Double Indemnity (17 page)

“Before we go, there's something I need to tell you. Emma's orchid… I was going to give it to the nurse who takes care of my brother. It's in my truck. I won't do it if it makes you uncomfortable. I don't want you to think it doesn't mean anything to me—”

“I think it's a nice idea.”

They drove in comfortable silence, listening to the classic rock station Nathan had tuned in after Sam gave him permission to change the channel. He hummed a few bars of a particularly cheesy seventies power ballad and Sam held himself back from joining in, stealing a glance across the seat from the corner of his eye. Nathan was watching him too.

 

 

L
ISA
GAVE
Sam a smile and wave when he came in. She looked a little surprised to see another guest behind him.

“Good to see you, Sam,” she said. “He's been waiting for you.”

“I'm sorry I missed last week.”

She nodded, something sad in her eyes, and glanced between the two of them. Nathan shuffled on his feet.

“This is Nathan. He's a friend of mine.”

She extended her hand. “Nice to meet you.” Her eyes drifted to the orchid. “That's pretty. A gift for Tim?”

“No.” Sam set it on the desk. “You, actually.”

“Oh, that's so sweet.”

“I wanted to thank you for taking such good care of him.” Sam flushed a little under her pleased smile. It was just a damn plant. “I guess we'll head down, then.”

It had been a while since Sam had brought company with him to visit Tim. In fact, he couldn't remember the last time. There was something comforting about not having to be alone, but Sam knew it wasn't a feeling he could trust. This was a one-shot deal, born out of nothing more than Nathan's curiosity. It didn't mean anything.

Tim lay on the bed as he always did, staring blankly at the ceiling. A vase of flowers decorated the bedside table, and Sam thought Lisa must have put them there. He was glad he'd brought her the orchid.

“Heya, Tim,” Sam said. “This is Nathan. He wanted to meet you.”

“Hi,” said Nathan. He stood close to the bed, looking down at Tim. When he glanced back at Sam, his eyes were soft. “You two look alike.”

“Do we? You hear what he said, Timbo? You're as ugly as me.”

“That's not what I meant.”

Sam swallowed the hot feeling in his throat. “Yeah, well. You wanna sit?”

They grabbed two chairs and pulled them up to the side of the bed. Sam's leg brushed against Nathan's as they arranged themselves, sitting close together.

“So what do you usually do when you're here?” Nathan asked.

“I talk to him. Sometimes I read. You know, he never got to finish high school. When he wakes up, I want to make sure he's familiar with all the classics, so he doesn't fall behind.” It sounded so stupid to say it out loud, Sam wanted to cringe. Nathan merely smiled.

“That's a good idea.”

For some reason, the answer made indignant rage bubble out of his mouth. “No, it's not. It's a fucking dumb idea. He can't hear a goddamn thing I say.”

“How do you know that?”

“Because if he could hear me, he'd wake up.” Again, a child's answer. Sam suddenly wished he could kick Nathan out or reverse time so that he'd never invited him in the first place. He turned back to his brother on the bed. Tim's face was placid, as innocent as an angel's. The fact that Nathan thought they looked alike didn't make any sense.

“What do the doctors say?”

“That he can probably hear, or maybe…. They don't know. They don't know anything. They told me he'd never breathe on his own, but look, he's breathing. They say even if he wakes up, he'll be a vegetable, because of the brain trauma. He'll never regain anything but basic motor functions. They don't know my brother. He's smart, you know. An A-student. A helluva lot smarter than me.” Burning threatened his eyes, and instead of blinking the tears away, Sam let them fall.

“They treat him well here?”

“Yeah, but the insurance won't cover the bill anymore, and after New Year's they're going to transfer him to some state-run place.” He wouldn't get the care he needed there, and he wouldn't wake up. That was the reality, and he'd just confessed it to Nathan. He hadn't mustered the courage to tell Yuri or Rachel yet. He wasn't sure he could stand their pity.

“I wanted to keep him here to give him a chance, you know? To make up for the fact I was a selfish dickhead when I was young. And I've tried. I've tried.”

“Of course you have. But we're all selfish when we're young. There's no way you could have known, back then, what would happen.”

“That's true, but it doesn't change the facts.”

“You sound like me.” Nathan huffed a sigh.

“Yeah. I guess I do.”

Nathan squeezed Sam's shoulder, and Sam thought about the times Nathan had touched him—at least three today. “What happened, with the accident?”

“They were driving to a Christmas party, and they hit a bad patch of road. My father lost control of the wheel. I was still on campus.” He'd been so happy—with a real boyfriend for the first time—getting laid, being free. The thought of going home for the holidays had sounded like so much of a drag, he put it off until the last possible moment. And then he got the call. “My parents died. And Tim…. I can't help feeling I should have been there, but I wasn't.”

Nathan's hand stilled where it had been rubbing, and Sam leaned into the touch, wanting it to continue even if he didn't deserve it.

“You once gave me some pretty good advice, and I want to return the favor. You shouldn't have been there. Thank God you weren't.”

Sam didn't feel like arguing, not when Nathan started massaging him again. His warm hand cupped the back of Sam's head. His fingers scratched lightly, and Sam couldn't help the way his body responded. His cock twitched with interest, not confused like his brain. He closed his eyes and hoped Nathan didn't notice.

Thoughts jumbled in his head like wet laundry in a broken drier. Maybe Nathan was touchy-feely with all his friends. Maybe it was a little fucked up to be seeking comfort from a guy whose wife had been murdered not four months before. Maybe it was even more fucked up to be sporting a semi in the same room as his comatose brother.

“Feels good,” he mumbled, letting his head fall to his chest.

