Dirty: The Complete Series (Secret Baby Romance Love Story) (77 page)

Chapter
Seven

  
I
made it to midterms holding my grades up much more easily than I had in the
fall; at least there was that much for me to feel happy about, even if I was
miserable otherwise. I felt terrible for the way I’d pushed Ty aside. As days
turned into weeks, and weeks went over a month, and then two months, I hoped
that I’d eventually get over the pain.

  
After
all, I’d broken up with Dillon and managed to rebound. I hadn’t dated in
between the breakup and meeting Ty, but that didn’t mean anything. I told
myself again and again that it would get easier, that I would find someone new
to date, or at the very least the pain would go away, but nothing changed at
all.

  
I
hated the fact that I was avoiding him; Ty had been so open, so pleasant about
giving me space, and he had said at the time that I could come to him if I
changed my mind, or if I wanted to talk about anything.

  
There
were so many nights after that when I found myself alone in my dorm, missing
Ty, that I wanted to text him and tell him that I had been an idiot, and that I
wanted to get back together with him. But I managed to stop myself just short
of sending them.

  
The
reason I was actually managing to do halfway decently during the spring
semester was because my preferred method of avoiding Ty was to spend as much
time as possible in study groups and review groups for my classes; I was in the
library, in my classes, or my dorm room almost all the time—I barely went into
the dining hall to get food, and almost always took it to go.

  
I’d
told Ashley about breaking up with Ty, and she’d told me, point blank, that I
was an idiot. “He’s a gorgeous guy, smart as a whip, and sweet as hell—what is
wrong with you?” I hadn’t been able to admit the real reason that I’d called
things off between the two of us. I couldn’t tell anyone that I was insecure
and worried that Ty would just write me off as soon as he graduated.

  
“I
need to put my focus onto my studies,” I had told her instead. “I need to get
my GPA up, and figure out what I want to study for my major.”

  
“Right,
because it’s impossible to do that and have a relationship,” Ashley had
countered. “Nobody ever manages to balance the two.” I had shrugged.

  
“I
barely scraped by with passing grades last semester,” I had pointed out.
“Obviously I need to put more of my energy—all of it—into getting my grades in
line. Maybe…maybe sometime once I’ve got everything in order, I can talk to him
about it and we can see if there’s still something there.”

  
But
I knew that there wasn’t really a chance for that to happen. Ty hadn’t tried to
call me, hadn’t really tried to text me, ever since we’d agreed to give each
other space. If he wasn’t going to put much effort into trying to get back together
with me, I would just assume that he was letting me go, just like I was letting
him go. I knew it wasn’t completely rational; I knew I was just justifying
things. But I couldn’t let myself think that Ty might still have any feelings
at all for me, or else I might give into my weakness and get back together with
him.

  
Sometimes
I wondered if the reasons—the real ones—behind why I’d broken up with him were
even real. I had assumed that he wouldn’t want to commit to someone after such
a long relationship as he’d had with Kelsey. The fact that he’d been so curt
about explaining his relationship with her the night after I’d seen her
grinding on him at the club seemed to be evidence that there was more going on
between him and Kelsey than a failed relationship that he had put behind him.

  
I
remembered the way that he had just stood there in the club, the fact that he
hadn’t come after Ashley and me when we left. Had he gone home with her? I
didn’t know, and the fact that I didn’t know for sure—and the fact that I was
afraid to ask—made it impossible for me to want to try and make things right
between us.

  
I
kept my head up as much as I could, and kept away from Ty as much as possible.
I talked to Ashley, Elise, Julie, and Magda about whatever was on my mind instead
of talking to Ty; they couldn’t give me the kind of stress relief that Ty was
so good at—that would also just flat-out be weird—but there were people I could
talk to, there were people who would listen to me and give me ideas for how to
deal with what was going on in my classes.

  
I
was walking across campus one day, thinking about the English Literature After
1920 class that I had just left. I was actually enjoying it—of the classes I
had taken so far, it was one of the few that seemed to really appeal to me.

  
We
were discussing Jean Rhys in class, and I was thinking about what I could write
my next essay on. I had been avoiding Ty for weeks, doing everything I could to
avoid even seeing him. I thought that if I did, I wouldn’t be able to help
myself; I’d end up running up to him, I’d end up acting like an idiot—the same
way his drunken ex had acted the night at the club.

  
I
looked up from my phone and spotted him, walking the other direction, totally
oblivious to my existence. The sight of Ty, even at a distance, hit me like a
ton of bricks, and all I could do was just stand there, frozen in place,
watching him. He looked every bit as gorgeous as he had the first time I had
ever seen him, dressed in jeans and a
 
t-shirt and a pair of sneakers.

