Falling for Autumn (9 page)

“The museum wasn’t as bad as I expected. And now we get to do the
Rocky
movie thing and run up and down the steps outside.”

“That’s such a touristy thing to do. And it’s February. I’d rather just get into your car and crank up the heat.”

“You’re making me lazy. March is going to be the start of my training. I have to get rid of the beer gut.” He tapped his flat stomach for emphasis. “Want to start running with me when it warms up?”

“Sure
, I’ll go, as long as you aren’t opposed to a slow jog. I haven’t been running in forever.” My lips twisted into a smirk. “You know what I always wanted to do?”

“What?”

“Try pushing one of those pads that look like mannequins. I would always hear the guys grunting during football practice and it looked so easy to me.”

“Do you mean the sleds? They’re harder than you think.”

“I thought it was a defense thing. Do you use them for training?”

“Yup, running backs do drills with them all the time. They help me practice hitting and running through the line. You’d be surprised how much you learn to hate those things after hours of hitting them over and over again.”

“So, can I try it?”

“I’ll see what I can arrange,” he said. “But before we get back in training mode, let’s splurge on those cheesesteaks.”

I imagined the Philadelphia trip to be a turning point in my relationship with Blake. I mapped out an imaginary progression in my head, culminating in Blake confessing he’d come to care for me, and admitting he wanted to be more than friends. And I
wanted
that to happen. I knew it was risky letting my guard down, but he was the first guy to convince me the benefits outweighed the risks.

But nothing changed. We remained stagnant and despite the signals I tried to send that I wouldn’t totally be averse to the idea of kissing, he didn’t try to take things further. I questioned if I misread things. Maybe the gift and the late-night visit to my room didn’t mean anything.
Lexi insisted things weren’t all in my head, but she wasn’t completely objective. She saw how much I cared for Blake and would try to spare me from hurt feelings.

Lexi
told me to take a leap of faith and make the first move. Yet I was terrified he would try to let me down easy. At least in limbo I could pretend the possibility was there. If I told him how I felt and he rejected me, I’d still be forced to see him at least twice a week until the semester ended in May.

Two weeks after the museum trip, the weather began to warm. As soon as the temperature hit sixty degrees, I’d wear sandals until the first snowfall. Instead of going out, I was spending my Friday night working on my pedicure. I had just finished painting my toenails when the phone rang. While screwing the cap back on the white nail polish, I balanced the phone between my shoulder and ear.

“Hi, Mom.”

“Hi,
hon, I wasn’t sure if I’d catch you. No plans tonight?”

I could tell ther
e was something off by her tone but didn’t question it right away. My mom would tell me whatever was on her mind as soon as she was ready. Long ago, we had promised each other full disclosure. It hadn’t been easy telling her some of the racier things I’d been involved in when partying with Faye and Hunter, but it was necessary for her to fully understand what we’d be up against.

“Not really. I had an early dinner with
Lexi and Casey and then came back to the dorm to do my nails. What are you up to?”

“Cleaned the house from top to bottom while trying to gather up the nerve to call you.” I heard her take a steadying breath. “I have some bad news.”

“What is it?”

“It’s about…Thomas Bridges.”

I closed my eyes, hating how a single person could cause my blood to run cold by simply hearing his name. My parents and I rarely said his name, even after the arrest. We would refer to Mr. Bridges as
him
, as if he was a non-person and not the man who took everything from me.

“What about him?” I whispered.

“I mean I can’t really believe how quickly the time has passed, but since the maximum sentence was only five years, I guess it should be expected…”

“Mom,” I interrupted gently. “What are you talking about?”

“He’s up for parole. Our lawyer called after his interview with the parole board. They took your victim impact statement into consideration, but since this was his first offense…”

“He’s getting out?”

“His release is set for May. I’m so sorry, but I don’t want you to think this changes anything. You’re still safe. He’s not allowed to contact you and he still has to abide by the conditions of his parole or he goes right back to jail.”

My mom was still speaking, but my mind was elsewhere. I could feel the old wounds reopening, threatening to bleed me dry. I wanted to weep a river of tears and drown in them. I should’ve prepared better, but there was no way to get used to the idea that the devil would no longer be in his cage.

