Don't Tell Daddy (22 page)

“You
were
my only daughter.”

Jonta would never understand the sting in those words for her. She couldn’t imagine anything that would hurt her the way that did. It was almost like feeling her heart disintegrate into thin air, leaving a throbbing void. If Heather or Jada never spoke to her again, she would have to go on. Not having her father speak to her was another matter altogether.

“How can you just decide not to love me anymore?”

“I love you, Pamela, don’t ever get that confused; but I’m hurt and disappointed by the choice you decided to make and I can’t look at you.”

Pamela swiped tears away. She could see that this was going to get her nowhere. She only hoped that in time, her father would come around and speak to her again.

She and Bryan sat far away from their family; and when Jada’s team won, and Pamela congratulated her, Jada didn’t acknowledge it. “Jae, I’m sorry,” she pleaded.

“Hey, Lila, why don’t you come celebrate with us?”

Lila looked to Pamela, eyes asking if this was okay with her. Pamela didn’t think it was fair of Lila to not have the fun of celebrating with Jada for something she had done.

“It’s okay. Go. I’ll just go home.”

Pamela followed Bryan out to his car, and she stared out of the window. Nothing was going right. No one wanted to be bothered with her.

Bryan turned to Pamela. “When my divorce is final, do you want to marry me?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m not ready to be married.”

“So you’re prepared to have my child, but not to take my name?”

“Bryan, I can’t tell you honestly that I’ll continue this pregnancy.”

The brakes on the car screeched as the car came to a rough halt, and Bryan looked at Pamela. “Look at me, Pamela.”

She turned to him and he looked in her eyes. “Are you suggesting that you’re going to have an abortion?”

“Possibly. I still have three weeks of decision time.”

“Why would you do something like that, Pamela?”

“I can’t imagine bringing a child into a world of suffering for its parents’ sins.”

“Pamela, all children suffer for their parents’ sins. Sooner or later.” She looked up at him. “If you abort this baby, I won’t talk to you again.”

“Okay.”

“That’s it, okay?”

“I have to live my life for me.”

He took that to mean that she was probably going to abort it anyway. But he hoped that she wouldn’t. Bryan had always been prolife. He didn’t like the fact that so many young women just lay down and then killed what came of their decisions. Pamela wasn’t raped. She made a conscious decision to fuck. Now she wanted to abort the child that came of it?

They went home, and Pamela headed to have a shower, locking the door so that Bryan couldn’t come in. She thought about whether or not she should terminate the pregnancy. Apart of her knew she was young and could do so much better without a baby and Bryan. Another part of her was still in love with Bryan and couldn’t imagine the regret of lying on that table. The guilt she would feel after it was too much. She decided to have the baby. She told this to Bryan, and he was moved by it.

                                                        ***

Pamela met Jordan for lunch. When he saw her walking towards him, looking so modelesque in her pantsuit and her dark Dolce and Gabana shades, he couldn’t resist the smile tugging at his lips. Her hair was down and curly with a black headband keeping it out of her face. He couldn’t imagine a more beautiful woman coming his way right now.

She took her glasses off, and Jordan could see the tear tracks down her cheeks, taking note of the puffiness in her slightly red eyes. 

“You were right,” she acknowledged.

“About what?”

“I was sleeping with Bryan.”

“I know.”

“I’m uh… Going to have his baby.”

Jordan was confused as to how this information had anything to do with him. He knew that Pamela had told him numerous times that she was with someone and that she wasn’t going to be with him. Why she felt the need to confess was beyond him.

“I don’t want him anymore, Jordan. It’s too much destruction. But if I walk away now… It was all in vain.” She hung her head, feeling her throat lump up.

He reached for her hand, and she looked up at him. Into his eyes. “So are we here so that you can tell me you like me?”

“Kind of. I’m going to stay with him. I just wanted you to know, you’re really amazing. Any woman who deserved you would be lucky to have you. I don’t deserve anyone like you.”

“You made a mistake, Pamela. You’re young.”

“Falling into bed with someone is not a mistake. I knew what I wanted when I went for it. I didn’t trip, and he didn’t fall inside me. We knew exactly what we were doing.”

Jordan leaned over the table and just kissed her. She couldn’t help putting her arms around him, kissing him back so deeply.

His warm breath fell on her lips, his taste filling her mouth as she held onto him. Savoring the moment, Pamela held her breath, afraid that if she breathed him in, she would neglect her return home to Bryan.

When the kiss broke, they just gazed at one another. He felt her hair. “Pamela, I can’t make you be with me; but when you’re ready for that, then tell me.”

A waitress came over, and they had lunch together, making small talk. Jordan walked Pamela to her car, and he kissed her again before she left. A toe-curling, earth-shattering, butterfly-inducing kiss; and she felt it deep down in her tummy. She felt warm as she wrapped her arms around him, kissing him back with everything she could. “I’ll see you later,” he told her, smiling softly.

Head spinning, Pamela slid into her car and made her way home with thoughts of Jordan consuming her.

The house was empty when she walked in so she cleaned up, and around five, she decided to start on dinner for Bryan.

When he came home, he didn’t come in the kitchen and kiss her like she expected. He walked straight to the bedroom and hopped in the shower.

Pamela tilted her head to the side, looking at the door with a frown on her face before she turned to look up at the stairs, staggered by Bryan not so much as saying “hello” to her before he made his way to her bathroom. 

When Pamela walked into her room to inform her boyfriend dinner was done, Bryan had put on flannels and a t-shirt. “So who did you see today?” he asked.

“No one.”

