Emma (17 page)

As if he cared! It was on the tip of my tongue to tell him the truth and wipe that satisfied look off his face – but what was the point? It was too late.

‘If I’d taken more notice of you in the first place it wouldn’t have happened,’ I said, knowing it was the plain truth. ‘I made a mistake and now I’ve got to live with it, haven’t I?’ I didn’t smile at him as I spoke. I wasn’t ready to forgive him for the way he’d behaved to Mum and me, but I didn’t hate him. I wasn’t sure why. Surely I ought to? He had never done much for me, except provide a roof over my head, but I believed he was my father and there was a part of me that wished things had been different between us. Perhaps I understood his feelings better since my marriage, because of the way my being pregnant with another man’s child had affected Richard’s attitude. ‘I daresay I’ll survive.’

He nodded, seemed as if he wanted to say more, then changed his mind. ‘I’m off to the stockroom,’ he said as a customer came in. ‘Ben should be along later. He wanted to go to the dentist, so I let him – being as you’re back.’

I served the customer with his newspaper and pipe tobacco, then went back to tidying the shelves. It was about five minutes later when the doorbell rang again and Sheila Tomms entered; she was wearing her working clothes and wore a scarf tied around her head turban-style.

‘So you’re back, then,’ she said, giving me a strange look. ‘I heard you and Richard were married.’

‘Yes.’ I glanced over my shoulder. The door to the stockroom was firmly shut. ‘You gave us all a shock, Sheila. We thought for a while you’d been murdered.’

‘So Eric told me.’ Sheila grinned. ‘It put the wind up him, I can tell you. He has asked me to marry him. I’ve told him I’ll get engaged, and if he behaves himself I might marry him next spring.’

‘Next spring?’ I was surprised. It didn’t sound as if Sheila was in any hurry.

‘If you’ve been wondering same as the rest—’ Sheila patted her stomach and laughed. ‘It was a false alarm. I thought I was but I’m not.’

‘Oh,’ I sighed. ‘Lucky you.’

‘In more ways than one,’ she agreed and laughed. ‘Give me a quarter of those toffee pieces, Emma. So what changed your mind about Richard then?’

‘My father changed it for me,’ I replied, giving her a straight look. ‘I’m pregnant, Sheila.’

‘Is it Richard’s?’ Sheila’s brows went up as I was silent. ‘No, of course it wouldn’t be. Sorry, Emma. What rotten luck. It always happens to girls like you. It was probably your first time.’

‘You won’t say anything? Not to anyone.’

‘You know I won’t. It
could
have been me. I was going to have an abortion – but then I just came on all of a sudden. You won’t tell anyone else that, will you?’

‘No, of course not.’ I smiled. I felt closer to Sheila than before, as if the exchange of secrets had formed a bond between us. ‘Richard was talking about going to the dance on Saturday. We’ll perhaps see you there?’

‘Well, that’s one good thing about getting married,’ Sheila remarked. ‘Your father can’t stop you going out anymore.’

‘No, he can’t,’ I replied. I suddenly realized my life had changed for the better after all. ‘I’ll see you then, Sheila.’

‘Righto. I’m off. I’ve got a new job. Starting in the canteen at the corset factory this morning. It’s more money – sixteen bob a week. You want to ask your old man for a raise, Emma. You’ll need money for the baby, won’t you?’

‘Maybe I shall ask him.’

I smiled to myself and touched the envelope in my pocket. Jonathan Reece had sent me fifty pounds this time. He said Paul was going to pay me that sum every quarter from now on. That was two hundred pounds a year! It seemed a fortune to me.

My cousin has come into a small inheritance
, Jonathan had written.
Despite your marriage, it is only right he should make some contribution for the child’s benefit. If you don’t need the money for yourself save it for the child’s future.

I was determined to put the fifty pounds into my Post Office savings account as soon as I got the chance. My secret hoard was growing bit by bit. I wasn’t sure why that gave me pleasure, because it didn’t change anything. Except that I felt I had a way of escape if I really needed it.

I visited Gran on Wednesday afternoon as usual. I had settled back into my old routine, and apart from the fact that Richard slept in my bed at night, it was almost as if nothing had changed.

I took Gran some pipe tobacco and a tin of fudge we had brought her from Yarmouth.

‘You’re bearing up then,’ she said, giving me a shrewd stare. ‘I expected you would. You’ve got backbone, Emma. No matter what comes, you’ll cope – in your own way.’