“Did you know about the hearing?”

“Yes, but our lawyer said it wasn’t likely he would be granted parole. He thought it would be another year or so
before it could happen. There are overcrowding issues at the prison he’s been serving his sentence, so maybe that had something to do with it.”

Or maybe because Mr. Bridges was skilled at making people see what he wanted them to see. I’d been a victim of his deception. Trusting Mr. Bridges had been easy. Appearing nonthreatening was what he did best.

“Hon, you’re away at college and the last thing I want is for you to worry. But I’m not sure if the papers are going to pick up on his release and start running stories about the case again. No one knows where you went away to school, just your father and I. You won’t be bothered on campus, only the local gossips will be chomping at the bit.”

“I’ll avoid the local news websites. Last time I went digging online, I didn’t see too many flattering articles about me.” After a beat, I started, “Mom, I’m sorry for all of this. I ran away and you’re still in
Newpine dealing with it. Maybe I should’ve never…”

“Don’t you dare, Autumn
Dorey. Never say you regret coming forward. If you hadn’t spoken up about the things going on in that school, you and every other female student in Newpine would’ve been at risk.” My mother’s harsh tone softened when she added, “You did the right thing and I’m proud of you for it. Things were hard for us at first but in all honesty it helped weed out the people who weren’t our true friends to begin with. But I know this town doesn’t hold the greatest memories for you. That’s why I thought we could spend the summer at the shore.”

“What about work?”

“I’ve earned enough days off to spend the summer at the beach with my beautiful and incredible daughter. Your dad may not be able to take off for the entire time, but he’ll come down on the weekends and for at least two weeks.”

My father worked as an electrical engineer and my mother was a customer service representative for an insurance agency. My dad’s schedule could be hectic depending on the size of the project he was working on.

“Isn’t that a lot of money to rent a shore house?”

“Not as bad as you think. A lot of the owners are willing to discount the prices if you agree to rent for the entire summer. It saves them the hassle of having to deal with different renters. Besides, when was the last time we’ve taken an extravagant vacation? I think our last trip was Disney World when you were thirteen. You’re in college now and we likely won’t have this chance again.”

I smiled against the churning feeling in my belly. What would I ever have done without her? I remember thinking of her as an annoyance, an overbearing mother who wanted to constantly know where I was going and who I was with. I owed her and it was the reason I would hold back my tears until I hung up the phone.

“It sounds amazing, Mom.”

“Great! I’ll email you some houses I’ve been looking at and you can let me know what you think.” Some of the false cheer diminished from her voice as she said, “I understand how hard this is for you. If it were up to me, they would’ve locked him away forever. But he’s out of our lives and you never have to see his worthless hide again.”

My heart began to thump erratically and I needed to get off the phone. It became hard for me to speak as a choking sensation locked down on me.

“Thanks, Mom. I’ll call you when I get the email of the houses.”

Reluctantly, my mom let me off the line. My eyes rested on my dresser. The anti-anxiety medicine was close by, but I hadn’t touched it in weeks. It wasn’t a mystery why I was beginning to rely on it less. Gradually, I’d been letting go, believing I could be normal again. I had become the director of a romantic screenplay starring Blake and myself. It had been playing on a loop in my head, but I should’ve known my past was inescapable.

“Fuck,” I cursed and slammed my hand against the wall. My palm burned and I shook it out to relieve the pain. I told my mother Lexi would be home soon, but the truth was she had left for the weekend after dinner. She was visiting Finn’s family for the first time. It was unfortunate timing, because in all honesty, I could’ve used a friend at that moment. I was ready to tell her everything. I hated the burden of keeping all of my emotions bottled up.

I liked Casey, but we weren’t close enough to exchange confidences. We talked about the ups and downs with her boyfriend and how hard it was to be in a long-distance relationship. We also had a few laughs when we dissected episodes of
The Bachelor
or exchanged celebrity gossip. But that was as deep as it got.

I dialed Blake and hung up once his voicemail picked up. I wasn’t going to tell him about Mr. Bridges, but I wanted to see what his plans were for the night. I’d be willing to spend hours getting lost in video games with him and Darien as long as it provided a distraction.

