Face the Music (49 page)

Chris’s deep voice resonated through
out
the theater.  “First, I have to thank my Heavenly Father above.”  He pressed a hand to his lips and looked skyward.  “I have to thank all my wonderful fans for supporting me, week after week.  And of course, my family.  Mom, I love you.”  I wouldn’t let myself look, but I imagine the camera zoomed in on her sitting in the front row.  “And all of my friends, who put up with me each and every day, I couldn’t have done it without you.  You were my inspiration.”

You inspire me
.

My throat tightened.  “Please, Emily!  I need you to do this.”

“Fuck, Allie!  What about him?” she pointed a long finger towards the stage.  “Don’t you think he deserves a say?  What do I tell him?”

“Nothing…anything.  It doesn’t really matter, not now.  He’ll understand it’s for the best.  Please.” 

Her fingers loosened their grip around my arm.  Wasting no time, I seized the opportunity and stood, dropping my backstage pass onto her lap as I squeezed past her.  Not caring whose toes I stepped on, I pushed my way out of the row and hurried towards the exit.

Chapter 25

A taxi dropped me off outside the front of my building, but I didn’t go in.  It was such a beautiful night.  Even through tear-filled eyes I could see the stars shining brightly overhead.  The light, warm wind and soft trickling of a nearby brook gave the night a tranquil, subdued tone.

I went to the playground and sat on a swing.  As I twisted in circles and let the chain spin me back around, I imagined what life would be like if Chris and I continued our relationship. 

I couldn’t leave Em and Molly.  That was out of the question.  But no way could I ask Chris to stay in Chicago.  He would never get the opportunities he would elsewhere.  Plus, as part of the top ten, he was contracted to go on a summer tour.  That wouldn’t be fair to either of us, being apart for so long. 

I hung my head and closed my eyes.  It just wouldn’t work.  It couldn’t.  Not to mention the fact that I would forever be holding him back.  He had a career to build, and I would always be in the way of that. 

I had been so silly, allowing myself to imagine life differently.  My place was here with my sister and niece.  Em
ily
needed me, and I couldn’t stand the thought of not being around to watch Molly grow up. 

I sat on the swing for a long time, thinking about how pitiful my life was.  I had to get over my stupid little crush.  That’s all this boiled down to, really.  Me taking things with Chris way too seriously, letting it go too far. 

Life would go on. 
I knew that all too well. 
After losing Gramps, Mom,
and
Grams,
I was still here, after all.  For me, life always went on, like it or not.

Footsteps approached in the darkness.  I tried to remain still, tried to be invisible as I sat in the shadows on the swing.  Whoever was coming would walk right past me and let me sit in misery. 

“Allie?  Are you out here?”  Chris was calling for me. 

I tried to compose myself before he got any closer.  “What are you doing here?”  I asked, somehow sounding completely opposite of what I felt.  “You’re skipping out on your party?  What will everyone say when the guest of honor is a no show?”

His pace quickened as
he approached the swings.  “
They’ll get over it. 
W
hy are you out here?”  His voice was
so
full of concern.  “Are you okay?  Emily said you weren’t feeling well.”

“I needed some air.”  I
thought hard to come up with an
excuse.  I knew I couldn’t be with him, but I certainly didn’t want to hurt him.  “All those people, you know?  It was just too much.  Congratulations, though!  I’m
thrilled
for you.”

He took a step back, ignoring my attempt to change the subject.  “You needed air?  You didn’t have to come all the way back here to get air.  Are you sick?” 

“No,” I whispered, squeezing my eyes shut and wishing all this was behind me.  I knew what I had to do.

“
W
hat’s going o
n with you?  I don’t understand.
”

I opened my eyes and looked up into the moonlit shadow of his face.  “
W
e have to talk.  But not now.  You need to get back to your party, back to
your life.  We can talk
later, okay?”  I stood up to leave
,
but he stepped in front of me. 

“Allie, you are my life.  I don’t want to be anywhere you aren’t.  Don’t you get that?” 

I did, actually.  That was part of the problem.

He took my face in his hands.  “If someth
ing is wrong, just talk to me.  W
e’ll figure it out.  Together.  Don’t shut me out.” 

I made the mistake of taking a deep breath.  His hypnotic scent filled my lungs.  Breaking free of his touch, I sat back down on the swing.  “
Y
ou’re amazing.  You are, without a doubt, the best thing that has ever happened to me.”
 
My heart sank as I prepared to do what I knew was necessary.  “But this won’t work.”  I twisted in the swing again.  “I’m so sorry.  I don’t want to hurt you.  I just can’t, I’m not ready for this.”

The chain on the swing reached its tension point and began to circle around the other way.  He reached out and grabbed the chains, bringing me to a startling halt.  I nearly fell off. 

