Dying to Be Me (25 page)

All these feelings came from a view that the universe is lacking and limited, when it’s actually infinite. It’s capable of growing and encompassing as much as we are. It’s up to us to expand and allow in as much as we want, but it has to be done from the inside out, not the other way around.

Once I realized that there’s nothing outside my infinite self, I could begin to focus on viewing myself as an ongoing work of perfection—but in a way that’s dynamic, not static. Like a kaleidoscope that turns from one exquisite image to the next, perfection is constantly in motion. To me, this means seeing beauty in the journey and in the apparent mistakes as they take me to another level of understanding. My aim is to feel good enough about myself to get to a point of trust, and in that state, to let go of the outcome. When I began observing my own flawlessness, I started to notice my external world reflecting this. I was attracting what’s best for me, which is also the best thing I can do for the universe.

Going out and changing the world doesn’t work for me, as I’ve said before. It only feeds into the same judgmental energy that’s causing problems in the first place since it stems from the opinion that something is wrong and needs to be changed. Instead, letting go of attachment to any way of believing or thinking has made me feel more expanded and almost transparent so that universal energy can just flow through me. More positive coincidences happen in my life when I’m in this state of allowing.

We always attract the perfect results, and like calls to like. So the kinder I am to myself, the more outward events will reflect that. The harder and more judgmental I am toward myself, the more my situation will match it. The universe always proves me right in my opinion of myself!

Previously, I used to
pursue,
feeling as though I had to do, get, and achieve. However, the very act of going after something stems from fear—we’re afraid of not having what we truly want. It keeps us stuck in duality, because the focus is on the inherent separation between the hunter and the quarry. Now, however, I no longer chase anything. Instead, I
allow.

For example, when I feel an incredible desire for where I want my life to go, I know that if I were to pursue it aggressively, this would only cause me to fight against universal energy. The more effort I have to put into trying to attain it, the more I know that I am doing something wrong. Allowing, on the other hand, doesn’t require effort. It feels more like a release, because it means realizing that since everything is One, that which I intend to get is already mine.

The process of allowing happens by first trusting, and then by always being true to who I am. In this way, I will only attract that which is truly mine, and it all happens at the rate I’m comfortable with. I can keep focusing on what worries me or what I think I need or find lacking, and my life won’t move toward what I’d like to experience. It will just stay the way it is now, because I’m paying attention to my fears and what upsets me or leaves me feeling unfulfilled, instead of expanding my awareness by trusting and allowing new experiences. So I can let the picture materialize slower or faster, depending on how quickly I want to let go of my worries and relax into the process. The more attached I am to certain ways of thinking or outcomes or the more fearful I am of new adventures, the slower the development will be, because I’m not open to the process. I’m not allowing universal energy to flow through me naturally.

Having said all that, I don’t actually sit and ponder every choice or possibility. All I really do within each moment is to consciously
live
in that space, which is done internally, not externally. Outside, there’s nothing to pursue and nothing to attract. And since the universe is within, whatever I experience inside myself affects the Whole.

Since the tapestry of all time has already been woven, everything I could ever want to happen in my life already exists in that infinite, nonphysical plane. My only task is to expand my earthly self enough to let it into this realm. So if there’s something I desire, the idea isn’t to go out and get it, but to expand my own consciousness to allow universal energy to bring it into my reality here.

Pursuing what I desire only reinforces separation, whereas
allowing
means realizing that since we’re all One and everything is connected, that which I desire is already mine.

CHAPTER 18

Questions and Answers

In the months and years following my NDE, I’ve had many opportunities to speak to various groups throughout the world about my experience. The following are some of the questions and answers that have resulted from these conversations.

Q: How do you define the “unconditional love” that you experienced in the other realm, and how does it differ from the love we experience in this physical reality?

A: The love in the other realm is very different in that it’s pure in essence. It has no agenda and no expectations, and it doesn’t act out of emotion or react differently depending on one’s actions or feelings. It just is.

Q: Do you feel that it’s possible to replicate that state of unconditional love here, in this physical realm?

A: Each of us, at our core, already
is
pure and unconditional love. However, when we express it here in this physical realm, we filter it through the mind, and it then expresses itself as human emotions.

The best metaphor I can think of to illustrate this is the example of white light
passing through
a prism. Unconditional love is like pure, white light. When you shine it through a prism, it refracts into all the different colors of the rainbow. These represent our emotions—joy, love, anxiety, envy, compassion, hate, empathy, and so on.

Each of us is like a prism, refracting pure white light (love) into all the different colors of the rainbow, and all of the hues (emotions) are equally needed for the whole. Few people, if any, would ever bring moral judgment against any given color. We wouldn’t say, “Oh, that color is evil,” or “That color is sinful.” But we do this to people and their expressions of emotion, seeing some feelings as right and others as wrong.

When we judge some of our emotions as being negative and try to deny them, we’re suppressing part of who we are. This creates a blockage within us and prevents us from expressing the fullness of our magnificence, just as extracting certain colors from the spectrum on the basis of a moral judgment would truncate the light and make it something it really isn’t.

