Epic Fail

Epic Fail

Claire LaZebnik

Dedication

For Annie.
My little girl with the big brown eyes
is now tall and beautiful,
but she’s still who she’s always been,
and that’s the kindest person I know.

And for all her friends,
each one more brilliant
and dedicated than the next.

The world will be a better place
once these girls are running it.

Contents

Chapter One

T
he front office wasn’t as crazy as you’d expect on the first day of school, which seemed to confirm Coral Tree Prep’s reputation as “a well-oiled machine.”

That was a direct quote from the Private School Confidential website I had stumbled across when I first Googled Coral Tree—right after my parents told me and my three sisters we’d be transferring there in the fall. Since it was on the other side of the country from where we’d been living—from where I’d lived my entire life—I couldn’t exactly check it myself, and I was desperate for more information.

A well-oiled machine didn’t sound too bad. But I was less thrilled to read that Coral Tree was “basically a country club masquerading as a school.” The same anonymous writer added, “I’ve yet to see a student drive a car onto campus that’s not a Porsche or a BMW. And even an AP math student would lose count of the Louboutins on the girls here.” Yuck.

But while I was clicking around that site, I learned about another private school in L.A. that had a “condom tree”—kids allegedly tossed their used condoms up into its branches—so I guess my parents could have done worse than, you know,
Coral
Tree.

True to the school’s reputation, the administrator in the office was brisk and efficient and had quickly printed up and handed me and Juliana each a class list and a map of the school.

“You okay?” I asked Juliana, as she stared at the map like it was written in some foreign language. She started and looked up at me, slightly panicked. Juliana’s a year older than me, but she sometimes seems younger—mostly because she’s the opposite of cynical and I’m the opposite of the opposite of cynical.

Because we’re so close in age, people frequently ask if the two of us are twins. It’s lucky for me we’re not, because if we
were
, Juliana would be The Pretty One. She and I do look a lot alike, but there are infinitesimal differences—her eyes are just a touch wider apart, her hair a bit silkier, her lips fuller—and all these little changes add up to her being truly beautiful and my being reasonably cute. On a good day. When the light hits me right.

I put my head closer to hers and lowered my voice. “Did you
see
the girls in the hallway? How much makeup they’re all wearing? And their hair is perfect, like they spent hours on it. How is that possible?” Mine was in a ponytail. It wasn’t even all that clean because our fourteen-year-old sister, Layla, had hogged the bathroom that morning and I’d barely had time to brush my teeth, let alone take a shower.

“It’ll all be fine,” Juliana said faintly.

“Yeah,” I said, with no more conviction. “Anyway, I’d better run. My first class is on the other side of the building.” I squinted at the map. “I think.”

She squeezed my arm. “Good luck.”

“Find me at lunch, okay? I’ll be the one sitting by myself.”

“You’ll make friends, Elise,” she said. “I know you will.”

“Just
find
me.” I took a deep breath and plunged out of the office and into the hallway—and instantly hit someone with the door. “Sorry!” I said, cringing.

The girl I’d hit turned, rubbing her hip. She wore an incredibly short miniskirt, tight black boots that came up almost to her knees, and a spaghetti-strap tank top. It was an outfit more suited for a nightclub than a day of classes, but I had to admit she had the right body for it. Her blond hair was beautifully cut, highlighted, and styled, and the makeup she wore really played up her pretty blue eyes and perfect little nose. Which was scrunched up now in disdain as she surveyed me and bleated out a loud and annoyed “FAIL!”

The girl standing with her said, “Oh my God, are you okay?” in pretty much the tone you’d use if someone you cared about had just been hit by a speeding pickup truck right in front of you.

It hadn’t been
that
hard a bump, but I held my hands up apologetically. “Epic fail. I know. Sorry.”

The girl I’d hit raised an eyebrow. “At least you’re honest.”

“At least,” I agreed. “Hey, do you happen to know where room twenty-three is? I have English there in, like, two minutes and I don’t know my way around. I’m new here.”

