Existence (16 page)

He took it in his hands and then turned directly toward the tent. Directly toward me.

“You want what you can’t have. I see it in your eyes. The
pain that fills your nights
is
because of my pack of lies. I’ve
opened up the door for you to walk away. There’s a better
path for you even though I want you to stay. I’ve broken the
rules, I’ve veered from the path but when I met you I knew
to save you was worth the wrath. Let me leave now before
it’s too late. Let me leave now before you know what I am
and your love becomes hate.

Walk away from me before I break down and take you
with me. You can’t go where I’m going you can’t walk
through my Hell. Walk away from me before I break down
and take you with me. My path is meant for only me. There
is no way to take you too. I’ve given you life when it was in
my hands to give you death. Walk away from me.

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I watch the life I know you will lead without me here. It’s
what you deserve it is where you belong it is everything I
want but everything I fear. Once I met you I knew I had to
save you but you saved me. Now I’m turning away and
letting you run free. Not one moment will I forget there is a
fire inside me that you lit with your touch. Hurting you
wasn’t the plan but it must happen by my hand.

Walk away from me before I break down and take you
with me. You can’t go where I’m going you can’t walk
through my Hell. Walk away from me before I break down
and take you with me. My path is meant for only me. There
is no way to take you too. I’ve given you life when it was in
my hands to give you death. Walk away from me.”

My hands trembled in my lap. His gaze never left mine.

The words were meant for me. I couldn’t manage to breathe past the pain constricting my throat. Why was he doing this?

Hadn’t he hurt me enough? The tears stinging my eyes would fall free, rolling down my cheeks announcing to my friends how much Dank’s words affected me. They couldn’t know.

No one could. I stood up and walked away. I couldn’t sit there and listen anymore. In some sort of desperate trance I pushed past screaming fans and sweaty bodies. I could breathe if I could just get away; put some distance between me and his words. Once I stepped out of the tent, I turned and ran toward the darkness. Away from the fear. I wasn’t scared of him but I was scared of his words. He was leaving.

My stomach clenched at the thought and I ran harder until the sandy beach was dark and empty. The sound of the music played in the distance and I glanced back over my shoulder to see if Leif or Miranda had managed to follow me. No one was coming. I was truly alone. Gasping for breath I dropped to my knees and let out the sob I’d been fighting to hold in since he began singing. Hot tears trailed down my face. My chest hurt so badly, and deep breaths were impossible.

The night air dropped several degrees. It wasn’t my pain 113

Existence

stifling my breathing, it was the coldness that came with her.

I turned around slowly, knowing she was there watching me.

I could feel her presence. She was icy fear. Yet the aching black hole Dank had left in my chest made the danger she possessed pale in comparison. I stood up and faced her, realizing my fear had been replaced with hate. She no longer scared me. She made me angry. Something about her appearance caused Dank distress and it made me want to hurt her for the part she was playing in my pain. I glared at her as the blond hair floated, unhindered by the gulf breeze.

“What is it you want from me?” I yelled through my tears.

I took a step toward her, clenching my hands into fists. I didn’t want her to think she could make me cower. I didn’t want her to think she could frighten me anymore. Her tinkling giggle filled the darkness around us.

“It is appointed,” she said in a voice I had grown to abhor.

“What is appointed? Huh? Do you even know? Get a freaking life and leave me the Hell alone!” I stepped closer to her, wanting to take a swing at her but knowing it wouldn’t do any good.

Her tinkling laughter turned into a deep sinister laugh.

“It was appointed and he broke the rules.” Her laughter died and she glared back at me. “You! He broke the rules for you!

Why you? What is it about you? A simple human with an appointed time. It was all very simple yet he made it all so difficult.” She crooked her finger at me. “Come on, come closer and I’ll right his wrong.” I swallowed and the fear I thought I’d overcome was slowly returning. Dank had also said she’d come to right a wrong.

“What wrong?” I asked.

She tilted her head as if studying me. “You are different than the others. I suppose that was intriguing to him. His existence is rather monotonous.”

I fought back the urge to lunge at her, knowing full well I’d probably go right through her. She wanted me to come closer. I needed to keep my distance. I shook my head and 114

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took a step back. In a blur of light she was standing in front of me and my breath began to grow even more shallow. I tried to step back but an icy hand wrapped around my wrist and began pulling me with a force I couldn’t fight against toward the crashing waves. The first splash of cold, salty water startled me. This was real. This time I was alone and no one would hear me.

I began kicking and fighting but she continued to drag me out into the gulf with little effort. There was no chance I would survive out in the deep water. The waves were getting taller and she was pulling me under. She was going to drown me. Couldn’t she just kill me by suffocating me as she had begun to do at school before Dank had interrupted? The lights and music danced in the distance.This time I was alone and no one would save me. Strangely enough I didn’t want to scream. I didn’t fear death any longer. But I wish I’d been able to say goodbye.

I closed my eyes as the water reached my chin and the first wave crashed over my head. As I allowed my body to go limp and accept this fate, I heard someone scream my name.

Had someone found me out here? I started to jerk away from her grasp and call out but it dawned on me she’d probably just take their life too. She wasn’t here for them. I had to go silently. Whoever had come for me didn’t deserve this fate.

A bright flash of light filled the dark water and my wrist was immediately released from her icy grip. I fought to find the surface of the water and draw air into my burning lungs.

“
NO!
I said NO! I made this choice and I broke this rule but it was mine to break. I have let your interference go unpunished long enough. This ends now.” I wanted to open my eyes and see him. I could hear him but the salt water stinging my eyes was making it impossible.

Another wave crashed over me and I began kicking frantically as water filled my unprepared nose. Warm arms encircled my waist and I clung to them knowing they 115

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belonged to him. I was safe now. My head broke the surface and I began to choke on the salt water.

