Don't Tell Daddy (30 page)

“It’s never too late to go back. To get your life right with the Lord.”

“Do you see what I look like?”

“You think God care what you look like? Pamela, just come to church. I can guarantee you will feel a thousand times better.”

Pamela decided she would go, but only if she could stop and get some makeup to at least conceal her wounds.

So they all left the house together, and Jordan was right. Church made her feel better. But when the reverend called her over, she got a little nervous. “Just go on, Pamela,” Jordan encouraged. She walked over to the pastor, and he took her hands, looking down at her.

“You’ve been through some things, child,” he said knowingly, and she only looked up at him. “But the Lord is working it out. He’s taking the Devil’s hands off you. I don’t know exactly what it is, I don’t know you. But He forgives you.”

Pamela started swiping tears away. She hadn’t met this man in her life, and here he was sending word of the Lord’s forgiveness. She nodded, and he hugged her. “Pray, child,” he advised. She nodded, and she went and took Jordan’s hand. He didn’t ask, and she didn’t tell.

They went back to his house, and he made lunch. Her parents came and saw her. Jonta went and spoke to Jordan so that Carmella could get a moment with Pamela. “Come home,” she told her.

“Why?”

“Pamela, you’re going through a divorce. You can’t just spring yourself into a new relationship, and you can’t just spring a new man on your daughter. Take things slow. You don’t know that you’re ready for this.”

“I started looking for an apartment. If I come home, you’re going to have to see Bryan and I know you don’t want to. Lord knows what Daddy will do if he does. Pilar is still his daughter, and he is still a good father.”

“He choked you in front of your daughter.”

“He was choking me when she came in. He stopped when he saw her.”

“Pamela—”

“I can’t keep my daughter’s father out of her life because he did something to me. Bryan is capable of being a good daddy. He’s just not the man for me. I wanted to stay, Ma. I did. Every day, I wanted it to work out for these next seventeen years for our little girl. But I couldn’t deal when… When my daughter began to see it, I left. Bryan needed to cool off.”

Pamela shook her head at her own stupidity. She knew better than what she had allowed to happen. She knew better than staying in the first place, and infinitely better than returning. 

“But stupidly, I decided to go home because he missed the baby. So he put her to bed, but not long after that, shit changed. Open hands turned to closed ones and I never want to feel that again. I understood finally that if I stayed and kept lying, the shit would just get worse and worse. But he wouldn’t do that to Pilar. He did it to me because he wanted to own me. Because he didn’t want to see me with anyone else.”

Carmella stroked her daughter’s hair back. “Why didn’t you tell anyone what he was doing to you?” she asked, tears in her own eyes. “Why didn’t you say anything the very first time it happened?”

“I wanted to believe he wouldn’t do it again and then after that, I started believing it was my fault. If I just did what he told me to do… If I just acted right, he would keep his hands off me; and so I tried to be the perfect little Stepford wife. But it was overwhelming sometimes. The only good thing I could see from my marriage is Pilar. I mean… When I lost Julio, I was so close to leaving then. That was almost the breaking point. But when I got pregnant again, I just wanted us to be a family. So I stayed.”

“I couldn’t foresee Bryan becoming this way. He’s changed so much from the man I met. He would never have put his hands on a woman. Not even his daughters. But the fact that he would even involve himself with you should have been an indicator. I really cried my heart out when you married him, Pamela, because I begged you not to. Because a relationship between two people with your age gap, at your stages in life especially, usually do turn violent. Because a man with a young wife is always paranoid he will lose her. So he puts her down, tries to make her believe he’s the only one there is for her. That no one else will want her. He’ll give her nice things to say that he loves her. Pamela, I don’t care how many times and how many ways in how many languages Bryan told you he loved you. It was all bullshit, and it was all him taking advantage of your youth.”

Pamela didn’t say anything more about it. “I went to church today, Ma, and it felt really good. I think I want to go back.”

“That’s good, sweetheart. I wish you had kept going to church, but I wasn’t going to force you into it. You’d never accept Him for your own.”

Pamela nodded. When Carmella got up, Jonta came and sat with her. “Why didn’t you tell me he put his hands on you?”

“Because I wanted to stay.”

“You wanted—” Jonta stopped short and looked at his daughter, her face a wreck. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath so that he wouldn’t shout. “Why did you want to stay, Pamela?”

“For Pilar.”

“And that seemed like a good home structure?”

“When she saw it, I left. It was okay to me when her eyes were sheltered.”

“Pamela, I love you. But you sound really fucking stupid right now.”

“I know.”

“Why would you tell Carmella not to tell me?”

“Because I knew what you would do.”

“And he’s lucky I haven’t killed him. I didn’t approve of the marriage. I’ll grant you that. It was why I didn’t give you to him, Pamela. Because I couldn’t accept it. But by no means would I sit by and let him hurt my baby.”

“Your eyes are blacked.”

“And he’s in the hospital. Who got the worst end of the deal?”

“I left, Daddy. That’s the important thing.”

“Come home.”

She told him the same thing she told her mother, and Jonta’s face was screwed up. “You’re going to keep letting him see Pilar?”

“She’s his child, Daddy. I can’t change her biology.”

“No, but you can change her chemistry before these things are solidified in her mind.”

“I’m not taking his daughter away from him. He didn’t hurt Jada.”

“Yeah, and Heather also wasn’t getting her ass beat. Two different wives and two different daughters.”

Although a part of what Jonta was saying rang true to Pamela, she couldn’t see not allowing her daughter to have her father in her life. That man loved her like nothing in the world and Pilar loved him. 