The other girl said, “I’m in that class, too.” Her hair was brown instead of blond and her eyes hazel instead of blue, but the two girls’ long, choppy manes and skinny bodies had been cast from the same basic mold. She was wearing a long, silky turquoise tank top over snug boot-cut jeans and a bunch of multicolored bangles on her slender wrist. “You can follow me. See you later, Chels.”

“Yeah—wait, hold on a sec.” Chels—or whatever her name was—pulled her friend toward her and whispered something in her ear. Her friend’s eyes darted toward me briefly, but long enough to make me glance down at my old straight-leg jeans and my
this is what a feminist looks like
T-shirt and feel like I shouldn’t have worn either.

The two girls giggled and broke apart.

“I know, right?” the friend said. “See you,” she said to Chels and immediately headed down the hallway, calling brusquely over her shoulder, “Hurry up. It’s on the other side of the building and you
don’t
want to be late for Ms. Phillips’s class.”

“She scary?” I asked, scuttling to keep up.

“She just gets off on handing out EMDs.”

“EMDs?” I repeated.

“Early morning detentions. You have to come in at, like, seven in the morning and help clean up and stuff like that. Sucks. Most of the teachers here are pretty mellow if you’re a couple of minutes late, but not Phillips. She’s got major control issues.”

“What’s your name?” I asked, dodging a group of girls in cheerleader outfits.

“Gifford.”
Really? Gifford?
“And that was Chelsea you hit with the door. You really should be more careful.”

Too late for that advice—in my efforts to avoid bumping into a cheerleader, I had just whammed my shoulder on the edge of a locker. I yelped in pain. Gifford rolled her eyes and kept moving.

I caught up again. “I’m Elise,” I said, even though she hadn’t asked. “You guys in eleventh grade, too?”

“Yeah. So you’re new, huh? Where’re you from?”

“Amherst, Mass.”

She actually showed some interest. “That near Harvard?”

“No. But Amherst College is there. And UMass.”

She dismissed that with an uninterested wave. “You get snow there?”

“It’s Massachusetts,” I said. “Of course we do. Did.”

“So do you ski?”

“Not much.” My parents didn’t, and the one time they tried to take us it was so expensive that they never repeated the experiment.

“We go to Park City every Christmas break,” Gifford said. “But this year my mother thought maybe we should try Vail. Or maybe Austria. Just for a change, you know?”

I didn’t know. But I nodded like I did.

“You see the same people at Park City every year,” she said. “I get sick of it. It’s like Maui at Christmas, you know?”

I wished she’d stop saying “You know?”

Fortunately, we had reached room 23. “In here,” said Gifford. She opened the door and went in, successfully communicating that her mentoring ended at the room’s threshold.

Over the course of the next four hours, I discovered that:

1. Classes at Coral Tree Prep were really small. When we got to English, I was worried that half the class would get EMDs or whatever they were called because there were fewer than a dozen kids in the room. But when Ms. Phillips came in, she said, “Good—everyone’s here, let’s get started,” and I realized all the kids were there.

2. The campus grounds were unbelievably green and seemed to stretch on for acres. I kept gazing out the window, wishing I could escape and go rolling down the grassy hills that lined the fields.

3. Teachers at Coral Tree Prep didn’t like you to stare out the window and would tell you so in front of the entire class who would then all turn and stare at The New Girl Who Wasn’t Paying Attention.

4. Everyone at Coral Tree Prep was good-looking. Really. Everyone. I didn’t see a single fat or ugly kid all morning. Maybe they just locked them up at registration and didn’t let them out again until graduation.

5. Girls here wore every kind of footwear imaginable, from flip-flops to spike-heeled mules to UGG boots (despite the sunny, 80-degree weather), EXCEPT for sneakers. I guess those marked you as fashion-impaired.

6. I was wearing sneakers.

Chapter Two

T
here are all these clichés about what it’s like to be the new kid at school, like in movies, when you see people playing pranks on them or ostracizing them or publicly ridiculing them. I had no previous experience at being new: I had gone to only one public elementary school, which fed into my middle school, which fed into my old high school. So I don’t know what I had been expecting, but the reality was more boring than anything else.