‘I’ve been sick again this morning,’ I answered, deliberately misunderstanding the questioning look. ‘Can you recommend anything to help?’

‘I’ve something ready for you.’ She nodded towards a small, dark bottle on the sideboard. ‘It won’t stop the sickness, but it will make you feel better in yourself. When your time comes, I’ll give you something to ease the birth, lass – and meantime, I’m always here for you. If you’re worried about anything, just come and tell me.’

‘Thank you.’ I kissed her gratefully. ‘I do love you, Gran.’

‘Humph!’ She nodded, her eyes seeming to see what she hadn’t been told. ‘Make the best of things, Emma. Once you’ve had the child, life will seem brighter. Children bring love with them, if you let them.’

‘Oh, I want my baby,’ I assured her and smiled. ‘I can’t wait to start making clothes – though I suppose I’d better not buy anything just yet or the tongues will start wagging.’

‘You won’t stop that,’ Gran said. ‘I’ve cut out a few patterns from old magazines for you. If you buy lemon wool you can say it’s for a cardigan for yourself.’

‘Yes, I suppose I could.’ I felt a warm glow all of a sudden. In a way I was lucky. Richard was being nice at the moment, and I couldn’t really complain. ‘I’m not sorry about the baby. I just wish Paul had really wanted to marry me, that’s all. It made me feel used when he just went off without letting me know … as if he had never cared.’

‘No use crying over spilt milk, girl.’

‘No, of course not. I’ve got over him now, Gran.’ I laughed as her old, knowing eyes narrowed in suspicion. ‘Really, I mean it. It doesn’t hurt half as much as it did. Perhaps I wasn’t in love with him at all. And Richard isn’t too bad.’

‘If you’d had more freedom, you wouldn’t have been so easily taken in,’ she said. ‘It was Harold’s fault for keeping you almost a prisoner. No doubt he thought he was doing right by you, but it made you restless. You just tumbled into the arms of the first man who made the effort to get you alone. And he was a charmer, make no mistake about it, Emma. You won’t have been the only one to have been deceived, mark my words.’

‘I think you may be right,’ I agreed. ‘His mother said something to me the day I went there. I think perhaps there was another girl in the same kind of trouble. That makes him a bit of a rotter, doesn’t it?’

I was thoughtful as I walked home later that afternoon. I had certainly let myself be misled by Paul, but perhaps it had been inevitable, just as Gran had said. The idea made me feel better about myself, not quite so much of a fool.

My spirits began to lift again. I’d made a mistake, but it wasn’t the end of the world. I’d longed for children, and I was having my own; that couldn’t be so bad, could it? Maybe I would buy some lemon and some white wool. Mrs Henty sold knitting wool; I could always pretend I was making a striped jumper for myself.

It would give me something to do in the evenings when Richard went off to the pub, as he had every night since our return from Yarmouth. He only stayed for an hour or so, and I didn’t think he drank all that much; most men I knew did much the same, though some took their wives with them.

‘A man needs a drink with his mates after a hard day’s work,’ he’d told me when he left me for the first time.

I hadn’t argued. I didn’t like being in pubs much, and was relieved he hadn’t insisted I go with him. It was far more comfortable staying at home with my mother.

‘We’ll go out at weekends,’ Richard had promised. ‘To the dance one Saturday, pictures the next.’

I agreed and kissed him on the cheek. As long as Richard didn’t turn nasty the way he had in Yarmouth, it was enough to satisfy me. Especially as my father seemed to have lost any desire to interfere in my life. Apparently, I was no longer his concern.

I accepted the port and lemon Richard bought me at the dance, thanking him without comment. I was feeling very much better now that I was taking Gran’s herbal tonic regularly. It didn’t stop me being sick, but I wasn’t as drained afterwards, and my old energy had returned.

I sipped my drink, content to watch the other dancers. Richard had already danced with me twice, but he was on his third glass of beer. He seemed determined to make quite a night of it.

‘Saturday night is the best of the week,’ he’d told me. ‘I don’t have to work tomorrow.’

I watched as he finished his drink and went off to join the queue at the bar. Surely he wasn’t going to get drunk, was he? Richard wasn’t too bad sober, but I still dreaded the nights when he’d had too much – though to be honest, he hadn’t been violent since that night on our honeymoon.

I glanced round as someone sat down on the chair next to me. It was Sheila, wearing a very pretty blue-and-white spotted dress with full skirts, wide shoulder straps and a squared neckline. She had a thin white wool shawl over her arms and looked smart. Obviously, she’d treated herself to a new dress.

