Embrace Me At Dawn (14 page)

Lucan smiled back.
Guess what, love? I understand now. Let the battle begin…

If she wanted to challenge him to win her back, heart, body, and soul, he gladly accepted. At least he was in the game again, no longer shut out by the pain she’d wielded like a shield and his own regret.

Snippets of his enlightening conversation with Thorpe echoed in his head.
Her trauma didn’t create this submissive need in her, Lucan. Turning herself over to another allows her to give the most tender parts of her soul and let go of her pain, yet retain the power to stop the scene at any time she wishes—something she didn’t have when she was raped. Shock simply tapped into the need to please she’s likely always had, waiting for the right man to understand
.

The right man, Shock? Not for Anka.

But now Lucan understood what had driven her to seek his guidance during their mating about how best she could please him in dress and manner. He’d merely assumed that she wanted to fit in and gain acceptance from his very traditional parents, despite her less than sterling family. Perhaps that had been true to a point, but he now saw that hadn’t been her only motive. He’d been so bloody damn stupid these last three months, letting his hurt, confusion, and guilt for all she’d suffered rule him. Never again. The worst thing he could do now was continue to allow the distance between them. In fact, he suspected that his worst mistake had been licking the wounds of her rejection, rather than demanding she come home months ago. She hadn’t needed the time to heal; she could have done that at home. What she’d really needed was to know he still cared.

Water under the bridge now. She was here in front of him, and blast it all if he wasn’t going to make every goddamn second count.

“
Your clothes are perfect. Thank you.” Lucan glanced at his mobile phone. “But you’re late.”

She shifted her balance, sticking one hip out as she crossed her arms over her chest. “You’re not my keeper. Are you here to train me to fight, or do you just want to chastise me for not being good enough, Prince Lucan?”

Prince Lucan
? He raised a brow. Where was this venom coming from? The fact that he’d left her with Shock instead of staking his claim again or something more? Whatever the case, she was purposely pushing him. To see his reaction? Likely. Wouldn’t she be surprised when she got one…and probably not what she expected from the man who’d once been her tender, solicitous mate.

Because for the first time in months, he had focus and a goal firmly in mind.

He walked toward her slowly and snapped his fingers, conjuring up a pair of chairs from the dining room. “Before we get started, sit. I’d like to talk to you.”

Anka bristled. “What’s there to talk about? I’m here to learn to fight, and I can’t do that sitting on my arse. If you don’t like my attitude, I’m sorry. But I don’t live to please you anymore.”

He couldn’t miss the bitter hurt in her voice now. He’d been mistaking it all these months for contempt. But she was challenging him, testing him to see if he gave a shit. Because
she
did. If she didn’t care, her words wouldn’t bleed anger and accusation. His responsibility now was to pinpoint the hurt so he could begin to heal her. He must find what she needed and give it to her.

“
I told you yesterday, Anka, that isn’t how this works. You may stay or go. Unless I say otherwise, everything else is up to me. Sit,” he repeated gently but firmly.

He watched her need to please war with the pain battering her heart. The battle raged across her delicate face. Patiently, he stood nearby and waited.

Finally, she exhaled a breath that shuddered with impatience and plopped in the chair, lean legs crossed. “What do you want? Because I’ll tell you something. You can annoy the piss out of me and make my life difficult, but I will not give up.”

“
I didn’t ask you to quit.”

“
Not in so many words, no. But you’d rather I did. It would make your life simpler.”

“
In some ways, it would,” he admitted. “While I like the idea that you’ll be ready for any trouble that might come your way, I would be greatly relieved if you decided to stop training to fight a terrible battle that I fear will only end with you being hurt.”

“
Hurt again, you mean?” She arched a brow at him. “Mathias has already hurt me. And one lesson I learned quickly was that I was ill prepared to deal with him. You coddled me and protected me from the real world. For that, it kicked me mercilessly until it nearly killed me. I can’t be that fragile bauble. I won’t be helpless again. Besides, it’s not as if I matter to you anymore.”

Her impassioned speech slammed him back in his seat. God, so many things to address with her, so many stones unturned, so many unspoken promises broken. He was going to have to step back even more, start at square one with trust, before he ever started digging in her heart.

“
You matter very much. It’s why I coddled you perhaps more than I should have. I wanted to take the responsibility of your welfare off your shoulders. I never considered you helpless, just someone very dear to me. The fault for every terrible thing Mathias did to you is mine, love. I left you defenseless, and he used you to weaken me. I am sorrier than you will ever know that I wasn’t there for you when he came. I deeply regret that I slipped into such severe mate mourning that I lacked the sanity to find you. Every day, I curse the fact that I didn’t save you before he broke our bond and ravaged you. I am in despair if you think you didn’t matter then and don’t matter now. I realize you have no reason to trust me at the moment, but you have my most sincere promise that I will do whatever it takes to fix that. I will never again let you down.”

Anka blinked, stared. Clearly, she’d expected a rude comeback, an argument. He’d disarmed her with his sincerity and honesty. He could see some of the fight leaving her in the way her face softened and her shoulders rounded.

