Diary of an Assistant Mistress (14 page)

Wednesday 28th September

Torquemada gleefully reminded me that there was another governors' meeting in December. I assume that he has had wind that the Second Comers are going to have another go at nailing me for gross moral turpitude - but the incidents are all a bit old now and I don't think there is much to worry about.

James and I shared a bath this evening. We haven't done that for a while, usually I prefer showers. At least he didn't ask me to suck his duck.

Thursday 29th September

Today I confiscated a packet of cigarettes from Tracy, strode personfully into the staffroom and threw them into the bin. I think the effect was somewhat spoilt by Tessa and George scrambling to fish them out again and knocking the bin over in the process.

Friday 30th September

Letter from Tracy's mum demanding the return of the "cigarets." I circled all the spelling mistakes and returned it to Pat with the suggestion that it might just be Tracy's own work. Pat rummaged in his files and produced another letter from Tracy's mum which had even more mistakes.

Apparently Mrs Nicotine is within her rights and I had to cough up for a replacement.

Saturday 1st October

Shopping at the Co-op. Bumped (almost literally) into Tessa and Oz. They were obviously having a difference of opinion of some kind. Oz looked as though he had been caught shoplifting - but this is almost normal for him. Tessa looked as if butter wouldn't melt in her mouth. They only had the one basket between them.

When I got home I wondered aloud what they were up to. James had a fairly graphic description of what they might be up to but that wasn't quite what I meant.

Sunday 2nd October

Why do we read the Sunday papers? a) James' alternative method of whiling away the morning in bed is too similar to the way we whiled away Saturday night and b) there is a twelve-page analysis of proportional representation.

When I did Art, I thought I knew what proportional representation was - it was the reason why my nudes were so top-heavy.

Monday 3rd October

Let me get this straight. I was having a job opening the stock cupboard door [It was last oiled before the flood and some water must have got into the lock]. Sir Oswald assisted the key with his right hand and took the opportunity to snake his left arm round my body and accidentally come into contact with my left breast - through a fairly substantial pullover and very briefly.

Two third (OK ninth) year girls giggled at nothing in particular as Oz and I disappeared into the stock cupboard.

That, my learned friends, is the incident, the whole incident and nothing but the incident. The brevity of the contact, its ostensibly accidental nature and the intervening layers of woolie and (if we must speak of woolies) the fact that it was only Oz constitute the reasons why I did not immediately inform the constabulary of the facts, m'lud.

Anyway, I received the dread and once familiar summons to the den of Snooks. Feeling like Indiana Jones without the hat, I confronted the slimy writhing Snooks: only to find that this was a particularly venomous variety.

It was "the flagrant incident in the corridor," that she wished to discuss and whether I considered this sort of conduct before pupils to be seemly or suitable.

There is clearly a lot to be said for ignorance. I didn't actually recall the incident at all until later. When she asked me: had I or had I not been embracing a married member of staff in front of pupils, I said I hadn't. I was thinking about George - I had never embraced him in the corridor - I have very rarely embraced him anywhere else either. He did once pinch my behind and I turned round rather suddenly and hit him with some files I was carrying: not an embrace within the terms of the Act.

So I escaped unscathed from the Snook pit, but when she talks to Oz he will look his usual self (guilty as Hell) and that will be that.

Tuesday 4th October

Had a word with Oz. Like me, he did not initially recall the incident. Then he didn't believe me and assumed I was winding him up. Winding up Oz is an old departmental custom. It seems that a certain Snooks of my acquaintance has not summoned Oz to The Presence. I would complain but I suppose this would hardly fit in with my original position that I didn't know what she was talking about.

Wednesday 5th October

There is a girl in one of George's classes called Jenny Taylor. Some of the boys find this highly amusing because if your hearing is fairly defective and your intellect minimal, it sounds a bit like "genitalia." I mentioned this to George. Unfortunately his response was to fall about laughing.

Thursday 6th October

I picked up the telephone at home - dead silence. However, it didn't sound like a dead line - though it is hard to explain exactly how I knew. It was a "breather." I suggested that he try 0898 696969 for a better response because I certainly wasn't going to describe my underwear to him.

After I had put the phone down, I started worrying. We are in the phone book under James Power, so why pick did he on my number unless he knows me?

I was already feeling a little jittery when I noticed that James had one of his off-colour videos in his briefcase and I had to explain that I really wasn't in the mood and he said that the video had to go back tomorrow. He also quoted a Guardian article which claimed that women pretended not to like porno videos but objective measurements of their state of arousal suggested otherwise.

We then got into a discussion about vaginal lubrication which sounds rather like something out of Ford Sierra handbook. The final result was that the video stayed in the briefcase.

Friday 7th October

Another phonecall from our friend with the chest trouble. This time I had a PE whistle handy so I don't think he'll be back. The telephonist suggested this course of action when I asked about Telecom intercepting my calls and was told they would do it ... for œ37.50 plus VAT - she said a blast on a whistle was usually just as effective. She also pointed out that my silent caller was probably silent because I might recognise his voice. Perhaps I should wear my whistle on Monday and look pointedly at the main suspects - Simon and Gavin in 9zq2, James in 8Gbh and that precocious little Gabriel in 7wq2n.

Torquemada? George? Snooks? I can't spend the whole day looking pointedly at people and brandishing a whistle.

James was agreeably surprised that I wasn't put out by the call tonight. On the contrary I was buoyed up by the victory. I didn't mind blowing his whistle for him, then and there on the sofa.

