Down to Ash (#Dirtysexygeeks Book 2) (21 page)

Shit, for her to walk away without pointing out all the women he'd dated over the years, plus her brother and the Goon Squad put together, must have taken a gargantuan effort. But he'd been desperate and willing to use everything in his arsenal to get her to leave.

It was just the thought—the simmer of fear burning in his gut—that he'd somehow, with all his baggage, diminish her light. That was enough to make him believe he was in the right for doing and saying what he had.

“So you're going to fix this?” Wade’s words broke into Victor’s thoughts.

Victor tugged a hand through his hair and cussed. Did it again and again until the sharp stab in his chest relented. He looked to Wade who only shook his head.

“How?” Victor asked, his voice low, raw.

“Hell if I know. I'm single. You should probably ask Grady. Or Oliver.” Wade rose, sighing like an old man. “Do you need me to stay the night at your place?”

Three days without sleep would put Victor in a danger zone. “Yeah. I'll pick up dinner.”

“Buy a ring while you're at it. I'm pretty sure that could help you, you idjit.”

Wade left, probably on his way to Ash's office. Victor balled his fists again at the thought. He could have her hurt her. A nightmare had pulled him from sleep and his first instinct had been to grab his gun. Ash had been there though. She didn't need to wake up to him wild-eyed and wielding a Glock. So he'd gone to the living room and had found something mindless to watch. Unfortunately, it’d turned out to be a military movie with guns blazing and bombs going off. That had been all he needed to get sucked into a flashback.

Victor was right in forcing her to walk away. He was keeping her safe, even if that meant from him. His own heart was aching but he could live with that
.
And she'd get over him eventually. Him, though, he'd tried every method to get over her and none had ever worked.

*****

Ash didn't leave for work until 5:30. She wasn't actively avoiding Vic, but if she didn't run into him, in her book, that wouldn’t have been a problem. She was cranky, anyway. She hadn't slept for two damn days. Her bed was too empty at night, and without being snuggled next to Vic, her bed felt too cold.

“What a bastard,” she muttered darkly.

Movement at her car caught her eye and she stopped. Porter lounged against her vehicle like he hadn't been the first one to rip out her heart.

She so wasn't in the mood. Ash waltzed right past him to the door, unlocked it, and folded herself into her car. He stuck his hand out to keep her from slamming the door shut.

Ash almost growled at him. “You're lucky I love you or you would have drawn back a nub.”

He held her gaze. She knew the words before he spoke them. “I'm sorry.”

Too annoyed, pissed, and hurt to take the words to heart, she grunted. “Apology not accepted. Move so I can leave.”

He lifted one hand, palm up as if to ask for a chance. “What I said—”

She tugged on the door.
Nope.
“What you said hurt me in the most profound way, so an apology isn't enough.” The damn thing didn't budge. She glared at it, then him. “Move or I might change my mind about slamming your fingers in the door.”

He winced. “Five minutes. That's all I'm asking for.”

She glanced out the windshield. He wouldn't go away until he had his say, and he was her brother. Even in forty years, that fact would remain the same. Porter was her brother. She could give him some leeway if she felt charitable.

“Two minutes. Love or not, you're losing some fingers today if you go for three.”

He squatted so they were eye level, resting his forearms on his thighs, his hands pressed together. “I'm a shit.”

“But why...” She had to stop because the words wobbled.

“There's no excuse good enough in this world. I just—”

“You wanted to hurt me.” She threw her purse in the passenger seat. “What happened between Vic and me had nothing to do with you. I know how that sounds, but it's the truth. The only reason we hadn't...
s
ooner…was because we didn't want to hurt you.”

“I know, Ashley. But when he came back…” He hesitated, looking like he didn't want to finish the sentence. “Victor wasn't right. I was trying to keep you safe. And he knew how fucked up he was and still—”

Oh, God, how those words just twisted the knife lodged in her heart. “We're over, Porter. He thinks just like you. That should give you comfort. Your two minutes are up.”

He strong-armed her door. “What?”

