Don't Judge a Bear by His Cover (12 page)

"How would you know?" My bitterness makes me speak before I can think.

"How would I know?" Torben shakes his head. "I ran with the Claw for years, Saira. I did things that I'll never forget. But I have forgiven myself."

"How? How did you do it?" I search his face, as if the answer, the end to my self-loathing, can be found there.

"How? Slowly. By accepting that I was young. Stupid. By deciding to try to make a difference in other people's lives. Balance the bad with good. By becoming a different person, a hopefully wiser, better person." His voice resonates, and I can hear his own pain there, hidden deep. "It never goes away, not completely. The guilt. The regret. But that's good. It shouldn't. I use those memories to keep me on the right path. Just as you can."

I hang my head once more. What he says sounds so good. But can it work for me?

"Saira," says Torben. I look up. "You're a good person. You made a terrible mistake. You have a debt to pay. But you're worthy of love. We all are." Tears fill my eyes again, and Torben repeats himself, saying the words I can't believe. "You're a good person, Saira."

"I don't know," I whisper. But something feels different. Not quite a weight lifting, but a weight being shared. I've never told anybody since the accident. Never allowed myself to have friends. To relax my vigilance. But for the first time, I feel like maybe I can. Lower some walls. Trust. Love. Be loved.

And it also feels right, what Torben said. That pain will never go away, and it shouldn't. I just need to use it, allow it to motivate me to do better, make a difference. Not allow it to break me, drive me into the ground. Ruin me forever.

"Thank you," I whisper.

"Hey," says Torben, lifting my face to his again. "I love you."

"I love you too." And it's true. It's so true. I realize that that lust, that passion, that animal instinct I fought from the beginning wasn't an artificial force, a twisting urge, but a true sign that we're right for each other. Something deeper and wiser than our minds has been trying to tell us from the beginning that we're the perfect match. Only now do I see that it didn't need fighting from the beginning. That it was right all along.

We kiss, and Torben pulls me close, his strong arms enveloping me. I hold onto him as if he's a rock and the world a raging ocean, trying to pull me from his safety and drown me in its darkness. We kiss, our lips locked, and when Torben lifts me in his arms and turns to the bed, I make no protest. My need for him is suddenly raw and painful and shockingly immediate. I need him on a soul level, beyond the physical. I need his love, his strength, his fire.

He lowers me onto the bed, and we kiss, holding on to each other, his arms crushing me to his chest. I moan, and his lips move to my neck, my cheeks, my eyelids. My hands reach down for his belt, and in moments I have his cock in my hands, thick and heavy and rigid.

"I need you," I whisper. I don't want foreplay. I don't want to be teased, aroused, tantalized. "I need you inside me. Now."

Torben rises to his knees, removes his pants, and then pulls mine off. I'm burning, so wet I can feel drops running down my inner thighs. I spread my legs wide for him, and he leans forward, guiding his cock with one hand till its head nestles between my lips. I raise my hips and push up as he falls slowly upon me, burying himself to the hilt in one smooth, devastating plunge.

I gasp, unable to breathe from the intensity of it, and when he lies down over me I hug tight, pressing against him, not wanting him to even fuck me yet. "Just hold me," I whisper. "Like this. For a moment."

His cock fills me. Stretches me. I feel him inside me, pulsing and huge, and I squeeze my inner muscles so that I grip him tightly. I wrap my legs around his naked waist, interlocking my ankles. Something within me is shifting. A knot is finally being untied. A clenched fist is finally opening. My past is losing its hold on me. I rock my hips gently, eyes closed, and focus on my love for this man. For his largeness of spirit. His nobility. His wisdom. I focus on his patience with me, his ardor, his need. I think of a life spent by his side. Of finding a way to make reparation for my crime. Of making a difference in the world. Of honoring Marybeth Howards.

"Oh, Torben," I sigh, lust and sorrow mingling within me.

He kisses me in return, moving us beyond words. In the end, nothing I can say, nothing he can say, will really make a difference. It'll come down to actions. To a life lived purposefully. And here, in his arms, filled with an aching love that makes it almost impossible to breathe, I believe at last that I can have a future. I can live a life with joy in it, I can be a whole person once again.

