Doing the Right Thing (44 page)

Addie pressed her nails into her palms. “I’m very sorry that happened to you. I’m sorry I’ve disappointed you. Thank you for lending me the money. I’ll pay you back as soon as I can.” She took a deep breath. “I’m leaving tomorrow for the Lake District to spend Christmas with friends, so I’ll sleep at my place tonight to see what I can salvage of my things. I’ll buy the replacement presents this afternoon and drop them off at Finn’s.”

Addie could hardly believe she spoke coherently. She felt as though she was being pressed between two sheets of metal. Everywhere hurt. Her mother had done the right thing and not had an abortion and then done the wrong thing and blamed Addie for an act of violence that wasn’t her fault. How could she do that to a child?

“Your brothers are expecting you to spend Christmas here,” said her mother.

But you don’t want me,
Addie thought. She’d never been wanted.

“My friends are looking forward to seeing me.” She heard her voice break and as the lie came from her mouth, a powerful surge of pain spiraled through her.

“You may as well take your presents with you.”

Joan pushed three small packets into a plastic bag, thrust it at Addie and turned away. Addie moved up behind her and put her arms around her. Her mother stiffened and Addie let her go. Addie knew she’d never try to touch her again.

As she left the house, Addie was filled with a strange kind of contentment knowing she wasn’t the problem, only what she represented. When her mother looked at her, she didn’t see her daughter, but the memory of something awful—the man who’d raped her. So Addie
was
lovable, just not to her mother and father. She understood now, though it didn’t make it right.

Her mind flicked back over the years, remembering how her parents seemed reluctant to celebrate her birthday, the frequent lectures about not allowing lecherous men to touch her, and the way the TV was switched off at the slightest hint of nudity.

Now she knew why. Her mother had frightened her about sex and made Addie think it was something bad. Once she’d left home and started her diet of romance books, Addie learned that it wasn’t, but thought it was an unattainable dream.

What her parents had done, treating her like an outcast, was unkind beyond belief.

How could they blame her? But it explained everything. All the comments about her appearance, all their attempts to change her had been because she wasn’t their creation, not like her brothers. Addie would never have treated a child of hers in that way.

Then she wondered about the man who was her natural father, though there had been nothing natural about what he’d done to her mother. Addie would never know him, or anything about him. She’d never felt so alone in her entire life.

* * * * *

The bell rang the following morning as Addie dragged another plastic bag of her ruined possessions down the stairs. She opened the door to Will and Ed and her heart lurched into an unsteady beat. Ed hung back a few steps behind Will, his eyes fixed on the ground, looking as though he’d rather be anywhere else. She felt the same way. Will was trying to smile and failing, his hands fidgeting at his sides.

“We’d like to talk to you,” Will said. “Can we come in?”

Addie hesitated. She’d told herself that never seeing either of them again was the best way to get through this, but her feet developed a mind of their own and she stepped aside.

“Santa been early?” Ed asked as he passed the line of black bags in the hall. Addie looked up and saw him wince as Will elbowed him in the ribs.

“Oh, sorry,” Ed muttered, staring at the nearest bag.

Addie pushed down the headless teddy bear poking from the top.

“How are you feeling?” Will asked.

“Fine, thank you.”

They followed her into the living room. On the floor by the fireplace was a small fiber optic Christmas tree, the tips of the branches fading from green to red and back to green again. Since she’d be holed up in the house over Christmas, Addie had dragged it out of the attic in an attempt to cheer herself up. Her eyes lingered on the three small presents in front of it.

“I thought you were going to stay with friends in the Lake District?” Ed blurted.

Addie looked up in surprise.

“Your mother called me this morning,” Will explained.

Addie felt like she’d touched a live wire, shock sped through her, and she slumped on a chair. “My mother called you?”

“She said she thought you’d like to see me now,” Will said.

Addie glanced at Ed. He turned away but when she looked at Will, she felt Ed’s attention return to her.

“I was—we were worried about you,” Will said.

“I’m fine. The cuts are healing on my hands. Look, no bandages.” She waved them in the air. “My face is fine. My ribs are okay. I’m fine,” she rambled. “Fine.” Her voice trailed away.

“Good, but that’s not what I meant.” Will sat on the couch.

