Falling Away (25 page)

“Sam?” she calls through my door. “Can I come in?”

I slide myself up on the bed. For the first time I notice sunlight channelling through the portholes, falling on the floor in chutes of pale yellow.

“Sam?”

“Yeah?” I answer.

The door clicks open and she pokes her head through. “Are you okay?”

I nod, giving a half-hearted shrug. My definition of okay has shifted somewhat over the past few weeks.

She moves further into the room and sits herself down on the end of my bed, looking as if she doesn’t know where to begin. “Look, I know I’m not qualified to give advice, considering where I’ve been the last couple of months. Where I’ve been in my head, I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.”

I wait, because there must be more.

She fiddles with her hair, hooking a piece behind her ear. “Just don’t become like me, Sam. Don’t hide yourself away. Don’t let your thoughts drag you down. Because I know from experience. You can’t let them excavate you from within.”

This all seems rather hypocritical. She is after all, the queen of deep quarries. She is a coalmine of distress, channelling ever deeper. Boring down so deep I never thought she could possibly emerge intact.

She wrings her hands nervously. “And I’m sorry. I can’t say it enough. I know I put you through hell. That I contributed greatly to your distress when your father died.”

“You did. I won’t deny it,” I say, looking her straight in the eye.

“And I know it’s probably too much to ask for. Your forgiveness. So I need to earn your trust again. I can’t promise I won’t go down again, to those depths. At times I can’t control that, but knowing you understand I’m trying, is all that I ask.”

I start to cry, because I’ve wanted these words from my mother for so long. And then she starts too, so I believe she has a heart. I just hadn’t seen it for a very long time.

CHAPTER THIRTY

“Come on, Sam! Don’t be boring. Beach party on the dune at Dark Point. You can’t miss
that
!” Ben urges, waiting for my response. He jiggles around on his feet like an excited kid.

“Yes, you
have
to come Sam. You’ll enjoy yourself. It’ll be
so
much fun!” says Lily, tugging me by the arm. “I need you there, anyway. Otherwise it’ll just be me and the boys. And that
will
be boring,” she laughs.

“Hey!” Ben says, poking her in the ribs. “Don’t ever say that
I’m
boring!”

“Ha ha. Yeah, as if,” Lily giggles.

Their frivolity is contagious. “Oh, all right. But you guys are driving,” I say with a grin.

“You’ll come? Really?” laughs Lily. “Yay! My partner in crime. You’re driving, Ben.”

He rolls his eyes at her, shaking his head in disbelief. “I’m happy to escort you girls for your fun evening out. Looks like I’ve ended up as the designated chauffeur for the evening.”

Lily and I giggle. “Good swindle,” I aim at her, and she winks in return.

“Get dressed girls,” he orders, backing from my bedroom. “We leave in half an hour.”

“You won’t regret this,” Lily adds, squeezing her fingers around my arm and then racing down the hall after Ben.

Fifteen minutes later Ben lets out a low whistle. “Wow, look at you. Pulling out all the stops.”

Lily jabs at him. “Shoosh, Ben. Leave her alone. A girl can get dressed up if she wants.”

I glance over my outfit. It’s a very short, very red, figure-hugging dress scooping low at the back. Really low. With heels it’d be a killer, but for a party on the beach? I’m wearing my havaianas. Lily’s in tiny cut-offs with a see-through cream lacy top. Her dark hair is piled in a rough bun on top of her head, leaving her fringe to frame her pale blue eyes.

Ben looks happy and it’s so nice to see. He snakes an arm around Lily’s tiny waist. “You look amazing,” he whispers, nuzzling into her ear.

Lily blushes. “Come on,” she distracts. “Let’s go.”

By the time we arrive the sun’s setting low behind the dune. Ben parks the old Subaru in the tiny parking area at the base of the steep initial climb.

The dark beach is a great place for a party. Isolated. Protected. Just what I need. But the place is heaving. There are groups of us literally everywhere. In the troughs between the dunes, on the sand beside the sea, and climbing to the ridge where the rippling dune meets the darkening sky.

The yearly beginning-of-spring bonfire has already been lit so we huddle. Ben throws me a beer and I drink, sitting with Lil in the warmth of the flames. I watch as more and more people arrive, settling into the sand.

