Every Tongue Got to Confess (16 page)

Once upon a time there wuz a man named Good-Time Willie. He wuz working in de army for seventy-five cents and so he quit de army and went on down de road. He met a man settin’ on a stump and he had uh heap uh strops uh round him. Good-Time Willie said, “Ain’t you all crippled up?” He say, “I got seventy-five cents you kin git half of dis.”

The man told him to keep the money and Good-Time Willie asted him whut his name wuz. He say it wuz, “Disappear-And-Run-Out-Of-Sight.” Good-Time Willie tole him there wuz a fortune at de end of de road for him and they both went on down de road and they soon met another man.

He wuz settin’ upon a stump and Good-Time Willie asted him what he wuz doing settin’ dere, and he tole him his name wuz “Change-De-Weather.” He tole him to let him see some of his work and he set his hat on one side and started it to raining, and then he set his hat on top his head and it faired up.

Then Good-Time Willie tole him, “Come and go with us. There is a fortune at de end of de road for you.”

They went on down de road and they saw another man in de ditch and Good-Time Willie asted him: “What wuz he
doing dere,” and he said, “I blow water down de stream to grind de government corn.”

So Good-Time Willie tole him to come and go with them, there was a fortune at de end of de road for him. All of ’em went on down the road. They met another man breaking down pine tree tops, throwing ’em over de mountain in his back yard. So Good-Time Willie asted him what he wuz doing and he said: “I’m breaking off pine tree tops throwing ’em over in my back yard.”

So Good-Time Willie tole ’im: “Come and go wid us; there is uh fortune at de end of de road for you.” All of ’em went on down de road till they got to de king’s house, and so de king tole ’em: “If they had a man out dere could outrun his daughter to de well he could marry his daughter.”

So Good-Time Willie tole Disappear to go and de king give both of ’em a bucket and he loosed one of his strops and disappeared and went out of sight.

So he got his bucket of water and laid down and went to sleep. De girl had done got her water and she wuz fixing to go up de step at home and Shoot-Well shot at Disappear and shaved his moustache off. He jumped up and got his bucket and beat de girl in de house.

De king said: “You have won my daughter—tell you what I’ll do.” He got some moonshine and he made ’em all half-drunk, and he tole ’em he’d give ’em a place to stay. That night he went and got seven firemen and started to burn ’em up.

Good-Time Willie woke up and shook Disappear, and Disappear shook Change-the-Weather and he tole ’em not to worry. So he started to making it hailing and storming, killed all de firemen and dat next day de king said: “Boys, I tried to harm you but I couldn’t do you no harm. Tell you what I’ll do—I’ll give you three car load of gold.”

So Stormy man got him a sack and sacked up all de gold he could and sent back down to king for three more carloads, and so de king come down dere to kill ’em. Blow-Stormy tole ’em
to git behind him and blowed ’em all up in de air and de king said: “Let me down easy, kind Willie.”

I stepped on a pin, de pin bent, and dat’s de way de story went.

—A. C. W
ILLIAMS.

There was a man that [had] a contrary wife. I don’t keer what he suggested, she’d go jus’ the other way.

One day he looked up at the sky and said it was time to mow the hay, but she said it wasn’t. They got into a fuss, but he jus’ finally told her he was gointer mow it no matter what she said.

Then he looked around and said, “Where is my mower?”

She said, “There it is, but you don’t need no mower to cut no hay. It oughter be done with the scissors.”

“Who did you ever see cut hay with scissors?”

“Everybody with any sense. Jus’ because these fools round here ain’t got no better sense than to cut it with a mower is no reason why YOU should be a bigger fool than you have to. Cut it with scissors.”

“Woman, do you want to make a fool outa me with your scissors? No, I’m not going out to no hayfield with no scissors! I’ll take the mowing-machine and nothing else.”

“And I’ll take the scissors, you hammer-heel fool.”

“No, you won’t either. You won’t go atall to worry me whill[e] I work. You stay right home and use those scissors patching.”

“Oh, yes, I will go too. You can’t stop me, and I’m going to cut hay, too, the way it should be cut—with scissors.”

Sure ’nough, she went on with him hollering “scissors” in his ear every step. He couldn’t make her hush and he couldn’t make her go back, and she stayed on his heels no matter where he walked. They got into a tussle on a little bridge they had to cross and she fell overboard. She went down the first time and hollered “scissors” when she come up. She hollered “scissors” the next
time she come up. The third time, she was so weak she couldn’t say nothing—but she stuck up her hand with her fingers crossed.