“Here, let me.” Dank wiped my eyes with a cool cloth and the stinging disappeared as did my coughing. It was as if I’d never been forced under cold sea waves. Finally I could see Dank’s face. He was holding me again.

“Why, Pagan?” He closed his eyes and touched his forehead to mine and took a deep breath. “Why? You knew she was still stalking you. You felt her. Why did you come out here alone? Did you want to find her? Did you think facing her alone was the answer?”

I shook my head and stared up into his eyes so close to mine. “No, I just wanted to get away. I needed to think.

Watching you….” I stopped before saying any more.

A sad smile touched his mouth. “All she could do was attempt to kill you. In order for you to truly face death, Death would have had to come and take you. That wasn’t going to happen.” He stopped and took in a ragged breath before touching his lips to my head. His lips moved to my cheek before lingering over my mouth. “As much as I want to kiss you, I can’t.” He let out a soft chuckle. “You frustrating girl.

You’re like no other soul I’ve ever known.” I touched his face and leaned forward to touch my lips to his but he pulled back and shook his head. “No,” he whispered, “Don’t. I can’t.

You’re too special. My desire for you overpowers what I know is best for you. I can’t risk that again.”

“Don’t leave me,” I begged.

He touched my lips with his fingertip. “I won’t. At least not tonight.”

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“What did you do all weekend? Leif said you hadn’t felt well after the concert. I thought I would hear something from you. But I got nothing, nada. Cold Soul was rocking awesome. You should have stayed afterward. We met the band, well except for their lead singer, Dank. He left earlier or something. I didn’t care, it was amazing! I could have kissed Daddy’s face for that one.” Miranda hooked her arm in mine as she babbled on. I scanned the hall, needing to see Dank somewhere in the sea of faces. “Who’re you looking for?” There was a touch of interest in Miranda’s voice. Dank was nowhere in the crowd, however, Kendra was and she was flirting openly with Justin. That seemed strange.

“Have you seen Dank this morning?” I asked, looking at Miranda and praying she didn’t read any more into my question.

Her forehead wrinkled in a frown. “Dank as in Dank Walker, the lead singer of Cold Soul?” I nodded and scanned the lockers. “Yes, Dank,” I repeated. The confused frown on Miranda’s face triggered an alarm bell in my head.

“Um, are you taking those pain meds again, sweetie? Why would the lead singer of Cold Soul be here?” Something was very wrong. Panic swelled in my chest.

“Good morning,” Leif said as he walked up to me and slipped his arm around my shoulders.

Miranda glanced up at him with a worried smile.

“Morning, Leif. It’s so sweet that you go get all her books the minute you two arrive. Would you think of giving Wyatt some pointers?”

“No way.” Leif chuckled and squeezed my shoulders gently. Normally having him close helped me when I was on the verge of panic. However, right now I needed to know where Dank was and why Miranda didn’t seem to know what I was talking about.

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I glanced up at Leif. “Have you seen Dank?” The same confused frown came over his face.

“Who?” he asked, equally confused.

“She asked me the same thing. I’m thinking she might have had to take some pain meds again this morning. Are you still hurting? Does your mom know? ‘Cause, girl, you are a trippin’ on something if you think that Dank Walker is at our school.” Miranda and Leif were both looking at me as if I was a need for concern. I glanced over at Kendra, who was draped around Justin.

“Is Kendra dating Justin now?” I asked in a tone I hoped was conversational and didn’t betray the panic raging inside me.

Leif’s frown deepened. “They’ve been dating for months now. Are you okay, Pagan?”

I forced a smile and nodded. “Oh, um, I forgot. No, I’m fine. I just need to make a stop into the restroom before I go to first period.” I stood on my tippy toes, kissed Leif quickly on the lips, and headed off the other way. I needed to escape their scrutiny so I could think. Dank was gone and no one remembered him.

The restroom was blessedly empty. I dropped my books down on the damp counter and leaned against the wall for support. My heart contracted so painfully in my chest I feared it might just stop working. Someone came inside and I turned to walk into a stall. I needed privacy for my mental breakdown. But after only two steps it dawned on me the door to the restroom had never opened. I froze, took a deep breath, and then peered back at the other occupant. A dark-haired teenage girl had drifted through the wall. I turned and took a step toward her and she noticed me. She seemed surprised I could see her and a smile broke out on her face.

“Who are you?” I asked, but she only watched me. “Can you talk to me?” I was no longer worried about ignoring them. Maybe they held the answers. She shook her head and her smile turned sad. She drifted closer to me and reached 118

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out and touched my hair. Nothing. No shiver or chill. It was as if she wasn’t there. This was what I’d always known of souls. “Why can’t you speak?” I asked and she moved until she was standing in front of me. She shook her head at me as if correcting me from asking that question. “You aren’t allowed to talk to me or you can’t?” I wasn’t scared of her. I knew she had no power to hurt me. Her frown grew agitated and she shook her head again and backed away from me slowly.

I took a step closer to her. “Please, I need some answers and I think you could help me.” Her frown turned fearful and she continued shaking her head and backing away from me as if I were something to be frightened of. “Please,” I begged and at my last plea she turned and vanished into the wall.

I stared at the wall until the restroom door opened and a freshman girl walked in. She stopped and studied me. I must have looked like an idiot standing there staring at an empty wall. I smiled at her reassuringly. Maybe this incident wouldn’t make it all over school. Not that I cared if people talked about me. I just didn’t need Miranda and Leif worrying over me anymore. Besides, I needed answers and I was so tired of waiting around for Dank to tell me. The young soul hadn’t been able to help me for reasons I couldn’t understand. However, I had a feeling that if I kept searching I would soon find one who was ready to talk or could talk.