“Oh, shit. Is that Jack?” I say, pointing him out to Ben and Lil as he relaxes into the sand with Matt and a group of guys I haven’t seen before. Not locals, obviously. “Who invited him?” I ask. I
really
wasn’t expecting to see Jack this evening, my heart lurching at the sight of him.

“It’s a free party, Sam. Anyone’s welcome,” Ben replies. “I’m gonna go talk to him.”

“No!” I say, reaching for his arm. “Don’t!” I really can’t have Ben drawing Jack’s attention to me. The last time I saw him he was so mad. So hurt. So keen to get away.

“Jeez, Sam. What’s the problem? Just because you guys aren’t together anymore, doesn’t mean I can’t be civil to the guy, does it?”

Jack’s eyes lock onto mine from across the dune and he holds them, before glancing toward the sea. And all I want is to go to him. Hold him. Be in his arms. But I know he won’t have me. Not after Narrabeen.

Em and Riley arrive over the dune, carrying a cooler bag of drinks between them. As they make their way across to us I resolve to have a good time. I will not let this worry me. I will not let Jack’s presence spoil my night. I have spent too long lying miserable in my bedroom. Tonight I need to have fun.

Em pulls out a bottle of tequila and pours it into shot glasses. She hands one to me with a cheeky grin and I throw it successfully down my throat then bite into my wedge of sour lime. And where nothing else works, this actually feels good. Like I’m burning the heat back into my heart, where it’s been cold now for a month at least. Frozen like a frost-bitten snow-covered field, just waiting for the thaw.

“Another?” Em prompts, handing the tequila bottle to me. I pour it out and we down those too, the heat coursing through my long-chilled veins.

One more and I’ll be gone. And with Jack only metres away, I’m desperate to be gone. In more ways than one. To look at him turns my heart over, flipping it in my chest. And the devastating fact is that
I did this
. I turned him away. And now I have just what I wanted. Which is nothing at all. And have only myself to blame.

“Go talk to him,” Em prompts, looking in Jack’s direction. “He’s been staring at you ever since he arrived. You know you want to.”

“I know I don’t,” I say, although I have to admit that each time I sneak a peek our eyes meet across the glow of the fire. But he doesn’t smile, just looks quickly away as if scared of what he might do.

The beach is already starting to roll in my tequila’d head. Two shots and a beer and honestly? I’m anyone’s.

“More?” Em asks, handing over the tequila bottle again.

Lily takes it from me and pours, and this is my third, and I know that on top of the beer I had when I first arrived, this could be a mistake. But really, I don’t care. I like this feeling. Being here, under revolving skies on this swaying sand. Even the fire spins before my reeling eyes. And the feeling’s delightful. I haven’t felt this good since …

Ben’s hanging with the Boy’s Club, their laughter carrying into the ink-black night. All the matey backslapping starts, the jibes and wisecracks. Lily and I just roll our eyes, knowing he’ll be there a while. She doesn’t care though. My partner in crime. And my tequila-providing accomplice gives me a wink, before shooting more of the brain-altering liquid down her throat.

“Do it, Sam! Last one. Drink it down.” Em’s face is warped under the star-wrapped sky, and as I try to focus on her, I down my third tequila.

Lily giggles stupidly. “Good girl. Now let’s dip our toes in the waves.”

We link arms to steady ourselves in the softly swaying sand. Us three. Em, Lily and me. Teetering as we rise. My brain will hardly focus at all, let alone on this mammoth task. I pull at the hem of my tight red dress which has managed to hitch itself higher up my thighs, and then I link my arm with Lily’s. Emily drags us down, closer to the water’s edge where luminescent foam runs warmly over my feet. And I love this. This feeling inside of me. I want to feel this forever. Because if I can’t have Jack, and as Dad has
definitely
gone, then this is the next best thing. Tequila comfort. My new-found friend.

“So tell me,” starts Em. “I have a question for you. Why is it that when someone says there are billions upon billions of stars up there in that beautiful sky you believe them, but when a sign says ‘wet paint’ you just
have
to touch it?” She chuckles as if it’s the funniest thing she’s ever come up with.

I giggle too, because it’s pretty silly. “Maybe
you
have to touch it, Em. But I
never
do.”

Lily laughs out loud. “But I do!” she exclaims. “I
always
do. I
have
to touch the wet paint. Just to be sure.”

