Earth Bound (26 page)

She already knew her scars wouldn't matter to him. She looked into his eyes, and she knew he accepted her with all of her flaws. He wanted her. He deserved so much better. So much more. She would have to leave her beloved farm because he wouldn't leave her. She wanted him to have a home. A place of peace. She had found it here and the least she could do was pass it on to him, even if she couldn't stay with him.

Her throat clogged with tears. She ached with wanting him, not just her body, but her mind. She hadn't known a man like Gavriil existed. She barely remembered her father. Caine had managed to take away every good memory, telling her stories until she couldn't remember what was real and what he'd made up.

Lexi sat up slowly and scooted to the edge of the bed, slowly turning around to present her back to him. Her long hair tumbled down her back to pool on the sheet. He moved it slowly out of his way. A web of scars started near her bra line and continued down her back to disappear into her pajama bottoms.

He used both hands to lift her to her feet, pulling the bottoms down to inspect the scars there. She had them on her buttocks as well as on the backs of her thighs. The ones low were the worst, the ridges raised and ugly. She felt the touch of his fingers, so gentle, almost a caress as he traced the scars with his fingertip.

The scars didn't matter now. She felt defeated. Caine had won after all. He had ruined her chance at a real relationship with a decent, caring man. She couldn't overcome her fears and the ugly memories of what sex was like with a monster. She was not going to subject Gavriil to a half-life with her.

Abruptly she swept her hair back down and stood up.
She couldn't look at him, couldn't let him see her face. She went to the drawers and yanked out jeans and a tee. She had a bag stashed under the stairs for a quick getaway.

“I'm going to sit out on the porch for a few minutes and catch the end of the storm,” she announced in a tight voice, and left the room.

She was going to run. Gavriil knew it just looking at her. He saw it in the slump of her shoulders and the way her head was down, but her walk was determined. He slid out from under the sheet, reached down and gathered his clothes, careful to stay silent.

He took a deep breath and tried to puzzle out what had gone wrong. She had felt exactly what she was supposed to feel. He hadn't gone too far, he'd been careful to just show her, not only how it could be wonderful between a man and a woman, but how he felt it should be. He'd never actually had that experience so maybe he'd blown it, gone too fast, tried to take her too far too quickly.

Out of habit he tucked a gun into the waistband of his jeans, pushed a knife into his boot and followed her. She hadn't turned on lights—neither did he. He only had a short time to figure out her thinking. Where had he gone wrong?

For the first time she had experienced true sexual desire. She had never known what it was to feel real desire for her partner. Her body had come alive under his mouth and hands. She'd been frightened of course, but not panicked, not sad—and he'd read sorrow in her eyes. What was it?

He went through the kitchen, avoiding the front of the house where he knew she stashed her sleeping bag as well as a “run” bag. And she was running from him, that much he was certain of. Why? He slipped out the back door, his mind turning over the problem while he circled around the house.

Lexi was a generous woman. A compassionate one. All along she had seen the man inside the body of a killer and she'd reached for him. She had offered him a sanctuary even knowing how dangerous he was. She wasn't afraid of him. She was afraid
for
him. Now everything clicked into
place. She didn't believe she could ever satisfy him, or give back to him what he could give her.

He understood. How could he not? The things Caine must have made her do were reprehensible and criminal. She was terrified of a sexual relationship, but she'd made up her mind to try—until she really knew what it felt like.

Rain fell on his face but he barely noticed. His hunting instincts had been honed over many years, and he knew she would go to the greenhouse and write letters to her sisters. She would never leave them without an explanation. All she had to do was walk off the farm and call witness protection and someone would come and get her. Lexi Thompson would disappear, and somewhere, far away, another woman would be born.

Every cell in his body rebelled at the idea. She wasn't going anywhere. He knew they could make it work. The fever for her burned too hot, was too addicting. It wasn't all about sex, although he had to admit to himself he wanted a physical relationship with her, that the urge was strong and would be enduring.

