Falling (20 page)

“I know, Dominic. That's what I'm trying to tell you. I know you're right, and I'm sorry. I don't have an excuse. I was overwhelmed, and unprepared for motherhood. I was destroying myself with my drinking. I never intended to hurt you. I had to learn how to take care of myself.”

Dominic can't control his fury. “You didn't hurt me,” he spits. “I don't care anymore that you left; my life is fine now. But you did hurt Jesse. And I do care about that. How could you leave your son? What kind of mother disappears and never ever gets in touch? Never even calls to see how her kid is doing? Never writes a letter, never sends a text, nothing? How dare you just show up and ask what he's like? How
dare
you?” He is shaking as he speaks, and he half expects Stacy—the Stacy he used to know—to spit her own fury right back at him, to come up with excuses, and accusations of her own. But to his shock, her face crumples as she starts to cry.

“You're right. You're right. There is nothing I can say in my defense. I didn't want to be a mother. I thought I could pretend I wasn't. I thought if I left and started a new life somewhere else, I could just forget about everything and everyone I'd left behind, including Jesse.
But of course it doesn't work like that. There hasn't been a day that's gone by that I haven't thought about him. Dominic, I was drinking. I am an alcoholic. I know that now. But I am sober today, and I have been for two years. Long enough that I thought my life was getting better, that I could go on and try again. I knew you must have been disgusted with me, and wouldn't want to see me. But I had managed to find someone, and I was in a relationship that I thought was serious. I got pregnant, and at first I was so happy. I thought it was my second chance. I miscarried six months ago. Ever since then I haven't been able to stop thinking about the child I already have. I was finally able to realize what I had left behind, and I knew it was time for me to come back and get to know him.”

“So you thought you'd just come back and pick up where you left off?”

“No. I get that I abandoned him. I know I don't have any right to walk back into his life and be his mother. That's not what I'm asking. But I would like a chance to get to know him. I would like to be . . . if not a mother, then someone like, I don't know, a favorite aunt.”

Dominic has no idea what to say. This, of all things, is the last thing he expected Stacy to ever say to him. He had never imagined something like this happening and he has no idea how he feels about it. He closes his eyes for a few seconds to regroup. “Are you staying in Westport? Are you back for good?”

“I don't really know what I'm going to do in the long run. The relationship I was in . . . wasn't as serious as I had thought.” She shrugs. “I'm a real estate agent now, in Florida. Fort Lauderdale. I have a good life there, but I needed to come back and see if I could meet Jesse.”

“How long are you planning to be here?”

“Ten days.”

Dominic nods. “Okay. Let me think about it. This is a lot to take in, and I have to think about Jesse. I don't know how he's going to react, and he's my priority.”

“Of course. I know you're an amazing dad. You were always an amazing dad.”

“Well, I didn't have much of a choice,” says Dominic, surprising himself with the bitterness in his voice before he checks himself with a sigh. “I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. I'm glad you got your life straightened out. I need to figure this out with Jesse, and Emma.”

“Emma?”

“My girlfriend.”

“Serious?” Her eyes flash.

“Very. What happened with your boyfriend?”

Stacy looks away. “I sank into a depression after the miscarriage, and it turns out he wasn't such a great guy after all. He couldn't deal with it, so he dumped me for someone else. So.” She turns back to him. “I'm single again, which means I'm also able to devote however much time I need to Jesse. Obviously I'm not here for long this time, but I can come back. I plan on coming back.”

“I'll bear it in mind,” says Dominic. “Listen, I had better get back. Here's my number. If you give me yours, I'll get in touch after I've thought about this. I need a little bit of time.”

“Of course,” she says sadly. “I understand. I know you want to protect Jesse, and I don't want to mess him up more than I have. I just want to be in his life. I'd love to see him before I go back to Florida, if you think that will be okay.”