The question was sharp enough to waylay her impulse to slam it on him. “He had an episode and broke up with me over it. So, we're done.” She kept her voice even. Yeah. Her heart ached and probably would always ache, but she was done letting the men around her make her cry.

He reached up and took her chin between his thumb and forefinger. “Want me to beat him up for you?”

Dammit. The lump in her throat threatened to choke her. Why did he have to sound just like Vic in that moment? “You guys are best friends and will be friends until the end of time. I'm the blip. So go make up with him and just leave me out of it.”

Porter laughed and shook his head. “He loves you and you love him. So
you
go make up with him.”

Her sight went blurry. “I don't love him.”

“Maybe you have him believing that, but I know better.” His gaze went over her face, and he huffed out a short laugh. “Maybe you haven't even admitted that truth to yourself yet, but I know this face. You were hurt by what I said about you, but you were way more pissed over what I said about Victor. I could see it. If you'd stuck around long enough, I would have apologized then. But you always did love a good flounce.”

She bit her lip, refusing to laugh at his last sentence. “You didn't call to say it, so your good intentions were just paving the road to hell.”

His mouth tightened. “What could I say?”

“You could have apologized...then I would have thrown it back at you.”

“Of course you would have. I was a dick.”

“Still a dick.” She turned away from his sharp stare to say, “And I don't love him. I will never love him. We're done.”

He snorted. “Then why are you crying?”

She didn’t know how she felt, but the question made her heart skitter. Did the breakup hurt? She'd played the clichéd “woman scorned” role for the last couple of days—eating ice cream, listening to sad music, and watching even sadder movies. Was that reaction love or just hurt? She'd let Victor in. How could she not have? He knew where all the bodies were buried. But love?

She scoffed and tugged on the door handle.

Porter laughed. “He's it for you.”

Ash stopped and glared at him. “And that's the only reason you feel compelled to apologize?”

“No.” The way he spoke that single word, strong and with conviction, told her he was speaking the truth. “Like I said, I was a shit. And he's going to be my brother soon in a very legal sense.”

Her fingers went slack over the door handle. “What?”

“Do you really think I'd just let him screw around with my sister and not marry her?”

Anger sparked hot and fast through her. She'd been close—so close to forgiving him. And now this?

“Oh, my God.” Her voice rose to an almost shrill level. “I hate men. You never listen.” She pushed him.

He had to reach back for the ground with one hand to keep his balance.

“With men, it's your way or no way,” she said. “So let me make this clear—hell will freeze over before I take him back.”

With Porter mostly out of the way, she slammed the car door in his face. Unfortunately, he had quick reflexes, so she didn't catch anything that could use a good nubbing.

Still, she heard him yell at her as she backed the car up, “Then you better get a jacket. A blizzard's coming.”

Since she wasn't angry enough to run him over, she left him standing there in the parking lot. Alive. With all his limbs.

He better count his blessings.

Her stomach continued to flutter throughout the ride home as one word kept pounding in her head
—Marriage.
Her and Vic forever? She scoffed at the idea. They were so far off from that finality. Though two days prior, she might have thought that if things continued to go well, that could be their eventual future.

Maybe.

Marriage was such a huge step, especially when she didn't know how she felt about him. Ash had been in love before. She'd know if she was head over heels in love with Vic. There should have been a mome
nt when cupid had shot his bow right between her eyes. But there was nothing. If what they had was love—the big 'L'—then she shouldn’t have needed to unpack how she felt about him. Her feelings would have bled out with every breath.

They were great in bed together. Pretty damn good out of it, too, when he wasn’t trying to save her from himself. They were great when she didn't feel the need to egg him on just so he would see her as Ash, not Ashley Hicks—Porter's baby sister.

If she were being honest with herself, how she felt about him really wasn't all that different than before they'd fallen into bed. The baggage of her and Vic was unpacked—and there was nothing startling in the revelations.

Her stomach continued to flutter as the word marriage pounded in her head. Ash chewed on that for a few minutes, the scenery flashing by as she continued to make her way home.

And then it hit her.

“Oh, hell,” she muttered, a little disgusted with herself for taking so long to see the writing on the wall.

