Authors: Livia Jamerlan
“I called your mom and dad. They wanted to let you know that they are here for you if you need anything.” Katie informed me. I just nodded; still not ready to talk about it.
“Why don’t you all go shower and put your PJ’s on, it’s going to be a long night.” I said reaching for the vodka and ice. No Sprite or Red Bull needed. I wanted it straight. I needed to feel the burn down my throat to match the numbness that was consuming my body. The girls all got up and went to their separate rooms to shower and get ready. Left alone, I wiped a tear from my eye as I downed the remainder of my first drink, savoring the pain it caused as it made its way down my throat. Hoping it would replace the pain growing in my chest. The second didn’t burn as bad. The third a little less than the one before.
By the time I was done with my fourth, the girls were coming back into the living area. They watched me finish the drink in my hand, the first bottle almost empty.
Maybe they’re scared. I’m a walking time bomb waiting to explode
.
“I walked in on Marco raw-dogging Trish.” I said into the room; staring at the empty cup in my hand. It was the first time I said it out loud. It hurt and tears formed in my eyes. I wanted to scream, throw things, and punch the wall.
No one spoke. I assumed they didn’t want to say anything; they all knew I needed to get it all off my chest. I had enough liquor running through my veins that I could finally speak about the horror that had become my life.
“I went to surprise him at his office with lunch,” I began. “Trish wasn’t at her desk and his light was off, but his door was locked. I put in the stupid fucking code and I walked in on them. He didn’t even notice I was standing there until I slammed the door, and to add the cherry to the fucking sundae, I saw that he didn’t even have a condom on. I told him to go fuck himself. He said it was wedding nerves. I walked all over Central Park and now… we’re here.” I replayed the whole story for what felt like the one-millionth time even though it was the first and was met with silence. They looked at each other and then back at me.
“Now,” I continued. “We’re all going to drink until I’m completely numb. We’ll talk crap about Marco and I’ll pass out. Tomorrow I’ll cry and we’ll do the same thing again, got it?” This was the first time I looked away from my cup and looked at them each, one by one.
“Maybe you should eat something.” Caitlyn said. I knew she was concerned, but I couldn’t eat so I just looked at her and continued to down my drink.
We did exactly what I asked for. We talked about how much Marco sucked and how it was his loss but for some reason, I couldn’t shake that maybe it was all Karma. I had made a connection with Ryan, so it was only fair that Marco made a connection with Trish, right?
The girls all told me that there was a big difference, that what I had with Ryan was innocent and flirty and that what Marco had done was just plain wrong. I knew the difference, but I still couldn’t shake the feeling.
⌘
When morning finally came, everything hurt. My head was throbbing, my eyes hurt from bawling, and my heart, well my heart hurt the most. I really hated reality. I wanted to go back to dreamland where everything was almost perfect. But reality bites and I knew I had to face it. I got up and ordered room service before calling my mom to explain that I was fine. I knew she was worried but I didn’t have the patience to calm her down.
I was the first one up and when there was a knock on the door, I jumped to answer it, thinking it was room service. Instead it was Fiona Boutique here to drop off my wedding dress and my heart broke all over again. I thanked the gentleman and brought it inside. Deciding that I should get my money’s worth, I took my pajamas off and I put on my wedding dress. It was beautiful. An A-line dress with a sweetheart top and a rhinestone belt under the chest, it added a vintage touch to the dress.
Katie was the first one out of her room to see me sitting on the couch drinking vodka in my wedding dress. “What are you doing?”
“Getting my money’s worth.” I said curing my hangover with more alcohol.
“Ok.” She said slowly “Do you want to talk about it?”
“Nope.”
“Well it’s a little too early for me to drink so can I just watch as you do?”
“Yup.”
Katie allowed me to drink in peace. At this rate I was beginning to think I was becoming an alcoholic. Room service dropped off my egg and cheese sandwich, along with variety of things I had ordered for the girls. After that was in my stomach, I looked over at Katie and asked the one question that was bothering me.
“Did you cancel my honeymoon?”