People were all willing to acknowledge me, ask me if I was new and what my name was, welcome me to the school (literally, several kids said “Welcome to Coral Tree!”), and then they lost interest and went back to talking to their friends. I was isolated but not ostracized, ignored but not abused.

Still, it was stressful sitting alone and trying to look like I was fascinated by the posters on the various classroom walls whenever the other kids were chatting, so I was
very
happy to spot Juliana waiting in the cafeteria line when lunch break finally rolled around.

“Hey, you!” I ran over and just barely restrained myself from hugging her.

“Hey, yourself,” she said calmly.

“How’s it going? No one’s talking to me. Is anyone talking to you?”

“Actually,” she said, “people have been really nice.”

“That’s great.” I wanted to be happy for her, but I had been looking forward to sharing the misery. “So what are you going to eat?”

“I don’t know.” She gave a vague look around. “Salad maybe? I’m not that hungry.”

“You’re not? I’m starving.” It wasn’t until I had grabbed a huge turkey sub and Juliana was balancing a dainty little green salad on her tray that it occurred to me there was something weird about Juliana’s not being hungry. Usually she had a pretty healthy appetite. The only other time I could remember her not wanting to eat (when she wasn’t sick) was the year before, when she had a crush on a guy in her Health and Human Fitness class. That had not ended well—the guy turned out to be a total tool.

As I moved through the cafeteria line, I saw raw tuna sushi. And pomegranate seeds. And tamales. And Nutrisystem shakes. And sausage sticks made out of ostrich meat.

We definitely weren’t in Massachusetts anymore.

I passed by a guy grabbing a can of soda out of the cold case. He was at least six feet tall, broad-shouldered, dark-haired, and way cuter than any guy at my old school, which had been full of highly cerebral and physically underdeveloped faculty brats. (To give you an idea: we had both a varsity and junior varsity debate team, but only enough recruits for a single basketball team.) While Juliana and I waited in line to pay, I glanced over my shoulder at him again—I’m not usually a gawker, but I’d had a tough morning and deserved a little pleasure.

I balanced my tray against my hip, checked the line—still a few people ahead of us—and stole another glance at Handsome Guy.

Whose gorgeous eyes met mine as he turned around, soda in hand. He gave me a vaguely annoyed and weary look—a look that said,
I’m so done with people staring at me
—and turned on his heel. Guess I wasn’t as subtle as I thought. Blushing furiously, I turned back to the cashier before I embarrassed myself any more.

After we’d paid, Juliana led the way out of the cafeteria to the picnic tables scattered around the school courtyard.

“Outside tables?” I said. “What do they do when it rains?”

“It’s L.A.,” Juliana said absently, turning her head from side to side like she was searching for something. “It doesn’t rain.”

“That’s got to be an exaggeration. How about there?” I pointed to an empty table. I just wanted to be alone with Jules, have a few minutes to relax before starting all over again with the afternoon classes.

But she was on the move, marching deliberately toward one of the tables—

Where some guy was rising to his feet and exuberantly waving her over, then gesturing down at the empty space next to him, like he’d been expecting her.

And she was going right toward him.

Suddenly her loss of appetite made sense.

His name was Chase Baldwin, and he was definitely, unmistakably cute: blue-eyed with wavy brown hair and a ready smile. He was wearing a plain white oxford unbuttoned over a T-shirt, but something about the way they fit made him look put together, like an Abercrombie model (well, like an Abercrombie model who had remembered to put on a shirt that morning).

Without meeting my eyes, Juliana introduced us, explained that they’d met in history class, and slid into the space next to him. I sat down across from them. The benches and the long wooden tables they lined were surprisingly smooth and unblemished—a little dirty and sun-faded, maybe, but nothing was rotted or chipped. Apparently, even furniture wasn’t allowed to age in this appearance-obsessed town.

I studied the huge sandwich on my plate and realized I had forgotten to get any utensils or even a napkin. I knocked the bread off the top and tore off a little piece of turkey, which I rolled into a compact bite I could pop neatly into my mouth.