She'd probably big-L loved him since the first grade. Or maybe she'd fallen for him at sixteen
,
the first time he'd grinned at her. Or when he'd flirted with her as they stood in her mother's home, headed to prom. She'd worn a pink dress and silver heels that had made her feel so grown up and sexy. She'd never shown so much skin before. And Victor, even with his date standing beside him, couldn't take his gaze off her.

Or maybe she'd fallen during the six years he'd been in Iraq and she'd been a borderline mess between each letter he'd sent.

Or maybe it was when he'd finally kissed her in her kitchen.

Her chest tightened and her breathing went unsteady. She pulled the car over and dug around in her purse for her phone. Of course it was at the bottom under makeup, forgotten to-do lists, and emergency Kotex. She hit speed dial.

Iris answered on the first ring. “What's up?”

Ash tapped her fingers on the steering wheel, uncertain how to forge ahead.

Just blurt it out?

Okay. She sucked in a breath and the let the words spill out. “I think I'm in love with Victor. Not love him as a longtime family friend, but in love.”

Silence on the other end, and then her friend said in a flat tone, “This is news?”

Ash sat dumbfounded. She'd thought her announcement would involve a lot more gasps and squealing and shock. When in the hell did her feelings for Victor become clear to everyone else but her? “Why didn't you tell me when I was ranting and raving last night?”

“I thought you knew. You just didn't want to say the words out loud. Being a good friend, I didn't point it out. Salt, meet wound.” Iris sounded genuinely confused. “It's kind of obvious.”

She lifted one hand and let it drop back down onto the steering wheel. “When was it obvious?”

Her friend made a
hmm
sound that pretty much asked “How can I say this lightly?”

“How long have I known you?” Iris asked.

Ash put her head to the steering wheel since she suspected the response was the beginning of Iris’s full answer. “Five years.”

“Okay. So at least five years.”

Ash shut her eyes. “I had a thing for him.”

“I thought
thing
was code word for stupid-in-love. You didn't talk about him a lot, but whenever you did, the conversation about him always turned deep. I know a lot about Porter. He's your brother and a bit of a control freak. I vaguely know about Porter's other friends. Vic, I know him by that name and not Victor. At work, he totally prefers that name.”

A smile spread out as Ash remembered how he ended up with that nickname. “He calls me Ash because it sounds like Ass if you're not paying attention. So I call him Vic because it sounds like victim. He was a ladies’ man in high school. It makes sense.”

Iris didn't reply, as though Ash had already presented all the evidence needed. She and Vic had nicknames that only they understand...so, yeah.

Ash, her defense growing weaker by the second, said, “But...”

Her friend laughed. “How could you not know?”

“I've been in love before. It's all...” She rolled her hand around as though, one, her friend could see the motion, and two, that it could describe what she meant by “it's all...”

Iris said, “Real love isn't...” Silence followed, and Ash smiled because her friend was probably doing a hand motion too. “So, there's the initial rush. You can't stop thinking about him. You want to spend all your time with him. Right?”

“Right. And that's what I've felt before and there wasn't any of that with Vic.”

Again, silence. “Ashley, I say this with love, but—never mind.”

Ash laughed. “What?”

“Back to my point, that honeymoon kind of love wears off and he probably starts to get on your nerves. The sex is still good, you're still good. If only he'd stop clipping his damn toenails on your good towel. That's when you hit real love. Long-lasting love. You'd-die-for-them love. You know he's an ass, but you still love him. That's where you're at with Vic. And from the way he's been looking the past few days, he's there too.”

Ash could feel the smallest give in her gut at the description. If she accepted that she loved him—But, she couldn't. Those words meant too much. They meant they weren't done yet and that he could hurt her again.

“I'm not going to do this to myself. How I feel doesn't matter.”

Iris sighed directly into the mouthpiece. “I've never known you to give up.”

Ash made a disgruntled noise. “First time for everything.”

“Okay.” Iris's voice was bright when she agreed.

Ash narrowed her eyes as suspicion took hold at Iris’s easy retreat. “That's it?”