Diary of an Assistant Mistress (8 page)

There are many advantages in not being in school on this day. One is the infantile and repetitive practical jokes. Then there are the ones the children do.

The great day arrived. One morning spent cutting sandwiches, twenty minutes in the registry office and then the sort of overextended bacchanal that George would have enjoyed if he and Edie hadn't been slipping off early to an undisclosed destination.

The PE hearties were there of course, trying to see how many pints they could sink and boasting about the size of their equipment.

The Maths department were spread around the room in warring cliques. The English department were huddled in one clique. Oz got tired and emotional very early in the proceedings and started to reminisce about his days in the SDP. Clair told a very funny story about Joan Collins and an elephant. Frances told us about her holiday in France. I told them all about waiting for Monarch airlines at Alicante airport. Jill and Tessa said very little and Alistair told us all about his vasectomy. Twice.

James always feels a bit out of it on these occasions. When we got home and fell into bed he insisted on blindfolding me with a folded black stocking and I cannot describe what happened next.

Saturday 2nd April supplemental

Oh yes I can. I felt his hands and his tongue going everywhere you can imagine and several places you probably can't. Then I heard Victor, who seemed to buzz for an awfully long time before he got to me, so I can only speculate. When Victor got to me I found out soon enough that James had smeared Algipan all along his length. If I had any drowsiness left, it vanished at this point.

Sunday 3rd April

Got up around ten. Orange juice is the only hangover cure I know. WE were out of orange juice. Went for a walk in the fresh air. Passed the local pond, saw the same two girls as last time ostensibly feeding the ducks. They saw me and stopped throwing anything until I was past them. Then they shouted out "Paki Bitch!" and some nearby boys started laughing.

I walked back to the girls and this time I really let them have it verbally, I can be fairly scathing when I get going and when I have a hangover to boot.

I wonder what, if anything, this has achieved. I imagine they will yell their racist abuse from a greater distance next time.

Monday 4th April

God is dead, Karl Marx is dead and I don't feel too good myself.

Tuesday 5th April

I made an appointment with the doctor and told him all about my symptoms. For example I have had a sore throat for a long time. He suggested that this was chronic pharyngitis. Since pharyngitis is a sore throat and chronic means "for a long time" I was in no position to fault his diagnosis.

He also said that I probably had a bug of some sort and there was a lot of it about.

Wednesday 6th April

Went in to work to count the computers. I also took the opportunity to ring the computer experts. No reply. Started on tenth year profiles. Got fed up and started ninth year reports.

Thursday 7th April

Started on ninth year reports, got fed up and started on tenth year profiles. James had one of his imported videos from Denmark - Dirty Dens as they are called (at least by me). He wanted to run it. I wanted to watch Coriolanus. For a fleeting moment I thought about videoing Coriolanus, then realised the obvious.

Instead we had a row. I said that I was fed up with films that treated human beings like animals ... and vice versa!

Friday 8th April

James went off, still in a huff about "Teenage Sex Rompers Reveal All Their Dangly Bits" and I settled down to polish off the ninth year reports. Now I have only the tenth year profiles to finish off for the weekend.

There is something seriously wrong with the pipery in this house. Every time I empty the sink, the shower starts filling up.

Saturday 9th April

Tea at the vicarage. John entertained us with hair-raising tales about the state of the plumbing at the vicarage. He thinks the C of E could put some of its millions into improving the lot of the clergy - though he concedes there are better causes.

Sunday 10th April

Another sleepless night. James is getting used to the fact that I can't sleep the night before going back to work, the trouble is I don't really feel like his suggestion for passing the time either.

Monday 11th April

The honeymooners returned to work. Edie is already beginning to look more tired than I remember her.

Today I overheard Pat and Frank having a heated discussion about a re-entrant triangle. It struck me that I very seldom hear Maths teachers talking about their subject in the staffroom.

English department meeting. Again I cannot remember what was discussed so I will make something up for the minutes.

I had to bring the Skoda to work to bring in all the paperwork. Naturally I could not persuade it to take me home. Torquemada's attempt to jump-start it only had the effect of partially frying his leads. Then Brad turned up and between them they succeeded in pushing it so I could start it. A PE teacher and an RE teacher - I thought the job needed brute force and ignorance! However, I refrained from mentioning this and I was truly thankful.

Tuesday 12th April

At the year meeting we learnt that our registers have to be filled in differently. All pupils born before 12th April have to be marked in blue ink and all pupils born after 12th April have to be marked in red ink, whereas all those who have reached their sixteenth birthday should be marked in green ink willy nilly.

We have all been issued with new registers and given until Friday to fill in this year's attendances in the correct colours. The lunatics have taken over the asylum.

I raised the matter at the NUT meeting at Ruskin House but no helpful suggestions were forthcoming. We will hold a school meeting tomorrow.

Ruskin House bar is not a sexist male preserve though it was jam packed with male trade unionists. I noticed a lot of heads were turning in our direction but I think Amanda's extremely tight-fitting trouser suit may have been something to do with it.

All through our discussion - which was mainly about administration in schools - she kept absent-mindedly scratching and itch in the vicinity of her left breast. I found it distracting, some of the other customers did too judging from their eyebrows.

Wednesday 13th April

Everybody turned up to the NUT meeting today to register their protests about the workload. It is the register fiasco which has sparked this off. Some hapless soul from regional office turned up expecting a round-up of the usual suspects About sixty extremely vexed teachers was a bit of a shock for him.

For the time being we will return lists of absentees to the office and keep the registers pristine while the issue is taken to a higher level. Olive is going to be cross tomorrow.

Thursday 14th April

Day one of the great register revolt. I noticed Torquemada's register was the only one in the box. Scab.

Olive called a meeting for after school and everyone who could attend did so.

