Authors: Melody Carlson
“But about a year ago, she had decided she wanted to become good friends with me. She started e-mailing me when we were on tour, and then she’d follow me around while we were at school. And I didn’t always like that. Still, I knew without a doubt that God had called me to love Tiffany. And I tried. I really did. Again and again I tried. But I think I mostly failed.
“I used to believe that God had given me Tiffany Knight as my personal cross to bear—you know what I mean? That hard thing in your life
that just never seems to go away? I honestly thought I would have to drag this girl around with me for the rest of my days. But now she’s dead. And you know what? I wish, more than anything, that she were alive and that I could take her everywhere with me. I wish that I could be her best friend and love her the way Jesus loves me, and I wish I could talk to her and pray with her and all sorts of things. But guess what? It’s too late. She’s dead. I’ll never have the chance again.”
Tears were running down my cheeks now. “And this is what I want to say to you. Everybody has a Tiffany Knight in their lives. Or maybe you are one yourself. I’m talking about that guy who hasn’t accepted Jesus as his Savior, that girl who still thinks that God doesn’t care about her. And what I want to tell you all tonight is that we don’t know how long these people are going to be around. I’m sure Tiffany didn’t get up Saturday morning and realize that she was about to live the last day of her life. So my challenge to everyone, including myself, is this: Let’s live each day as if it were our last, let’s love everyone like we won’t be seeing them again. Let’s live our lives for God so that we’ll have no regrets when it’s time to call it a day.”
I looked out over the crowd then held up my fist and shouted, “No regrets!” And everyone else
did the same. Then I said, “I want to dedicate our next and final song to Tiffany Knight. Tiffany, if you can hear us, this one is for you.”
And then we sang “The Heaven Song.” After we were done, Iron Cross came up, but before they started singing, Jeremy began to speak, picking up where I’d left off, almost as if it had been planned, which it hadn’t. He gave a powerful invitation for them to follow Jesus or to recommit their lives, and almost everybody raised their hands. Then he led them in a beautiful prayer.
I have decided that God wastes nothing. Not even what seems like a perfectly senseless death of a life that was never fully lived. And although I’m still sad and sobered, I am trusting God for all this. It’s all I can do at the moment.
THE HEAVEN SONG
there’s something in the air
that washed away my care
like a shower of spring rain
erasing all my pain
God’s breath breathing down on me
filling me with energy
washing me with joy and peace
giving me this sweet release
i can walk or i can fly
like an eagle through the sky
or enjoy a happy ride
zipping down a rainbow slide
God’s breath breathing down on me
filling me with energy
washing me with joy and peace
giving me this sweet release
i can sing and i can dance
i can make the horses prance
i can play games with baboons
or i can walk upon the moon
God’s breath breathing down on me
filling me with energy
washing me with joy and peace
giving me this sweet release
i can swim beneath the sea
seeing wonders that see me
i can build a house of gold
or listen to the songs of old
God’s breath breathing down on me
filling me with energy
washing me with joy and peace
giving me this sweet release
i can do most anything
bow before the King of kings
i can thank Him for His grace
and praise Him for this heavenly place
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After the concert last night, I decided to read Tiffany’s e-mails. Everyone had pretty much gone to bed and I was sitting in the living area of our suite, just quietly reading on my laptop. The first two posts were fairly typical. She was telling me about what she’d been doing this summer, and it sounded pretty uneventful to me. “Too bad,” I was thinking.
Then I came to the third post, and she was really talking about God a lot and about some of the things she had heard at church that day. Then by the fourth post, I could tell that God was really at work in her, and by the fifth one, she had actually gotten down on her knees and given her heart to God. Well, by then I was probably jumping up and down and yelling. At least that’s what everyone told me when I woke them up.
“What’s the matter?” Laura demanded as she rubbed her eyes.
“Yeah, what’s up?” said Allie.
“I’m reading Tiffany’s e-mail,” I told them.
“What’s it say?” Caitlin asked as everyone began to gather around with interest.