Lexi had given him knowledge he hadn't possessed in all the years he'd been alive. She had taught him love was given freely without thought of self. She thought herself broken beyond repair, yet he was the one that needed saving. He couldn't live without her. He'd been existing, and she'd been living a half-life. Together they made a whole. He just had to find a way to get her to see that.

He heard her weeping the moment he stepped inside the greenhouse. It was a cocoon of warmth. Plants grew huge and lush, a jungle nearly impenetrable, but he followed the heartbreaking sound to the western corner. She was sitting on the floor, her back to the wall, knees drawn up, her head resting on them, crying as if her heart was broken.

He stood there watching her for a moment, feeling as if he might shatter seeing her utter despair and misery. He took a deep breath and looked down at his hands. They were actually trembling. He'd never had that happen before. Too much emotion was paralyzing. He couldn't make a
mistake and he knew it. This was a defining moment and he had too much at stake.

He couldn't force her, even though a part of him wanted to lock her up until she understood they belonged together. It couldn't be that way. She had to want to be with him. It had to be her choice, not his. This was the most difficult moment of his life. He didn't want to lose, because if he lost her now, he would lose everything.

He skirted around the last row of tomatoes and came to a stop in front of her. She knew he was there, he actually felt her sudden awareness, but she didn't look up. Gavriil sank down beside her. Close but not touching. He wanted her to feel his warmth radiating toward her, but he didn't want her to feel he was forcing her to connect with him. She had to take that step herself.

“I don't want you to go, Lexi. I want you to choose me. Stay with me. I know I'm not much of a prize. I know my faults. I need a commitment from you. I need that, Lexi. Not marriage if you don't want it. If you give your word, that will be enough.”

She didn't respond or lift her head. Her soft crying continued. It was all he could do not to lift his hand to her hair.

“We're always going to have these moments of doubts, but if we both make that commitment, we'll always know the other will stand with us through them. I need to know you'll stand with me. I've got this hole a mile deep inside of me, and only you manage to fill it. No one else. There's never going to be anyone else. Neither of us is perfect, but together I know we can be whole. I want you to choose me, Lexi. Give yourself to me. I'll always cherish you, I promise.”

She lifted her head and leaned back against the wall, looking at him with tear-filled eyes. She looked so sad his heart hurt.

“You're the only reason I'm still alive, Lexi. Don't give up on us.”

She closed her eyes briefly. “I can't leave you. I tried, but I can't. I don't know why. I know it isn't even fair to you. It's a selfish need I can't overcome. You're like the flame
and I'm a moth fluttering around you. This is going to be bad for you and I can't stop. I can't make it stop. I feel like you woke me up and now I can't live without you. I can't go back to being alone all the time, but I have nothing to give you.”

“Isn't that for me to decide?”

“I don't know if it is, Gavriil. I feel a need to protect you. You won't protect yourself. Someone has to look out for you.”

“Then don't go. I've never been in love either, and it scares the hell out of me too, but I know it's real. When I touch you, kiss you, or just look at you, I know what I'm feeling is the real thing and I don't want to let that go.”

“How long can this last if I can't give you what you gave me tonight?”

There it was. He was on very shaky ground. A minefield. She had a thing about equality when it came to their relationship. She wasn't going to let him be the one always giving and she was absolutely certain she couldn't give back.

“Do you think in all my years of being an operative, I haven't had a woman sucking my cock?” His voice was harsh, and she winced, but he couldn't help it. Emotions were raw and painful, far worse than physical pain.

“That's not what I want from you and it will never be what I want from you. Not ever. I don't want you in my life so I can use your body. I'm good at seduction, Lexi. I can go to a bar and pick up a woman and use her if that's what I wanted. I want love. When you touch me, I feel love in your hands. When you kiss me, I taste love. I'm not in a rush. I'm enjoying all the firsts you've given me.”