Of course Chase chose that exact moment to lean forward and ask me a question. “How’s your first day going, Elise?”

I made a
Sorry, I’m chewing
face, and he waited patiently until I swallowed and said, “Fine. There’s a lot to get used to, but everyone’s been nice. It helps to know Jules is nearby.”

“That’s really cute that you call her Jules,” he said and grinned at her. “I like your nickname.”

She made a face. “It’s silly, but Elise started calling me that, like, three years ago and it stuck.”

“You have a nickname, too?” he asked me.

“I could tell you, but then I’d have to shoot you,” I said apologetically.

He nudged Juliana’s elbow with his. “Will
you
tell me?”

“No way. She knows where I sleep.”

“I’ll get it out of you later.” He munched on a chip. “So is it just me or was that a terrifying amount of work Rivera assigned in history for the first day? He’s famously tough, you know.”

“Tough but good?” Juliana asked hopefully. She hadn’t even touched her salad, just taken a few sips of her Diet Coke.

“Tough but boring.” Chase wiped his mouth with a napkin. “Although today I was too fascinated by his hairpiece to be bored.”

“It’s a toupee?” Juliana said. “Really?”

“You didn’t notice? It’s a completely different color from the hair on the sides. Check it out next time. A kid who graduated last year told me that it was all twisted around one day, but Rivera didn’t notice and taught the whole class like that. You’ll probably have him next year,” he added, glancing over at me, like he wanted to make sure I felt included in the conversation. There was a warmth to his gaze that gave me the sense there was nowhere he’d rather be than right here, having this conversation. He glanced up now, looking past my shoulder. “There you are!” he said to whoever was standing behind me. “What took you so long?”

“Had to run back to my locker for my lunch.” The guy’s voice was deep. I swiveled to look at him and was both pleased and unnerved to see it was the tall guy I’d been ogling in the cafeteria.

“You’re
bringing
lunch this year?” Chase said. “That’s a new one.”

A shrug. “My mom’s on this raw food kick and wants me to do it, too.”

“Oh, man, that’s rough.”

“It’s worse for her cook. Mind if I sit here?”

I realized he was talking to me, quickly shook my head, and moved over. I noticed as I slid my tray down that some of the kids at the far end of the table had turned to watch as Chase’s friend sat down.

He swung his leg over the bench as he plunked a can of soda and a long stainless steel cylinder on the table. He settled in next to me, and I had to shift over even more. This guy took up a lot of space.

So it was my lucky day, right? Handsome Guy was sitting two inches away from me. I stole a peek at him and noticed—now that he was up close—that his eyelashes were so thick and dark, he almost looked like he was wearing eyeliner. Girls would have killed for those lashes.

They didn’t look so bad on him, either.

He pulled the tab on his soda. As he raised it to his lip, he caught me staring at him—for the second time that day. He sighed heavily and looked away.

Way to make a first impression, Elise. Oh, wait—second impression. Both bad.

“Is Coke part of the diet?” Chase asked jovially.

“It’s not cooked, right?” He took a big gulp.

“Derek, meet Juliana and Elise.” Chase gestured toward each of us in turn. “They’re both new. And they’re sisters—but you can kind of tell that, can’t you? This is Derek,” he informed us.

“Hi,” Derek said, a little warily.

We nodded and smiled and said hi back. There was a pause, like he and Chase were waiting for us to say something else. When we didn’t, Derek turned his attention to deconstructing the stainless steel cylinder, which turned out to be a set of small matching containers that all screwed together, and which he now carefully laid out on the table in a row in front of him. He opened the first one and sniffed dubiously at the unidentifiable brownish contents.

“That looks disgusting,” Chase said.

“I don’t even know what it is.”

“Dump it and get something else, man.”

“I promised my mother I wouldn’t.”

“Did you also promise her you wouldn’t grab a slice of pizza after school?”

Brief smile. “Not in so many words.”

“Sounds like a plan.”

“Derek!” a new voice exclaimed. “You’re back! Oh my God, how was it?” There was an impatient tap on my shoulder. “Excuse me—do you mind?”

