Falling for Finn (18 page)

He heard her breath catch, watched her pupils dilate. “I don’t want to.”

Finn leaned over her, positioning himself. “Then you’d better tell me to stop.”

For a moment she stared back at him, and he watched as that irresistible challenge flared again in her eyes. “You think one orgasm makes you God?”

“After the orgasm you just had? Pretty damn near.”

She let out an audible breath, green eyes sliding away from his.

No. Never again.

Finn reached out, gripped her chin, forced her gaze back to him again. “Don’t be such a coward, Anna. You’re better than this.”

Her jaw tightened against his fingers but this time she didn’t look away. “And you’re such an arrogant prick.”

“And you love it. Now.” He couldn’t help it the way his voice became rough. Because she was so close and so very hot and he wanted her so very much. “Put me inside you, beautiful. Unless you’re too afraid to do it yourself?”

A low blow and, of course, she knew it just as he did. But, after a small hesitation, she reached for him all the same, guiding him to her. And this was as different from before as rain was different from a blizzard.

Her gaze fixed on his, widening as he pushed inside her. Small, white teeth sinking into her lip as he pushed even deeper. Shock and wonder and fear all chasing themselves over her face.

“No…” she whispered, but he gripped her chin, holding her gaze to his.

“There’s nothing to be afraid of, beautiful,” he murmured, sinking deeper into the tight, wet heat of her, holding on to his sanity by the slimmest of threads. The very narrowest of margins. “It’s just me. Only me.”

She panted, her hips moving restlessly. “Too much. Oh God, don’t make me…I can’t…” She pushed at him but he wasn’t going to let her distance him. Not now. Bracing his knees wide on the seat, he reached for her, sliding his hands under her butt, easing her up and into his lap so she faced him.
 
Then he locked his arms around her. Holding her there, still deep inside her.

 
“Tell me the safe word, Anna. Tell me and I’ll stop.”

Her breathing quickened, her eyes so dark, inches from his. The position was almost unbearably intimate, but still she didn’t say it. “It’s just sex, Finn. This is just sex.” Like she was telling herself. Convincing herself.

“Is it, beautiful?” He moved again, another flex of his hips. “Then why are you crying?”

“I’m not…” But she was, the sparkle of tears slowly sliding down her cheeks.

He bent his head, kissed them away. Moved inside her. Slow and deep and forever.

Anna sobbed. “I don’t want this.”

“What don’t you want?”

“I don’t want you.”

Another thrust, gentle, like the swell of the sea. “Then why haven’t you said the safe word yet?”

She blinked, her lashes fringed with tears. “I hate you, Finn.” But there was no hate in her face. In her eyes.

“No, you don’t, beautiful girl.” He moved again, felt her move with him, together at last.

“I do. I hate it.” Arching against him, breathing harsh in his ear. “I can’t bear it…”

He bent his head, pleasure echoing everywhere, building tight and hard inside him. Another movement, her hips finding his rhythm and taking it, making it hers. “Anna…” He rested his forehead against the softness of her hair, fighting for control as the grip of her around his cock became more intense. “If you can hate it. That means you feel it.”

Her fingers curled into the muscles of his shoulders, digging in. “No, I don’t.”

Finn lifted his forehead, looked directly into her flushed face.
 
“Liar. Tell me you feel it, Anna. Tell me.”

“No.” Her breath became ragged, her eyes closed.

He slowed right down, fighting his own need, fighting the slick feeling of her sex around him. “Tell me.”

Anna gave a soft cry of frustration, her hips moving. “Don’t do this. Please, Finn. Please.”

But he’d had enough of her denials to last a lifetime. He’d get this from her. Even if that’s all he had in the end. “Tell me.”

Lifting a hand from hers, he slid it down over her slick skin, cupping her breast, circling her nipple with his thumb. She shuddered in response, moaning softly. Then he slid it further down between them, to the hard little bud between her thighs, a gentle flick.

“Tell me.” His voice hoarse, rough.

She cried out, her body arching as he circled her clit yet again, shuddering against him. And then she gasped and her eyes opened, looking straight up into his. Black and endless.

Finn began to move harder, faster, holding her gaze. “Do you feel it, Anna?”

The whole world was made of fire. Everything shaking and cracking and crumbling. Finn, taking her apart piece by little piece. Stripping her one by one of all the protective layers she hid behind, leaving her bare. Open. Balanced on a knife edge between safety and chaos.

He was all around her, powerful body caging her in on all sides, holding her, all smooth, tanned skin and the graceful flex of hard muscle. The light throwing into relief the perfect bone structure of his face. And the look in his eyes…like he was going to swallow her whole.

She wanted him to. Wanted to be devoured by him. Consumed till there was nothing left of her.

Her body shook, screaming with the need to surrender to him. Give herself up to the pleasure that drowned her.

On the edge of fear, caught between anger and the need to protect herself, Anna looked into Finn’s gaze. And perhaps something of the battle inside her communicated itself to him, because the dark hunger on his face eased a little. “It’s okay, Green Eyes,” he said softly, and his mouth curved, a ray of light chasing away the dark. An echo of the friend he’d been. The friend he’d always been. “Just your arrogant prick of a best friend.”

Familiar and warm and strong. The man she could always count on. Her anchor amongst the chaos of pleasure and fear and anger and desire. The man she’d loved over half her life.

Something broke inside her. Her last defense.

Helpless tears filled her eyes. “Finn…” She wound her arms around his neck. “I feel it.”

An expression crossed his face, bright, shining. “Anna…”

And she stopped fighting. Stopped denying. It was too hard and he was too irresistible.

Her arms tightened around him, her body arching into his, moving with him, going with him wherever he wanted to take her. Giving herself up to the chaos inside her. Giving herself up to him.

