Ex-Factor (Diamond Girls) (22 page)

His voice trailed off in my head, and my heart bottomed out at those words.
Especially with everything we’ve shared about our pasts.
I hadn’t shared everything with him. There was more he didn’t know, information that would possibly make him see me in a different light. My stomach heaved and I wanted to hurl.

I caught the tail end of his speech. “And I know you’d never intentionally set out to hurt someone. People make mistakes, Nev. God knows I’ve made mistakes I’ll be living with for the rest of my life. I’m not gonna judge you for keeping stuff from your friend when I know your heart was in the right place.”

Bodie’s empathy was killing me. I didn’t deserve his compassion, or his forgiveness.  Distraught and completely raw, I blurted out my secret in a mad, breathy rush. “My ex-boyfriend was the drunk who killed my father.”

A wall of silence came between us.

Bodie stared at me, mouth open for a moment, before dropping his hands, and leaning away. “What? Your ex? Wait… what?”

It was as I’d feared. I knew opening up and telling Bodie about Nate would be a game-changer. But I couldn’t stand lying to him about it anymore. Not after he’d bared his soul to me about his accident. Not after everything that had gone down with Erin and Eli. I owed Bodie the truth about my past, and though I was sure it would destroy our relationship, I knew it was the right thing to do.

“I trained as an elite gymnast for most of my childhood. My mom homeschooled me during that time, and I didn’t have the opportunity to make a lot of friends. My mom was my best friend, and after she was gone I just felt so alone. My dad enrolled me in public school, and it sucked. It sucked so bad. I didn’t know anyone. I had no friends for the longest time, and then it just sort of happened. Out of desperation, I guess. I fell in with the wrong people.”

The inside of my mouth was dry and sticky, and my eyes felt like someone had taken a blowtorch to them from my recent bout of tears. I was positive I both looked and sounded a wretched mess, but I continued on. Dug deep into my bag of dirty laundry and showed him my filthiest, most shameful secret.

“The so-called friends I made weren’t my friends at all. They were hardcore partiers who cared about getting tanked or lit more than anything or anyone else.” A frantic laugh blew past my lips, and I shook my head. “And I was too messed up in the head over my mom to care. That’s when I got involved with a guy named Nate. Nate Lansing.”

Bodie’s jaw locked when I mentioned Nate, and his eyes grew dark, stormy.

I sucked in a garbled breath and blew it out forcefully in an effort to staunch some of the tension crippling my shoulders. It didn’t work.

“Nate was just like Eli, only worse. And I was so lost and lonely. I convinced myself I was in love with him.” A sticky, uncomfortable flush crawled across my skin as a fresh round of tears started. “He broke up with me a week after we…”
God! I can’t believe I’m telling him this.

Bodie’s hand shot up. “Stop. Please. Just stop right there. I don’t want to know. I can’t think about you and some other…” His words trailed off and he looked away, jaw tight, fists clenched.

A giant lump had formed in my throat, and no matter how hard I tried, it wouldn’t go down. It felt like someone had shoved a one-pound bag of cotton into my mouth and screamed at me to swallow. It just wasn’t happening.

I couldn’t bear to look Bodie in the eye, so I kept my eyes down and picked at the pilly fabric beneath me. “I was messed up before I started dating Nate. But after he ditched me,” I shook my head. “I was positively wrecked. Drinking was the only thing that numbed the pain, so I partied even harder than before. Started lying to my dad about where I was. Turning off my phone so he couldn’t track me with GPS.”

My chest ached, my words and the lump in my throat both doing their level best to choke the life from me. “I was at a party the night my dad died. Nate was there too, with some other girl I didn’t know. I watched him get tanked and leave with the girl, and I didn’t do anything. I was too messed up myself to say anything.” The bitter taste of shame burned at the back of my throat. “And if I’m being honest, I was too pissed off at him to care.”

My entire body shook as I cried, and it took a moment for me to get the last bit out. “My dad was a cop, for God’s sake. I knew the rules, had heard all the warnings about drinking and driving a million times, and I just didn’t care. My silence killed my father.” I crumpled forward and buried my face in my hands. “I killed my father, Bodie. I’m a murderer.”

Bodie’s hands were on me almost instantly, lifting me back into his lap.

