becky sat down on her folding chair, staring at Bubba with big doe eyes. Everyone murmured their agreement on the love birds.

“Where’s Mitchell?” Sam asked Mitsy.

“He’s working on his car. He’s got a big race tomorrow night. Y’all want to go?” Mitsy asked everyone.

“What time does the race start?” Ulyssa asked. “We have to go to my mother’s for dinner.”

“The prelims start at 7PM, but he don’t race until 8:30PM.”

“We should be able to make it. It’ll be a good excuse to get away from my family. Are you going Sam?”

Sam swallowed her tequila shot before responding. “Is there going to be demolition derby? I love watching cars smash.”

Mitsy shrugged her shoulders.

“Hey, speaking of violence…..” I interjected, “What happened with you and George yesterday? I heard that Minnie called the cops.” 

She shook her head. “Nothing too exciting. He was following me around the store, glaring at me. I finally confronted him in the bathroom hardware isle and asked him what the hell his problem was… He started yelling at me calling me a bitch and accusing me of poisoning him cause I turned his pee blue. He kept screaming in my face, so when I’d had enough I smashed him in the face with a wooden toilet seat. He’s so damn onry that it didn’t knock him out just stunned him for a minute. He picked up two toilet brushes and started hitting me with them. That’s about the time Deputy Hodde came up and put a stop to the fight. Luckily he witnessed George’s assault, so he was able to use that to talk George out of suing Wal-Mart. Said something about a counter suit which would involve big city lawyers. It scared George enough that he just stomped off with a big ol’ welt on his forehead.”

See, wrastlin ain’t fake!
I joked to myself.

It felt good to relax with friends, even if I was the designated driver and Ulyssa was the one unwinding with Barcadi. Johnny was seated on the opposite side of the bar with Rob and Tamera, but he kept staring at Ulyssa. I bet the drunker she got, the closer he’d get. I made a mental note not to leave her alone with him for too long. The town snobs were seated at their elite table, sipping wine. I was surprised to see Jennifer, the librarian, sitting with them though. She was too down to earth to be associated with the snotty circles. I was finishing up the crowd inventory, when I caught two bodies wedged into a dark corner by the bathrooms. I squinted my eyes trying to discern the shapes.

Rick and Emma again! Hadn’t they learned their lesson yet?

I guess we’d just increased Rick’s chances of survival by blowing up a good portion of Salvo’s stockpile, but it was still risky. The bar noise abruptly quieted making it easy to hear Ulyssa’s panicked whisper.

“Damn!” She started fumbling with her purse. “It’s Salvo!” She extracted the five thousand dollars and slipped it into her pocket.

Everyone was watching Rick and Emma, but I was watching Salvo as he walked up to the bar and handed Buck a twenty.

“I’d like a glass of Wild Turkey on the rocks, please.”

“Coming right up.” Buck grabbed the bottom shelf whiskey and poured it over the glass of ice. He shoved the glass of booze and twenty over to Salvo. “On the house. It’s been a while since I’ve seen ya in here, glad to have your business back.”

“‘Preciate it.” He raised the glass at Buck and took a sip.

He turned and started walking straight towards our table never breaking eye contact with me. I felt my heart rate increase with each step he took closer to the table.

I was one heartbeat away from a heart attack, when Bob (Tweedle Dee) ran through the bar door shouting. “We followed Rick here and waited in the parking lot. Thirty minutes later she showed up.” Billy, the other Tweedle, was the next one through the door following Bob’s every move with an ancient video camera hoisted on his shoulder. Sheila Cutweiler was the next person through the door and seemed to be the audience for Bob’s speech.

“The tracking device we planted on him is beaconing from back here.” He motioned for her to follow him.

This bizarre scene was enough to get Salvo’s attention. He stopped mid-step and watched the amateur TV crew at work. Everyone else in the bar was preparing for the brawl that was bound to follow, once Salvo figured out what was going on. A couple folks even decided it was a good time to leave. The rest of us sat transfixed as the real life drama unfolded.

“They’re right there!” Bob pointed a handheld spotlight towards the two shadowy figures in the corner and Billy panned the camera to the hidden couple.