“Okay, you guys, listen to this! It’s the fifth e-mail Tiffany sent me this summer, written in late July:
I really did it, Chloe. You may not believe me, but I totally did it. Tonight, after church got out, I was thinking about the sermon and I realized that I am just like that blind man he was talking about. And just like that blind man, I need Jesus to open my eyes. But the only way I can get Him to open my eyes is to open my heart. So, believe it or not, I got down on my knees tonight, right here in my own bedroom, and I asked Jesus to come into my heart. I stayed there waiting for what seemed a pretty long time, and I didn’t really feel any different. I guess I sort of wondered why it wasn’t working when
kazam
, it felt just like electricity running through me. Now, I gotta ask you, is that normal? Did you feel like you just got zapped when you invited Jesus into your heart, or am I just special, or maybe even weird? I really need to know. Love, Tiffany.”
“And you never wrote her back?” said Allie. “I never even read these e-mails until
tonight,” I reminded her. I’d already tried to explain my little guilt trip over this to them, but apparently Allie wasn’t quite awake yet.
“Are there more?” asked Caitlin.
“Yeah, there’s a bunch more.”
And so I continued to read. And to everyone’s great relief, Tiffany’s electrical jolt did prove to be the real thing, and she did believe she had given her heart to Jesus.
“Listen to this,” I told them.
“I had to forgive someone today, Chloe. So far I’ve only told God and now you. But back when I was a little kid and my mom was married to Jeff, my stepdad at the time, well, he did things to me that he shouldn’t have done. It’s hard to say the words out loud, but I think I can write them. Jeff sexually abused me. He did it quite a few times too. He always bought me a toy or ice cream afterward and told me that if I told anyone I’d get into really big trouble. And so I never did. Even after my mom divorced him, I never forgot. It’s one of those creepy things that goes with you every single day of your life. It messes with your mind, Chloe. I don’t know how else to explain it. And I think it messed me up good.
But tonight I realized, after reading my new Bible, that I have to forgive Jeff. And so I asked God to help me. And I think that I’ve done it. But I do have a question: Do I have to like him now? Because I still really don’t like him. And if I saw him today, I’d probably feel pretty cruddy. Does that mean I didn’t really forgive him? Do I have to forgive him again?
Oh, man, I have so many questions, Chloe. And so far you haven’t even written back. Oh well, I suppose you’re pretty busy doing all those concerts and everything. I keep thinking I’m going to get tickets and come to one of them, but then I have this stupid job at the pizza place at the mall, and well, I’m not very good at saving up money. But maybe I’ll get to do it one of these days. Until then. Love, Tiffany.”
“Wow,” said Beanie. “That’s amazing. It seems like God was really working on that girl’s heart.”
“I feel so bad that I never read these,” I said. “I wish I could’ve written back.”
“What’s the next one say?” asked Allie eagerly.
Well, it was already after two in the morning, but I knew I wasn’t going to bed anytime soon. And so I read another.
“This is dated August 15,” I told them.
“Hey Chloe, it looks like you’re never going to answer my e-mail, are you? I saw your mom at the mall today, and I asked her if you had been abducted or something. Just kidding. But I told her I hadn’t heard from you, and she said that you were super-duper busy and didn’t even have time to talk to your own parents very much. So I’ve forgiven you for not answering me. And you know what else? I’ve decided that I’m going to just keep writing you anyway. I don’t care if you ever read any of these letters. You know why? Because it’s sort of good for me to write them. It’s kind of like therapy, you know? And after I get done I always feel better.”
I paused then. “That’s sort of like how I feel about my diary.”
“Keep reading,” urged Allie.
“Anyway I was reading in my Bible today, the part about loving my enemies, and there’s this really mean girl where I work who acts like she totally hates my guts. I swear she’s trying to get me fired. And one
day she stole my tips. Anyway, it hits me like—boom, a flash of lightning—I need to love this chick. Her name is Frannie Campbell and she’s kind of chubby and homely and smells like onions and fish. But I’ve decided if that’s really what God wants, I will try to love her. But let me tell you, she is one unlovable lady. Also, I want you to know that I am praying for you and your band now. I hope you’re okay and having a great time being famous. Love, Tiffany.”
