Dorothy Garlock (33 page)

“Eustace was a cruel, selfish man—”

“Your father?”

“He sired me, but I don’t like to think of him as my father. He came by his cruelty honestly. Old Grandpa was mean, too. I was ten when Mama died. Paul was a baby. Esther was fourteen. Mama had lost a couple of babies after Esther was born and again after me. The old man expected me to do a man’s work. When I didn’t do as much as he thought I should do, I didn’t eat.”

“Oh, myyy—”

“It was better than getting whipped. Usually Esther was able to sneak me something. As Paul and I got older, Eustace got meaner. He seemed to get satisfaction out of whipping us. It didn’t take much to set him off. Often he’d catch us in the barn, but if Esther was around she’d stand over us and defy him. I would hear her scream when the lash cut into her back, but she’d take it and not let him work his fury out on us. He was constantly telling us that he was the man he was because his pa didn’t spare the rod. I swore I’d never be a man like him.

“I left home when I was seventeen. I came back once a year to see Esther and Paul. About five years ago at Christmas time, I came back expecting to stay only a few days. Esther had married old Jens Knutson. Eustace had approved of the marriage and had given Jens what he considered Esther’s inheritance. She continued to keep house here, spending four or five days a week. She’d bring Hettie and Lily with her.

“There was a lot of ice that year. The old man went into the cow lot, slipped down and was gored by the bull. I ran in to pull him out and got a horn in the leg. He lived about two weeks, then blood poisoning set in and he died. I can’t say that I was sorry.”

“Does your leg hurt you much now?”

“It gets stiff and aches some, but that’s all.”

Owen turned Ana in his arms. His eyes devoured her face.

“Ana, I can’t turn my back on my sister and let Jens send her to the crazy house. She would be put into a small, cell-like room without a bed to sleep on. I’ve heard that they half-starve them and sometimes they take their clothes and keep them naked. Foster worked in a place like that for a short time. He said the crazy people are treated like mad dogs. He couldn’t stand it.”

“Of course, you can’t let her go there,” Ana said, her hand coming up to cup his cheek. “Do you want me to take Harry and go back to Dubuque so you can bring her here?”

“God, no! That’s the last thing I want.” His arms tightened around her, hurting her, clamping her to him. “Ana, Ana, I don’t want to lose you!” His whispered words came against the corner of her mouth.

Not realizing how she got there, Ana found herself on her back with Owen bending over her, his arms around her, his face in the curve of her neck. She slipped her arms around him.

“Do you want me to stay?” she whispered.

“Of course I want you to stay, but I can’t ask you to. You said once that Esther was dangerous. I realize now that she’s capable of hurting you or the baby.”

“Do you love me, Owen?”

“I love you more’n you’ll ever know. I’ve never loved anyone before, except maybe Esther, a little. But I’ll not ask you to stay,” he repeated the words in a husky whisper.

“You love me! Oh, Owen! Are you sure?”

“Of course, I’m sure. I tried to tell you last night.”

“And I . . . love you.”

He lifted his head and looked into amber eyes glistening with tears.

“You c-can’t—” The words came out as if some heavy weight had suddenly fallen on his chest.

“Why not?” Her lips trembled and a tear rolled from the corner of her eye.

“Because . . . because I’m not . . . good enough for you.”

“You are! You are, and . . . I love you!”

“Ana . . . An . . . a, sweetheart—” The soft, sweet smile that curved his lips was reflected in his eyes. “Someone as beautiful as you can’t love
me.
”

“Why is that so strange?” Her palms moved around to his cheeks and pulled his face toward hers.

“I’ve got to kiss you—”

“I want you to.”

He kissed her trembling mouth with incredible gentleness. He kissed her eyes, tracing the outline with sensual, delicate caresses. He sought her lips again. The pressure of his mouth was hard, seeking, demanding, willing her to respond. His tongue stroked her lips, and she allowed it to enter her mouth. Her breathing became erratic. She was swimming in a haze. Shock waves of desire hardened her nipples and twisted her belly. Her hand had found its way to the back of his neck, and her fingers buried themselves in the unruly, thick hair.