“
I don’t fault you for what Mathias did to me. When it happened, neither of us fathomed that he would stoop to that level.”

“
I
should have. I knew he was attacking families and taking women. I should have realized that he would bring the fight to those who opposed him. I was so absorbed in gearing up for battle that I didn’t realize how vulnerable I’d left you.”

And that fact still pained him as nothing could. He’d been so busy trying to protect magickind that he’d left his own mate alone to fight one of the worst evils their people had ever seen.

“
It’s over and done. Leave it.”

She sounded ready to forgive the unforgivable, and he couldn’t. Nor did he understand. Where did her anger come from, if it wasn’t over his failure? “I can’t. I should have seen to your safety before anything else. I should have kept myself together when Mathias broke our bond so I could save you. I failed you, and it eats me alive every day.”

“
You had no control over your mental state, any more than I did. Witches lose their memories. Wizards pine, sometimes to insanity. I don’t blame you for that.”

“
What do you blame me for, then? Don’t say nothing. I hear it in your voice.”

“
Are we going to chat all day or get some bloody work done?”

“
Your attempt to avoid the question isn’t going to work. We have quite a bit of training to cover. So the sooner you tell me what I’ve done to anger you, the sooner we can move forward.”

“
Who says you have? Why is it about you? Maybe living with Shock, his attitude has rubbed off, and it’s made me a bloody bitch.”

He shook his head. “I know your dirty little secrets, love. And one of them is that you like to please those around you.” When she blanched, he dropped his elbows to his knees and stooped a bit to look directly into her eyes. “It’s all right. Except you don’t always tell the people in your life what you need in return. I won’t let that happen with me again.”

Lucan’s heart pounded furiously, and he wondered if she heard his unspoken message. If she needed a best friend, confidante, or lover, he would fill the role. If she required a firmer hand, well… he would take care of her there, as well. She would get his undying devotion. If anyone left marks on Anka in the future, it wouldn’t be Shock. He’d kill the dodgy fuck first. He wouldn’t push Anka too hard—yet. Despite her appearance and attitude, she was still fragile. She needed his reassurance. But he’d soon test the theory that she also needed so much more. Anything sexual now would have to wait until they established more trust. Otherwise, she would run to Bram, who would put someone else in charge of her training. He must be careful.

For now.

Anka’s face closed up. “What the devil does any of this have to do with teaching me to fight Anarki?”

“
You can’t learn from a trainer you don’t trust. And I can’t teach a pupil who won’t open up to me and tell me what’s in her head. This is hard, physical work. Doing things halfway or not telling me what you require from me can get you killed. We have to be a team, rely on one another without question. I won’t tell Bram that you’re ready to fight until I know it’s absolutely true.”

“
Fine. I trust that you will not allow me to be hurt in training.”

Her answer was just a breath shy of petulant. Whatever hurt plagued her, she held it tenaciously.

“
That’s a start, but there’s a certain mental and emotional trust that comes with placing your life in another warrior’s hands, love.”

“
Stop calling me that.”

“
Stop telling the trainer how to train.” He raised a disapproving brow at her.

She dropped her gaze to her lap. Her unconscious show of deference was both a confirmation of Thorpe’s words and an affirmation of his own new understanding. He liked it, too, which took him a bit by surprise. Perhaps that made him something of a caveman, but her vulnerability touched him. Her sad air of fragility under the leather and fighting attitude made him vow to do whatever necessary to make her whole. He grabbed the edges of his chair to stop himself from rushing her, covering her pretty red bow mouth, and devouring her.

Drawing in a breath for self-control, he thought through his options. If he had more time on his side, he’d draw her out slowly, making sure she felt cared for and secure every step of the way. But with Morganna on the loose and Mathias plotting who knew what, not to mention Shock digging his meaty fists into her heart, time wasn’t his friend.

“
Before we proceed, I think it’s important that we work on building our trust again. I’m going to ask you a question, and it won’t be an easy one to answer. When I’m satisfied that you’ve answered it completely and honestly, I will reward you in return.”

She raised a brow. “Did you sit about playing ‘Truth or Dare’ with the other boys and offer them a lolly, too?”

“
One more burst of sarcasm, Anka, and I’ll tack on a five-kilometer run.” He’d rather not threaten her when she seemed so fragile, but she continued to needle him, testing him just enough to make it clear that she sought his attention. “Do you understand?”

“
Yes, Lucan.”

God, he loved the way she said that. Her voice was low and angry, but carried a hint of softness that made him even harder.

“
Good, love. Either tell me why you’re angry with me—”

“
What good will that do? You’re here to train me. I’m here to learn. End of story.”

“
Thank you for your summation, but I disagree. We are here to build our trust. That includes honesty, even if it’s brutal. Even if you think I won’t give a shit, I want your sincere answer. If I don’t wish to hear something you have to say, I’ll tell you. Otherwise, you don’t make those decisions for me.”

Her eyes flashed defiantly. “Stop talking to me like a three-year-old, you sodding bastard.”

“
Perhaps I am a sodding bastard, but I’m one who’s ready to run five kilometers. Are you? If not, I suggest you answer my question or hear the other, then decide.”