I open my eyes. His own are only inches from mine, the now familiar golden eyes of an animal, a shifter. I see understanding in their depths, tenderness, compassion. I clench my pussy tight around his cock and something more shades his gaze: need.

Slowly he withdraws, the control it takes making it even more erotic, then he pauses and pushes his cock head just slightly into me, past the tight entrance, then back out. Once, twice, three times he teases my pussy, and then at last he slides all the way home once more.

I groan and throw back my head. His arms are muscled pylons on either side of my head, holding him up, triceps snarled and thick, and I wrap my hands around them, holding tight as he fucks me with long, hard strokes. It's the perfect blend of passion and love, of tenderness and tight, hard desire. I open to him, spreading myself wide, wanting all of him, wanting to give him all that I am and all that I have.

Slow, deep, and hard. His strokes gain in urgency, and still our eyes remain locked. Our connection makes our lovemaking too intense to believe, and even though we're moving slowly, not giving way to the madness of lust, it feels even better than last night. We're both completely present, united in this moment, nothing hidden, our souls completely bared to each other.

I feel my orgasm approach, feel his cock grow even harder, larger. Still he doesn't accelerate his strokes. Still he just pounds into me, his strength and power such that my whole body shakes under each pistoning slide. This is beyond anything I've ever felt. The slowest, hardest fuck of my life. I'm crying out now, whimpering with each pump, overcome, overwhelmed. He rears up onto his knees, lifting my hips off the mattress, and at last, oh, at last he lets go, slamming home, over and over and over again, and I'm crying out, my breasts shaking, my head tossing from side to side as with a roar he comes and sweet, blessed oblivion sweeps me away into the dark tides of love, acceptance, and bliss.

Chapter 15

We spend the day and night in the motel room. Healing. Recovering. Enjoying long, delicious bouts of lovemaking. The next morning we shower, dress, and after hitting a restaurant for breakfast point the pickup truck south and soon after cross back into Vermont.

After fifteen minutes of staring out the window, I finally summon my resolve to call my father. Torben, already keying in to my moods and thoughts, stays quiet, giving me space. I dig out my phone, frown at it, then dial the number from memory.

"Report," comes the dry voice. As always, I feel a wave of revulsion and love at the same time. It would be so easy to hate my father. But his willingness to let me go makes it hard to do so.

"I'm done. The owner of the Bear Book Cave is willing to sell." I don't want to say Torben's name out loud. Doing so would feel like sullying it.

"He is? Excellent. I must admit I'm surprised. I pegged him as a hard sale. Well done."

"Thank you." The words are bitter. I don't want to be thanked for this. "So we're done? We're quits?"

"Well, not quite."

Those words make me feel like I've swallowed a quart of vinegar. "What? What do you mean, 'not quite'?"

"Saira, you've shown yourself to be incredibly competent when you're motivated. You're a natural saleswoman. You can read and turn people to your point of view like no other. I can't afford to let you go. Instead, we need to work on your motivation."

I can't think. I can't breathe. "You're kidding me."

"What if I begin donating a percentage of our profits to a charity of your choosing? Would that spur you on?"

I don't answer. My face has turned to stone. I've gone numb, through and through.

"We could arrange a flexible work schedule. Generous vacations. Or if you like, I could pony up some starting cash for you to start a side business of your own. By the time you retire from Universal Books, you could have your own thriving business to turn to."

"You bastard," I whisper, tears finally forming in my eyes. "You promised."

"Grow up, Saira." His voice hardens. "Stop talking like a child."

"No, you promised!" I almost yell, leaning forward, clutching the phone so hard the plastic protests. "You promised!"

Torben pulls over onto the shoulder, his face alarmed, but there's nothing he can do.

"Let me remind you, Saira, that you are only free due to my intervention. Do you enjoy watching the sun rise? Do you enjoy choosing what to eat, where to go, how to live? I only have to snap my fingers, and your life will be ruined forever."

"Bastard," I whisper. "I should never have trusted you." I don't say this last to my father. I whisper it to myself.

"Saira, you're clearly emotional right now. Call me when you've calmed down, and we can talk like adults."

