Discworld 27 - The Last Hero (8 page)

 
 
   
“Strictly speaking, there won't be any down. As such, Er ... you could
say that you will be travelling so fast that you won't be in any one
place long enough to fall down.” Ponder sought a glimmer of understanding
in Rincewind's face. “Or, to put in another way, you'll be falling
permanently without ever hitting the ground.”
Up above them, rack on rack of dragons sizzled contentedly. Wisps of
steam drifted through the shadows.
“Oh,” said Rincewind.
“You understand?” said Ponder.
“No. I was just hoping that if I didn't say anything you'd stop trying to
explain things to me.”
“How are we doing. Mr Stibbons?” said the Archchancellor, strolling up at
the head of his wizards. “How's our enormous kite?”
“Everything's going to plan. sir. We're at T minus five hours, sir.”
“Really? Good. We're at supper in ten minutes.”
Rincewind had a small cabin, with cold water and running rats. Most of it
that wasn't occupied by his bunk was occupied by his luggage. The
Luggage.
It was a box that walked around on hundreds of little legs. It was
magical, as far as he knew. He'd had it for years. It understood every
word he said. It obeyed about one in every hundred, unfortunately.
“There won't be any room? he said. ”And you know every time you've gone
up in the air you've got lost.“
The Luggage watched him in its eyeless way.
”So you stay with nice Mr Stibbons, all right? You've never been at ease
around gods, either. I shall be back very soon.“
Still the eyeless stare went on.
”Just don't look at me that way, will you?“ said Rincewind.
Lord Vetinari cast his eye over the three ... what was the word?
”Men,“ he said, settling for one that was undoubtedly correct, ”it falls
to me to congratulate you on ...on ...“
He hesitated. Lord Vetinari was not a man who delighted in the technical.
There were two cultures, as far as he was concerned. One was the real
one, the other was occupied by people who liked machinery and ate pizza
at unreasonable hours.
”... on being the first people to leave the Disc with the resolute
intention of returning to it,“ he went on. ”Your ... mission is to land
on or near Con Celesti, locate Cohen the Barbarian and his men, and by
whatever means feasible stop this ridiculous scheme of theirs. There must
be some misunderstanding. Even barbarian heroes generally draw the line
at blowing up the world.“ He sighed. ”They're usually not civilised
enough for that,“ he added. ”Anyway ... we implore him to listen to
reason, et cetera. Barbarians are generally sentimentalists. Tell him
about all the dear little puppies that will be killed, or something.
Beyond that, I can't advise you further. I suspect classical force is out
of the question. If Cohen was easy to kill, people would have done it a
long time ago.“
Captain Carrot saluted. ”Force is always the last resort, sir,“ he said.
”I believe that for Cohen it's the first choice,“ said Lord Vetinari.
”He's not too bad if you don't come up behind him suddenly.“ said
Rincewind.
”Ah, there is the voice of our mission specialist,“ said the Patrician.
”I just hope- What is that on your badge. Captain Carrot?“
”Mission motto, sir,“ said Carrot cheerfully. ”Morituri Nolumus Mori.
Rincewind suggested it.“
”I imagine he did.“ said Lord Vetinari. observing the wizard coldly. ”And
would you care to give us a colloquial translation, Mr Rincewind?"

 
 
   
“Er ...” Rincewind hesitated, but there really was no escape. “Er ...
roughly speaking, it means. ”We who are about to die don't want to“,
sir.”
“Very clearly expressed. I commend your determination ... Yes?”
Ponder had whispered something in his ear.
“Ah, I'm informed that we have to leave you shortly,” said Lord Vetinari.
“Mr Stibbons tells me that there is a means of keeping in touch with you,
at least until you're close to the mountain.”
“Yes, sir,” said Carrot. The fractured omniscope. An amazing device. Each
part sees what the other parts sees. Astonishing.“
”Well, I trust your new careers will be uplifting if not, ahaha,
meteoric. To your places, gentlemen.“
”Er ... I just want to take an iconograph, sir.“ said Ponder, hurrying
forward and clutching a large box. ”To record the moment? If you would
all stand in front of the flag and smile, please ... that means the
corners of your mouth go up. Rincewind ... thank you.“ Ponder, like all
bad photographers, took the shot just a fraction of a second after the
smiles had frozen. ”And do you have any last words?“
”You mean, last words before we go and come back?“ said Carrot, his brow
wrinkling.
”Oh, yes. Of course. That's what I meant! Because of course you will be
coining back, won't you?“ said Ponder, far too quickly in Rincewind's
opinion. ”I have absolute confidence in Mr da Quirm's work, and I'm sure
he has too.“
”Oh, dear. No, I never bother to have any confidence,“ said Leonard.
”You don't?“
”No, things just work. You don't have to wish,“ said Leonard. ”And, of
course, if we do fail, then things won't be that bad. will they? If we
fail to come back, there won't be anywhere left to fail to come back to
in any case, will there? So it will all cancel out.“ He gave his happy
little smile. ”Logic is a great comfort in times like this, I always
find.“
”Personally,“ said Captain Carrot. ”I am happy, thrilled and delighted to
be going.“ He tapped a box by his side. ”And I am, as instructed, also
bringing along an iconograph and intend to take many useful and deeply
moving images of our world from the perspective of space which will
perhaps cause us to see humanity in an entirely new light.“
”Is this the time to resign from the crew?“ said Rincewind. staring at
his fellow voyagers.
”No.“ said Lord Vetinari.
”Possibly on grounds of insanity?“
”Your own. I assume?“
”Take your pick!“
Vetinari beckoned Rincewind forward.
”But it could be said that someone would have to be insane to take part
in this venture.“ he murmured. ”In which case, of course, you are fully
qualified.“
”Then ... supposing I'm not insane?“
”Oh, as ruler of Ankh-Morpork I have a duty to send only the keenest,
coolest minds on a vital errand of this kind.“
He held Rincewind's gaze for a moment.
”I think there's a catch there,“ said the wizard, knowing that he'd lost.
”Yes. The best kind there is.“ said the Patrician.
The lights of the anchored ships disappeared into the murk as the barge
drifted on, faster now as the current began to pull. ”No turning back
now," said Leonard.
There was a roll of thunder, and fingers of lightning walked along the
Edge of the world.