‘Enjoying yourself then?’ she asked.

‘Yes, I suppose so.’

‘You don’t sound too sure.’

‘I don’t like the smoke in here much. It makes my throat sore.’

‘And you work for a man who sells cigarettes!’

‘I know.’ I laughed. ‘How are you getting on at the factory?’

‘It’s all right. It’ll do until I find something better. I wouldn’t mind working in a shop, but it isn’t easy to find that sort of work round here. Perhaps I should have stayed in London with my cousin.’

‘Is that where you were?’

I wasn’t to receive an answer that evening, because we were joined first by Richard and then by Eric, both of them carrying drinks for themselves as well as us.

‘Drink up, Emma,’ Richard said, winking at the other man. ‘Got to get you in a good mood for later.’

I knew better than to argue, finishing my drink in silence.

‘Eric and I are engaged,’ Sheila said, and flashed her hand at us. Her ring was a gold band set with five garnets and three pearls in a row. ‘We haven’t set a date for the wedding yet, but it will probably be in the spring.’

‘Eric was just telling me,’ Richard said. ‘Congratulations. I hope you’ll both be as happy as you deserve.’

I thought there was something odd about the way he looked at Sheila, but I didn’t make much of it, because Eric was holding out his hand to me.

‘Dance with me?’ he asked. ‘Richard won’t mind, will you?’

‘Course not,’ Richard replied affably. ‘Go on, Emma. You’ll be safe with Eric.’

I went without further urging. I was learning not to argue with my husband. If I did what he asked and kept my mouth shut he seemed prepared to let me do much as I liked. He just couldn’t stand being answered back.

I danced with Sheila’s fiancé. He was a pleasant, easy-going man with a nice smile, and he smelled of scented hair oil. I was sorry when our dance ended. He led me back to our seats; Sheila got up at once and took his hand. Her face was expressionless, but I sensed something. Richard was frowning. He looked at me as I sat down.

‘I’m having another drink. What about you?’

‘I’ve still got one,’ I said. ‘Could we dance again, Richard?’

‘In a minute,’ he said, and there was a hint of belligerence in his manner, as if he were angry about something. I wondered if Sheila had said something to upset him. ‘I’ll get another beer first.’

We did dance again before Richard suggested we leave. I wasn’t sure how many drinks he’d had, but I sensed he was almost drunk, though he could walk well enough. Not wanting to provoke him, I was quiet as we made our way home.

My parents were already in bed. I locked the back door and bolted it, then followed Richard up to our own bedroom. He seemed to be having difficulty in unbuttoning his shirt.

‘Can I help?’ I asked.

Richard focused his bleary gaze on me. ‘What are you staring at?’ he muttered. ‘I’m not drunk, so don’t look at me like that.’

‘I wasn’t staring.’

‘Liar,’ he said. ‘You’re like all the rest of them. Always nagging. Every time a man has a drink.’ I picked up my nightgown and turned to leave. He caught my arm. ‘Where the hell do you think you’re going?’

‘I need a wash.’

He glared at me. I tensed, thinking he was about to hit me, then all at once his hand dropped, as if he felt too tired – or too drunk – to bother. I left quickly, before he could change his mind.

In the bathroom, I took my time. I washed all over and changed into my nightgown, then brushed my hair for several minutes. Reluctantly, I returned to the bedroom, wondering what kind of a mood my husband would be in now. I hated it when he was in one of his sullen moods. He could be almost tender towards me at times, but he could also be a brute.

To my relief, Richard had fallen asleep. I lifted the covers and eased in beside him. He didn’t move, his breathing telling me he was deep in slumber. I settled down beside him.

I was learning how to manage him now, I thought. Most of the time he was easy enough to please. Drinking obviously didn’t suit him, but I would just have to hope it didn’t happen too often.

‘Your father is late coming up for his tea,’ Mother said, glancing anxiously at the mantle clock in the parlour. ‘It’s shepherd’s pie this evening, so it won’t hurt for a while. He likes the top nice and crispy, but all the same, I don’t want it to spoil.’

‘I’ll go down and see what’s keeping him,’ I offered, laying my knitting on the settee beside me.

Nearly three weeks had passed since our return from the honeymoon. I’d almost completed my second coat for the baby, but I was careful not to let Richard see me knitting. Any reference to the child I was carrying was sufficient to put him in an awkward mood, and Richard’s moods were worse than Father’s – though of late there had been little to choose between them.