Dominic nods, and the both of them turn around at the same time to make their way back to the house. He can't quite figure out what he's feeling, now that she is actually here and offering to be a part of
their son's life. It seems to be some kind of mixture of sadness, regret, and relief. And the tiniest bit of fear.

“Thanks, Dommo,” she says as they reach the house. They both stand awkwardly by her car as she reaches up and kisses his cheek. He stands stock-still, saying nothing, not even moving, as she gets in the car and drives away with a small wave.

No one has called him Dommo since Stacy. It sweeps him back to years ago, to the memory of what it felt like to be crazy in love, to think that the high of that crazy love was going to last forever. He doesn't feel anything for Stacy anymore . . . but even so, that one word sets him off on an impromptu trip down memory lane, bringing back feelings he thought he had buried long ago.

He has no real emotional connection to these memories: Stacy as a young girl, sliding her hands into the rear pockets of his jeans; the two of them with part-time jobs delivering Chinese food for the Little Kitchen; Stacy drinking and shouting.

He shakes his head. He doesn't want to think about Stacy anymore. Where is Emma?

He is still standing there when he spots Emma's car rounding the curve of the road and pulling into the driveway. He walks toward her to greet her, put his arms around her, apologize, but she comes to him when she gets out of the car, doesn't look him in the eye. Instead, she takes a step backward, clearly uncomfortable.

“Hi,” she says, meeting his eyes only briefly.

“Hey,” he says awkwardly, not sure how to act in the face of her reserve. “How are you?”

“I'm okay,” she says. And then she takes a deep breath and meets his eyes. “I think maybe we need to talk.”

Dominic's heart plummets when he hears those words. They never
mean anything good. Did she see Stacy? Did she see her reach up and kiss him on the cheek?
We need to talk
usually means
This is over
. It means
I have changed my mind
. It means
I may have told you last night that I loved you, but it was because of the wine, and I didn't mean it, and even if I did in the moment, I woke up this morning and knew all this—us—has been a terrible mistake.

Dominic follows Emma into her house and stands before her in the living room, feeling slightly sick, as she puts her bag down, takes a deep breath, and turns toward him.

“I needed some time away to think today,” she says. “I realize that you and I have probably rushed into things here. I wasn't looking for a relationship, and this . . . this thing . . . just crept up on me, on both of us. We probably took it much too quickly.”

Dominic's face falls. He can't believe his worst fears are coming true.

“It's been lovely,” Emma says, willing herself not to cry, “but I saw your face last night when you saw your ex.” She can't seem to say the name
Stacy
out loud. “I know you probably aren't even aware of it, but I think you're not over her. There are things you need to resolve with her before you're ready for a relationship with someone else.” She pauses, remembering the old lady in New York, and the advice she'd offered. “Is that what's going on for you?”

“Wait,” Dominic says. “I don't understand. What's going on for
you
? What are you saying?”

“I'm saying we should maybe have some space while we figure this out. If your ex is back in town and you're still in love with her, you need to spend some time with her. I think you're amazing, Dominic, but I can't be second best in your life, and I want you to be happy. If she's the one who's going to make you happy, then you need to be with her.”

Emma blinks away her tears. She crosses her arms, the way women do when they're trying to protect themselves from pain.

Dominic steps toward her, smiling.

“What?” Emma looks confused. “Why are you smiling?”

“I'm sorry,” he says, as he takes another step toward her. As he continues to move, Emma steps backward until her back is literally against the wall of the house. “This is because you think I'm still in love with Stacy?”

“I watched your face last night when you saw her get into her car,” says Emma. “I saw it in your eyes. You didn't say a word all the way home. You never bothered to say good night or come and see if I was okay.” This time tears do spring into her eyes.

He finally stops smiling when he sees her tears. “That was shitty of me, Emma, and I am sorry. I was thrown by seeing Stacy last night, you're right. But not for the reasons you think. I was upset. I didn't sleep all night, but not because of my feelings about Stacy. This is about Jesse, not me. To know that she's back in Westport? To see her after all these years when she walked out on our son without even a backward glance?” This time it is Dominic's eyes that fill with tears. “That's what I couldn't deal with.”