I tried not to think about it, but I began to wonder what it would be like for Mr. Bridges to be free and live a normal life again. Would his family welcome him back? Teaching was out of the question, but would he find another job and start over? Maybe there would be another girl like me. Another girl who would think she was the one in control, the one who held all the power over him. Then he would rip the floor out from under her and she’d be left broken in irreparable ways.

I cried for hours, sobbing until my head ached and my tear ducts were emptied out. I was mourning the loss of the Autumn who would never be. The one who didn’t always have to run and could stand her ground. Because as nice as it was for my
mom to offer up a shore house for the summer, it was just another exit strategy for me.

After plunging the room into absolute darkness, I curled up in my bed. Although I could hear the sounds of everyone in the dorm through the walls, I felt alone. I had fooled myself into believing college would heal the scars. No one could truly completely start over. Even if I moved across the world, hearing the name Thomas Bridges would still revert me to a sobbing heap on the floor.

I called the stronger part of my personality forward—the part of me that took control when the weight of my pain was more than I could take. Could I do anything to change the parole board’s mind? Maybe I should’ve been an active part of getting Mr. Bridges to pay for his crimes, but I’d been shielded for most of the process. Neither my parents nor I had wanted to go through a messy trial and a plea bargain deal had been reached. Five years had sounded like enough at the time. But did a couple of years erase the horror I felt every time I closed my eyes and saw his sharp features looming above me?

I drifted in and out of sleep until a sharp knock at the door made me sit up in bed. I debated whether or not to answer, knowing who it was without having to look through the peephole. I thought about ignoring Blake, but I had been the one to call him. However, it was after two in the morning and Blake wasn’t at my room to cheer me up. He was here to crash after another night of debauchery. By Blake’s regular schedule of heavy drinking, I was thinking how wrong I’d been to assume I was the one with serious issues.

Swinging open the door, I kept my scowl firmly in place. Blake stumbled back from the sudden movement and set his hand on the doorframe to steady him. Before he could say anything, I demanded, “What the hell are you doing here? I’m not your sponsor.”

“I have to talk to you. I need to tell you something and there’s no way I’ll spit it out if I’m sober.”

He was worse off than I anticipated. His eyes were glazed and I was afraid he would face-plant if he let go of the doorframe. “How much did you drink tonight?”

Holding up his thumb and his forefinger for emphasis, he said, “Just a bit. Don made his own moonshine and I may have gotten a little carried away.”

“What do you want?”

“Can I come in? I don’t want to have this conversation in the middle of the hallway.”

“No,” I said firmly and held my hands out in front of me when he lifted a foot to take a step forward. “It’s not a good night. Find whoever dropped you off and get a ride home. Call me when you’re not about to puke on my floor.”

“Autumn…” he sighed. As he trailed off, his eyes sharpened and he stared at me until I grew self-conscious and shifted side to side. “Were you crying?”

I turned my head away from him. “Yes, and my tolerance for your bullshit is at an all-time low tonight. I don’t know how you got the idea you have an open invitation to come to my dorm room whenever you like. It’s rude to me and would be annoying as hell to my roommate if she was here.”

“Do you want to talk about why you were crying?”

“No.”

“Do you really want me to leave?”

I opened my mouth to send him away, but the words became stuck. Inexplicably, I didn’t want him to leave. Being alone would force me back under the covers to wallow about Mr. Bridges. But what could Blake offer me? I wanted to use Blake to forget, but that would be a dangerous game to play. How far would I be willing to go to wipe Mr. Bridges completely from my brain?

An errant hiccup escaped against my will and before I knew it, my tears had returned.
I hadn’t wanted to cry in front of Blake. But I was so tired of being alone. I never wanted this life. I never wanted to be on guard all of the time and overly cautious about who I chose to let in. Maybe Blake wasn’t perfect, but he was
there
.

“Come in,” I managed and stepped aside. I closed the door once he passed me. Instead of turning, I pressed my forehead against the door and tried to rein in the tears. I had been doing so well for weeks, not feeling the suffocation of my despair. I was certain Mr. Bridges would revel in my state, triumphant I’d given him so much control over my life.