Authors: Kimberly McKay
Jackson loomed over the boy and frowned down at him. “You shouldn’t do that again boy.” Jackson took the stocking with him, and retired to his room.
Little John started crying because he knew his father was disappointed. Jesse threw one of his new toys at his younger brother, ran upstairs to his room, and slammed the door.
Jesse now, almost fifty years old, couldn’t stand rehashing his childhood memories, and now with John’s letter in hand it had done nothing but drag them all up again … except this time, with a fresh perspective.
It was this perspective that gave him pause, and made him consider his part in not only his past but also his little brother’s upbringing.
Am I angry with him for what kind of person he grew into? Or was I always angry because I blamed him for mom’s death? Am I to blame for how he turned out?
Jesse shook his head and tried to free his mind from the guilt plaguing him at the moment, but the little voice asking questions now started with accusations.
You should have given John more time…in essence you deserted him too. Maybe if you’d been the big brother you should have, he wouldn’t have turned out so badly.
Chapter 12
“I had the dream again,” John sighed running his hands through his hair. He looked up, with tired eyes to his therapists desperate for answers. He needed some resolution – any solution would do. He was tired of fighting his mind and his conscience.
“When did these dreams start becoming more frequent? Since you learned Jesse knew of your daughter, Chastity, or your wife’s pregnancy?” Leo asked leaning into his black leather chair. He picked his pen up and pointed it, ready to write on his little yellow pad.
“At first they returned after I learned about my brother’s knowledge of Chastity. Then they started becoming more frequent after Andie got pregnant.” He stopped and quietly smiled at Leo. “We found out it’s a girl the other day.”
“Congratulations!” Leo exclaimed. “Now that’s something to celebrate.”
“Thanks.” John’s face slowly broke into a smile, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes. “Then, why don’t I feel like celebrating? I should be happier.”
“Maybe you feel guilty for having any happiness to celebrate when you can’t shake your guilt.”
John pursed his lips and nodded in agreement.
“John, have the letters you wrote to Chastity not helped you release any emotional baggage? Have they not helped you see more clearly on why you made the choices you did?”
“Yes,” John sighed, “but I won’t have any resolution from them until I have contact with my daughter. I don’t even have a right to call her that. Not after what I did to her mother.”
“Are you talking about the rape?”
“Yes … that.”
“You’re a changed man, John.”
“But she doesn’t know that … heck not even my own brother knows that. And my dad … with the Alzheimer’s… he’ll never know it. He’ll always know me as the screwed up kid he had to bail out from all the wrong choices I made.”
“John, don’t martyr yourself. There’s nothing you can do about your dad. You can’t control that so you must not focus on what you can’t control. Remember this was part of your anger issues growing up.”
John quickly nodded and leaned back into the couch. There wasn’t much to argue there.
“But,” Leo continued, “there is something you can do about your brother and your daughter. Your wife and new baby … you’ve got a fresh start with them. So remember not to take them for granted through this process, but if it’s worth it to you to prove yourself to face redemption to the rest of your family … you must continue to try. Make contact, continue communication, and don’t expect them to open their arms to you. Just be ready to open your arms and for whatever you get in return.”
Leo saw John look up with regret, and wondered when he’d let himself be forgiven. “Did group therapy not prove anything to you John? That you’re different.”
John closed his eyes and cocked his head, giving a slight concession. Yes, group therapy had been an eye opener. It consisted of a room full of offenders, rapists and abusers. At first he sat in judgment of them all.
He looked around the seedy group, and he felt disgusted. After all he was
nothing
like
them.
He remembered thinking the lot of them should all be thrown in jail and locked up for life or worse, but then his conscience started attacking him telling him the obvious.
You did it John. You raped a woman. Just like the young thug sitting next to you, who seems to show no remorse.
One session was enough for John to call his therapist the next day, and ask for solo appointments only. He wasn’t ready to sit next to what he could have turned into if he’d listened to any more impulses that he’d had the night he’d hurt Kylie.
Leo wanted him to see the obvious difference between himself, a man who voluntarily chose treatment to work through his one mistake, and the others, who had been arrested and forced to attend state sessions. Leo wanted him to see that although what John did was wrong, there was a difference in his soul and heart from a man who had no conscience.