I looked up and recognized the pretty girl I had bumped into that morning. She was with her pal Gifford again.

She recognized me at the same moment. “Oh, it’s you. Hi. Hit anyone with a door lately? JK. Can you move, though? I need to sit next to Derek—I haven’t seen him all summer.”

There was plenty of space on the other side of me, so I slid down obediently while Chase nodded a casual greeting in her direction and said all our names by way of introducing everyone.

As Chelsea took my old place, Gifford plopped her tray on the table between us and waited expectantly. I sighed and slid down some more so she could sit between me and “Chels,” who had taken hold of Derek’s arm.

“So how was it?” she asked him eagerly. “Fantastic? Was it fantastic? It was, wasn’t it?”

“Did you see a kangaroo?” Gifford chimed in before he could respond. She unwrapped a container of sushi and pushed it toward Chelsea. “We’re sharing, remember. And don’t forget I paid this time so you have to next time.”

Chelsea ignored her. “I am so jealous,” she said to Derek. “We didn’t go anywhere all summer long except Belize and Costa Rica. And to visit our grandparents in New York. Oh, and that endless cruise to Alaska. That was so cheesy, though, it doesn’t count.”

“Derek just got back from Australia,” Chase explained to Juliana.

“Wow,” she said. “That’s so cool.”

“The beaches were nice,” Derek said with an indifferent shrug.

“Did you see a kangaroo?” Gifford asked again. She seemed a little obsessed with the kangaroo thing.

“Yeah, a couple. But not on the street or anything—just in animal parks.”

“I am so jealous,” Chelsea moaned.

“Eh, seen one kangaroo, seen ’em all.” Derek tentatively poked his fork into another container—something green and slimy this time. “They look like overgrown rats.”

“They can punch people, right?” Gifford said. “They’re like pro boxers.”

“I think that’s only in cartoons,” Chase said, and he and Juliana exchanged a grin.

“Do you have pictures?” Chelsea asked Derek. “Can we see them?”

“Maybe later.”

“I want to see them, too,” Gifford said. “Can I see them, too?”

“What made you choose Australia?” Juliana asked Derek.

There was a slight pause, like she had said something awkward, but I had no clue why. Was she supposed to know why the guy we’d never met before had just vacationed halfway across the world?

“Movie shoot,” he finally muttered.

“Movie shoot?” she repeated blankly.

“He was keeping his mom company,” Chase added, like
that
explained it.

“Oh.” Jules shot me a questioning look, and I shrugged to indicate that I had no more idea than she did who Derek’s mother was, and everyone else was acting like we should already know, which made it impossible to be normal and just
ask
.

Derek seemed to have caught our silent exchange. He was watching us curiously, like something about us was confusing to him.

“Oh God,
look
at her!” Chelsea exclaimed suddenly.

“Someone offend your fashion sense by wearing sandals with socks again, Chelsea?” Chase joked. “My sister takes these things very seriously,” he told Juliana.

“I didn’t realize she was your sister.” Jules looked at me again, and I shook my head—I hadn’t known that either.

I felt like we needed SparkNotes for this whole lunch.

“No, seriously,” Chelsea said. “It’s
her
. The new principal. The one everyone hates already.”

We all looked up at that and saw her, the new principal, charging around the picnic tables, stopping to pat one kid on the shoulder, exchange a word with another, admonish a third who had let a wrapper blow onto the ground without picking it up, and so on.

“She looks totally crazy,” Chelsea said. “Which I hear she
is
. They say they only hired her because the guy they really wanted took another job at the last second so they were stuck and she was the only candidate who was still, you know,
available
, because no one else would take her.”

The new principal did look a little nuts. She was wearing a reasonably businesslike dark red suit, but she had matched it with a bright chartreuse top with an enormous bow at the collar, navy tights, and brown pumps. Her graying brown hair had been pinned up in a bun at some earlier point in time, but it was the kind of kinky, wavy hair that plots its escape from the moment you try to capture it, and wisps were flying all over the place.