“No I couldn’t, you have to though… You know you can still go. Maybe clear you head.” She added.
“No thanks. There is no way I’m going on that trip, not alone, not with anyone. I don’t want to go to a place filled with honeymooners that are all happy and in love. If anything I need to go somewhere where no one can find me and I can run from myself.”
“Well, when I called they said that you could cancel, but there would be a small fee. You would get some money back though.” Katie informed me.
“I think I need to get away.” I said, running my hands through my hair massaging my scalp. “I can’t stand to be here and I know Marco will eventually come looking for me.” Katie nodded. “I just need to disappear.”
I didn’t want to go to an island or Europe. I wanted to go to the middle of nowhere. Where no one would know me and I could just hide from all of my problems. Where I could just cry and scream. Somewhere where no one would look at me like ‘poor you I can’t believe he did that you’. That’s where I wanted to go. I closed my eyes and tried to think of place like that. I took a deep breath
“…if you are ever in Grand Forks”
At the time I thought
what the hell would I ever do there
but now it seemed like the perfect escape.
I opened my eyes and looked at Katie “I know where I want to go.”
“Where?” Melanie asked walking into our conjoined rooms.
“North Dakota.” I said.
“Alani.” Katie said; by the tone of her voice, I knew a lecture was coming.
“Look, Marco is going to come looking for me, and we all know he won’t stop until I speak to him. He will go to my parents, he will bother each one of you, and I know he won’t let me go without some sort of fight. We were going to Bora Bora for two weeks. How about I call the travel agency and buy you lovely ladies a quick trip somewhere as a thank you for all that you did for me. Ummm... maybe Jamaica? I’ll go to North Dakota to get some space and recharge.” They looked at me like I was a talking alien. When I put something in my head, I wanted it right away. I didn’t like to over analyze.
“Alani, listen to what you are saying that’s insane, it’s the booze and heartache speaking.” Katie said.
“Katie, I need this. I need a place to go and I know it’s where Ryan is from but I’m not going there for him. I am going for me. If I bump into him so be it. We don’t know if he even gave me the correct information. I just need to go to the middle of nowhere and North Dakota seems like the middle of nowhere.”
Before she had a chance to try to change my mind, I had the room phone in my hand, dialing my travel agent. I was able to send them to Jamaica for three nights and I booked myself on a two-week hiatus to North Dakota at the Hilton Garden Inn. The girls had taken a few days after the wedding off, so it fit perfectly with their schedules. We wouldn’t be able to leave until Sunday morning though, so I went back to drinking while Katie, Melanie, and Caitlyn argued on what to do about my “situation”.
I didn’t have a problem with going and disappearing. I had a problem with staying. I needed to go figure out what I was going to do with myself. I had no place to call home anymore and aside from these four girls, I had no friends to call my own. For the past five years Marco was my world, my life. I’d consumed everything that was us. I needed to go and learn how to stand on my own two feet again. I had to go and find out what it was like to do everything for myself and not my significant other.
I was going to North Dakota. It was cold there and my honeymoon suitcase was filled with bathing suits and summer dresses.
Great.
I would have to go shopping at some point for clothes so on Saturday before I left, I would shop for my hiatus, but for now I would continue to drink.
Chapter 3
Retreat
I
woke up Saturday morning wishing that the piercing pain in my chest would stop already. I couldn’t take it much longer. My whole world was crumbling down around me and I wasn’t ready to deal with any of it. Today was supposed to be the best day of my life. Today was supposed to be the day that I started my life as Mrs. Marco Mirabelli. Well, that wasn’t happening anymore
I got up, still dressed in my wedding dress. Instead of celebrating my happiness, I would celebrate the funeral of my relationship. After showering I decided that I wanted to attempt to have some sense of normalcy, and today I had to pack for my trip. I refused to go home and get all my winter clothes. Seeing my home would only destroy me that much more. All of the memories I shared with Marco would forever be tainted.