We don’t have to act on every emotion; we just have to accept that they’re part of who we are. Denying them would be like prohibiting a certain color from being refracted through the prism. Only by embracing the full spectrum of our feelings without judgment, can we get in touch with the pure essence of unconditional love that resides at our core.

Q: Is it your opinion that before we take physical form, we’re already magnificent beings completely aware of who we truly are? If so, how does our magnificence get eroded and our sense of self become so damaged when we come into this life?

A: I’ll tell you what I feel, but I think it will only raise more questions than answers! It seemed to me that we aren’t meant to forget who we are, and that life isn’t meant to be so difficult. It felt as though
we
made it tough here with our misplaced ideas and beliefs.

The internal understanding I received in that realm came as sort of an “imprint,” but if I put a voice to it, here’s what I would have been saying internally in that state:
Ooh, so life isn’t supposed to be such a struggle—we’re supposed to enjoy it and have fun! I wish I’d known this! Oh, so my body created the cancer because of all my dumb thoughts, judgments about myself, limiting beliefs, all of which caused me so much internal turmoil. Boy, if only I’d known that we’re just supposed to come here and feel good about ourselves and about life—just express ourselves and have fun with it!

Now this part is a little hard to explain, but let me try. I had a question that was something like this:
Why did something
so big
—like this terminal cancer thing—happen to me just for not realizing my own magnificence?

Simultaneously, I had this understanding:
Ooh, I see—it didn’t happen
to
me, because in truth, I’m never a victim. The cancer is just my own unexpressed power and energy! It turned inward
against
my body, rather than outward.

I knew it wasn’t a punishment or anything like that. It was just my own life force expressing itself as cancer because I didn’t allow it to manifest as the magnificent, powerful force of Anita. I was aware that I had a choice as to whether I wanted to come back into my body or go onward into death. The cancer would no longer be there because the energy was no longer expressing itself that way but was going to be present as my infinite self.

I came back with the understanding that heaven truly is a state and not a place, and I’ve found that bliss has followed me here to Earth. I know this sounds really strange, but I even feel that our “true home” is also only a way of being and not a location. Right now, I feel that I’m home. I have no desire to be anywhere else. It makes no difference to me now whether I’m here or in the other realm. It’s all just different parts of the experience of our greater, expanded, infinite, magnificent self. Our real home is within each of us and follows us wherever we go.

Q: Since I haven’t had an NDE myself, is there a way to build up and maintain trust in the incredible life force that you speak of?

A: Absolutely. It’s not necessary to have an NDE to realize your magnificence.

My experience taught me that the best way to build up and maintain trust and a feeling of connection with Universal life-force energy is from within. It starts by loving and trusting myself. The more I’m able to do so, the more centered I feel in the cosmic tapestry. The more connected each of us feels, the more we’re able to touch others, enabling them to feel the same.

Q: What part in your healing and recovery did your belief system or faith play, if any, and how have your beliefs changed since then?

A: Absolutely no faith in anything was required for my healing. Rather, I’d say that it was the complete suspension of all previously held beliefs, doctrines, and dogma that caused my body to heal itself. In my case, the NDE was the catalyst.

From my point of view, strongly held ideas actually work against me. Having concrete beliefs limits my life experiences because they keep me locked into only what I know, and my knowledge in this world is limited by my physical senses. Being comfortable with uncertainty, on the other hand, opens me up to all possibilities. Ambiguity is wide open to infinite potential.

Needing certainty shackles my potential for the unexpected. Feeling
I don’t know,
or
Let’s see what happens,
allows my expanded self to provide answers and solutions that may be completely serendipitous and outrageously synchronistic. When I step into the realm of ambiguity I’m really at my most powerful. Letting go of all previous beliefs, disbeliefs, dogma, and doctrines puts the infinite universe at my disposal and works to give me the best possible outcome for my life. This is where I receive the most internal clarity. It’s where magic happens.

Letting go of all previous attachments is an embrace of freedom and shows trust in my own divinity and magnificence. This, too, is a form of healing. When I release the need to heal physically, life becomes more free, whole, and enjoyable.

Q: Do you feel that your faith in the Source was a factor in your healing?

A: In my experience, I
became
the Source, and there was total clarity. There was no source outside of my own expanded awareness. It felt as though I encompassed totality. As I’ve mentioned, no faith in anything was needed for my healing because in that state, there’s total clarity, and it felt as though everything became known. Belief or faith gave way to “knowing.” It seemed that I became everything—I existed in everything and it all existed within me. I became eternal and infinite.

I awoke into this clarity, so I just understood. I knew that if I chose to return, my body would be healed. Because of the nature of my experience, my sense is that at our core, we’re all One. We all come from Unity into separation, and then return to the Whole. I feel that my NDE was a glimpse of that Oneness. I could refer to it as
God,
or
Source,
or
Brahman,
or the
All That Is,
but I think different people have different ideas about what it means. I don’t perceive the Divine as a separate entity from myself or anyone else. To me, it’s a state of being rather than a separate being. It transcends duality so that I’m permanently united from within and am indivisible from it. My physical expression is just a facet of this Whole.