“Beautiful girl…” His voice was so rough, so guttural. “That’s right. Feel it. Feel it with me.”

Anna gripped him. Held on to him, lifting her mouth to his. Kissing him hard. Kissing him as if she would die if she didn’t.

And when the rhythm became too much, when she began to come apart, she turned her face into his throat. “I love you.” The words were broken into jagged shards, torn from somewhere deep inside. “I love you so much.”

Then there was nothing but brightness and his cry in her ear as they were both consumed.

For long moments afterwards Anna sat there, unable to move, unable to do anything but breathe in short, hard gasps. Finn’s body surrounded her, one hand knotted in her hair, the other with fingers outspread against her back, pressing her close. His forehead rested against hers, his breathing as out of control as hers.

She felt raw. Vulnerable. Like a small, soft night creature suddenly exposed to the burning heat of the sun. Everything too bright. Everything too painful.

She’d said the words. Acknowledged them. And now there was no hope of going back.

Finn moved, lifting his head, and she hoped, for one desperate second, that he hadn’t heard her frantic whisper. That he’d been too far gone to pay attention.

But one look at his face told her that was a vain hope. He’d heard all right.

The urge to protect herself from the wild, fierce feeling coursing through her veins almost strangled her. After so many years of doing so, the instinct was too strong to deny.

Anna lifted her hands and pushed him. Hard.

“Anna?” He sounded shocked as her push almost upended them both from the chair. “What’s going on?”

She didn’t say a word. Didn’t look at him. She had to get out, leave. Get away from this feeling of lying bleeding at his feet.

Slipping off him and out of the chair, she turned and almost ran to the bedroom where she’d left her clothes, ignoring his sudden shout behind her. “Anna!”

Her inner thighs burned, her body trembling as she scrabbled around in the darkened room looking for her clothes. All she wanted was to lessen this terrible sense of exposure, get back to safety any way she could.

“What are you doing?” Nothing but naked anger in his voice.

Her hands shook as she pulled on her damp clothes. “I have to go.”

“I don’t fucking think so.” He stood in the doorway of his bedroom, completely blocking it. Tall and powerful and furious.

She should never have said those words. They should have stayed buried. Hidden where they could never be found.

“Let me go, Finn.”

“You coward.” Contempt dripped from his voice, dark eyes burning. “You fucking coward!”

Anger bloomed like a bonfire inside of her.
She
was the coward? How dare he say that? How dare he get angry with her when that moment in his arms had destroyed the one place in the world she felt completely safe? A moment
he’d
forced on her.

“It’s not cowardice, Finn. It’s bloody self-protection!” She forgot about her dislike of confrontation and took a step toward him, her hands clenched at her sides. “Since we’ve been sleeping together, all I’ve had from you is anger and contempt and being told I’m selfish. And now you strip me of all my defenses, break me down completely, then me expect me to lay my heart at your feet. Is it any wonder I’m running away?”

He scowled. “That’s bullshit, Anna.”

“It’s not bullshit!” She took another step toward him, standing right in front of him. “When are you going to be the one to lower your defenses? When are you going to be the one to sob in my arms? When are
you
going to be the one who lays your heart at
my
feet?”

His head went back, the look in his eyes becoming hard. “My heart has been at your feet for the last twenty goddamned years!”

“Maybe it was once. And maybe if you’d still been the friend I knew back then, I’d have picked it up.” Cold, relentless, angry words. Words that couldn’t be taken back. Words she couldn’t seem to stop from coming out. “But I’m not picking it up now. You can keep your fucking heart.”

His chest heaved, sweat sheening his skin. “Anna—”

“No. I don’t want to hear it.” She stepped even closer, getting right in his face, fury pouring out of her. He’d stripped her of every defense, every protective layer she had, leaving her with nothing. No tenderness, no concern, no safety, no friendship. Nothing except his anger. “Did you never think, Finn, that perhaps there’s a reason I keep running? And that perhaps the reason is you?”

His eyes glittered. “Me?”

“Yeah. You.” This close to him she could feel his heat, and even now a part of her wanted to press herself against him. But she didn’t. She was too angry, too scared, too hurt. “I used to think I knew you better than anyone else. I used to think you’d be there for me no matter what. But it’s like you’re a different person, Finn. We never used to argue with each other, yet look at us now. You’re a complete stranger. And I don’t like it. I don’t like you.”

Shock passed over his face. To be swiftly replaced by the hard, cold mask that had nothing to do with the man she knew, the friend she loved. “Oh, I know. I get it.” Each word bitten out like he’d tasted poison. “It’s so obvious. You preferred it when I was your charity case, didn’t you? When I was poor, stupid Finn Shaw, your pet project.”

The comment was so out of left field she almost couldn’t process it. “What?”

“Yeah, I can see that.” The beautiful mouth, the one that had kissed her so passionately, was drawn up in almost a sneer. “You liked me needing you. It made you feel wanted. Made you feel special. But now I don’t need you anymore, you can’t stand it.”

Anna stared at him, the bitterness in his voice eating away at her like acid. “No.” She felt herself shivering. “That’s not true.”

“Yes, it is.” Abruptly his arms dropped from the doorway. “You want that pathetic, piece of shit guy I used to be? The one who couldn’t read, who couldn’t even get a job, who had to get his best friend to find one for him? Well, you’re shit out of luck. I’m not him and I never will be.”

He stepped away. For one long, aching minute they stared at each other and she felt the chasm separating them. So wide, so vast, no bridge in the entire universe could cross it.

Then Finn turned and walked away down the hallway.

And out of her life.

Chapter Twelve

Finn poured himself another Scotch. The good stuff he usually kept for Anna, not the shit he drank sometimes when she wasn’t around. No point saving the good stuff, not when she would never drink it. And he didn’t care about that. No, he didn’t.