Saturday 8th October

Shopping at the Co-op. Ideologically pure but where the hell is the bleach?

James came to bed in an obviously excited state and was most put out when I told him it was the wrong time of the month. He first accused me of adopting a triumphalist tone and then said that it explained why I was so receptive (receptive!) last night: I knew I had a week off coming.

I explained to him that this attitude - that good girls don't like sex and the best a chap can expect is that his wife be "receptive" - was so out of date that even my mother thought it was old-fashioned. I do enjoy sex, especially since the advent of Victor.

By now he had an erection the size of the Eiffel Tower so I suggested that he try a bit of DIY, he said he'd forgotten how to and asked if I could show him.

Sunday 9th October

Lunchtime at the Red Lion. Met George and Edie, discussed the prospects for the Labour Party - it didn't take long. Ever since James and I were expelled for not paying the Poll Tax (we did in the end - but the government backed down before we did), George has developed a soft spot for reformists. Presumably on the grounds that anyone who can expel us can't be all bad!

He started to suggest that we both go back to his house but I took Edie aside in the Ladies for a quiet chat and he soon went off the plan.

Monday 10th October

Ominous note in my pigeon hole: ƒb Mrs Crooke (mother of Damian, 7G) would like to arrange a private interview with you about the National Curriculum.

When parents start brandishing the National Cur it's a penny to a pound that the welfare of their offspring is the last thing on their minds.

True to form, Mrs Crooke gave me a substantial lecture on how to teach English over the telephone. At least I avoided the personal interview but the phone call took up the best part of my free period so I had to catch up on the marking in the evening and miss Judo. I will be giving the little Crooke some extra grammar work but this really comes close to visiting the sins of the mother on the son doesn't it?

Tuesday 11th October

Went with Peter, the woodwork teacher who is now head of Technology, to see a presentation about CD ROM. It has words, it has pictures, it sings; it dances; it does the washing-up. It costs more than my car. I have seen the future and we can't afford it.

It was all just a little above Peter's head but it is against his principles to ask a woman questions.

Wednesday 12th October

Oz looked worried this morning but this is his habitual expression. It seems that Mrs Crooke had caught him in my absence yesterday and given him a substantial ear-bashing. He waffled weakly in the usual manner: he has been so long on the fence that the iron has entered into his soul. In the end he left her with the remark that "Uruk High is quite a good school." I can't see that going down too well if it is ever transmitted to the Snooksery.

Thursday 13th October

It was. Oz and I were summoned severally to the Snook pit to account for our response to the Crooke. Our head supports us like the rope supports a hanged man.

Friday 14th October

Came in early and pulled the Crooke file from the year office. Mrs C (it seems there is no Mr C) has a record of continual complaints about the National Curriculum by which she means that teachers are not teaching enough grammar. The plain fact is that teachers are not teaching enough anything: they are too busy ticking boxes and filling in forms.

Thank heavens for the holidays.

Saturday 15th October

Blocked drains in the sunset. I was happy enough to leave this particular chore to James. I explained that it was an exclusive male prerogative to unblock drains. He gave me his version of what he considered exclusive male prerogatives: an interesting list particularly as he did it while unblocking the drain. Of course he then wanted to go through about five of them later: I drew the line at four.

Sunday 16th October

Year 7 marking and many interesting National Cur forms to fill in: one for each of 30 pupils. What joy!

Monday 17th October

Judo. Avery formal system of eduction: I wonder how Gavin would take to bowing to me. I wonder how he would take to finding me bowing to him.

Drains blocked again. James duly disappeared head first under the sink. I eventually grew bored with watching him working so I kicked off one of my shoes and rested my stockinged foot lightly on his crotch.

His reaction was immediate and predictable - is that thing made of indiarubber?

I sat on the stool and made various hilarious attempts to unzip his fly without bending down. Eventually I decided that I would have to lean against the sink and push the zipper over the rather substantial bulge.

After that it was fairly straightforward to use both feet to clasp his penis and make him come. So saucy Susan's videos did serve a purpose after all.

I don't think I would have thought of this particular ritual humiliation on my own.

It didn't do the drains any good, especially when it made James bash his head into the pipe.

Tuesday 18th October

Eighth year projects. I gave them a free choice of project. Never again. I have read more about the habits of horses and the different types of car than anyone could possibly need to know.

Wednesday 19th October

A visit to the pub as a reward to myself for completing the eighth year project marking. Of course they had to have a Karaoke machine. Of course James had to volunteer, but did he have to get Madonna and did he have to do all of the actions?

Thursday 20th October

I noticed - or rather James pointed it out to me - that a high court judge directed a jury to find a man not guilty on an indecent assault charge because the man's wife had refused to have sex with him because she was having a period. I asked him precisely what point he was trying to make but he just smiled like a Cheshire cat and made some banal remark about the age of the judiciary.

Friday 21st October

Did the week's shopping and cleaned everything which can be cleaned. Then James came home with one of those videos and various questions about whether the pipes need looking at again. More sex in the kitchen - and on my clean floor too!

Saturday 22nd October

Emma arrived on my doorstep at 9 this morning saying amid floods of tears that she had been raped by Daniel (her mother's lover). I said the first thing which came into my head; which was to ask her whether she had had a bath: because of course a bath destroys important forensic evidence.

Like too many rape victims it had been the first thing she did: to wash away the filth. So the first thing I did was to make her feel stupid and to make her suspect that I didn't believe her. Good start.