“You’re just going to lie to me?” He glared down at her with fury in his eyes.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Before Pamela saw it coming, Bryan had her by the throat and the more she lied, the tighter his grip got until she was on the wall and off her feet, trying to take his hand from around her throat. Struggling for breath, Pamela pried at Bryan’s fingers, contorting her body to try to get away from him. 

“That’s why you want to abort my baby. So you can go and be with that little boy. Are you out your fucking mind? Out in public kissing and shit like you don’t already have a man.”

“Let me go,” she gasped, tears streaming down her face.

“Shut up, bitch.”

“Bryan—”

His grip tightened and he watched her face turn red from the lack of oxygen. Pamela didn’t know this man. She didn’t recognize this man being possessed by his anger.

“Is that why you don’t want to get married? Because you want to run off with Jordan?”

Feeling lightheaded from her oxygen being caught, Pamela struggled with Bryan, desperately attempting to reach the floor. “I love you,” she choked.

Bryan let her go, and she fell to the floor, gasping for air. She rubbed her throat, pulling in fast, rough breaths, laying her head on the wall.

Bryan had actually just assaulted her. For the first time in her life, he had physically hurt her. This was the same man who would never even physically discipline her or Jada, and he had just choked her.

Before Pamela could fully recover, Bryan had her off the floor again by her arms. As long as she lived, Pamela didn’t think she would ever forget the deranged look in this man’s eyes as he tossed her into the bed.

“What made you think it was okay to kiss him, Pamela?” he asked, ripping her pants off.

Paralyzed, Pamela stared in horror at Bryan, unable to so much as swallow spit.

“You think you can just go around giving my pussy away. I’m going to fix your ass.”

Bryan slid out of his pants and Pamela bolted out of the bed. Before she could make it too far, though, Bryan caught her around the waist and slammed her to the floor, holding her wrists in one hand. “Where are you trying to go?”

“Bryan, please,” she begged, staring up at him. “Don’t do this, please.” Hot tears filled her ears as she blinked them away, writhing underneath her lover.

“You love it, Pamela.”

“Please.” She squeezed her eyes shut, trying to close her legs.

Bryan took his other hand and forced her legs open, using his thighs to keep them that way, staring down at a crying Pamela, tightening his grip on her wrists when she almost got free.

“You don’t have to do this, baby,” she whispered. “I love you, Bryan.”

“Shut up, bitch!”

The shock of his hard length being rammed into her forced a wounded yelp from Pamela. Defeated, she stopped fighting, turning her head to stare at the wall.

With each thrust, Pamela could feel Bryan’s warm breath on her ear as he groaned and grunted atop her. Wanting so badly to detach herself from the painful act, she could only concentrate on the burning friction of Bryan entering and reentering her dry lips. No matter what she tried to think of, her mind could only return back to what was being done to her.

All she wanted was for him to finish and get off her. Her wish came true five minutes later when Bryan finished inside of her and got up to go to the bathroom.

Turning on her side, Pamela held herself, releasing a sob as she curled into the fetal position. The water in the sink was heard and she didn’t want to be anywhere near Bryan when he came back into the room.

Hopping up, Pamela flew down the stairs and made her way into the kitchen. She was trying to reconcile in her mind what had just happened while simultaneously trying to push the event away.

With her head down, she fixed Bryan a plate. She sat at the table not looking at him and not eating. Staring at the wood on the table, regret consumed Pamela for ever inviting this man to her body. For allowing him to take up a new position.

“Please marry me.” He rubbed her hand gently as if he hadn’t just choked and raped her ten minutes ago. “I don’t want our baby to be a bastard, Pamela.”

“Okay,” she agreed, tears falling silently down her face.

Bryan lifted her chin. “Why are you crying?” he asked, his thumb swiping tears away. She shook her head, pushing his hand away; he knew what he did to her.

“Eat your food before it’s cold.”

Bryan finished dinner, and Pamela cleaned up afterwards telling herself that Bryan wouldn’t do it again. He wouldn’t hurt her again. He’d never done it before. This wouldn’t be their routine. If she just acted right.

She climbed into bed beside him, and he pulled her body close, falling asleep. But she couldn’t. She stared at the wall with her skin crawling at his touch; and when morning came, she went to make his breakfast, and she locked herself in the bathroom, crying in her knees as she sat in her empty tub.

Depression

Pamela sat in the office with Bryan, turning her head anytime he tried to kiss her. She didn’t even want to look at him. Just the idea of being touched by him made her want to be ill. She couldn’t even stand to be in bed with him and stayed in the bathroom all night, falling asleep with her head on the side of the tub.

Carmella called the office for Pamela, interrupting her professional greeting. “Hey, Mela. Can you model for me tomorrow?”

“Tomorrow?”

“I know it’s really short notice, but a model of mine is going through something and what I’m doing requires me to have ten models. I understand if you can’t, but I would really appreciate if you can.”

“I can do it for you, Ma. Is it still or catwalk?”             

“Still image. If you have work tomorrow, I can make sure you go first,” she assured her.

“What time?”

Pamela could feel Bryan’s eyes on her as she spoke to her mother about modeling instead of being on the phone with a client. She just didn’t care as long as he wasn’t saying anything about it. He knew she would put Carmella on hold if the line beeped.

“Noon.”

“Okay.”

“Thank you so much, mija.”

Pamela never minded working for her mother. Carmella always paid her as equally as her other models. Being her daughter didn’t take away that it was hard work.

Pamela went into the bathroom and looked at the red marks on her throat from Bryan choking her. Now, how the hell could she explain that to her mother? It wasn’t something Jonta would accept when he heard about it. “Bryan,” she called from the bathroom.