“So . . .” Emma looks up at him. “You're not in love with her?”

“Are you kidding? Stacy is a nightmare. I'll admit, I was shocked last night when I saw her and realized she was actually back. For real. It was like a horror movie.” Dominic smiles. “She's not the one I love. I'm in love with
you
. Completely.” He puts his arms around Emma as she leans into his embrace. “Wholeheartedly. With everything I have. I love you, Emma. There is no one in the world I want to be with more than you. You make me happy, and calm, and just . . . better. You make me a better person.”

Emma allows herself to be held, and all the discomfort and
anxiety of the day slips away as if it had never existed.
Thank God,
she thinks. The pain of the last twenty-four hours was almost unbearable. If that's what relationships are like, she is better off without them. Except here she is, in Dominic's arms.

“I did see Stacy today, though,” Dominic says, and he feels her body instantly stiffen.

“What?” She attempts to pull back, but he refuses to loosen his embrace.

“She came here because she wants to get to know Jesse.” This time he does loosen his grip on Emma. “She says she's sober now. She wants to get to know her son.”

Emma stands back to face him, forcing herself to be calm, not to let her panic show. “Isn't this what you wanted?”

Dominic shakes his head with a sigh. “I don't know anymore. All these years I was furious with her for walking out on him, but now that she says she wants to get to know him, I don't know what to do. What if she lets him down? She doesn't plan to move back here. She just wants to meet him. What if she's nothing but a huge disappointment?”

Emma takes a deep breath. “I don't know that you can stop it. If she's a huge disappointment, she's a huge disappointment. I think it's better that you let Jesse find out for himself. Maybe she really has changed and she can be a mother to him.” As she speaks, Emma is stunned to find she almost chokes on the word. Jesse has a
mother
. All this time, she has harbored this secret hope that
she
will be his mother, that
she
will be the one to step into the void his real mother left. She never anticipated that Jesse's real mother would come back.

Dominic looks at her, his face serious. “This doesn't change anything,” he says. “Well, obviously it changes things for Jesse, but not for us.” He pauses. “I want to be sure you're hearing me, Emma.”

She looks up into his eyes and nods. She just hopes he knows his own mind as well as he says he does.

“I love you, Emma,” he says, leaning down and kissing her.

And this time, she lets herself believe him.

•   •   •

Later that evening, in the kitchen, Dominic's phone buzzes. He reaches over to grab it off the counter where it's plugged in, charging, but not before Emma notices it's a text from Stacy.

He sighs. “She wants to know if I've thought about it and if she can meet up with Jesse this weekend.” He looks up at her. “What do I do?”

“You should say yes,” Emma replies. “She's only here for another few days. You should maybe let her take him to the playground or something.”

“Really? You think that's a good idea?”

“You have to try,” says Emma. “You'd never forgive yourself for cheating Jesse of this chance to meet his mother. And he deserves to know who she is, for good or ill. Maybe she will let him down again. But there's also the very real possibility here that Jesse could have a mother. That's what you've always wanted, isn't it?”

“Okay.” He nods. “Okay. You're right. Playground. That's a great idea. I'll set it up.”

“That sounds perfect,” says Emma, but she feels slightly sick, knowing that Dominic should go, too. It would be insane to let Jesse go off with Stacy by himself, before he gets to know her. Still, she wishes she knew how to get rid of the creeping insecurity she has had since last night.

She knows she has nothing to worry about; she thinks,
hopes
, she has nothing to worry about.

Her disquieting sense of distrust now has nothing to do with Dominic. This is about Stacy, a woman who may or may not have ulterior motives, a woman who may or may not still yield a power over Dominic. She is, after all, the mother of his child. If Dominic felt he ever had to choose, what choice would he make?