He rocked me back and forth, murmuring a gentle “shh” in my ear as he stroked my hair. He didn’t offer any words. Didn’t tell me everything would be okay, and that with time I’d heal. That type of talk was futile, and he knew it. Instead he just held me tight, rubbed my back, ran his hand along the length of my hair, and sat with me in silence.

It was exactly what I needed.

And completely shocking, as I’d been sure he’d leave once the truth finally came out.

I cried for what seemed like hours. Obviously, that wasn’t the case. But whenever I felt distraught or hopeless, everything seemed bigger and more dramatic than it really was. Minutes took hours. Hours took days.

My sobbing eventually trailed off into soft, hiccupping breaths, and I sat in silence, snuggled against Bodie’s chest as the sun finally set. Brilliant stars that remained hidden from my eyes while in town blazed a powerful diamond white against the dark backdrop of the night sky. “You stayed,” I said, finally having mustered the strength and courage to speak again.

Bodie kissed the top of my head, then pressed his cheek against my hair as he tightened his hold on me. His heart thumped a comforting beat against my ear. “What?” His voice was a deep rumble against the side of my face. “You thought I wouldn’t? What kind of a person do you think I am, Nev?”

I pulled away from him to look into his eyes. “I think you’re an amazing person. A person who made a tragic mistake he’ll have to live with for the rest of his life. A mistake he isn’t allowing to hold him back from becoming better and stronger than he once was.”

Bodie cupped my cheek and ran a thumb along my cheekbone. “I see the same things in you, Nev. You and me, we’re no different. What happened the night your dad died was awful, tragic. You made a bad decision you can’t take back. A decision you’ll regret for the rest of your life.” He shook his head and breathed in deep. “I’ll never judge you for making the same mistake I did, Nev. Ever.”

His expression was fierce, full of emotion and need. He pressed his lips to my forehead, then drew my head to his chest with a groan. “But what I will do, baby, is be there for you when you need me. I’ll listen when you need to talk. I’ll hold you when you cry, and I’ll never, never judge you.”

Grabbing hold of my waist, he moved me so that I sat straddling him with my chest pressed to his. He cupped my face in his hands and pulled back, the light from the moon casting a soft glow over his handsome features. “Tell me I’m not crazy, Doll Face. Tell me you feel the same way I do.”

My eyes narrowed and I exhaled a breathless sounding gasp. Was he serious? Did he really not know how I felt? I placed my hands on top of his and struggled to breathe. “Don’t you know, Bodie? I’m yours—since the first day of school when you scowled at me. It’s only ever been about you for me.”
It will only ever be about you for me.

His body shuddered against mine, and he exhaled the breath he’d been holding. “Fucking thank God,” he said with a glorious smile before attacking my lips with a toe-curling kiss. His hands were everywhere.

In my hair.

Rubbing my back.

Kneading my ass.

Pulling me closer.

Not close enough.

He pulled his mouth from mine and trailed his lips down my neck, setting my skin on fire. I wanted him. God, I wanted him badly.

My heart swelled with emotion. Bodie knew every last detail of my wretched life, and despite all of the ugliness, he still wanted to be there for me. He still wanted to be with me. I didn’t know why. I’d never understand it. At that point I just didn’t care. Bodie was my safe place. He was my air, and with him by my side, I could finally breathe and be myself.

I peppered his mouth with kisses, my breaths coming in short, shallow pants. “I love you, Bodie.” My hands trailed up the back of his arms. My fingers dug into the steely flesh at the back of his shoulders, and I ghosted my lips down the warm skin on his neck. “I don’t deserve you,” I said breathlessly. “But God, I love you.”

We crashed onto the blanket in a tangle of arms and legs. His mouth found mine effortlessly, his tongue dancing in time with mine to a lusty tune neither of us could shake.

He let out a deep groan as he hitched my leg over his hip and ground himself against me again and again. His soft lips sent licks of fire dancing across my skin as they caressed their way down the length of my neck.

I let my hands slide up and down the thick grooved muscles on his back, tugging, pulling, kneading his taut flesh, and wishing the shirt he wore would somehow magically disappear. His hands, his lips, I felt them everywhere and I couldn’t hold back the moan that escaped my throat. He was driving me crazy and I wanted more.

