Existence (7 page)

However, with my two best friends in the room it would be awkward. I didn’t want them to leave me because having them here felt like a security blanket. I glanced back at Leif and I could see in his eyes he wanted to talk to me without the audience but he wouldn’t ask them to leave. The thought of him sleeping in the waiting room all night because he felt 46

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guilty seemed unfair. I needed to ease his conscious so he could go home.

I turned to Miranda and Wyatt. “Could you two give us a minute?”

Miranda glared over at Leif and nodded. I watched as she stood up. Staring at Leif wasn’t something new for Miranda but glaring at him was. After I rectified the situation with Leif I would need to clear things up with my friends as well.

Once the door closed behind them, I turned my attention to him.

“Yesterday, I…. God.” He ran his hand through his messy, blond hair and closed his eyes. “You’re here because of me. I know you left because you were upset. I could see it in your eyes but I didn’t know how to make you talk to me.” He stopped again and gazed down at me. “I can never express to you how sorry I am.”

I shook my head. “This wasn’t your fault. I made a stupid decision.”

“No, it is my fault. I could see the tears in your eyes, Pagan, and it was killing me but I couldn’t find the right words. I wanted to explain but I did a poor job.” I couldn’t let him take the blame for my stupidity. “Stop blaming yourself. I will admit that I acted foolishly over you not showing up or calling. I did let the fact you were with Kendra upset me and that was silly. I don’t know why I let it upset me like it did. Crying over a guy isn’t something I do.

The fact I was fighting back tears confused me and I left.” He reached out and gently touched one of the two dozen pink roses sitting on a table by the window. “You left because I hurt you. That makes this my fault,” he replied simply. I didn’t want him beating himself up over this. He needed to get over it and go home.

“Leif, I’m your tutor. We aren’t even friends. You can miss a session and forget to call me, and I shouldn’t let that hurt me. I read more into our relationship than I should have. You have never insinuated we were more than study 47

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partners. We don’t speak at school; we don’t see each other except at my house when we are working. This was my fault.

Stop blaming yourself and go home.” I said the last with a softness to my voice so it didn’t sound rude. He frowned and walked over to stand beside my bed.

“You think I only see you as my tutor?” he asked. I nodded, unsure of his meaning. He gave me a sad smirk.

“That would be my fault too. I have never had a problem letting a girl know I’m interested...until you.” I wasn’t sure what he meant so I remained silent. He sat down in the chair Miranda vacated moments ago.

“I knew you didn’t like me when you agreed to tutor me.

You didn’t have to tell me that day in the hall when you said you’d turned me down because you didn't like me. I’ve always known you didn’t like me, but I wanted you to be my tutor. I wanted you to be the one to know my secret. Never did I expect the one girl who looked at me with disdain would be so much fun. It came as a surprise to find out the girl I’d been watching since our freshman year in high school happened to be just as beautiful on the inside as she was on the outside. You surprised me and it didn’t take much to hook me.” A sad smile touched his lips. “Yet, at school you still seemed as untouchable as always, so I kept my distance.

I tried speaking to you and even got up the nerve to ask you out but your disinterest scared me. I didn’t want to make our nights together uncomfortable, so I didn’t ask for anything more. I looked forward to our nights all day long. I couldn’t mess those up.”

He dropped his gaze down to his hands, which he’d fisted in his lap. “Then Kendra called and she started crying, saying she needed to talk to someone and I was the only person she trusted. I told her I had somewhere to be but she cried harder and begged me. I agreed to stop by her house. She is dealing with some things in her home life that I already knew about and she needed someone to listen. When I realized I wasn’t going to be able to leave her, I wanted to call but I 48

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couldn’t call you in front of her and explain it. So, I didn’t. I was just going to deal with the bad grade. I had no idea you would even care.” He glanced up at me with a pained expression on his face. “I was wrong and I’ve never been so mad at myself.” He stood, shoving his hands in his jeans pockets with a look of defeat on his face.

I smiled. “Please don’t be mad at yourself. I don’t blame you for anything.” I wanted to say more but I couldn’t. He watched me a moment before nodding.

“Is there a chance I haven’t completely screwed things up between us?” he asked.

“What is it you’re worried about screwing up? I’ll still tutor you, if that’s what you’re asking.” He chuckled softly and gently took my hand. “I’m really grateful that you’ll remain my tutor but that isn’t what I’m asking. I was scared before of messing things up but I don’t think I can mess anything up any more than I already have.” He sat back down in the chair beside me and gazed at me with baby blue eyes that were framed in such thick lashes it made it hard not to sigh. “I don’t want you to just be my tutor. I want you to be the girl I look for in the halls every morning and save a seat for in the cafeteria. I want you to be the one waiting for me when I walk off the field at my games.

I want you to be the one I pick up the phone to call just to make me smile.” His eyes watched me. Leif Montgomery actually appeared nervous.

He was waiting for me to say something. I could see the question in his eyes. Leif wanted to take this to a level I’d thought I wanted before, so why was it so hard to accept now? Fear flickered in his eyes and I managed to nod my head. I’d agreed to let things change between us, but somehow, deep down, something didn’t feel right.

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I remained in the hospital for an entire week. Every night, I went to sleep to the gentle strum of a guitar. When I would wake in the middle of the night it was never to an empty hospital room but to the dark, mysterious soul I’d grown attached to. He sat in the shadows and played a lullaby I’d decided belonged to me.

Every day Leif would come directly after his football practice with the food I’d requested smuggled inside his leather jacket. We would work on his homework, and then watch television and eat the food he brought. Being with Leif made me smile. I loved every moment we spent together.