With his talented fingers, Nathan sought all the places where the knots resided, and released them, one by one. Sam felt like he was floating. He couldn't remember ever being touched so tenderly.

“I have to go,” Nathan finally said, a hint of regret in his voice.

“Oh? Where?”

“It's… work related.”

The smell of mass-produced turkey and mashed potatoes wafted in from the hall, announcing the beginning of meal service for those patients who could still eat on their own. Along with Nathan's news, it was enough to break the spell. The sudden cold on the back of his neck hit Sam like a shock.

“I'll be gone for a few days or so.” Nathan glanced away, as though embarrassed, and Sam's gut curdled with jealousy as he thought about the night Nathan had told him about his last case. Maybe this job would require Nathan to go undercover and fuck, or be fucked. Sam couldn't decide which alternative pissed him off more.

He nodded, keeping his eyes on Tim. “Right. Well, good luck.”

“Thanks. And I'm sorry I have to leave like this, but I'm already late. I'll try to check in, see if you need anything.”

“I don't need anything,” Sam said, injecting hardness into his voice. When he turned around, Nathan was pulling on his coat.

“I'll catch a cab, all right?”

Sam stood and crossed his arms over his chest. “Fine.”

Nathan looked like he might take a step forward, so Sam stepped back. He ignored the slightly hurt expression he received in return. “Thank you for introducing me to your brother.”

“It's nothing.” Sam shrugged.

“Sam—”

“You don't have to tell me to stay out of the way, okay? I get it. Go on… do whatever you have to do.”

As soon as Nathan left, Sam regretted his behavior. He'd acted stupidly—out of some sense of entitlement, some false expectation that something was happening between them—in spite of what Nathan had told him. Maybe Nathan had seen his response after all and had wisely decided to put the brakes on. Or maybe he really did have to work. It didn't matter. Sam tamped down the hurt in his chest and let it bleed into numbness.

 

I
T
KEPT
raining. Sam and Yuri worked nine to five unclogging the last rotten fall leaves from drainpipes and readying their customers for the coming winter. According to the
Farmer's Almanac
, it was shaping up to be a real doozy. Even though Sam never put any stock in it, Yuri did, and it gave Sam something to tease him about. Or at least, it used to.

Things hadn't quite gotten back to normal since their fight. The ball was in Sam's proverbial court, but he didn't know how to broach the subject. He'd never been good at that. Besides, Yuri appeared perfectly content with his new boyfriend, smiling all the time in an aggressively cheerful way. To top it all off, over a week had passed since Nathan had left for work, and Sam had spent way, way too much time thinking about what he might be doing.

“Are you sure you don't want to come along tonight?” Yuri asked hesitantly as they packed up for the day. “Michael would really like to meet you.”

Sam grimaced at his muddy boots and kicked one of them against the curb to release some of the dirt. “Doesn't this guy have a nickname? Michael?”

“What does it matter? So, do you want to hang out or not? Rachel and Alex will be there too.”

“Oh fabulous, a double date. And I'm the fifth wheel.”

“Fine. Don't come. Have fun getting drunk by yourself.” Yuri turned away and opened the door to his truck, and something inside Sam gave way. He grabbed the handle.

“Wait a second. Yuri, I'm sorry. It's only—what you said to me—”

“Aren't you ever going to forgive me?”

“Of course. And I want to come along tonight and meet your new boy toy. I've had a lot on my mind.”

“A lot of someone, at least.”

Sam sighed, wondering when he'd gotten so transparent.

“You could always bring him along.”

“It's not like that. Listen,” Sam said, wanting to change the subject. “I've missed hanging out with you like we used to. I mean, I know it can't be like it used to. But you're still my buddy, right?”

“Of course, you idiot. So, will you behave yourself tonight?”

“I'm not making any promises.” Yuri glared, and Sam threw up his hands. “I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'll be an angel.” He drew an invisible halo around his head.

“You'd better be.” But Yuri was smiling.

It turned out the whole shebang wasn't half bad. For one thing, Michael was a lot less boring than Sam had expected. His freckles and fair skin contrasted with Yuri's dark looks, and even Sam couldn't deny they made an attractive pair. Michael had a sharp sense of humor too, laughing and telling horrible boss stories that rivaled Rachel's best. Alex, the quietest of the group, smiled indulgently at her girlfriend and her friends, twirling a strand of her white-blonde bob around one finger.

After dinner they decided to stop at the bar. Sam hung back with Rachel and Alex and let the new couple walk ahead. Once in a while, Michael slipped his arm around Yuri or moved in for a brief kiss. It seemed easy, comfortable, and Sam wondered if it would ever have been like that between him and Yuri if they'd made a go of it.

“He's nice, isn't he?” Rachel asked, giving Sam a meaningful look.

“Yeah, yeah. He's nice. I like him.”

“Good. Now make sure you tell Yuri that.” She nudged his shoulder.

“Okay, Mom, jeez. The two of you are ganging up on me like I'm some sort of a delinquent, lately.”

“You are a delinquent.”

“Oh yeah, I forgot.” Sam made a face.

Alex giggled.

Once at the bar, Sam found himself on the end, sitting next to Alex, while a few seats away, Rachel and Yuri debated the political relevance of the under-thirty generation. Michael acted as mediator in the debate. It was a headier topic than Sam was into for a Saturday night.

He and Alex rarely spoke without Rachel around, though, and Sam found himself struggling for something to say.

“So what are you two doing for Chanukah?” he asked. “Your folks live in Colorado, right?”

She nodded and put her gin and tonic on the coaster. “Yep. And believe me, I have no desire to spend the holidays at home.”

“They're still not okay with you being out?”