"No." I sit up straight, pushing back Torben's hand as he goes to comfort me. "I don't trust you. I never should have trusted you. I never should have turned to you for help. I should have faced justice for my crime. Well, you know what? Fuck you. Fuck you and your money and your 'friends' who helped me out. Turn me in. Do what you have to. If the judge reinstates my sentence, I'll do my time. And I'll do it gladly. Because I earned it. I've been living on borrowed time. But I'll be damned if I'll work for you for one more second. You hear me, Dad? Loud and clear?"

There's nothing but stunned silence from the other end.

"Good. Don't call me again." I hang up and throw the phone into the foot well, then cover my face with my hands. I want to sob. I don't know why, but this final betrayal hurts more than anything else. I shake and gasp, trembling, and when Torben wraps an arm around my shoulders, I sink into him. I won't cry. No. I'm stronger than that. I take a deep sniff, rub my face with my sleeve, and sit up.

"Damn him," I whisper.

Torben doesn't speak. He just watches me, ready, waiting.

"Damn him," I say again, louder, stronger. "That asshole. Lying to me. Using me. Stringing me on. I'm done." I turn to Torben. "If I have to go to jail, I'll go."

"One step at a time," says Torben. "But you did the right thing."

I take a deep breath, drinking in the clean Vermont air. "I did. I did the right thing." And, oh god, it feels good. I'm not hiding. Lurking in my father's shadow. "I couldn't have done it without you," I say. "You gave me the strength."

"No," says Torben. "You had the strength all along. You did it."

"But our conversation. You helped me out of my confusion. The darkness I was lost in. I wouldn't have had this - this clarity - if not for you." I take his hand, large and callused, in mine. "Thank you."

He smiles. "You're welcome. Any time."

I laugh. "Hopefully not again."

"No kidding." He leans in to kiss me. "Let's both stay out of trouble from here on out." He puts the pickup into gear, and we pull back onto the road.

"But... if I go to jail?"

"I'll wait." He says it so simply, so easily, that it breaks my heart. He shoots me a quick glance. "What?"

"You're impossible. Where did I find you?"

He snorts. "The Bear's Book Cave, I believe."

I don't answer. I just lean over, wrap my arm around his, and rest my head on his shoulder. I gaze down the road, at peace for the first time in forever.

***

My father doesn't turn me in. He threatens me several more times, but when he sees that I'm serious in calling his bluff, he gives up on me and moves on to other prospects. At first I can't quite believe it, but as the days turn into weeks, I slowly come to trust. To believe. That I'm free. Free to be with Torben, free to start a new life. To make amends on my own terms.

Torben borrows enough money to rent a small space next to the Gypsy Cafe, and together we open a new secondhand bookstore. We agonize over the name, going back and forth for weeks, talking it over during long walks in the hills, lunches at the Wise Salmon, late-night parties at the Cairn or Honeycomb Hall. Finally we settle on what feels right, what feels true: Second Chances.

My love for Torben deepens with each passing day, with each new week and month. I come to know Honeycomb Falls, to love its nooks and crannies, its little stores and bakeries, and soon begin making friends of my own. At first I'm shy, but the sincere goodness of the people there wins me over, and before I know it I'm spending half my day visiting friends, and the other half receiving them at Second Chances as they drop in for a book recommendation or just a chat.

Months pass, and fall turns into winter. Sitting by the sole window at the front of the store, a book in hand, Torben seated in the armchair across from me, a fire crackling in the tiny stove, a glass of red wine at hand and fat flakes of snow falling slowly to cover Bridge Street, I suddenly realize something: my dream has come true. I am loved. I have a home. And I am finally happy beyond belief.

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Honeycomb Falls #7 will be published on April 10. To be alerted when it goes live, please
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Falling for the Alphas (Silver Dawn Saga Parts 1 - 5)

Struck by tragedy, the Silver Song pack has split in two. Neither of the new alphas can defeat the darkness that is sweeping over Fort Brixton alone, however - it is the way of the wolf that one must die so the other can re-unite the packs.
Enter Naomi, a curvaceous and determined reporter with no clue as to the supernatural causes behind her city's rapid decline. When her investigations land her in hot water, she's saved by Dylan, the searingly intense and handsome young Alpha whose bravery and good looks sweep her off her feet.
Yet even as she starts to fall for Dylan, she learns that he may soon die at the claws of Kayden, the dark and driven alpha of the new Vengeance pack. Determined to prevent this tragedy, she sets out to reconcile the two alphas - by any means necessary.