A collective gasp reverberated across the entire bar as Bob illuminated Rick and Emma. They sat intertwined and frozen staring at the light like rats with their glowing, beady eyes staring out from the darkness.

“You whore!” Sheila screamed as she lunged at Emma grabbing handfuls of hair.

Salvo emitted a guttural growl, dropping into a predatory stance.

I caught a glimpse of Buck on the phone behind the bar, already calling the cops.

Salvo took his first steps toward Rick, slowly circling to the left cutting off the exit. His movements were slow and deliberate, moving forward like a lion hunting prey. Billy was so focused on filming the women’s fight he was oblivious to the fact he was the only thing standing between Salvo and Rick. The attack was sudden and precise. Salvo charged forward crushing the cameraman between him and Rick as they slammed against the wall. Billy’s rotund belly created such a buffer that it seemed to prevent Salvo from landing a solid punch on Rick’s face.

A frustrated Salvo struggled to shove Billy aside, but Rick kept using him as a shield. This tug-o-war caused the camera to fly off Billy’s shoulder and clatter to the ground near the bathroom doors.

Bob stood immobile unsure how to help. Another loud yelp from Billy spurred him into action. I watched in fascination as he rooted around in his left cargo pant leg for something. Remembering their police brutality at Wal-Mart, I wondered who he’d taze first.

But it wasn’t a taser he pulled from his pocket.

He stuck his arm in the air and yelled “Anarchy!” as he pulled the pin and tossed it in the middle of the fight pit.

White smoke started rising from the floor. Salvo, Rick, Sheila, Emma, and Billy all collapsed to the floor, coughing and puking.

My eyes and throat burned.

Buck started shoving everyone out the door. “Get out! It’s tear gas!” 

Becky tossed Bubba over her shoulder and carried him out through the door as the rest of us crawled to the fresh air. The entire bar was laid out on the gravel trying to recover from the tear gas as the sirens wailed from the emergency vehicles nearing the bar. The Tweedles and warring couples hadn’t made it out the door yet, but Buck assured us that they’d be okay. Just a little sick from the gas.

Ulyssa and I struggled to our feet, trying to escape before the situation got any worse.

The flashing police lights reflected off the windshield as we were exited out of the parking lot. I caught Deputy Hodde’s eye and gave him a half hearted smile and wave. I might as well start getting used to the fact that the dangerous life of a criminal was a lonely one.

God, I want a pint of New York Superfudge Chunk!

Sundays were usually reserved for cleaning house and doing laundry, so it was declared a no-shower day. It seemed kinda silly to put all the work into showering if we were going to spend the whole day inside the trailer getting dirty all over again. But, since we were going to Mrs. Grant’s for dinner, it was only a half no-shower day. We spent the morning lounging on the couch and waiting on the washer and dryer to signal a finished load. We washed the clothes from last night by themselves twice and ran them through the washer twice, just to be sure all the tear gas was gone.

“I still can’t believe Bob tear gassed the whole bar!” We’d been laughing all morning about last night’s action. “That was classic.”

“I’m just glad my name is finally clear,” Ulyssa declared. “And Sheila knows who the real hoochie is.”

“And Salvo knows about Rick!”

“I'd say Rick was having a pretty lucky day. Lucky that you blew up most of Salvo’s weapons and lucky that Bob gassed Salvo before he could kill him.” This got us caught up in another round of giggles.

“WE blew up Salvo’s weapons. It was a team effort.” I insisted. “What do you think happened after we left?”

“I have no idea. Nitro doesn’t have a jail or psych ward big enough to hold ‘em all. Besides, our lives have been so bizarre lately, I don’t even want to venture a guess. Maybe we can get some gossip from the crew tonight at the races.” She sipped her blended mocha. “But we gotta get through dinner with my parents first.”

We dozed on the couch after we finished cleaning the trailer. It was easier to sleep during the daytime with the noise from local news blaring from the television. I woke up oddly refreshed even though news bits about bedbugs, terrorists, international incidents and local homicides permeated my dreams. I stuck my arms and legs off the couch, trying to stretch the soreness out of my muscles. “That was the best sleep I’ve had in days.” I said.