  
It
was basic—it was the college uniform—but somehow on Ty it looked like it was
just perfect. He’d cut his hair during winter break, but he’d let it grow out a
bit and it hung around his face and head in snarled, messy curls that my
fingers itched to run through. As Ty moved away from me I found myself
following him almost, walking far enough back to never catch up to him or quite
end up in his line of sight, but so completely intrigued by just the sight of
him after two months of avoiding seeing him altogether that I couldn’t just let
him walk away or make myself turn around.

  
When
Ty turned toward the dorms I stopped myself and found an empty table outside of
the dining hall to sit down at. I shook my head, thinking what an idiot I had
been; at any moment, Ty could have turned around and seen me following him,
staring at him. It would have been humiliating.

  
I
was so lost in my own thoughts that I didn’t even see Ashley approaching me
until she appeared at the table, sitting down across from me. “Hey—what are you
sitting out here for?” I blushed and shrugged.

  
“I
just kind of ended up here,” I said, looking around. It was three in the
afternoon; no one was really going to the dining hall for anything. Ashley must
have spotted me before I’d even sat down.

  
“I
saw you walking,” Ashley said, looking at me intently. “You looked like you
were lost in a dream.” My blush deepened.

  
“Fine,”
I said, closing my eyes and taking a quick, deep breath. “If you must know, I
saw Ty for the first time in like…two months or something.” I swallowed and
opened my eyes, meeting Ashley’s gaze. “I just kind of…got distracted by him.”

  
“Got
distracted? Girl, you were stalking him, weren’t you?” I cringed, looking
around to make sure that no one was eavesdropping on us.

  
“I
wasn’t stalking,” I said, knowing I was being defensive and not entirely
caring. “I just…it’s been a long time since I’ve seen him, and it was…” I
shrugged. “It was weird. I just couldn’t let myself let him out of my sight for
a minute.”

  
“Nic,”
Ashley said, shaking her head. “I am ashamed of you. Ty hasn’t been seeing
anyone since the two of you broke up for whatever reason it was you gave him.
He’s single. If you want to see him, you can just see him!”

  
“It’s
going to be awkward though,” I said, shaking my head to dismiss the idea. “I
mean, it would be super weird to go from avoiding him all the time to like,
just walking up to him and striking up a conversation, you know?”

  
“Why,
because you know you were bullshitting everyone when you told him you just
didn’t have time for both him and your classes?” Ashley raised an eyebrow. “I
don’t know the
real
reason that you
decided to cut things off with him, but I’d bet Ty would like to know.”

  
“He
just kind of…let it drop,” I said, shrugging again. “He said that if I ever
wanted to talk to him about anything, the door was open, but it’s not like he
really put any effort into trying to get me to tell him what was going on, or
to like—I don’t know—see if I was having second thoughts about it.”

  
“So
what you’re telling me is that you set a boundary with him, and he obeyed that
boundary and didn’t push you for more than you were comfortable with, and
that’s why you don’t want to at least have a talk with him and figure out of
there might still be something there?” Ashley stared at me for a long moment
and shook her head. “You need to take some more psych classes, sweetie.”

  
“He’s
a senior,” I pointed out. “Even if I did decide to try and talk to him, it’s
not like it’s all that likely he’ll decide to keep things up after he
graduates.”

  
That
was—in fact—the real reason I was so hesitant, the real reason that I had
pushed him away. How could a guy go from a three-year relationship and straight
into another serious commitment? Obviously—at least to me—I had been just
something to fill his time and someone to be comfortable and sexual with until
it came time to go home after graduation.

  
“Well
all I can say is that if you’re going to go around stalking him because the
sight of him distracts you, I think it’s probably better for him to at least
know why you’re staring at him from the bushes,” Ashley said, grinning a
little.

  
“You
are such a bitch sometimes,” I said, shaking my head. “I am not staring at him
from the bushes or watching his dorm room or anything like that. I’ve been
avoiding him for two months!”

  
“And
then the minute you saw him you just couldn’t help following him across campus
staring,” Ashley countered. “Talk to the guy. See what’s going on. Hell, that
way you at least get an up-close sighting of his face.”

  
She
stood and gathered up her stuff again. I laughed and shook my head, but in
spite of the fact that I knew that I would never put her advice into practice,
what Ashley had said reawakened the hunger I hadn’t even realized I’d been
feeling—on top of the pain and guilt and remorse that had been in the back of
my mind all the time. I couldn’t do anything about it though; I told myself
that once graduation came and went, and there was no chance of me seeing Ty
again, everything would be all right.