 
 
   
“Just a squall, I expect.” he added, as fat drops of rain thudded on the
tarpaulins. “Shall we get aboard? The draglines will keep us pointed
directly at the Rim, and we might as well make ourselves comfortable
while we wait.”
“We ought to release the fire boats first, sir,” said Carrot.
“Silly me, yes,” said Leonard. “I'd forget my own head if it was wasn't
held on with bones and skin and things!”
A The helmsman's chair
B Left wing chair
C Right wing chair (for mission specialist)
D Yoke (for altitude and wing-warping)
E Pedals (for rudder)
F Device for Looking Behind You
G Fragment of omniscope
H Sphere of quicksilver (to show ground level)
I Wing winding handle
J Dragon Blinkers handle
K Mirror Array handle
L Salmon of Thunder mirror release
M Salmon of Thunder Separation
N Dragon Pod Separation
O Device for slowing instantly
P Troba (wing jettison, endeavour not to use)
Q Windscreen wiper
R Seat adjuster
S Prince Haran's Tiller
T Whig capstan release
U Cup holders
Editor's note: Just like Leonardo da Vinci, Leonard of Quirm famously
wrote backwards, a talent not unusual in left-handed people. Sadly, but
for the purpose of clarity and the continued sanity of our readers, we
have been forced to print the handwriting the wrong way round.
A couple of ship's boats had been sacrificed for the attempt on the
Circumfence. They wallowed slightly, laden as they were with spare tins
of varnish, paint and the remains of the dragons' supper. Carrot picked
up a couple of lanterns and, after a couple of tries in the gusting wind,
managed to light them and place them carefully according to Leonard's
instructions.
Then the boats were cast adrift. Freed of the drag of the barge, they
pulled away in the quickening current.
The rain was hammering down now.
“And now let us get aboard,” said Leonard, ducking back out of the rain.
“A cup of tea will do us good.”
“I thought we decided we couldn't have any naked flames on board, sir,”
said Carrot.
“I have brought along a special jug of my own devising which keeps things
warm.” said Leonard. “Or cold, if you prefer. I call it the Hot or Cold
Flask, I am at a loss as to how it knows which it is that you prefer, but
nevertheless it seems to work.”
He led the way up the ladder.
Only one small lamp lit the little cabin. It illuminated three seats,
embedded among a network of levers, armatures and springs.
The crew had been up here before. They knew the layout. There was one
little bed further aft, on the basis that there would only he time for
any one person to be asleep. String bags had been stapled to every bit of
unused wall to bold water bottles and food. Unfortunately, some of Lord
Vetinari's committees, devised in order to prevent their members from

 
 
