I blocked out whatever it was they were talking about, okay with being the fly on the wall. My stomach burned, upset, reminding me I should have eaten something. Hit with a craving for Chinese food, I stood and slung my purse over my shoulder. The drinks had left me unbalanced, and I grasped the bar top so the guys wouldn’t notice.
When they both looked up, I mumbled, “I’m going to the bathroom.”
Around the corner, I walked to the coat rack. I shrugged into my coat and bundled my scarf around my neck. Slipping on my gloves, I backed up against the door and stepped outside into the cold. It had begun to snow. My boutique was only half a block down the alley, and I’d make it there before either Leo or Ted figured out I was gone.
Shivering, I burrowed down into my jacket and shoved my hands into my pockets. The cold suited my mood, but I was ready for spring. Maybe when the weather warmed up, so would my heart.
The alley was dark, except for the street lights on either side of the block. I trudged through powder white snow, my toes frozen cold inside my boots. I passed a heaping dumpster, side stepping a bag that had fallen from the top and into the alley. At least in the winter, the dumpsters didn’t smell.
Within a few minutes, I’d made it to the back door of my building and hurried to unlock the door. Inside, I stomped off my boots on the floor mat and turned to lock up behind me. A hand shot out and shoved the door open. I gasped and jumped back, wild with fear, but the scream was stuck in my throat. Dread coursed through me and my feet were frozen in place. The man stepped into the entryway and the lamp above the door highlighted furrowed brows and furious eyes.
“Leo,” I gasped. “What the hell is
wrong
with you?” I shoved him hard, fear and anger bubbling over. “You scared the hell out of me!”
Leo didn’t look as if he cared. He also didn’t budge when I pushed him. The force of the shove against a rock hard chest sent me backward against the entryway wall.
“Musclehead,” I mumbled.
He took a step forward while red hot energy coursed through his body—of course, that was just my imagination because the look in his eyes was nothing short of furious.
“What the hell were you thinking?” He put his hands on my shoulders and shook me. Not hard, just firm. “You can’t just take off walking
alone
in
downtown Lincoln,
in the
fucking dark,
Lexie!”
I blinked at him. “I’m fine,
Jeez
. Relax.”
He dropped his hands. “You might not have been.”
He was so angry. At me. He’d never been angry at me before. I flinched, but stood my ground.
“I am
fine.
”
“Do you know how many pervs and psychopaths are out there? Jesus, sometimes I wonder about you.”
I shoved past him. “You are such an asshole, you know that? Let yourself out. I don’t need this from you. Not now, not
ever.
”
His hand captured mine, yanking me back into his arms. His gaze seared into mine. “You are being reckless as hell, Alexis, and I’m sick of it and so is your family.”
I bristled and shrugged from his arms, but he wouldn’t let me go. I stiffened. “I’m not your problem.”
“Oh?” he asked, a challenge in his voice. “Whose problem are you then? Jeremy’s? Where the hell is he?”
I flinched at his sarcasm. My chest constricted.
“I can’t figure out what the hell is worse, you not telling me what the hell is going on with you, or you pining for some guy who wasn’t worth your time in the first place.”
“You don’t know anything,” I said, shocked. Pining for Jeremy?
Gross.
Especially when all I’d been thinking about lately was Leo. He consumed my thoughts, all day long. Every day.
You are falling for him, and it will ruin you. There is no such thing as fairytales.
No, the only real thing in life was heartbreak and disappointment.
“Maybe not. Why don’t you tell me so I know, because I have no idea what is going through that pretty head of yours.” His voice was deeper now as he gazed into my eyes, into my soul. The air around us rose in temperature, and I was smashed up against his hard chest.
When had that happened?
My heart beat in a rapid staccato.
“Just leave me alone.”
“Why, so you can sit around and feel sorry for yourself?” He shook his head.
“Now you’re just being mean.” I glowered up at him.
“Damn it, Lexie, you keep pushing me away, and it’s pissing me off.” He ran his hands through his hair. “I’m not going to fight over you with some guy who’s already gone.”