Ana caught her breath on a sob when his mouth left hers. She opened her eyes and looked into his. His eyes were devouring every detail of her face from the trembling, kiss-swollen lips to the dilated pupils of her glistening, golden eyes.

“I love you—” His voice was a ragged whisper. “Three words I’ve never strung together before, but they seem so right when I say them to you.”

She drew in a shaky breath, her voice very low. “I love you. I want to be your wife, share everything with you. We’ll work out something for Esther . . . together.”

“Love, you may want to think about it.”

“I’ve thought about it. A wife shares her husband’s burdens. We’ll take care of your sister. I think more of you for wanting to do it.”

His hand began to stroke her hair. “I wish it was night so we could go to bed and I could hold you. You’re the most wonderful woman in the whole world.” He sighed deeply. “I don’t understand how you can love a clod like me.”

“How can you love an old woman like me?” She echoed his words with a soft laugh.

“You’re not old. But . . . I’ll love you when you are!” The words came from deep in his heart.

She stroked his cheek with her fingertips. His arms tightened again and his mouth moved hungrily to hers. The kiss was long and deep. His tongue teased its way into her mouth with a loving, tender intimacy. He lifted his head, his blue eyes searching hers when she moved her mouth from his.

“I’ve never kissed before,” she whispered. “Am I doing it right?”

His laugh was light with happiness. “I don’t know. It sure feels good to me. I’m glad I’m the only one to know how sweet it is.” The tenderness in his voice brought moisture to her eyes.

After hours of kissing and touching, they lay on the bed, her head pillowed on his shoulder, and talked.

“Owen, I’ve been thinking that if Uncle Gus and Soren moved into the house, we could fix up the little house for Esther. Do you think she would be content if we put her mother’s things out there?”

“I don’t know. We’d have to lock her in. I’d hate to do it, but I can’t risk having her come in here and hurting you or the baby.”

“We could take her to Dubuque to the doctor.”

“If he declared her crazy, he’d lock her up. I don’t think I could stand to have her in one of those places.”

“Maybe we can hire someone to come here and stay out there with her.”

“Lily seems to be able to handle her. But Jens won’t let Lily and Hettie come here to live.”

“They’re both grown. He can’t keep them there if they had rather be here.”

“He’s Esther’s husband. He’ll have the law on his side if he decides to put her in the crazy house.”

“Then we’ll have to convince him that it’s to his advantage to let her come here.”

“The only thing that carries any weight with Jens is money.”

“If he puts her in the institution, he’ll have to pay for her keep.”

“He’ll not want to do that.”

“You realize, don’t you, that we may have to lock Esther in if she gets violent? We can keep her calm with laudanum, but after a while it takes more and more. One of the ladies I worked for on the bluff had a sister they kept in a room upstairs. It was either that or send her away and they couldn’t bring themselves to do that.”

“We’ll talk to Uncle Gus about it. Dear Lord, you’re sweet. Have I told you that?” he whispered against the top of her head.

*   *   *

It was while he was in the barn doing the evening chores that the heavy blanket of guilt began to cover Owen like a shroud. The miracle of Ana’s love had kept it at bay until now. A voice in his head called him a weak, stupid coward for not telling her the awful Jamison family sin. One voice insisted that he had the right to be happy, another told him that Ana would be revolted if he told her, and that she would think of it each time he touched her.

He honestly didn’t think he could endure her rejection.

Oh, God! He was so ashamed.

^“
I
swear
that I’m going to bash in that stupid German’s head before the summer is over.” Soren stabbed a potato with his fork and dropped it on his plate.

Owen’s eyes reluctantly left Ana’s slightly flushed face and turned to his cousin.

“What’s Procter done beside kick Foster?”