   
interfering with anything important, had turned their attention to
provisioning the craft. It appeared packed for every eventuality,
including alligator-wrestling on a glacier.
Leonard sighed.
“I really didn't like to say no to anyone.” he said. “I did suggest that,
er, nourishing but concentrated and. er, low-residue food would be
preferred-”
As one man, they turned in their seats to look at the Experimental Privy
Mk 2. Mk I had worked -Leonard's devices tended to - but since a key to
its operation was that it tumbled very fast on a central axis while in
use it had been abandoned after a report by its test pilot (Rincewind)
that, whatever you had in mind when you went in, the only thing you
wanted to do once inside was get out.
Mk 2 was as yet untried. It creaked ominously under their gaze, an open
invitation to constipation and kidney stories.
“It will undoubtedly function,” said Leonard, and just this once
Rincewind noted the harmonic of uncertainty. “It is all just a matter of
opening the correct valves in sequence.”
“What happens if we don't open the right valves in sequence, sir?” said
Carrot, buckling himself in.
“You must appreciate that I have had to design so many things for this
craft-” Leonard began.
“We'd still like to know,” said Rincewind.
“Er ... in truth, what happens if you don't open the right valves in
sequence is that you will wish you had opened the right valves in
sequence,” said Leonard. He fumbled below his seat and produced a large
metal flask of curious design. “Tea, anyone?” he said.
“Just a small cup,” said Carrot firmly.
“Make mine a spoonful.” said Rincewind. “And what's this thing hanging in
the ceiling in front of me?”
“It's my new device for looking behind you,” said Leonard. “It's very
simple to use. I call it the Device For Looking Behind You.”
“Looking behind you is a bad move,” said Rincewind firmly. “I've always
said so. It slows you down.”
“Ah, but this way we won't slow down at all.”
“Really?” said Rincewind, brightening up.
A squall of rain banged on the tarpaulins. Carrot tried to see ahead. A
gap had been cut in the covers so that the-
“By the way .. . what are we?” he said. “I mean, what do we call
ourselves?”
“Possibly foolish.” said Rincewind.
“I meant officially” Carrot looked around the crammed cabin. “And what do
we call this craft?”
“The wizards call it the big kite.” said Rincewind. “But it's nothing
like a kite, a kite is something on a string which-”
“It has to have a name.” said Carrot. “It's very bad luck to attempt a
voyage in a vessel with no name.”
Rincewind looked at the levers in front of his seat. They had to do
mainly with dragons. “We're in a big wooden box and behind us are about a
hundred dragons who are getting ready to burp,” he said. “I think we need
a name. Er .. . do you actually know how to fly this thing, Leonard?”
“Not as such, but I intend to learn very soon.”
“A really good name,” said Rincewind fervently. Ahead of them the stormy
horizon was lit by an explosion. The boats had hit the Circumfence, and
burst into fierce, corrosive flame. “Right now? he added.
”The kite, the real kite, is a very beautiful bird,“ said Leonard. ”It's
what I had in mind when I-"

 
 
   
“The Kite it is, then,” said Carrot firmly. He glanced at a list pinned
in front of him and ticked off one item. “Shall I drop the tarpaulin
anchor, sir?”
“Yes. Er. Yes. Do that,” said Leonard. Carrot pulled a lever. Below and
behind them there was the sound of a splash, and then of cable running
out very fast.
“There's a reef! There's rocks!” Rincewind stood up. pointing.
The firelight ahead glowed on something squat and immovable, surrounded
by surf.
“No turning back.” said Leonard as the sinking anchor dragged the Kite's
coverings off like an enormous cam-as egg. He reached out and pulled
handles and knobs like an organist in full fugue.
“Number One Blinkers ... down. Tethers ... off. Gentlemen, each pull
those big handles beside you when I say ...”
The rocks loomed. The white water at the lip of the endless Fall was red
with fire and glowing with lightning. Jagged rocks were a few yards away,
hungry as a crocodile's teeth.
“Now! Now! Now! Mirrors ... down! Good! We have flame! Now what was it...
oh, yes ... Everyone hold on to something?”
Wings unfolding, dragons flaring, the Kite rose from the splintering
barge and into the storm and over the Rim of the world ...
The only sound was a faint whisper of air as Rincewind and Carrot
clambered off the shivering floor. Their pilot was staring out of the
window.
“Look at the birds! Oh. do look at the birds!”
In the calm sunlit air beyond the storm they swooped and turned in their
thousands around the gliding ship, as small birds will mob an eagle. And
it did look like an eagle, one that had just snatched a giant salmon from
the Fall ...
Leonard stood entranced, tears running down his cheeks.
Carrot tapped him very gently on the shoulder. “Sir?”
“It's so beautiful... so beautiful...”
“Sir, we need you to fly this thing, sir! Remember? Stage Two?”
“Hmm?” Then the artist shuddered, and part of him returned to his body.
“Oh, yes, very well, very well ...” He sat down heavily in his seat. “Yes
... to be sure ... yes. We shall, er, we shall test the controls. Yes.”
He laid a trembling hand on the levers in front of him, and placed his
feet on the pedals. The Kite lurched sideways on the air.
“Oops ... ah, now I think I have it... sorry ... yes ... oh. sorry, dear
me ... all, now I think ...”
Rincewind, flung against the window by another judder, looked down the
face of the Rimfall.
Here and there, all the way down, mountain-sized islands projected from
the wall of white water, glowing in the evening light. Little white
clouds scudded between them. And everywhere there were birds, wheeling,
nesting, gliding-
“There's forests on those rocks! They're like little countries ...
there's people! I can see houses!”
He was thrown back again as the Kite banked into some cloud.
There's people living over the Edge!“ he said.
”Old shipwrecks. I suppose,“ said Carrot.
”I, er, I think I have the hang of it now,“ said Leonard, staring fixedly
ahead. ”Rincewind, please be so good as to pull that lever there, will
you?"
Rincewind did so. There was a clunk behind them, and the ship shook
slightly as the first-stage cage was dropped.
As it tumbled slowly apart in the air, small dragons spread their wings
and flapped hopefully back towards the Disc.