“You're so certain, Gavriil.” Her eyes had gone very dark again. “I wish I could be like you, but I feel so confused. I feel like I'm running in circles with you. I don't know how to feel right now. I don't ever want you to look at me with disappointment.”

“I'm holding on by a thread,
solnyshko moya
.” He hesitated. “Do you know what that means?
Solnyshko moya?
It
means ‘my sun.' That's what you are to me. The sun. The world. All the bright, good things in the world right here in this tiny little package. My world was dark. I lived in the shadows, and damn it all, I belonged there. I wasn't a good man until I found you. You make me a better man. I'm fighting for my life here, Lexi. I need you to fight for me, not against me.”

“That's what I'm doing, Gavriil. I am. I want you to be happy. You're a good man whether you think so or not. I don't want to think about you with another woman. I want to be the one to be with you, but . . .” She trailed off, clearly miserable.

He reached over and threaded his fingers through hers, drawing her hand to his heart. “Just say yes and stop worrying about whether or not you can perform sexually. I can assure you, we're going to be fine in that area.
Both
of us. It isn't going to take much to arouse me, Lexi, not when you're the first and only woman who can do it naturally, without even touching me. You have no idea what an aphrodisiac that is. It's only been a couple of days. Give yourself time.”

“It's not like I did a very good job of saving you, Gavriil,” she said, her smile a little watery. “From yourself or from me.”

“You have no idea what you've given me, Lexi. Say it to me. I need the words, the commitment. If you say it to me, I know you'll stay and work out anything with me.”

She bit down hard on her lower lip. He brought her knuckles to his mouth, looking her in the eyes.

“You're so worried about the sex. It's so trivial compared to the other things we're going to have to work out, things you haven't thought about.”

Her eyebrow went up. “Like what?”

“Like my personality. Who and what I am. Do you really believe the wolf is going to turn into the lamb? I'm not an easy man, and I'm very dominant. You've lived with submission and it was ugly. I'm going to make mistakes and trigger memories. I have to live with that fear and it's far
more real and worrisome than whether every time we try to make love we succeed.”

His teeth scraped back and forth very gently over her knuckles. She blinked several times at him before she shook her head, a small smile touching her mouth briefly.

“You're always very gentle with me, Gavriil. Always.”

“Because you haven't crossed me over anything important. You know I'm going to hunt these men down and kill them, one by one if I have to, until they leave us alone. You're not exactly happy about it, but I
have
to do it. It's not something I want to do, it's a must. Any threat to you will be eliminated and you're going to object every time.”

She leaned her head against his shoulder with a little sigh. “Can you imagine two more screwed up people? Seriously, Gavriil. What are we going to do?”

“Stay here and commit to me. We'll work the farm together and learn to laugh and love together. As much as it's all a first for me, it is for you as well. There's no urgent timetable. Sex isn't going to glue us together, love is. We have to build a solid foundation and work from there. I intend to treat you so wonderfully you won't ever want to walk out on me again.”

“I was
saving
you, not walking out on you.”

“It feels the same. I'm not going to play the I-need-you-in-my-life-to-survive card—even though it's the truth. Don't do it again to me. Stay. Say it. Look me in the eye and say it to me. Your word that you'll stick with me through everything.”

“Do you really want me? Knowing everything about me?”

“You're the only one who can make me whole. I want you with every breath in my body. I need you that much, Lexi.”

She lifted her head and looked into his eyes, her green gaze searching his carefully. The rain wept on the glass rooftop. The wind wailed at the glass walls. He held his breath. The dark, ugly place inside of him that was a hollow hole waited to swallow him.

She smiled. “Then I guess we're going to work it all out together. I'm in it for the long haul because I want to be with you more than anything else.”

Air moved through his lungs. The dark hollow place receded, shrinking away from her light, not daring to compete with her. There was no competition, not when she loved him enough to try to overcome her fears. Not when she couldn't leave him. Not when she cried for him.