“Beside kick Foster?” Soren said incredulously. “Hell! That’s enough right there for me to rearrange the part in his hair.”

“I’ve yet to meet Foster.” Ana smiled at her husband. “His room upstairs is ready for him.”

“Better let him sleep in the barn tonight, Ana. If he follows the regular pattern, he’ll be in better shape to meet you tomorrow.” Owen’s smile was shy, but it was a smile Ana loved.

The lamp wick sputtered and the light between them flickered. Ana’s eyes, shining with happiness, sought Owen’s face again and again as if she could not bear to look away. She felt as light as a cloud. The joy in her heart caused it to beat erratically.
Owen loved her!
And he had not been the one who ruined Harriet’s life. She was free to love him—and she did. Oh, she did!

Supper was late because the men had become worried about the milky white matter in one of the new filly’s eyes. Fearing that she was blind in one eye, they washed it with warm water and tested it by waving a hand near the eye from behind. To their relief, she reacted. To test further, Owen brought the bright light of a lantern close to the foal’s eyes, and he believed both pupils had contracted at an equal rate.

Ana had been at the stove when Owen stepped into the kitchen to tell her they were sure the filly could see with both eyes. He had glanced over his shoulder to make sure Gus and Soren were still at the washbench on the porch, then dropped a quick kiss on the top of her head and squeezed her shoulder.

“Do you know what that German son-of-a-bitch—excuse me, Ana,—said to me?” Soren paused to fork another potato from the bowl and drop it on his plate.

“We don’t have to say a word.” Owen grinned at Gus and winked at Ana. “We couldn’t stop him from telling unless we gag him.”

“You’re damn right. Procter said, ‘What ya doin’ with my gal?’ He said that. That bastard—excuse me, Ana,—thinks he’s got a claim on Lily.”

“What does Lily think?” Ana asked.

“Hell! She can’t stand the sight of him.”

Soren fumed about Procter all through the meal. When it was over, Ana refilled the coffee cups and sat back down at the table waiting for Owen to speak of their plan for Esther. He brought up the subject almost as soon as she was seated.

“There is something Ana and I would like to discuss with you—both of you.” He waited until Gus set his cup down on the table. “Would the two of you be willing to move into the rooms upstairs so that we could make the old house into a place for Esther? Uncle Gus, you could still use the lean-to to make your brooms.”

Both men looked at him in stunned silence for several seconds before their eyes swung to Ana.

“Her mother’s things are terribly important to her. It would be a place where she could have them, and we could watch over her,” Ana said gently.

“Lass . . . ya want to do this?”

“Of course, Uncle Gus. I’m part of this family now. A family takes care of its own.”

“But after the way she’s . . . the mean things she said—” Soren sputtered.

“Esther wasn’t of sound mind when she did and said those things. If she had been, I would be hurt and terribly unforgiving. Poor Esther has not always been aware of what she does and says. If we can provide her with some contentment by surrounding her with her mother’s belongings, we must do it. I’ve got everything I ever dreamed of having—right here. It’s not only my duty to help take care of her, I want to do it. She took care of my husband when he couldn’t take care of himself. Now it’s our turn.”

“Think on it, lass. Esther could harm ya, or the babe.”

“Not if we are careful, Uncle Gus.”

Owen was conscious of nothing but the astonishing fact that this woman with the golden hair, with the bearing of a princess, was looking at
him
with eyes shining with love and offering to share his burden.

Ana’s eyes settled lovingly on Owen’s face, openly declaring her love for him. Her hands moved out onto the table. His large, calloused fingers met hers in the middle and clasped them tightly. Soren and Gus would have to be blind not to see the tender expressions on their faces and the love-light that shone in their eyes.

“Whoa—” Soren’s smiling eyes went from Ana to Owen and down to their clasped hands. “Hell! It’s about time. Hey, that’s great! I was thinking I’d have to give you some courtin’ lessons, cousin.”