Don’t Forget to Remember Me (14 page)

It was a beautiful early April day, but the
air was still brisk and the breeze made it even colder, despite the
brilliant sunlight. I dug into my purse and pulled out my
sunglasses to slip them on. “Yeah. Sounds good.”

“I don’t want to over-do it.”

“Can you please stop worrying? I’m feeling
so much better, Ryan. Really.”

“No. I can’t stop; so get used to it,” he
teased lightly.

I nudged his shoulder. “No moody ass today?
I like it.” I was smiling so big my face hurt. I was seriously
looking forward to time alone with Ryan. Maybe he’d be less guarded
and I’d have a better opportunity to find out more about my past
and our relationship.

His arm slipped around my waist to pull me
close as we walked.

“No moody ass today.” He
laughed again and I loved the sound. It made my heart thud and I
slipped my now sling-free left arm around him in return. It
felt…perfect. “I’m feeling pretty happy today. And
very
thankful.” His arm around me
tightened and I never wanted him to let me go.

The mood was light, but I sensed an
undercurrent of deeper meaning in his statement. I was enjoying
Ryan’s happy mood and was looking forward to the afternoon, so I
didn’t push.

At the restaurant, he
chose a booth along one side of the bar. There were partitions of
cherry wood which would make it easier to talk. It was fairly busy
and bustling, with soft rock music
playing in the
background
. My eyes searched for something
familiar. Ryan slid my coat off and hung it up on the hook on the
outside of the partition and did the same with his.

I winched slightly as I moved in the booth
and Ryan’s eyes narrowed as he watched.

“Stop,” I admonished. “I’m fine.”

He leaned back against the booth and studied
me with intent blue eyes. “I didn’t say anything.”

“I know what you’re thinking. Quit it.”

He leaned forward and reached across the
table toward me. Without thinking, I automatically placed my hand
in his and his fingers closed around mine. “What exactly am I
thinking?” His tone was teasing and one eyebrow shot up. His mouth
twitched as he tried to hide a smile.

“I can handle a little pain.”

“Hmmm,” was all he said.

The waiter came, gave us menus and took our
drink orders before leaving us alone to peruse the offerings. I
decided it was time to start the conversation.

“Ryan, have we been here before?”

“Yeah, a few times,” he said quietly, not
glancing up from the menu. My heart fell because I couldn’t
remember. The look on his face told me he was processing the same
realization. “Mostly at night. Jen likes the DJ. The food is good,
too.”

His disappointment was obvious, but he
quickly hid it, glancing up at me as he continued talking. “What do
you feel like?”

“Maybe the hummus wrap. It sounds good.”

“Yeah, it is.” He closed his menu and
reached for his water glass.

“Can we come some evening? I mean, it might
be more familiar then,” I said hopefully. He studied me carefully,
his features softened and he nodded.

“Sure. So tell me about your session with
Dr. Moore.” His eyes darted to mine. “If you want,” he added.

“It was nothing really. More questions. We
came to the conclusion that I don’t need a therapist.”

Both of Ryan’s eyebrows lifted in surprise.
“Really? I figured he’d have you coming in for a while.”

“Nope. He’s taking a new tack. Less formal,
I suppose.”

“In what way?” Ryan tensed slightly. “Um,
uh…what did you guys talk about?”

I bristled. If I wanted Ryan to be honest
with me, I’d need to be honest with him, too. Just as I was about
to speak, the waiter came and took our order. Ryan ordered my wrap
and BBQ steak tips for himself. His illustrated practice at it
suggested the closeness that I felt between us. He picked up his
beer and waited for me to continue.

“Well, I told him how frustrated I am about
what’s been lost. Especially the stuff with you,” I said
hesitantly, watching for a flicker of something that would confirm
my suspicions. My heart tightened as I watched his reaction. He
brought his eyes to meet mine and again reached for my hand. “I
told him that his questions did little to help me remember and I
wished someone would tell me something.”

“And…his response?” His words were carefully
placed, guarded.

“That it was for my own good. Basically the
same thing you’ve said. But I’m so tired of hearing that,
Ryan!”

His thumb rubbed the top of my hand over and
over. “I know. I’d tell you if I thought it was what you needed,
but I won’t do anything that could hurt you. You believe that,
don’t you?”

I knew it was true, but
that didn’t make it any easier. “Yes,” I sighed. “I can deal with
not knowing about some of it, but with you…Ryan, I want to know
about
us
.”

He looked away and out into the restaurant.
“Like what? Things we do when we hang out? I’ll tell you anything
you want about me, Julia. We hung out a lot in college, we went to
concerts and parties…took some trips together. Sometimes the others
came with us. All of us…we’re pretty close.”

He wasn’t going to do more than give me a
rundown of events and try to bury anything real in layers and
layers of superficial facts. He was trying to distract me by
confusing the issue, trying to take the focus off of anything
remotely personal.

“What kind of trips?”

“Ski trips or camping. Spring break in Tahoe
or Cancun. Stuff like that. Sporting events, concerts. Lots of
things.” The list came out flat, uncomfortable and hesitant.

“Yes. I guess with all the history there
would be quite a bit,” I said quietly. Finally, he turned back to
face me, the muscle in his jaw working as he clenched his teeth. It
appeared this was as difficult for him as it was for me. I sensed
sadness behind his eyes that went beyond the frustration I
felt.

“What about your music? Did you play for
me?”

“Yeah. Often.”

I sensed the answer before he even said
it.

“You have a beautiful singing voice, Julia.
I love listening to you sing as much as you like hearing me play.
Music was something we shared. I haven’t played in weeks.”

My throat tightened at his admission. It was
something.