Chapter
Eight

  
It
seemed like the semester had dragged on and on, and like it had all happened in
the blink of an eye, all at the same time. Before I knew it I’d gotten through
midterms, and Nicole and I had been separated—with her even going so far as to
avoid me—for almost the whole semester. I’d had my degree audit and I knew that
all I had in front of me were finals and graduation—and the CPA exam.

  
I
had actually scheduled to take it before the semester ended; it was the first
window of the year, at the end of the testing window before the “break” month.
I figured that way, if I didn’t get a high enough score the first time, I would
have plenty of time left in the year to re-take the exam portions.

  
Dad
had helped me through the application process, including fronting my fees for
me—I definitely didn’t want to have to retake any part of the exam, but it was
going to be a grueling process to get through the exam the first time even if I
did as well as I had on the first practice test. I’d managed to get away with
not yet having my degree, since I’d passed the 150 credit hours requirement,
and since I was confirmed to be getting my degree in the meantime.

  
But
as I got closer and closer to graduation, instead of thinking about Nicole
less, I found myself thinking about her more. I thought about her when I
showered, I thought about her while I was filling out my applications, I
thought about her when I studied. It was just impossible—I wasn’t going to be
able to move forward until I’d figured out what happened between us. I had to
know. I had to figure out how to either make things right, or to put it to rest
because there was no way to make it right.

  
I’d
caught just the shortest glimpse of Nicole, as I was coming out of the Admin
building, fresh from my degree audit. She’d cut her hair—and god, it looked
amazing on her, framing her face, making her eyes look huge and sweet. I hadn’t
said anything, I didn’t call out to her; I just watched her walk, looking just
as beautiful as she ever had in a light, knee-length skirt and a local
band’s
 
t-shirt. I had wanted more than
anything to run up to her and wrap my arms around her, but I knew better.

  
But
I couldn’t get her out of my head. I went up to my room, and stared at the TV
for a little while, pretending to watch whatever it was that I’d put on but
actually thinking. Nicole had been avoiding me—but she hadn’t actually said she
didn’t want to talk to me, or see me, again.

  
How
terrible would it be for me to call her? Just to see how she was doing, and to
ask her if we could talk? We hadn’t seen each other in months, and I had spent
the whole time missing her, even while I was burying myself in work.

  
I
pulled my phone out of my pocket and took a deep breath.
Worst-case scenario, she doesn’t take the call, or she’s blocked your
number and you’ll go straight to voicemail,
I thought as I pulled up
Nicole’s contact information.

  
I
took another quick breath and made myself tap the ‘call’ icon and brought the
phone to my ear, waiting to find out whether or not the woman I had fallen in
love with was blocking me on her phone. It rang—once, and then twice, and I
thought to myself that even if she hadn’t blocked me, she might either be in
class or just not take my call at all, let it roll over. I listened as the
phone rang a third time. If it went to voicemail, I told myself not to get
upset—she could be in class, or in the library.

  
“Ty?”
My heart stuttered in my chest and I closed my eyes, relief and sadness and joy
rising up in me all at the same time.

  
“Hey,”
I said, trying to keep my voice calm and level and completely neutral. “I’ve
been thinking about you a lot.” There was a long silence on the other end and I
felt like my heart was going to drop to my knees.

  
“I’ve
been thinking about you too,” Nicole admitted.

  
“I
just…” I took a deep breath. “I’ve been thinking about the way that things
ended between us. I know you’ve kind of been avoiding me and I probably should
have said something sooner.”

  
“It’s
okay,” Nicole said, sounding almost breathless.

  
“Well,
I was hoping that you’d at least be…that you’d be okay with at least meeting up
with me, maybe grabbing some lunch together at the dining hall, so we could talk
about this?” I paused, and the silence on Nicole’s end of the line nearly
killed me. “I’m not expecting you to like, immediately want to date me again or
anything. I just want to talk about what happened. It’s been driving me crazy
and with graduation around the corner, I don’t want to leave anything unsaid
between us.”

  
There
was another pause, and then Nicole spoke, and relief flooded me.

  
“I
can meet you for lunch,” she said quietly. “I’m comfortable with that. I’ve
been thinking about you a lot, too, and I guess…I guess I was just waiting for
something like this so that we could actually talk about things.”

  
“I’ll
meet you in front of the dining hall at 12:05,” I suggested. “That way we can
avoid the first big rush for lunch.”

  
“That
sounds good,” Nicole said. She sounded strange—but I had to hope that it was
just because she was feeling as weirdly emotional as I was feeling.

  
“I’ll
see you then,” I said. I didn’t want to hang up, but I knew I had to. I took a
deep breath, mumbled a goodbye, and ended the call.