She drowned, and when they found her body it was way upstream—she was too contrary to float downstream like other folks.

—A
RMETTA
J
ONES.

   (European derivative)

De man wuz name Sam. He had been gone from home ten years an’ he come up to this white man’s place an’ he hired him. He worked for twelve months for this white man for one hundred dollars. An’ the end of the year he paid ’im de one hundred an’ he tole him, say, “If yo’ give me this one hundred dollars, I’ll tell you something that will be worth two thousand dollars to you.”

He give it to ’im. Says, “Well, now, I have worked twelve months an’ I wanted tuh go home and I have nuthin’ to go home with.”

“Well, Sam, work another twelve months for another hundred dollars.” So he worked another twelve months and so when the end uh de year he paid ’im this one hundred dollars.

He said, “Well, Sam, ef you give me this one hundred dollars, I’ll tell you something that will be worth three thousand dollars tuh you.” So he give it tuh ’im.

Says, “Well, now I want tuh go home, boss, and I haven’t anything tuh go with. I know my wife is lookin’ for me.”

“Well, Sam,” says, “work another twelve months fur another one hundred dollars.” So he went tuh work and worked de twelve months.

At de end he says, “Give me dat one hundred dollars an’ I’ll tell you something dat will be worth ten thousand dollars tuh you.” So he give it tuh ’im.

Says, “Well, boss, I must go home, money or no money.”

“Well,” he says, “ef you go, I haven’t anything tuh give you
but uh loaf uh bread to take home wid you. Now, don’t cut it. Break it. Now, on your way home, don’t take a nigh cut. Keep de road home.”

An’ in travelin’, when he come tuh the nigh path through de hammock, he started tuh take it, but he thought of what this man tole ’im, tuh keep de road. Jes’ as he turnt back into the road, a peddler turned into this path an’ in a short time heard de peddler screamin’ and hollerin’. Somebody had done robbed ’im and put ’im to death. So he traveled on till that night. He come tuh somebody’s residence and he thought of what de white man tole ’im—not to stop over night with uh ole man with uh young wife, so he got up and went out. Shortly after, he heard a noise in de room joining his, an’ de ole man an’ his wife wuz puttin’ another traveler tuh death.

De next night he retched home and he went in de house and saw quite a young lad lying in de bed wid his wife. He went out doors and picked up de ax and went back in de house; but he thought of whut de white man said: “Don’t do nuthin’ in de night whut you might be sorry of next day.” So he threw de ax down and went in and woke his wife and found out it wuz his son in de bed.

“Well, ole woman, I’ve been gone ten years or more and I come wid nuthin’. I worked three years for one man and all he give me wuz one loaf uh bread and he tole me not tuh cut de bread, but to ast de blessing and break it.”

He ast de blessing and broke de bread, and he found three years’ work in de bread. Den he tole her all de white man told ’im.

—D
ELLA
L
EWIS.

A man courted a woman once and married her. She was powerful pretty and he was proud. So that night after they had done got married it come time for them to go to bed.

So he went outside to give her time to git in de bed first. That’s de way men always does wid a new wife.

Way after while he come in to git in hisself. De wife had done took off her wig and hung it on de bed-post. Her false teeth was layin’ on de dresser, her cork leg was standin’ over against de wall, and her cork arm was layin’ cross a chair. One of her eyes was soakin’ in a glass of water on de dresser.

He was so put out he didn’t know whut to do. He looked at all her parts strowed around and he looked at de woman in de bed. He tole her, “I don’t know whether to git in de bed wid dat half of yuh or to sit up wid de rest.”

—E
LIZA
A
USTIN.

One day de ole man decided to go git him uh load uh wood, and he got uh pail uh water and sat it in de yard and tole de old lady, “If dis pail uh water turn tuh blood, you turn dese dogs aloose, cause you most know I’m in trouble.”

So de ole man, he got down in de woods and started tuh cut on uh tree. And uh bear got after ’im and he dropped his ax and run up de tree. De ole bear, he picked up de ax and looked at it. (The bear reads the name on the handle.) The bear says: “Dis name is Whimmer G. Martin.” So he begin to chop on dat tree where de ole man was to de tune of de man’s name: “De Whimmer G. Martin! de Whimmer G. Martin! de whim! De Whimmer G. Martin, de Whim!”

Ole man says, “Wait, Mr. Bear, lemme pray uh prayer befo’ you kill me.”

Ole bear says tuh ’im, “Pray it fast.”

