Fall Out (Against the Tides #1) (4 page)

But fuck, why did I have to end up here of all places? The one place that matters so much to not only myself and Brett, but to Knox and Emerson as well. All the times we used to spend on the boat, either out in open water or in the slip, run through my mind. Before I know it, tears are brimming in my eyes again. I refuse to let them fall this time because I’m tired of feeling weak and broken. 

The sudden knock on the window scares the hell out of me, making me jump. My door opens and before I have a chance to scream or grab the handle to pull it closed, Knox steps in the way. His large hand settles on the dash while he braces his other arm on the roof, resting his head against it.

I can’t even bring myself to look at him after the shit I said to him. I may be hurting, but so is he. I realize that now and it makes me feel even worse about what I said.

“Ariana,” he whispers my full name. When I don’t move or say anything he speaks up again. “Ari, I know it hurts, baby. I know you’re sad, but I’ve been here for almost an hour watching you sit here and battle that war you have going on inside your head.”

“I’m fine,” I finally manage to mutter, never taking my eyes off the damn sign.

“Bullshit,” Knox growls. “I’m a lot of things, Ari, but stupid is not one of them. I’m not blind either. I can see the pain written across your gorgeous face; it’s plain as day. You miss him and you hate yourself. Don’t you dare try to tell me I’m wrong, either, because I know better. I know
you
.”

My hands tighten their grip around the steering wheel until it begins to hurt, but anything that takes my mind off the pain in my heart is worth it. “How am I supposed to survive without him, Knox? I’m so alone.”

I inhale sharply when Knox grips my chin and forces me to look him in the eye. “You’re not alone, Ari.” He’s only inches away from me, close enough that I can feel the warmth of his breath blow across my face. I know that all I’d have to do is inch over and lean against him. He would wrap his arms around me and tell me everything will be OK. “Quit pushing me away because I’m not going anywhere.”

“After all the shit I said to you, how can you be like this? How can you not hate me?”

I sigh, dragging my free hand over my head while I think. “All the shit you said was everything I’ve spent every day since Brett’s death thinking,” I admit. “I’m never going to hate you, Ari. Especially for loving Brett as much as you do. You’re grieving, just like the rest of us. There’s nothing wrong with that, just don’t shut us out. Please, stop shutting me out.”

She tries to pull her face away but I don’t let her. It’s been weeks since anyone has seen her. Thankfully, I thought ahead and asked the security here to call me if she showed up. The last thing we need is for her to be out on the water by herself.

“You’re here, Ariana. I know you didn’t just show up here to look at the gate.”

“I don’t know why I came here, Knox.”

“I do,” I say, remembering all the time we all spent as a group on the boat. “You came to be close to him. That house may hold all of your stuff but we both know that boat is your home.”

Taking a chance, I grab her hand, tugging her from the truck. Her flip-flop clad feet slap against the ground. Looking her over, I can’t help but notice how much baggier her clothes have gotten since I pulled her out of the road. Ari scrunches her eyebrows together as she tries to figure out what I’m up to. Without saying anything else, I pull her away from the truck and close the door.

“It’s OK to be sad and shit, Ari, but letting the world pass you by because of it isn’t.”

Pot, meet kettle.

She follows silently beside me as I head down the dock toward their slip. When I stop in front of it she pulls her hand away from mine and keeps walking. The sandals on her feet get kicked off as she walks. When she gets to the end of the dock, she sits down, plunging her feet into the water. 

I follow her lead because it feels natural. The boat may be home for Ari, and I know it was for Brett as well, but the ocean is home for me. The only place I will let myself call home anyway. The sound of the waves crashing against the shore, the smell, the taste of salt in the air… that’s what I love. I am a coast boy through and through and I have salt water running through my veins. I know Ari does too, but sometimes I wonder if she still loves it like I do.

“You’ve always told me that salt water was the cure for everything,” Ari finally speaks up again.

I nod and continue looking out over the open water. “Mhm. Sweat, tears, and the sea.”

“What if it can’t fix this?” She finally turns and looks at me. The sad fear that fills her eyes breaks my heart. Wrapping my arm around her, I pull her into me unable to stop myself from noticing that she fits perfectly as always.

“What if it does?” I counter.

Ari sighs, her feet drifting back and forth with the waves as she thinks. My watch beeps, letting me know that I have to get going soon even though I don’t want to.

“I need to apologize to Emerson for being such an asshole to her too. I haven’t spoken to her since I found out about Brett and she didn’t do anything wrong. I slammed the door in her face a few weeks ago because I didn’t want to deal with it and I knew she was going to want me to talk.”

Closing my eyes, I take a deep breath. I’m not the person that should be telling her this, but it looks like I’m the only one that can. “Ari, you can’t apologize to Emerson right now.” The confusion is clear as day on her face and she doesn’t even have a chance to ask why before I tell her. “The reason she showed up at your house that day wasn’t to try to get you to talk about Brett. It was to tell you she was being deployed. She was deployed last week.”

Her mouth falls and her body begins to shake. Pushing herself up, she tangles her hands into her hair and starts to cry.

“I didn’t…I can’t believe…What kind of a fucking friend am I? I didn’t even have a chance to say goodbye because I’m such a bitch.”

“Stop, Ari.” Pushing off the dock, I step back up to her and grab her hands. “This is Emerson we’re talking about. Nothing is going to happen to her. She’ll be back in a few months and you can apologize then.” I check my watch again and as much as I don’t want to leave her like this I know I have to get to the base. “You’re going to be OK. I’m only a phone call away if you need me.”

“Where are you going?” she asks when I get a few feet away.

I hesitate but finally figure I might as well rip the band-aid off. “I have to go to work.”

She narrows her eyes at me. I know this isn’t going to end well when her gaze finally drops to the logo on my shirt and she storms toward me.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” she screams, slamming her hands against my chest. “You finally get out after putting your life on the line every day only to turn around and enlist with the Coast Guard to do the same thing?”

“Ari, stop.”

I reach out for her but she pulls away and glares at me. “No, I will not stop. You can’t tell me I’m going to be OK. That even though Brett is gone, and Emerson got deployed I’ll be fine, then turn around and expect me to me OK with you putting your life on the line again. And let me guess, because you’re a stubborn ass, you picked the most dangerous job they have and are training for that.”

“Depends on what you think the most dangerous thing they do is,” I say, hoping to ease some of the tension but all it does is piss her off more.

“Rescue jumping,” she seethes.

I don’t have to answer her because she already knows the answer. She shoves past me, muttering something under her breath.

“God damn it, Ariana! This is who I am. It’s who I need to be. I need a purpose in life and I’m sorry if you aren’t OK with that. I don’t know how to make everything better for you when you keep pushing me away!”

“I can’t handle this, Knox. Not right now,” she cries. “I can’t watch you willingly put your life in danger and wonder if I’m going to lose you too. I love you, Knox, you know that. But this isn’t something I can support.”

She walks backwards until she hits the ramp and I swear she does it just so I can watch her cry. Finally she turns around and sprints up the ramp. The words “I love you too” get caught in my throat as she disappears behind the gate. Caught inside me like they always have been with the real meaning behind them.

And there lies the problem. I’m the guy who is in love with the girl that will never love him the same way. She’s the girl that was made for me but I was too late and she fell for my best friend instead.

Salt water may pump through my veins, but Ariana is what keeps my heart beating.