Ed slumped on a chair away from Will, his eyes down, his shoulders too. He picked at one of his nails. Will stared straight at her, hope written all over his face.

“I spoke to Jack yesterday,” Will said. “He—well, he sends his apologies. He’s writing to you. He’s issued a company statement making his apology public. He said your job’s still there if you want it. He’d like to talk to you about a position more in keeping with your ability. Something in the marketing department.”

Working for Tony, Addie thought in alarm. “No.”

“Then come and work for me. Ed’s leaving.”

Addie flashed another glance at Ed, whose eyes were now focused on the Christmas edition of the
Radio Times
, draped over the chair arm.

“No, thank you,” she said.

Will gave a frustrated sigh. “What do you want, Addie? What can we do to make this better?”

“What is it that
you
want?” she fired back. “I told you both to go away. You’re making this harder. Why have you come here?”

“Ed?” Will said.

“I can’t,” Ed mumbled.

“You’re supposed to go first, we agreed.”

“Can’t,” Ed repeated.

Will sighed and turned to Addie. “First of all, I want to tell you I’m sorry for everything that’s happened, except I’m not sorry you asked me to be your Noah. I fell in love with you. And it was because I didn’t want to hurt you and because I was a coward that I didn’t tell you what I should have. I never lied to you, but I didn’t tell you everything. If I’d just explained right from the start—but I was frightened of losing you.” He took a deep breath and gripped the edge of the couch.

Addie couldn’t take her eyes off him. Will swallowed hard.

“I want you to know that I think about you all the time. I can’t stop thinking about you. I love you, Addie. I love the way you chew your pencils. I love your beautiful Alsatian eyes. I love the way you can swear in a hundred languages.” He gave a shaky smile. “I love you teetering in those high heels. I love making love to you. I want to spend the rest of my life making you happy.”

Will dropped down at her feet. Addie saw the look of horror on Ed’s face.

“I’ve been selfish and stupid. I thought of myself when I should have been thinking of you. I know I don’t deserve another chance but I’m begging you to give me one. I want us to start again. That night you carried Vee back in the snow, I pushed you into Ed’s arms by not taking care of you. He shouldn’t have taken advantage of you, but that’s—”

“He didn’t,” Addie said.

“Didn’t what?” Will asked.

“I didn’t take advantage of her,” Ed said.

Will looked between the pair of them, gave a bewildered laugh and sat back on the couch. There was silence for a while before he spoke again, this time to Ed. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because you wanted to believe the worst in me.”

“Because you thought I wouldn’t want Addie if I thought she’d slept with you,”

Will snapped.

Addie saw Ed’s fists clench as he came up out of the chair. “So why didn’t you drag me from the bed and throw me out of the room?”

Will jumped to his feet.

“Stop it,” she shouted. “Stop fighting.”

Ed turned to her and his heart burst. She looked so confused and hurt and this was all their fault.

“I’m sorry, Addie,” he said in a quiet voice.

He was suffocating. God, what could he say? He didn’t want Will to love her because he loved her. He loved everything about her too, and he wanted to look after her for the rest of his life. He wanted her by his side when he went to bed and there when he woke up. He wanted her to laugh at his jokes and tease him when he was showing off. He wanted to watch her licking mustard off her fingers and he wanted her to lick it off his. More important, he didn’t want his old life. He wanted a new life with Addie.

He could have said all that and more, but the need to do the right thing was a heavy weight on him. Ed hadn’t wanted to come today. Will had made him. Now he had to make sure he did the best job he could of hiding the truth.

“I think—you’re very special, Addie.” That sounded terrible. Couldn’t he come up with something better than that? “And I need to apologize too. I’m sorry about what happened that night in the hotel. I was trying to help you and I did take advantage of the situation. Well, not complete advantage but—”

Ed could feel Will’s eyes on him. He made himself keep looking at Addie because this was the last time he would see her.
Sorry,
Ed wanted to say,
sorry for pushing you
into his arms, sorry for telling you to fight for him when I wanted to fight for you myself. Sorry
for not trying harder.

He had to choke out the next words. “Will adores you, Addie. Please give him another chance.”

He saw confusion flash across her eyes, and knew he’d hurt her again.