Man said (calling his dogs): “Come August, come Sparrow, come Bon Bon Pree!”

Bear says (chopping): “De Whimmer G. Martin, de Whimmer G. Martin, de Whim!”

Man says agin, “Wait, Mr. Bear, lemme pray one more prayer befo’ you kill me.”

“Pray it fast! Whimmer G. Martin, de Whim!”

Man said, “Come August, come Sparrow, come Bon Bon Pree!”

De tree wuz beginnin’ to fall and de dogs wuz at de edge of de woods.

Bear says, “Whimmer G. Martin, de Whim!”

’Bout dat time de dogs jumped on de ole bear and kilt ’im. De ole man jumped down outa de tree and took de dogs, and de bear, home and tole his wife, “See how good my dogs is? Saved my life. If you hadn’t turnt my dogs loose I’d be uh gone man, dat’s all.”

—J
OHN
S
MITH
.

Once uh man had de consumption real bad, an’ he went tuh uh doctor tuh see whut he could do fur him, an’ de doctor tole him, say: “Youse got it too bad tuh help. Fack is, you ain’t got but three mo’ coughs left an’ you’ll be dead. So you better be mighty keerful.”

He went on home walkin’ jes as keerful as he could, but he stumped his toe and it made ’im cough. He say, “Umph, dat’s one of my coughs gone already.”

Dat night he got in uh sorter draft and he coughed again. “Umph, umph, another cough gone!”

Next day he went tuh look over his field and he coughed de third time—so he says, “Well, I reckon I’m dead.” So he laid down by uh log an’ folded his hands. He laid dere a long time, when uh ole sow wid some pigs come long and begin tuh root
him. He wanted tuh make uh gwan off, but he figgered he couldn’t. He kept on talkin’ out de side uh his mouth: “Gwan! gwan! gwan! I say.” But de ole sow kept on rootin’ and rootin’ till finally he hollered out loud, “Gwan way from here, you damned ole hawg! I’d git up from here and half kill you if I wuzn’t dead.”

—M
ARY
D
ASH
.

Uh nigger wuz cuttin’ wood (cord wood). He got tired an’ set down under a shade tree and went tuh sleep. When he woke up he saw a rattlesnake had rolled cross him. He looked up and saw de snake lickin’ out his tongue. He wrote uh note and pinned it on his breast: “Found dead in de woods—bit by a rattlesnake.” He folded his arms and died.

—G
EORGE
M
ILLS.

The boy courted the girl for a long time and then he married her. First night of married life, ’bout twelve o’ clock, he ast her to tell him all the boys she had ever had and he would tell her all the girls he had had.

After she tole him, she called so many names he stopped her. He said, “That’s enough. I don’t want to hear no more, you ain’t nothin’ but a whore. I’m going to Alabama.”

Early de nex’ morning she went back home. Her pa met her at de gate. Ast her whut the matter wuz. She said, “Father, I can’t tell you.”

Father said, “I know dat trifling nigger ain’t done beat you de first night. Wife, take our daughter upstairs and find out whut’s de trouble.

While he staid downstairs and eve-dropped, she tole her mother, “My husband ast me to tell him how many boys I ever had and he would tell me how many girls he had courted, and when I tole him, he said I wuzn’t nothin’ but a whore and he wuz goin’ to Alabama.”

Mother said, “You sho wuz a fool. I been with your father over forty years, always have had twelve or fifteen men on him and he ain’t never knowed nothin’ about it.”

De father says, “You kin bring me down my hat. Here’s another damn fool Alabama bound.”

—“S
KINNY”
F
LOYD
T
HOMAS.

Once there was an old woman who went off once on a train with her little grandson and she didn’t have the fare for the little boy. So she put him under her skirt. So the grandmother keep on fizzling on the little boy’s head, so he got out from under her skirt. The conductor came around asked the boy where had he come from. The little boy told him, “I was up under grandma’s skirt and you wouldn’t have seen me if grandmother hadn’t fizzled on my head.”

—C
LIFFERT
U
LMER.

There was once an old man and a old woman who lived in the country with their little girl. So a man came from the city to visit them. They did not have but two beds, so the man had to sleep with the girl. The old woman put a pillow between the man and the girl. The next morning they got up and hitched the team up to go to town and took the old man’s daughter. Riding along the wind blew the girl’s hat off her head over the fence. The man got out to get the hat. She said, “Never mind, brother, I don’t see how you can climb over a fence when you couldn’t climb over the pillow last night.”