“He won’t hurt her, Daddy. I’ll make him get counseling before he can have her alone. Okay? I admit, he’s developed some anger issues these past two years and I’ll make sure he works them out. But he has never hit our daughter or yelled at her and I don’t have reason to believe he’ll start.”

“Because hitting his wife wasn’t reason enough? Pamela, if you let that man see this little girl, and he hurts her, I’m going to kill the both of you; and that, I promise.”

“I understand that. He won’t do anything to hurt our daughter.”

“No? He sure did enough to hurt mine.”

Jonta looked at his baby girl. His only child. He never wanted this for her and he never imagined that things would turn out this way.

“You know the part that hurts me most, Pamela? Heather said you asked her if he abused her and at first, she thought it might just be an idle question. But people don’t ask questions like that without reason, but when she asked, you lied to her. You could have gotten help then, and you rejected it.”

“I was pregnant with my son. I wanted to stay.”

“Is that why you miscarried?”

“No. After the first time, it didn’t happen again until after I had Pilar. But Bryan could be so sweet that when he snapped I believed it was my fault. I mean… He was taking care of us and he took us places and he set up dates. So when he would slap me, I would tell myself to just be good. Because he treated me good. Honestly, the only reasons I left was because Pilar saw it the first time I left and because he came too close to killing me the second time. I don’t want to die. I want to take care of my daughter. I need to find a job.”

“No, you don’t need to worry about working, Pamela. Whatever you need, I’ll get it for you. But I want you to go to school. Better yourself.”

“Okay.”

Jordan invited her parents to stay and have dinner, and that night, Pamela slept in his bed. He held her. “Jordan?”

“Yeah, baby?”

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

He kissed her head, pulling her closer to him.

The next morning, her search for an apartment continued. Good news came to her in the form of a phone call from Jada. “I need a roommate,” she told her. “Your half of the rent would only be one-fifty and there’s a room for Pilar. I’m moving in today regardless, but I heard you were looking for a place to stay, so I told the landlord I could wait for you to sign the lease too if you like it.”

“What side of town?”

“West.”

“Works for me.”

Pamela got directions to the apartment, and it was only ten minutes away from Jordan’s house and fifteen from his church.

Pamela signed the lease with Jada. It was only for six months. By then, Jada planned on being out in Massachusetts.

Jada sat down and had a talk with Pamela their first night there. Pilar was asleep, and they sat on the sofa in their socks and pajamas. “I’m not sorry I fought you. But I am sorry my daddy did. What I did, you deserved. You had coming to you. What he did… I don’t know how you just accepted it. I mean, when you just let me hit you without fighting back, that was shocking. But how could you just let a man beat you up like that?”

“You wouldn’t understand if I explained,” Pamela said softly, looking down.

“No, you’re right. Pamela. I wouldn’t understand. I know we fell out, but I do still love you. Things ain’t the same, I know. But no man, not even my father, beating you like a man is okay.”

“Well, I left now, Jada. Okay? I left.”

“You take too much.”

Jada got up then and left Pamela alone to sit and think about that. She took too much.

Pamela didn’t get too deep in her thoughts before Jordan called asking to come over, and she told him he could. When he showed, he was looking especially good. He smiled down at her and kissed her. “Hey.”

“Hey.”

They sat on the couch, and he took her hands in his, playing with them. She couldn’t help just smiling at him. “So you really want to come back to church with me?” he asked. She nodded. He kissed her again. “I like to hear that.”

She moved closer and lay on his chest. He held her, still playing with her hands. “I think we should wait until we’re married to have sex again,” he told her.

“Okay.” She accepted it because he was just too good of a man to lose. They could find other things to do with themselves. Besides, a break from sex might give her a chance to think of the things she would want to do when they went there again.

Jordan left after a little while of talking and cuddling, and she walked him to the door. “I’ll see you tomorrow, right?” he asked. She nodded. “Good.” He leaned down and kissed her, and he left the apartment.

Pamela went to lie in her bed with Pilar, her tummy knotting up with butterflies. She was finally happy for the first time in a long time. Genuinely happy.

                                          *** ***

Pamela went to see Bryan at his office and he asked Jayden to leave so that he could speak to his wife in private. She sat across from him, crossing her legs and looking directly at him, not flinching and refusing to back down from him.

“I’m not going to keep you away from Pilar, but you need to do some anger management before I can trust you alone with her and have my peace of mind,” she said.

“What do you think I would do to our daughter?”

She looked up at him. What her father had said to her came back, and she knew that she had to assert this with Bryan in order to protect her daughter.

“I don’t know what I think you would do to our daughter when I remember what you did to her mother. You beat my ass. You choked me, you slapped me, you kicked me, you slammed me into the floor and walls, and you
punched
me, Bryan. I don’t know what you could do to our daughter. There was a time when I believed you would never hurt me. A time when your touches were always filled with desire. Not violence.”

Pamela shook her head. The more she spoke, the more her father’s words resonated with her. She considered where they had come from. She was sure no woman believed a man would begin to abuse her children because he had abused her. She couldn’t afford to ignore her common sense anymore. Not when it came to her baby. 

“I want to believe you would never hurt Pilar. You never hurt Jada. But I had something pointed out to me, and it’s true: two different daughters with two different wives. You didn’t do this shit to Heather. She was your equal, and when you couldn’t make me into the woman you thought I should be, shit got ugly fast. So if Pilar is not the perfect daughter Jada was, I don’t want to feel like I have to fear for her safety. I just want to end this chapter of my life and move on, Bryan. I don’t want to spend six months fighting in court. We can make this easy. Just give me what I want.”