“Me pushing you away has nothing to do with Jeremy,” I said and crossed my arms. What I didn’t say was that it had everything to do with Leo, with our past.
It’s too soon for this, for him.
Why couldn’t he understand? He’d never told me why he broke up with me. There’d never been any closure, and yet here he was again, back in my life, torturing me with feelings I didn’t want to have. Feelings that scared the hell out of me.
His face lowered, his lips near my earlobe, his breath hot against my skin. I sucked in a breath.
“Did he make you feel like this?” he whispered, and then his lips brushed against the sensitive skin of my neck. “Or this?” His lips captured my earlobe, a flicker of wet heat, and then it was gone, replaced by a draft of cold air seeping through the crack under the door.
His lips slanted over mine, and stars burst behind my closed eyes. Everything was warm, my entire body weightless and fuzzy. The kiss was slow; the heat traveling all the way down to my toes. His tongue slid against mine in a silken kiss of passion that exploded inside me.
As quickly as it began, it was over. Suddenly, there was no more warmth, no more Leo, only cold and confusion. I blinked my eyes open to look up at him—and didn’t like what I saw, the hard set to his jaw; an expression I couldn’t read.
“Leo, I…” Shivering, I wrapped my arms around myself, the words stuck in my throat. I couldn’t say what he wanted me to.
“Lock the door and go lay down,” he said, his voice gruff as he backed toward the door. And then he was gone.
So I did as I was told and locked the door.
Whimpering, I wrapped my arms around myself, stumbling to the office and the couch that would be my bed tonight.
Alone.
I missed him, missed his warmth. Even though I’d told myself not to want him, I did. Even though falling for him again would ruin me if we ended badly, I still wanted him. Trying to distance myself only made the need worse. He was a force of nature I was scared I’d never survive, but my heart kept telling me to let him in. He made it so hard to say no.
Maybe you don’t have to.
Even though there was no one else inside the boutique, I shut the office door, as if to keep out anyone, anything—anymore heartbreak. It didn’t stop the thoughts crashing together in my head
.
I kicked off my boots, lost my balance, and fell to the floor where I laughed like a hysterical madwoman. I laughed until I had tears in my eyes, and then I laughed until the tears turned from smiling tears, to full blown chest squeezing tears of despair.
I cried for the girl who had believed in fairytales. I cried for the young woman who never could get it right. I cried for my first broken heart, and then my second. I cried because I was falling for Leo again. And I cried for everything I was about to lose; the boutique I’d dreamed of for so long and worked so hard for.
And I wanted Leo, because he made me stronger. No one else had ever made me feel as alive and beautiful as he always did.
Broken and spent, I crawled on my hands and knees to the couch against the opposite wall. Crawling up onto the cushions, I let out one last whimper and collapsed. I curled up into a ball, my cheek resting against paper instead of soft suede. Leaning up on my elbow, I spied an envelope lying on the couch. I slipped open the seal and slid out the hand written post card—a note of thanks for my recent stay at the resort. On the front was an image of an impossibly blue ocean washing up on white sandy beaches.
Paradise
. What I wouldn’t give to be on the beach right now, the sand creeping through my toes, a tropical sun bathing me in warmth. I closed my eyes and pictured a place so far away, it almost didn’t seem real.
“Paradise,” I said, whispering it out loud to the empty room. I drifted in a state of exhaustion, fantasizing of an ocean breeze, a vast, starry sky, and strong arms. And because I needed those arms—
him—
sleep would not come.
I dug my phone out of my purse and dropped back against the cushions to stare up at the ceiling. While the phone dialed, I kept my eyes closed. When he answered, I said, “I’m sorry.”
“Damn it, Lexie,” he said, sounding tired. Tired of me, maybe.
“I’m going to come over. Is that okay?” I held my breath waiting for his answer.
“You can’t drive.”
“I’ll take a cab.”
After a moment of silence, he said, “I’ll come and get you. You know Roxanna’s home, though.”