Chapter 13
John’s first few sessions didn’t do much to scratch the surface. He had so many layers that it took months to peel them back one by one. His counselor helped him see many things about himself that directly resulted from childhood. It was an eye opener for him in many ways as he recognized things that he never understood until Leo pointed them out. After each session, mentally and physically he would leave exhausted, ready for a weeklong nap.
Upon starting his first week he was ready to quit, but he was encouraged by Andie to keep at it. To be honest, John didn’t know what he would do without her. Their relationship started on a friendly level, with only platonic companionship. They talked on the phone in the evenings, and met for lunch to discuss the simple things in life.
It was something he’d never experienced with a woman before; a true friendship with no strings or sex involved. He really tried hard to leave it that way, but her beautiful spirit and heart - were equally matched by a beautiful outside. Her short blonde hair and dark brown eyes left him in a permanent state of flux.
At first, John was afraid to admit his growing attraction to Andie, primarily because he was afraid to lose his source of moral support - but also because he was afraid she wouldn’t return the sentiment. But soon it became apparent to both of them that they worked, clicked, and belonged together.
John would never forget her kindness the night he met her. It was the same night Jesse had called him, to announce his arrival in town. Jesse asked him to meet at a local bar in Washington D.C.
John chose to sit toward the back of the restaurant, so that he’d see his brother when he came in. He and Jesse had never been on good terms… and hadn’t been since they were kids, so the inspired ‘in town and want to meet’ he’d left on John’s voicemail left him suspicious of his brother’s motives.
It was that night that Jesse would pull the rug right out from underneath him with news that Jesse knew of Chastity’s location.
John never saw Jesse come in, and was surprised from behind. Jesse clearly arrived early to watch his little brother squirm in anticipation of his arrival. Once Jesse had accomplished his ambush, he delivered John another blow with news that he knew all of John’s dirty laundry.
“I found the file on the Wayne's. Kylie and her daughter, Chastity?”
John remembered his feeble attempt at a lie, “I don't know what you're talking about.”
“Yes, you do.” Jesse firmly responded. “Now I know why you were shipped off to military school, and I know what you did to Kylie.” He watched his little brother squirm before going on. “Did you know she passed away recently?”
“
Kylie
?” John asked in a low voice. He knew at that moment he’d never be able to make it up to Kylie, the woman he’d beat himself up over for all these years. The woman he broke … no, shattered … and wanted to fix.
Jesse waited for John’s reaction, and must have gotten what he was looking for, because he almost smiled before finishing up. Jesse’s ice-cold glare sent chills down John’s spine, so much so that John was almost happy to see the approaching waitress.
“Drinks gentleman?” The waitress asked as she set cocktail napkins on the table.
Jesse dropped money in John’s lap and before leaving him with words he would never forget.
“Oh, and I know
who
and
where
you daughter is. Only you're to stay away from her. Do you understand? You've done enough.”
Jesse smiled warmly at the waitress, giving her usual Mikale charm, “No thanks. I'm leaving, but he'll need a big one.” He nodded toward John and threw a hundred dollar bill on the table.
“This ones on me little brother,” he said roughly before making his departure.
There were two struggles inside John that battled that night. One part of him wanted to follow his big brother, and throttle the information out of him. The other side, knowing it would only give Jesse satisfaction that he got under John’s skin, told him to stay put and wait for the right time to approach the family. This second voice was the voice of reason, which also told him drinking would cure it all for right now…lots and lots of drinking.
From across the room, Andie could see the range of emotions contorting such a handsome face. She witnessed these two men, who appeared like family, but who were obviously estranged, have a short and heated discussion before the larger of the two threw some money down and leave.
Andie Mills sat at the bar with a friend, pretending not to witness the whole transgression. This wasn’t her problem or her issue to fix, but it wasn’t too hard to figure out this man wasn’t going to leave before he drank himself into the ground.
She tried not to interfere. She tried not to help, but she couldn’t help it. She was a classic enabler, a self aware one, but an enabler just the same.
At least if I’m going to interfere, I’m walking over there knowing I should stay away. After all, it’s not my problem. I shouldn’t …
Andie waited until his third crown and coke on the rocks turned into his fourth drink, before she said good night to her friend and walked over to his table.
“You know this won’t get you anywhere but on your b …” she started before he cut her off.
“Is that the best pick up line you’ve got?” John looked up with a sexy grin.
She laughed in retort. “No, just take it from someone who knows. If you keep this up, you’re headed for a lot more hurt than you’re trying to kill.”