Em and I look at her fuzzy face and break into fits of giggles. It’s problematic even focusing, the way the ocean sucks light from the sky.

“Well that says a lot about you two,” Em surmises. “Lily, you like to test boundaries, test the truth, whereas Sam, you’re just a bloody goody-two-shoes who takes everything at face value.”

“What? Who’s calling who a goody-two-shoes? I don’t reckon it says anything of the sort. And there’s nothing wrong with taking facts at face value. Believing them for what they are. Facts. Not necessarily having to prove anything to myself. Because honestly? That would take
a lot
of work.”

“Now, now girls. This is getting deep,” says Lil, trying to keep a straight face. “Let’s keep it light.”

We fall in a heap on the wet sand, laughing our asses off, because Lily tests boundaries and I’m apparently a goody-two-shoes.

“Hey hang on, Em,” I say. “You never said what you do. Do you touch wet paint?”

She laughs stupidly. “Hell, yeah. I
have
to. There’s no way I can’t. So, Miss Goody-Two-Shoes, you are definitely the odd one out.”

And hasn’t it always been so?

Emily pauses for a minute, as if an enlightening thought has just struck her alcohol-fuelled mind. “Take you and Jack, for example,” she says seriously, although with Lily raspberrying into laughter on the other side of her it’s a little hard to maintain.

I roll my eyes, wondering what Jack and I have to do with testing wet paint and believing there are billions of stars in the sky. “Yes, Emily?”

“Well, here you are, alone at this rocking beach-party. Well, not
actually
alone, because you have us. But really, we’re not the ones you want. Are we, Sam? And Jack’s sitting just over there, well, actually he’s standing now, trying to get a better view of what you’re doing down here by the water.”

I glance back up the beach and she’s right. Jack’s standing by his lolling mates, keeping a watchful eye on us girls down here. Well, maybe me in particular. And I
like
that he’s doing that. Watching.

“So? Me and Jack. Wet paint and stars. Where are you going with this?” The conversation is starting to remind me of Steve, the dancing pumpkin lawyer-guy in Shoal Bay that night all those months ago. Weird. Just. Weird.

“Well, in my humble opinion, you guys are meant to be together. You pushed him away because he lost his brother, then he finds Riley comforting you in Sydney after your Dad died, and although you tell him it’s not how it looks, he takes it at face value. See where I’m going with this?”

I try to take in her words. But my head’s spinning sloppily and it’s seriously funny. Seeing the world like this. Revolving around with me in the centre. Kind of like how the earth spins around the sun. And the sun is our light. And there’s no light on this beach, because it’s pretty dark tonight. Because there’s no moon here.

“Sam! Focus! Do you see where this is heading? You guys are absolutely,
one
hundred percent
perfect for each other. Jack takes at face value what he
thinks
he saw. You take at face value that he doesn’t seem to want you anymore. Because that’s how it looks, right? From my point of view, anyhow. What do you reckon, Lil?”

“Whatever you said, Em? I agree.” Lily titters, almost passing out in the intertidal zone. “And you’re miserable without him, Sam. Just go talk to him.” Lily moves higher up the beach to where the sand becomes dry, and lays her head on its soft pillow. It doesn’t take long for Ben to find her, and we watch as we lose a giggling member of our tequila party. He drags her to her feet and half carries her to the protection of the dune, where he lays down a blanket for them to lie on and wraps her in his arms.

“So, as I was saying,” professes Em, going all serious on me. “The two of you are both stubborn, bloody goody-two-shoes who take everything at face value. Test the bloody truth as you see it, Sam. Go on. You might be pleasantly surprised.”

“Em, I think alcohol suits you,” I reply sincerely. “But where Jack and I are concerned, you don’t have a bloody clue.”

She whacks me lightly on the arm. “You reckon? I’d like to be proven wrong.”

I raise my blurry eyes at her. “Is that a dare? Because it sounds like one, Em. Drunk dares are
never
a good thing.”

“I’m not drunk-daring you. I’m daring you to prove me wrong. Show me just how much Jack
doesn’t
care.”

I look across and his eyes lock on mine. I want him so badly, I just don’t know how to get him back. I don’t think I can. The damage is done. So really? There’s no point in trying. Even if he
does
care, I’ve hurt him. The one thing I was trying to protect him from was pain. And I added to it. He will
never
take me back.