When we came in, the hierarchy was arranged impressively along the top table; Olive in the centre, bristling like Margaret Thatcher in one of her less charming moods. Peter on her right hand, imagining he was at a court-martial; Simon on her left, looking, for some inexplicable reason, like an ineffectual wanker who shouldn't be let within half a mile of a class of children.

In between Olive's fumes, Peter's drones and Simon's whimpering, I happened to notice some graffiti on the desk in front of me: "Forget the pain, forget the passion, Get down and do it doggy-fashion." This caused me to giggle, which did not go down at all well with the powers that be.

The final result of the meeting is that there will be another meeting tomorrow at which we will have the hapless regional NUT official back for a grilling.

And we were trying to save ourselves work!

FRIDAY 16th APRIL

The regional official had a case of diplomatic earache so we ended up postponing the meeting but the general feeling of the ranks is that there will be no surrender.

The local press have got hold of the story and today's headline was "A TICKING OFF FOR SIR."

SATURDAY 16th APRIL

Took home a portable computer for the weekend. The Z88 is very cheap and unreliable but I understand that they are used by the Royal Marines, though I don't know what they use them for.

This one is dead. Even when I unbent a paperclip and shoved it in the appropriate orifice (in the computer) it had no effect.

Sunday 17th April

The Z88 has come back to life. From what I can tell, we could complete all the required elements of the RSA course with this machine. The only trouble with having anything portable in school is that it tends to get ported.

The battery is already running low however, which suggests that I am going to need a power supply for every Z88, which rather removes the advantage of portability because I can't use it in an average classroom with its one plug socket.

I fiddled with the Pipedream program while James was drooling his way through a video pipedream of his own involving a blonde, a negress and a man in a mask. When the final credits rolled, telling us who the wardrobe mistress was (a rather underworked individual by the looks of things) I coyly informed James that he really should have consulted his calendar. And so to bed.

I was kept awake by the sound of grinding teeth for a bit - at least I assume that was what it was.

Monday 18th April

We shall not be moved. Torquemada's register was joined by a few others in the bin, including Clair's, but not one NUT member has crossed the psychological picket line.

I asked Torquemada what the Bible said about strikebreaking. He said he wasn't aware there was a strike.

The regional official announced that the NUT was advising us not to take this action. If he expected us all to cave in, he was in for a disappointment. Oz got as hot under the collar as a retired SDP member can reasonably get and he had a lot of support.

I had a brief chat with George. He thinks that our failure standard is about forty. If forty members of staff cave in we will have a job holding the line. He does not want to tell anyone this.

Tuesday 19th April

Naturally Olive made the most of the invertebrate character of the NUT leadership and this morning we had a note in our pigeon holes saying that we would be suspended from duty unless we completed the registers in the prescribed fashion by Friday of this week and that the NUT would not support us.

Wednesday 20th April

Thirteen registers in the bin this morning.

Thursday 21st April

Fifteen registers in the bin this morning.

Friday 22nd April

Twenty registers in the bin this morning. We have won! At a meeting after work, the hierarchy again assembled in solemn conclave and anathematised 80 percent of the staff. They then praised the twenty who had filled in the registers properly and informed them that they would now have to fill in their registers all over again because we were reverting to the previous method.

Saturday 23rd April

Snow. In April. It reminds me of an Evening Standard headline: "Flaming June - It's Snowing." Possibly the most unnecessary piece of 'news' ever, I could hardly see the headline for the swirling snow flurries.

When it starts snowing at school, it does not matter what year I am teaching, they will cluster around the windows and start asking if the school is going to be closed. One legendary winter the school actually was closed for one day and the folk-memory of the pupils has never forgotten it.

This didn't even settle.

Sunday 24th April

I don't see why anyone has the heart to saw down silver birch trees, as I saw two young men doing today. They are ideal phallic symbols, so erect, so pale, so commonplace. Talking of which, James ... but do I have to labour the obvious?

But then again, why not. We were seated on the sofa watching yet another rather poorly made video with a Swedish accent (this did not matter as the dialogue was minimal). I waited until James' erection was placing his Levis under strain. I very carefully unzipped his fly, very slowly covered my hand with vaseline and took hold of his warm penis. It was then that he discovered that I had previously put Algipan on my palm. He didn't complain, though he moaned a little.

Is there a good way of getting semen stains off velour upholstery?

Monday 25th April

A new set of incomprehensible instructions on assessing oral work came cascading out of the old pigeon hole this morning, along with a reminder that eighth year reports are due in on Friday. Spent the evening not doing the eighth year reports. I had brought home all the paperwork but forgotten the forms. We spent the evening in the pub so it was not completely wasted. James then suggested that he assess my oral work. I agreed. I must have been drunk.

Tuesday 26th April

Rosencrantz is dead, Guildenstern is dead, and you know the rest by now. I can remember a time when I didn't get hangovers. Youth is wasted on the teetotal.

Wednesday 27th April

Made a serious start on the eighth year reports. After half an hour, I found that the first two I had written were identical, which suggests that I am paying too much attention to National Cur criteria and not enough to the children. I decided to write a real report on their work and ignore the Key Stage. This way I got most of them done.

Thursday 28th April

Rang the computer repair experts and got the Man Who Knows Nothing About Computers. He has obviously had a sex-change operation as he is now the Girl Who Knows Nothing About Computers. However GWKNAC was as informative as ever and I now know less than I did.

Friday 29th April

Handed in the eighth year reports this morning. Received them back this afternoon. They are not in line with the guidelines, so I must put them in line with the guidelines BY YESTERDAY.

Alternatives include:

a) Spending the weekend writing the reports again, in line with the Fat Controller's guidelines.

b) Keeping the reports until the last moment and then resubmitting them as they are.