Dragon: Allie's War Book Nine (37 page)

“In any case,” I said, exhaling again. “I’m out of time. The meet is this afternoon…so I’m going to very
quickly
and very
quietly
deal with another matter while the rest of you
stay here.”
I hardened my voice at the last. “I’ll be back before they are…I promise you.”

Raising my voice slightly when he started to shake his head again, I hammered my words.

“Dalejem! You need to let it go.”

Dalejem’s expression didn’t soften, nor did he stop shaking his head.

“And why must you go alone?” he said. “Without back up? Why are you bringing that piece of monkey excrement with you…without any of us there to watch your back? You said yourself that having him with you makes you
more
of a target, not less.”

I felt my jaw harden.

Then, shrugging, I told him the truth.

“Because I can’t risk any of you turning on me in the field,” I told him. Feeling the shocked reaction in his light, I looked him directly in the eye. “My husband may have trusted you…” I swallowed, forcing a sudden shock of emotion off my light. “…I’m hoping you will not be offended if I tell you I’m still reserving judgment, particularly where my own life is concerned. In any case, I have only your word for it that Revik asked you to come with me at all.”

I’d meant to say more, but I stopped, still battling emotion out of my light.

Then I shrugged, still not quite meeting his gaze.

“I mean no offense,” I said. I used formal Prexci that time, making a further polite symbol with my hand. “But I’m sure you understand why I might need to be careful. Surely you can’t begrudge me that?”

“Why don’t you just look?” he said.

His voice came out gruff.

It was more than that. I felt emotion there. A lot of it.

More than I wanted to deal with right then, truthfully.

When I glanced over, I caught him studying my face. That same emotion lived in his eyes as I’d felt in his light, intense enough that it was difficult for me to hold his gaze. I did it anyway, still trying to decide what I was seeing in him.

“Just look,” he said. His voice held a note of surrender, his light opening even as I felt a darker coil of anger on him. “I give the memory to you, sister…all of them, if you desire more from me than the specific one I offer. Look. Look at me in entirety. Then perhaps you will believe me and we can stop wasting time with this fucking dance…I’ll let you see any part of my light you want, if it will reassure you.”

I was already shaking my head.

I felt the openness in his light. I felt the sincerity of the offer. I could tell he meant it about the open-ended part, too.

Even so, I couldn’t go there. Not now.

He didn’t need to spell it out. I could plainly feel that his and Revik’s little chat had been emotional. And I wasn’t exactly in the mood to watch my husband have an ex-lover’s spat with a seer who obviously still had feelings for him.

“No, thank you,” I said, my voice stiffly polite.

Dalejem let out an incredulous snort. Shaking his head, he clicked at me, a kind of disbelieving anger touching his voice.

I heard the understanding there, too.

“Gaos.
You really are hanging on by a thread, aren’t you…sister?” he said. “This whole military front is nothing but a load of shit…just a big fucking avoidance.”

I heard scorn in his voice, but I felt something different on his light. His aleimi pulsed with a more complex mix of anger and understanding and empathy.

Somehow, I flinched more from the empathy than the anger.

“You can’t even bear to hear his fucking
name,”
Dalejem continued harshly, still staring at me with that understanding in his eyes. “You can’t bear to have him mentioned at all, can you? Now you won’t look at a memory of him…a fucking
memory.
Even if it might save your life. Why? Because you don’t want to be reminded he exists?” Lowering his voice to a growl, he hit out at me with more light. “…Or are you afraid of seeing something you don’t want to see? Do you really trust your husband so little, sister?”

I felt my jaw harden.

Enough to hurt my teeth.

I didn’t lower my gaze though.

“You’re willing to risk your life to avoid knowing whether or not you can trust him with me?” he said, his voice bordering on incredulous. “Because I think that’s pretty fucking childish…don’t you?”

I forced myself to look away.

Making another polite motion with my hand, I put my hands on my hips.

“I don’t have to explain myself to you,” I said.

He let out another incredulous snort.

I felt my temper surge before I could stop it.

“What the fuck
business
is it of yours how I feel?” I gritted my teeth. “Or what I want to avoid? Who the
fuck
do you think you are, asking me about that?”

Seeing his eyes change, I forced myself silent, averting my gaze.

“He left you, too,” I said, colder. “Or does it somehow reassure you when you can mock me for the same? Does that make us ‘even’ in your eyes?”

When I glanced at him that time, Dalejem stared at me. His expression bled into an open bewilderment the few seconds I watched, even as he opened his light, startling me again by the sheer amount of himself he seemed willing to have me see and feel.

Most of what I felt was confusion, though.

Waving off what I saw forming there, I went back to arming myself, shoving a knife in my boot sheath and pulling a few more magazines out of the open crate.

Shaking my head, and maybe regretting my own words by then, I let my voice grow more subdued. “An offer of your memories is enough for me right now, brother. Do with that what you will.” Still scanning weapons with my eyes, I added, “I don’t have time to get in a pissing match with you about Revik. However, if you stick around long enough, there are plenty of others here you can spar with on that front. You don’t need to do it with me.”