“What? 
W
hat are you talking about?”  His face was inches away from mine, his breath warm on my face.  “Are you saying you don’t,” he swallowed, “you don’t want to be with me anymore?”  He let go of the chain and collapsed into the swing next to mine.

I tried to explain.
“I’m just saying we can’t.  I can’t, not now.  I need space
.”

“Jesus, Allie.  Where is this coming from?”  His voice was thick and edged with emotion.

“You’re a Superstar now.  The Superstar.  I don’t want to get in the way of that.”  I looked at my feet.  “I don’t want to be the one to drag you down.”

“Allie!” he pleaded, but I cut him off.

“I told you I’d stay until the end of the show.  It’s over now- t
he competition.  Us.  I’m sorry
!  It’s just too much.  I can’t deal with it.”  I dug my fists into my temples and squeezed my eyes shut. 

“You can’t deal with what?”

“Any of it!  The reporters, the
uncertainty
.  The
pressure of never being good enough
.
”

I took a few steps towards the building.

“Allie, wait!”

I turned around one last time.  “I’m so sorry.  The last thing I wanted was to hurt you, please believe that.  Have a great time on your tour, Chris.  I genuinely hope you’ll find the happiness you deserve.”

***

I leaned my forehead against the cool glass of my bedroom window.  Chris’s dark form still sat on the swing in the park below.  “I’m so sorry,” I whispered, unable to bear that I had hurt him.  I fell to my knees. 

Somet
ime later
,
the front door opened
. 
Emily’s heavy footsteps stomped down the hall.  She flipped on my light and looked at me miserably.  “What the hell was that all about, Allie?  What did you do?”

I sat up and blinked against the bright light.  Tears had long since stopped flowing, leaving my eyes dry and irritated.  “I did what I had to.”

“Chris came out to find you after you left.  I told him you weren’t feeling well.  How dare
you put me in that position
!” 

I couldn’t blame her for being mad.  I didn’t even try to defend myself. 

“H
e left to go find you
,
and the whole place went in an uproar.  It was total chaos.  He came back about an hour ago and looked like he’d been hit by a bus.  He told everyone there was some emergency, said he needed to be on the next flight home, and left.”  She looked at me for a few long seconds.  “What did you do?”

“It was for the best,” I whispered, looking straight ahead at the bare wall.

“Best for who?” 

I didn’t answer.

***

I sulked around the apartment the next day, barely getting out of bed.  I didn’t even bother to get dressed.  What was
the point?  I had nowhere to be
.  It seemed like a waste of energy. 

Wednesday afternoon Jake came over to say goodbye.  I got cleaned up and rode with him to the airport.  He hugged me before heading down
to
the gate.

“Goodbye, Jake,” I choked, my throat tight with emotion.

He held my shoulders and flashed me a crooked grin that didn’t quite rea
ch his eyes.  “Hey, don’t cry.  I
t’s not like I’m leaving for good.  I’ll only be gone a few short months.  I’ll be back before you know it, okay?”

“You better call.”

“Cross my heart.”  He made an X-
pattern across his chest and turned to go. 

I felt as though my whole world walke
d down that corridor with him.  M
y heart sank lower with each step he took.  I watched him s
tand in the long security line and go through the detectors.

Before I got through the terminal, I heard Chris’s voice.  I glanced up at a TV a
nd saw a replay of the finale.  A camera
zoomed out to reveal him sitting with a reporter.  “Tell us,” the interviewer asked, “what was going through your mind at that winning moment?”  A clip of Bradley McKnight revealing the results flashed in the background.

He looked rough, and I wondered if he’d gotten much sleep these past few days.  I sure hadn’t.  The shadow of a beard covered his cheeks, and his normally brilliant eyes were dull.  He cleared his throat and slumped in the chair.  “I was just lost in the moment.  I don’t know that I really had any thoughts.”  His voice was weary.

“Surely you must be looking forward to your upcoming tour,” the reporter continued.  “You’ll be going to…”  She started listing off the various cities where Chris and the others would be appearing.

I didn’t want to stand there and listen to anymore, but my legs were frozen in place, holding me a captive audience.

“I am looking forward to getting away,” Chris admitted.  He gave her a grin, but it lacked its normal radiance.  My heart ached in my chest.

The reporter continued to ask questions while Chris squirmed.  I finally willed my legs to take me away.

I decided that the best way for me to get over Chris was to stay busy.  I signed up for a full summer course load and went into the cashier’s office
a week later
to pay my tuition.  Opening my wallet, I pulled out my MasterCard.  I hated to put that much on the credit card
,
but
I
had no other way to pay.  I’d just have to work extra hours over the next couple months.  It’s not like I had anything better to do.

The cashier
gave me a confused look as she pulled up my account.  “It seems that your balance has been taken care of, honey.”