“What about after you came to Boston? Were
we still in touch? Did we still see each other?”

“Julia…” He stopped and ran a hand through
his hair. It seemed a nervous habit when he was agitated. “Sure.
Not as much, but we’re still friends, aren’t we? Doesn’t that tell
you we kept in touch?”

“Is that what we are really?” I asked a
little too sharply even to my own ears, the impatience I felt
seeping through my words. “Friends?”

“Always,” he answered seriously. “I thought
that was already established.”

I nodded, but I was disappointed. I wanted
to hear something deeper and I figured it showed in my expression
and could be heard in the shortness of my tone. I instantly
regretted it. I wanted today to be special.

“Then what’s with this doubt? Can we just
have fun today, please?” His words echoed my thoughts and I nodded
in response. Ryan visibly relaxed. “You didn’t tell me the rest of
what happened with Dr. Moore.”

Okay, so he moved the subject away from
where I wanted to go with it. “He wants to be my friend, too.”

Ryan didn’t speak for a moment, his cobalt
eyes contemplative, like he wasn’t sure what to say.

“What? Like how?” he asked almost against
his will. It made my heart swell but I decided not to press him for
more and instead let myself bask in his obvious concern. I wanted
to feel closer, to get him to share more, not build walls that
would cause him to back away.

I cocked my head to one
side and shrugged. “Hell if I know. Maybe he can join us on camping
trips and shit,” I said with false sarcasm that wasn’t lost on
Ryan. He knew I was baiting him, and I fought not to laugh at his
incredulous expression. I bit my lip and looked up through
half-closed
eyes. Deep down, I was certain there
was more than what he was telling me. I wanted to test him, if ever
so slightly.

“Pfft,” he joined in the teasing, a
beautiful smile spreading across his face. My heart soared and I
laughed. “Not if you expect me to be there.” He rolled his
eyes.

“Would you let me go without you,
Matthews?”

“Not a snowball’s chance in hell.” I let the
laughter bubbling in my chest, out in full force. That would have
to be good enough for now. It was very telling when he grinned in
response.

“Wow. You must really be
a
good friend,
Ryan
.”

“Hmmph,” he snorted and I laughed out loud
again.

I leaned back as the waiter came and set our
food down in front of us. My stomach rumbled as I picked up my
fork.

“Put it this way…I’ll do what is necessary
to keep your cute little ass out of trouble.”

“Spence called you
my
caretaker
, if you can believe
that.”

“Is that so? Hope you set him straight.”

“As a matter of fact,
yeah,” I said as I sliced off a piece of the
wrap
, wondering if Ryan picked up my use of
Spence’s first name. “Do you really think my ass is
cute?”

“So it’s Spence now, is it?”

I shrugged and swallowed the first bite.
“Like I said, friends, but don’t worry. I only have room for one
over bearing ass of a best friend and it appears the position’s
been filled.” My jaw jutted out and I struggled not to smile.

“Good answer.” His eyes sparkled with
amusement as he finally dove into his lunch.

Julia was watching TV with Jen, Aaron was at
the gym and I was stuck in front of the damn computer yet again.
I’d called my brother earlier to tell him that I couldn’t join him
despite really needing the exercise.

Julia and I spent the
afternoon roaming through the shops downtown. We had a really nice
time, but being near her was taking a toll on my control. I found
myself starting to touch her several times and caught myself. It
was harder than hell not to pull her close, press her body to mine
and kiss her like I’d done a million times before. Her laughter
sucked me in and I was losing my resolve to keep my distance. The
cool air brought a blush to her cheeks and the wind whipped the
hair off of her beautiful
face, now almost completely void
of bruises. My hands itched to wind in those
silken strands more and more as the day progressed, a mixture of
heaven and hell.

Sequestered in my room on the pretense of
studying, I tried to get my bearings. If I joined the girls now,
I’d pull Julia onto my lap and wrap her in my arms. I missed her as
much as I did when she and I had been separated, but maybe it was
worse having her this close and not being able to make love to her
or show her my feelings. I was in agony.

I glanced at the clock. Just past ten PM. I
pushed my laptop back on the desk, put my head down in my hands and
closed my eyes. They were burning from looking at the computer and
I was tired. Julia must be, too. I wasn’t sure how long I stayed
like that, not moving when a soft knock on the door lifted my
head.

“Yes?”

The door cracked open slightly. “Ryan? Are
you hungry?” Julia’s soft voice preceded her into the darkened
room. She had changed into flannel pajama pants and a small white
t-shirt. Her hair was in a knot at the top of her head. She looked
so warm and inviting. I couldn’t help remembering the nights I’d
peeled those very clothes off of her luscious body and made
passionate love to her for hours on end.

“Uh, sure. I could eat, but don’t put
yourself out on my account, honey.”

“Aaron called and hinted that he wanted me
to cook.” She chuckled gently. “He knows I got my straight-jacket
off today,” she said, a smile still curving her full lips. My eyes
stared as she licked them once. “So…any requests?”

I turned in my chair as she lurked in the
doorway. “Didn’t Aaron tell you what he wanted?”

“Uh uh. Jen said he’d eat anything.”

I ran a hand through my hair. “Yes. That’s a
fact.” She looked so alluring, all I wanted was to gather her close
and bury my face in her hair. “Um, well then…can you make Pad
Thai?”

She smiled. “Okay. You
look tired, sweetie.” That sweet voice melted around me like honey,
and my heart thumped rapidly inside my body at the
endearment.
Maybe she does remember me.

“I am. Aren’t you? We had a big day.”

“A little. I’ll bring yours in when it’s
ready.”

“I can come out there.”

“I think you should have your room back,
Ryan. I’ll take the couch from now on.”