“She’s a crack-up,” said Beanie. “I think I would’ve liked this girl.”
“Well, she wasn’t always like that,” said Laura.
“Maybe she was starting to change,” said Allie.
“Or maybe she was like that,” I said, “but we were just too busy to notice.”
“Are there any more?” asked Caitlin.
“Just two,” I told them. So I read the next one, and it was more about Frannie and how she could get really gross when she had gas, which actually made us all laugh pretty hard. Then finally the last one, dated September 2, the day before the accident.
“Dear Chloe, I hope everything’s going really great for you and your band. Your mom told me that you guys will be back in school next week, and I can’t wait to see you in person and tell you everything that’s been happening in my life. I’ll bet you won’t even believe me. I had the day off today. I think it was a scheduling mistake since the mall is busier than ever with back-to-school shoppers. Just the same, I was really glad not to have to go to work. And at first I thought maybe I’d head over to the mall to do some back-to-school shopping for myself, then I decided, nah, I’d rather just hang out around home.
“And you know what? My dad, I mean my real dad, showed up totally unexpected on this amazing Harley that he’d recently bought from a friend. He was visiting his parents, but he came over and took me for a ride on his new hog. I wanted to ask him how much it cost since he’s been a little lazy about child support lately, but then I realized that maybe that would be rude. So instead I decided to just enjoy hanging with him since I hadn’t seen him for like five years.
“Anyway, we rode out to the lake and just sat and talked for a while. And I told him about how I’d invited Jesus into my heart and how it was changing my life and how I was so much happier—you know, all that good stuff. Oh, he tried to be nice about it, but he just didn’t get it. So I told him it wasn’t all that long ago that my good friend Chloe Miller (famous girl rock star) was telling me these exact same things and I didn’t get them either. ‘Don’t worry, Dad,’ I told him. ‘When God is ready and you are ready, you’ll get it then.’ And I really think he will. Just like you couldn’t push me into God’s arms, I know I can’t push my dad either. But I’m praying for him. Because I know he’s one unhappy dude. Mostly he just complained about his life to me and how he’s made so many stupid mistakes. Well, duh. It’s not like I don’t know. I mean, it was his stupid mistakes that got me all messed up by Jeff my step-dad. But I didn’t tell him any of this. I figure there’s only so much a person can handle at one time.
“Anyway, he’s coming over tomorrow and we’re going to take a day trip up into the hills and maybe even go fishing. Weird. Can you imagine a girl like me, who
doesn’t like to mess her nails or hair, actually going fishing??? Well, I am changing, Chloe. Just you wait and see! Love always, Tiffany.”
Okay, now I was crying again. But they weren’t the miserable tears of guilt and grief and confusion. They were a mix of happy tears and regret that I hadn’t taken the time to answer these e-mails and gotten to know Tiffany better. I looked up from my computer to see that everyone in the room was crying too. Soon we were all hugging, and finally we sat down and just prayed. We prayed for both of Tiffany’s parents, and very specifically, her dad. And we prayed for a lot of things, and finally it was almost five in the morning.
“Maybe we should get some sleep,” said Caitlin. “Since we’re heading out at eight.”
So we got about two hours’ sleep before we loaded our stuff and our tired selves into the bus. Then we mostly slept off and on throughout the day until Rosy finally pulled into our hometown around midnight tonight. It was so great being met by my dad, loaded into his car, and driven home, where I am about to go to sleep in my very own bed again. Yes, I am totally worn out and weary, but ever so thankful to be home again.
HOME AT LAST
i want to tiptoe
through my house
take it all in
like a mouse
to smell the smells
breathe the air
to hear the squeak
on the top stair
to feel the rug
’neath my feet
to hear the clock
tick so sweet
to see the window
in my room
where i have stood
to watch the moon
to feel the softness
of my bed
to feel my pillow
’neath my head
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I called my mom at her work yesterday morning while we were on the road and asked if she’d contact Tiffany’s mom to let her know our band would like to play a song or two for the memorial service if that was all right with Tiffany’s family. Mom promised me she would let them know. As it turned out, Tiffany’s mom was really touched and said that Tiffany would’ve really liked that.