I started to move past him, towards the door where my armored coat hung, but he stepped directly into my path. I looked up at once, sending out a pulse of heat with my light.

I didn’t turn it into anything other than that, but I felt myself restraining it that time.

“Get the fuck out of my way,” I said.

“Take me with you,” he said, blurting the words. “If you’ve decided to trust me on the one point, you should trust me on the rest.”

“Should I?” I said.

“Yes,” he said, his eyes meeting mine. “Yes…you should. For tactical reasons alone, my Esteemed Bridge.”

I stared up at him incredulously, then clicked again, shaking my head.

“You don’t fucking give up, do you?”

“No,” he said, blunt.

I forced myself to dial down my light. It wasn’t easy.

“What tactical reasons would those be?” I said.

His voice and light grew openly deferential. “You need someone to watch your back. Anyone would…even on a scouting mission. I will ask you no more questions. I will follow orders…” At my derisive snort, he made a further deferential motion with his hand. “Please, Esteemed Sister. It is better if you have a second aleimi and a second pair of eyes…if only for the fact that you are bringing a prisoner with you.”

He spoke faster, maybe in response to the resistance he felt in my light.

“…You said yourself that having him with you increases the risk,” Dalejem repeated, releasing me but continuing to stand in my path. “There are those who will risk more for both of you than they might for only one. Take me with you, sister…please. I can at least hold the Rook for you. I can keep him from distracting you at a critical moment.”

Looking up at him, I felt my frustration turn into a near-anger again.

On the other hand, it struck me suddenly that maybe refusing him on principle wasn’t the best idea right now. I needed to think like Revik would on this. Strip out the unnecessary bullshit.
 

Pure tactical. Nothing else.

Fighting not to think about him beyond these narrow confines, I jerked my eyes off Dalejem’s, trying to think.

Maybe he was right. If I was going to trust him, why not actually use him? I couldn’t tell him everything, of course…especially now. But chances were, I’d have to confide with someone in our group. Eventually. At least about some of it.

And the truth was, I knew he was right.

I could use him. He was a good infiltrator. I’d seen that much already.

He seemed to watch me think about this.

His light opened more, again disarming me.

“If I don’t go with you, you can be damned sure I’ll watch from afar,” Dalejem added, motioning sharply at the door. “And I’ll involve the others, if I think you are in danger.”

I let out another disbelieving laugh. “You go from begging me to threatening me?”

“I will do whatever I have to do, Sister.”

He started to say more, then bit his lip. Even so, I felt enough off his light to know what he would have said. He would follow me, whether I gave him permission or not. Worse, he would pull the others into it at the slightest chance I might be hurt or killed.

He could fuck up everything, in other words.

Exhaling more in irritation that time than anger, I glanced at Feigran, conscious suddenly that he was watching us both silently, listening to us argue. When I looked at him though, I saw his amber eyes focused over both of our heads, as if the conversation going on up there was infinitely more interesting that the one coming out of either of our mouths.

Giving a low snort in spite of myself, I looked at Dalejem, appraising him openly. After a few more seconds, I conceded defeat, just like I had in Bangkok.

“Fine,” I told him. “Don’t get in my fucking way.” I glanced back at Feigran. “And keep him alive, brother…I mean it. If he dies, it’s on you. You won’t like the repercussions, I promise you…whatever you tell yourself now.”

Dalejem was already nodding, relief pulsing off his light.

That relief came through so intensely that I couldn’t help but pause, staring at him. He didn’t wait, but immediately bent over the weapons crate. I watched him for a few seconds more as he grabbed a Beretta and four magazines, cramming them into the pocket of a vest even as he lobbed that same vest over one shoulder, shoving his arm through the hole.

Eventually I turned away, walking the rest of the way to get my coat.

Pulling it off the rack, I slid an arm into one sleeve, still watching in my peripheral vision as he loaded up on grenades, too, noticing only then that he already wore more or less full combat gear, if minus the vest he’d just donned. He even wore anti-grav boots, and I saw a row of flares worn at his belt in a neat row of light-green cylinders.

Looking at him, I shook my head, clicking softly in spite of myself.

No wonder he and Revik ended up together.

But that thought pained me, too.

Enough that I couldn’t breathe for a few seconds after it passed through my light.

He joined me at the door in less than a minute, Feigran in front of him, one of his thinner arms held firmly in Dalejem’s muscular hand.

“Can you tell me where we are going?” he said politely, following my hand with his eyes as I reached for the door handle. “Or is that privileged information as well?”

Thinking about the question, I sighed. “We’re going on a hunting expedition, brother.”

Dalejem studied my eyes, his mouth held in a harder line. His voice remained unerringly polite. “And what is it we’re hunting precisely, most Esteemed and Unquestionable Bridge?”

I flipped my hand sideways, ignoring the faint jab.

“Maybe another seer in Shadow’s Network.” I hesitated, then shrugged with the same hand. I found myself thinking fuck it, I might as well just tell him everything. “…Maybe an intermediary,” I admitted.

Dalejem stared at me. “An intermediary.”

“Maybe,” I said.

“But how is that possible?” He frowned. “I thought you had identified all nine of the living intermediaries.”