His hand that clutched the back of my leg trailed up over the front of my hip, his fingers running a torturous back and forth pattern across the sliver of flesh between my denim waistband and the hem of my shirt.

I shivered beneath his body, my soft sigh encouragement enough for him to slide his hand beneath my shirt fully. His hands felt rough against my overheated skin, and I gasped when his palm cupped the lace-covered swell of my breast. His hands, his mouth, they felt so good, and I wanted to cry out in despair when he pulled away suddenly. Why was he stopping?

With a labored groan, Bodie lifted his mouth from the base of my neck, and peered down at me with hooded eyes. “God, Nev. You feel so good. I want you so bad, but…”

And there it was. My heart fell.
But
was the one word I didn’t want to hear.
But
was a word used when someone was about to walk away.
Why now? Why was he rejecting me now?
I’d shared everything with him. Told him my secret. Told him I loved him
. Oh, God!
He hadn’t said it back. I blew it. Told him too much, too soon. Scared him away.

Fresh tears clouded my eyes, and I looked away, lower lip trembling.

“Doll Face, no.” He cupped my cheek and forced me to meet his eyes. “Baby, please don’t cry. It’s not what you think.” His breathing was as rapid as mine, and he sucked in a long, slow breath before gathering me in his arms and rolling us onto our sides. “I can’t believe I’m actually going to say this, but I don’t want to rush things with you, Nev. The way I feel about you, I’ve never felt like this about anyone. I… I love you, Doll Face. I want to take things slow, savor each moment.” He brushed my hair out of my face and kissed my jaw softly. “That’s why it’s taken me so long to kiss you again. Before the accident, I was selfish. If something felt good I did it. If I wanted something I took it. I never stopped to consider the consequences, never worried about anyone’s feelings. I don’t want to make that mistake with you.” He cupped my cheek and leaned in for another kiss. “And when and if we decide to take it to the next level, I want it to be perfect. Not some frantic roll in the dirt in my backyard.”

The tension building in my neck and shoulders relaxed, and the dull ache in my chest receded. Bodie was an honorable guy, and I knew he was doing the right thing by slowing down. But I couldn’t deny that tiny part of me that wished he’d just let go and have his way. I wanted him badly.

Awestruck, I lifted up and pressed my lips against his. “God.” I shook my head. “Could you be any more perfect?”

He chuckled and rolled me on top of him, his arms forming iron bars around me. “I’m not God, baby. And I’m far from perfect. But I’m yours if you’ll have me.”

Chapter Fifteen

Status update:
Stand up and look! We’re where it’s at. Us Diamond Girls we rock the mat!

Livvie had told me at least a hundred times over the course of the past week to prepare myself for the enormity of my first Cheerz competition. It was supposedly one of the biggest of the season and sported killer teams from all over the country, as well as a few from overseas.

But nothing, and I mean nothing, could have prepared me for the absolute, jaw-dropping grandeur of the arena we strolled into shortly after lunch.

Cheerz hosted their massive competition in New Haven, an upscale city about an hour’s drive from Indigo Falls. The Palace Arena was the only facility large enough to house the tournament, and it looked as though it could provide enough seating for a small country.

Even more astonishing than the facility’s size was the fact that it was packed full from floor to ceiling with rowdy spectators. I gaped at my surroundings, feeling as though I was at a rock concert and not a sporting event. I’d never seen anything like it. My gymnastics meets had prepared me for performing in front of a crowd, but this was something else altogether. Nausea wormed through my gut and I felt a little dizzy.

“Told you it was no joke.” Livvie pulled me from the lip of the small hallway I lingered in and up into the raucous crowd.

Though there were no formal rules set, most gyms sat together at competitions, the more dedicated families often arriving early to section off and save large areas for the teams to occupy. X-Factor and its families enjoyed a direct view of center stage and had cordoned off an entire section toward the top of the arena, three sections up from the large viewing structure the judges occupied.

I crawled over a line of cheer bags littering the floor and slumped into one of the empty seats behind Erin, Tayla, and Claire. The chairs were hard and incredibly narrow, with no foot room whatsoever, and my knees felt like they were jutting into my chest. I stood at a scant five-foot-five and still felt incredibly cramped.