Going home wasn’t a possibility right now; I had to settle for finding winter clothes at the end of April. According to Google, the weather in North Dakota was still below freezing. Makeup was going to be my best friend for the next couple of days. My eyes were still puffy and dark and despite the fact that I was wearing more makeup than I usually did, it was still not enough to cover up the dark circles around my eyes. I had cried more this past weekend than I had in my entire life. I felt terrible that the girls took shifts watching me. I tried to hold myself together when any of them were around, but when I was by myself my world deteriorated. I couldn't control the tears, the heartache or the occasional screaming. Sleeping had become obsolete until the wee hours of the morning when I had enough alcohol in me to black out, safe to say, this weekend was my own personal hell.
The living area of the hotel room reminded me of a funeral house. Marco had sent an apology bouquet almost every hour since the whole thing happened. I knew he wanted to talk, but was nothing left to say. Even if it was a one-time occurrence, I could never forgive him. He wasn't under the influence of any substances, and he damn sure was not thinking about me. Clearly he was only thinking of himself. Now it was my turn to do the same.
Not knowing where to get winter clothes when it was already spring, the girls and I decided to go to
Century 21
. We tried all three
Century 21
stores in New York City and came up with nothing. After some searching at a few other stores I was finally able to find a few sweaters, jeans and boots. Luckily I found some snow gear in the clearance section at
REI
.
With shopping well behind me and after having checked out of our hotel, I decided to donate my wedding dress. There was no way I was keeping it. With that done we all headed to Melanie’s. Even though I had had some success shopping, I was still going to need to raid her closet.
“Why do you have so many ski suits if you don't ever go skiing?” Katie asked Melanie; we all sat in Melanie’s closet looking through her clothes.
“Because you never know if you are going to meet someone who likes it. This way I’ll be prepared” she replied, always thinking of everything.
“Alani, are you sure you want to go to North Dakota all by yourself? You don't know anyone there. What if you get so upset and you have no one to talk too?” Caitlyn asked. I loved that she had such a big heart.
“I'll be fine. Even if I just sleep for two weeks it will be worth it. I just want to be locked away from reality. The last five years I spent with someone that I loved with every fiber in my body. I was ready to spend my life with him. Have a family with him. He was it for me and I was perfectly content with that. So what do you do when he doesn't feel the same way?”
They all just stared at me. “I need to figure what my next moves are. And I won't be able to figure it out if I can't block all of this” I said, waving my arms to encompass my situation, “out.”
“Promise you will call if you start to feel lonely?” Caitlyn asked, once again making me grateful for her concern.
“Promise.” I replied.
Though we sat in Melanie's walk in closet -which was only five by five, I already felt lonely. I was surround in this tiny space with the things that comforted me the most, shoes, fashion, and my three best friends but I was still empty.
After the raiding extravaganza in Melanie's closet, I was starving. We decided to stay in New Jersey, that way I was sure I wouldn’t run into Marco. I knew he was desperate to speak to me, but I didn't need his explanations. We walked up Sinatra Drive looking for a place to eat. I wasn't in the mood for anything fancy.
I wanted good old comfort food so we settled on Harry’s Steakhouse. The potatoes that they served with their steaks were my guilty pleasure. Because of the amount of liquor I had put into my system in the past few days, I decided to give myself a break.
Well, My liver really, not me
. I could use the alcohol but I didn't want the girls thinking that my decision to go to North Dakota was because I was intoxicated and not thinking straight.
Dinner wasn't the usual. There was no laughing or jokes. Everyone was walking on eggshells around me. It made me feel even worse than I thought possible. I understood that the world would continue regardless of how much my heart hurt, but I didn't need them to change themselves when they were around me. This was another reason why I needed to go away. They wouldn’t enjoy themselves with me and I wasn’t going to want to do any of the fun things that they would want to do.
After dinner Katie and I headed to her house. She lived in a small railroad apartment that to get to one room you had to go through another. Her bedroom was all the way at the end and her living room in the front. I showered and got ready for bed. Usually I would crash in her bed since we had slept in the same bed since we were kids and had sleepovers but tonight, I just wasn’t up for the company.