Ulyssa uncurled on the loveseat. “Yeah. Me too. I feel refreshed and ready to face Darth Guilt. It’s about that time…..you want the shower first?”

“Nah. You go ahead. I’ll get my clothes ready.” I decided to wear my favorite jeans and pink cashmere sweater. I was dressing for the races, not dinner. I knew we could never be together, but I still hoped Eric would be there, so I could adore him from a distance. I was debating between my sexy calf high boots and comfortable black flats when I heard Ulyssa finish in the bathroom. Sexy boots it is.

Here’s to hoping we had an action-free evening.

The heat from the shower worked magic on my sore muscles and I emerged from the bathroom completely rejuvenated. Ulyssa must have been wishing for a fun, yet uneventful, night too, because she was wearing high heels.

“It feels like my pants are getting looser.” I stuck my thumb under the button and pulled forward, so Ulyssa could see the extra space.

“Wow. Maybe it’s all the exercise running from crazies and explosions.” She laughed. “We should do an assassin aerobics video when this is all over.” Ulyssa offered to drive since she’d roped me into the dinner. Her parents lived two blocks back from the Best Little Hairhouse, where her mom works part time as a hair dresser. She was only good at the older hairstyles, so it was usually the middle aged women who were her regular customers. Which meant she was a steady and reliable supply of town gossip.

The Grant front yard was an interesting mixture of Catholic and Civil War memorabilia. The center piece for the schizophrenic decorations was an old half-bathtub grotto of Mary, flanked by two life size civil war cannons. The God versus Guns design continued into the interior of the small ranch style house, where a confederate flag hung on the living room wall opposite a giant mirror with an etched Biblical scene.

A tiny flash of fur came flying out of the kitchen and started attacking my leg.

“Git down, you damned rat!” A graveled voice demanded from a old blue recliner.

The dog turned to growl at the voice, then went back to attacking my ankle.

Ulyssa reached down to grab the over aggressive Chiquaqua.

“Jesus! Stop it! You know Shasta!” She tossed the dog on the couch and walked over to the recliner. “Hi, daddy!”

“Boy am I glad to see you two! Now maybe your mom will stop her yapping about not getting to see you anymore.” He pushed himself out of the recliner. “I thought working at the factory was tough, but between you and me, listening to her prattle on for endless hours is a lot more exhausting.”

“Whatever dad! You wouldn’t know what to do if it was quiet around here!” He chuckled as he led us into the kitchen.

“Ah. There’s my baby!” Maria Grant wiped her hands on her apron and gave Ulyssa a big bear hug like she hadn’t seen her in years. She grabbed me in a big hug next and I could hear Jesus growling at me from the couch. “Shasta! You haven’t been eating! Look at you! Skin and bones!” She pinched my hip for emphasis. “Sit. Sit. Dinner’s almost done.”

A giant bowl of caesar salad and a plate of bruschetta was already on the table.

We all sat down at the dinner table while Maria slid the last of the calzones onto a giant plate in the center of the table. The air was laden with the aroma of tomatoes, garlic, cheese and fresh bread, making my stomach rumble in anticipation.

“See, you don’t eat enough.” She filled my plate with the biggest calzone and put it down in front of me. She repeated this for Ulyssa and Gerald before sitting down herself. She crossed herself, while the rest of us started passing the salad, bread and bruschetta.

“Shasta, how’ve you been?”

“Good, sir.” I replied.

“Dag-nabit. How many times have I told you to call me Gerald?”

“Dad, got any interesting events coming up?” Ulyssa interrupted. Her dad was a Civil War buff and spent countless hours participating in Civil War reenactments.

“Just finished up one this past weekend at Scary Creek. We lost fourteen men.” Her dad was a captain in the Federal re-enactors group. “I was in charge of one of the ground artillery pieces so I got to shoot at Meryl in his aluminum fishing boat. He was supposed to be the steamer Julia Maffitt, but the water is too shallow for anything but a rowboat these days.”