“Are you saying I was one of your flings?” she asked.

“Yes.” Ed made himself look her in the eyes.

“He’s lying,” Will said.

Ed kept looking at Addie. “I’m not. You know what I’m like. I’m a tart. I’ve slept my way through the office. Just missing an A.” Except he hadn’t slept with any of them, just taken them out and enjoyed their company.

“You can settle this,” Will said. “Choose between us.”

Ed wanted to be anywhere else in the world because this was hell.

“Maybe I should tell you both how I feel,” Addie said. “Ed, I think you’re the kindest person I’ve ever met. You’re thoughtful, sensitive, reliable and you’re funny.

You make me laugh.”

“You missed good-looking,” Ed said.

Addie smiled. “Very good-looking. You have beautiful eyes and you always look happy, well nearly always. You’ve been there for me when I needed you. You wanted me when I most needed to be wanted. You’ll always have a piece of my heart.”

Ed felt so ill he wondered if he was dying.

Addie turned to Will. “The other piece of my heart is yours because you gave me hope that I could be loved. You’re a good person, Will, and I know you never meant to hurt me.”

“She didn’t say you were good-looking,” Ed said.

“Shut up, Ed,” Will said.

“Will was the Noah straight out of my dreams. How could I not adore him?”

Ed knew he was going to be sick. He kept swallowing but it didn’t make him feel better.

“I love both of you,” she whispered.

“You must love one of us more,” Will insisted. “Whoever you choose, we’ll accept it. We’ve talked about it. We can do it. We can’t both lose you.”

Addie released a shaky breath.

“You don’t need to choose,” Ed said in a quiet voice. He saw what Will didn’t, that Addie couldn’t, wouldn’t choose.

“Shut up,” Will said.

“You’ve fallen out with each other because of me,” Addie said. “You don’t want to work together anymore. The pair of you won’t even sit on the same couch and I’m the only one who can put this right. Go back to London. Keep working together and stay friends. You’ll never see me again. Remember you both made me happy.”

“And we both made you sad,” Ed said. “Will loves you, Addie. You love him.”

Addie wrapped her arms around herself. “I know what you’re trying to do, Ed. I said you were the kindest person I’d ever met and I know what you’re doing.”

“Let me,” he pleaded. “Let me do this, please. You love Will. I know you do.”

Ed’s heart was doing acrobatics in his chest. He didn’t want her to choose. He didn’t want to know.

“Ed, would you go and make me a cup of coffee?” Addie asked.

He got up without a word and left them alone.

Addie crossed the room and sat by Will. She took hold of his hand. His fingers were shaking, his stomach in knots. If she chose Ed, Will would never see his brother again because no matter what he’d said to Ed, he could never bear to see Addie again, not if she was with Ed. He looked at her beautiful face, her eyes staring into his and he knew.

His world began to dissolve like snow falling into water.

“I won’t choose,” Addie said. “I can’t. Ed saw that. I don’t want to hurt either of you, but if I choose one, I hurt the other. Ed’s given me up for you. He loves you that much, Will. I don’t think you’d have done that for him. You couldn’t give up Vee for me.”

“I tried.” He could barely force the words from his mouth.

“I know you did and I know what she’s like. I understand how hard it was. But you had the chance to show me what I meant to you by being honest with me, more than one chance.”

He chewed the inside of his cheek and tasted blood in his mouth. “I never wanted you to be hurt.”

“I know. You tried to do the right thing for everyone, but you didn’t see that you couldn’t do that without people getting hurt. Most of all, you needed to do the right thing for yourself. Somehow that got lost.”

“She’s gone now,” he said in desperation.

“I’m glad for you because you can move on, but not with me.”

Now she’d said it, Will crumpled. He clutched her fingers. “How am I going to survive this? When I look at you I can’t breathe. How can I stand it?” A tear ran down his cheek.

“The same way I’ll stand it.” Addie stifled a sob.

“Can I kiss you?” Will asked. “Our last kiss?”

Before Addie could answer, he pulled her into his arms and speared his fingers through the hair at the back of her head, pressing his lips against hers. It was the sweetest, gentlest kiss he knew he’d ever given her. He wanted to change her mind, but knew it was too late.