I’d been the one to insist we keep us a secret, afraid of announcing our involvement to the world. I’d been the one lying to everyone around me, and to myself. I was tired of it. I only cared about being with him.
“I don’t care.”
“Okay then,” he said. “But you’re not taking a cab—I’m coming to get you. I’ll see you soon.”
I’d been sleeping cozy in Leo’s arms, in his bed, when he called out in his sleep. The pain in his voice startled me. I kissed him awake from the nightmare, and he hugged me to him so tight, I’d been a little afraid. When his heartbeat calmed, I settled against his chest and felt the vibration of his voice against my cheek. It was sometime after sunrise, and I traced the tattoos on his arm, staring at the light spilling through the crack in the shades over the window as I listened to him talk.
“We were both sent in on the same mission, different teams. Mine went in after Jason’s. When I got there, there wasn’t much left but rubble and bodies. When I found him, he was holding his stomach where a piece of shrapnel went almost clean through.”
My throat closed in on itself at the pain in his voice, and I held him closer because I worried my own heart would burst. Roxanna said Leo didn’t speak about that day, and I wondered if he’d been carrying the nightmare inside, alone, all this time. It made me sick to my stomach. I wanted to soothe him, to wrap him up and shelter him from the pain so he’d never have to feel it again. It was what he’d do for me.
“I held him until he took his last breath. I didn’t even realize we were still under fire. I don’t remember getting shot up. I woke up in the infirmary, and Jason was gone.”
My face was wet with tears I didn’t realize I’d been crying. I squeezed myself to him and kissed his chest. When I looked up into his eyes, wet with tears, I choked back a sob, because it wasn’t fair to him. “I’m so sorry, Leo. I wish I could…”
I stopped, because I didn’t know what to say. Take away the pain? Bring back his brother? I couldn’t do any of those things. What he had gone through, what he’d lost, was so much bigger than anything I’d ever experienced. It made my troubles seem petty, and I swallowed back shame. I might lose my boutique, have some tough choices ahead, but I was
alive.
I didn’t wake up with nightmares of holding someone I loved while they breathed their last breath.
Leaning up, I kissed him on the lips. “I’m glad you were there for him.”
His gaze was so intense, I couldn’t look away. “I know I hurt you when I broke up with you, Lex.”
I held my breath.
This is it.
After all this time, he was finally going to tell me the one question I had ached to know the answer to.
He put his hands on either side of my face, his thumbs stroking my cheek so gently, it weighed heavy on my heart. “I was so in love with you. I don’t think you know just how much I loved you.”
I gave a small shake of my head. “I wasn’t sure. You said…but then that letter.”
He kissed me then tucked me into his arms. I closed my eyes and listened to his breathing. “Thinking about you, looking at your picture, was what got me through every day. Those first two months in Iraq…I saw so many soldiers come back injured. Saw my friends die.” He shuddered. “We were just kids, and we were dying. I didn’t want that for you; I didn’t want you waiting and wondering every day if I was okay, if I was coming back.”
“That’s why you broke up with me?” I blinked at my tears. The note of disbelief in my voice was not because I didn’t believe him, but because I couldn’t believe he’d cared for me so much and had been so selfless. I wasn’t sure I could ever have done the same for him if it meant my heart breaking the way it had after reading his letter telling me to move on.
“I wanted you to have a life, Lexie. One where you weren’t putting yours on hold for me. I wasn’t sure I was going to make it home.”
There was so much I wanted to say, so many words I felt, but I wasn’t sure if this was the right moment to say them. “Leo…”
“
Sssshhh
,” he whispered and pulled me up onto his chest to press his lips against mine.
He made it easy for me; every kiss, every touch. Falling into him wasn’t a question, not when I closed my eyes and let his body lead mine in a dance we had perfected. I kissed him like I couldn’t get enough, because I couldn’t. He was so warm, his body so firm and strong—I would give him everything in this moment, because he needed it, and so did I.