However, at night when the soul sat in my room and played for me, music seemed to fill the lonely places. I had a need for the soul I didn’t understand. My desire for him scared, and fascinated me. My last night in the hospital his voice joined the strum of the guitar. He put words to my lullaby.

“The life I walk binds my hands

it makes me take things that I don’t understand
I walk this dark world unknowing of what they hold
true,

forgetting the me I once knew,

until you.

The life I walk eternally was all I knew
nothing more held me here to this earth
until you.

I feel the pain of every heart I take
I feel the desire to replace all that I have grown to hate
Darkness holds me close but the light still draws my
empty soul

The emptiness where I used pain to fill the hole
no longer controls me, no longer calls me
because of you.”

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As my eyelids grew heavy and sleep crept over me, my heart ached for the pain in his words. They were words I knew meant more to him than I understood. The song he’d filled my nights with was much deeper than anything I’d ever known.

Miranda ran up to me the moment Leif opened the front door of the school and held it for me as I walked inside. The excitement on her face caused her brown eyes to twinkle. I smiled, waiting on her to explain the cause for her joyous behavior on a Monday morning. My being back at school couldn’t be the reason for the euphoria on her face. Since I’d come home from the hospital she’d spent a good deal of time with me. My returning to school wouldn’t cause this response.

She stopped and glanced up at Leif. He cleared his throat.

“Um, I’ll see you in a few minutes,” he excused himself with a smile and headed toward my locker carrying my books.

“Okay, he’s gone. Now, tell me what has you in such good spirits this morning.”

She linked her arm in mine and leaned close to my ear.

“Dank Walker is here. Like, at our school. Like, as in, enrolled at our school. Can you believe it? I mean, I know he went to a high school in Mobile, Alabama up until last year when his band landed a hit song and started playing all over the United States instead of just the Southeast. GAH! Can you believe he is here! At our school? I guess if he had to go back to high school, our little quaint coastal town is preferable to somewhere in Alabama. But still, I can’t believe this.”

I couldn’t help but smile at Miranda’s excitement even if I didn’t have a clue who Dank Walker was. I’d never heard of him or his band before. I followed Miranda’s giddy expression when my eyes found the soul. Last night I’d fought sleep to see if he would appear in my bedroom and sing me to sleep. He hadn’t come. Seeing him now made me want to sigh in relief. The thought that I might not see him 51

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again had scared me. I smiled at him knowing I should act as if he wasn’t there but I couldn’t. Somewhere along the way, I’d come to rely on his presence. His dark blue eyes were pleased and less haunted than I remembered. I wanted to walk up to him and say something but I couldn’t in this hall full of people. He nodded as if answering a question but his eyes never left mine. A tight smile formed on his face to replace the pleased smile I’d received. Then, as if in slow motion, he turned his attention to the blond girl who stood giggling and holding up a magazine and a pen for him to take.

I watched as if lost in a strange dream as he smiled and nodded at the girl’s words. He signed the magazine she thrust into his hands and handed it back to her. I heard Miranda saying something beside me but it sounded as if she were miles away. Something was wrong. I took a step toward him unable to look away. He smiled at me with his sexy, crooked grin that produced his one perfect dimple. Suddenly his smile seemed apologetic as he once again turned from me to take something from the hands of another girl and signed it. I froze, trying to process what my eyes were seeing.

“Okay, Pagan, you’re really going to have to snap out of it.

Leif is coming and if he sees you looking at Dank Walker like you want to gobble him up there is going to be a problem.” I tore my eyes from the soul and stared over at my friend.

“What?” I managed to ask through the questions swarming in my head.

Miranda grinned and shook her head. “Jeez, girl, you’re worse than me. At least I didn’t go that whack when I saw him in the office earlier. Of course, he didn’t seem real bothered by your reaction either. Which is a good thing, considering you seem a might bit stalkerish.” I shook my head not understanding. “What?” I asked again.

“I’ve figured out the big news,” Leif said from behind me, and I knew I should turn and look at him but I couldn’t just 52

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yet. Everyone could see the soul. Nothing made sense. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath and then opened them to see Miranda watching me with an amused expression on her face.

“You see him?” I asked in a whisper. Her gaze flickered cautiously behind me to where I knew Leif stood and then they darted over to where the soul stood.

Once her eyes came back to mine she nodded slowly.

“Um, yes, but what ‘him’ are we talking about?” she asked in a hushed whisper. I glanced quickly over to where the soul was still talking to students and signing things. Miranda leaned close to my ear. “That is Dank Walker, everyone sees him. Did you take some serious pain meds this morning?

Because you’re acting strange.”

Dank Walker. The soul,
my
soul, was Dank Walker the rocker? A hand rested on my shoulder and I turned slowly around to face Leif. His concerned frown was identical to Miranda’s. I shook my head to clear it and forced a smile.

“Mom made me take some of my pain pills this morning and I think they’re messing with my head,” I lied, grasping at the excuse Miranda had just given me. Leif smiled and slipped his arm protectively around my shoulders.

“Ah, well, I’ll take care of you. Come on, let’s get you to your first class. I’ve already got your books.” I walked beside Leif, relieved, yet disappointed we wouldn’t be walking past the soul. I kept waiting to see if I would wake up from this strange dream and hear the soul playing softly in my room.

I arrived at English Literature before I realized Leif had been guiding me to it. He turned me around to face him. “If you need me, text me and I will be here in a second, okay?” I nodded and he gave me a quick kiss before turning and leaving me at the door of my classroom. I walked inside, fighting the urge to glance back and see the crowd of people around the soul, whom they called Dank Walker. I sat down at the first desk I came to and started to open my book when a warm tingling ran through my body. Startled, I glanced up.